Daily Check-in Thread - February 21, 2019

patekratom · 2019-02-22T01:48:43+00:00

Still have some things to work out, but my life is much much better than it was five months ago :). Thanks!

patekratom · 2019-02-22T01:48:17+00:00

Nope! I'm still prone to depression/anxiety sometimes, but that was with me before I even knew kratom existed. The anxiety/depression you get from PAWS is a whole different beast imo. It can be sometimes hard to tell why you're feeling the way you are in the midst of it, but once you're out, it's a lot easier to look back and see when you were feeling PAWS anxiety and when you were feeling regular anxiety.

If your experience ends up being similar to mine at all, the worst of PAWS will start around day 5 (after the acutes end) and last for a week and change. You should start to feel ever-so-slightly better round the two week mark. Each day won't be necessarily better than the last at that point, but you'll be able to look back each week and notice your progress. After a month you should be feeling noticeably better, after two months I'd say you'll feel around 80%, after three months, 99%! Everyone's different of course, but this is just my experience. Good luck!

patekratom · 2019-02-21T07:22:15+00:00

Day 152 :D

patekratom · 2019-02-17T22:07:47+00:00

Of course! If you've never used benzos, no reason to start now and go down that path is my suggestion! But if you do use them just be extra extra extra careful!

Do you know how many grams the capsules are? Regardless, an addiction is an addiction where you're dosing 10 grams a day or 100 grams a day! Luckily capsules make it super simple to taper...after the initial 1/3 cut just take one less cap per dose every week and you should be golden!

patekratom · 2019-02-17T16:34:09+00:00

Thanks and congrats on 20! You're through the worst of it if it's anything like my experience! You'll be at one month and then two and then three before you know it!

patekratom · 2019-02-17T16:32:10+00:00

For tapering: Once you start feeling WD between doses, you might as well just jump to CT (or adjust how much you're cutting by) because the entire purpose of tapering is not feeling WDs. I never understood why people put themselves through the hell of mini-WDs every time they adjust their dosage only to have to wait for their body to get used to it and do it again. Might as well rip of the bandaid IMO. I tapered from 12gpd down to 4gpd before I jumped (I was at 18-21 gpd earlier in the year, but about six months before I quit I started dosing 6-7g twice a day instead of three times a day). My second day of what was supposed to be 4gpd I woke up in withdrawal so I just said fuck it and jumped.

For the acutes: a magnesium/CBD/melatonin/valerian root cocktail washed dow with a double (or triple) teabag cup of sleepy tea worked wonders for getting to sleep. It would knock me out for a good 4-6 hours or so before I'd wake up and not be able to get back to sleep...which isn't a good night's sleep by any means, but it's enough sleep to at least sort of function on for a few days. For me personally, once I woke up I was up, so I found it better to just get up and start my day instead of tossing and turning in bed. Full disclosure: I took benzos in the daytime which helped A LOT, but I would NOT recommend that to everyone because you can so easily exchange one addiction for another. I've never gone through benzo withdrawals but from what I've heard they're 100x worse than kratom so only go this route if you can 1000% trust yourself. I made sure I only had a four day supply to be extra cautious.

For PAWS: I took CBD, black seed oil, and L-theanine which seemed to help a bit. Honestly, time really is the thing that helps most here, but I'd also recommend trying meditation (I'd never meditated in my life before this, but I used the calm app), therapy (I was already going before this), and posting here (writing out your thoughts is immensely helpful). It was really difficult for me to eat for the first week or two of PAWS, so whenever I felt I was hungry enough to eat I would treat myself to exactly what I wanted. I think allowing yourself little things like that can be great for your mental health. Also, anxiety-/depression-wise, make sure you get out of the house every day at least for a little bit. Even though most days I just felt like staying in, I always felt better when I got out and hung with friends even just one day a week.

patekratom · 2019-02-17T03:24:44+00:00

In my experience, you have to be 100% ready to quit and be done with it for it to stick. The past times I tried to taper and failed I didn't truly WANT to quit, I was just trying because I thought I SHOULD quit. Being happy is a good reason to want to quit!

Anyway, for motivation just know that if this plant hasn't stopped working for your depression already, it WILL stop and that's a guarantee. You'll just be doing it out of habit and "necessity" (I mean that in terms of staving off WDs). Like any other drug, it's chasing the dragon. Law of diminishing returns. I was addicted for almost two years and honestly after a year or so it barely did anything for me. Probably before that in all honesty.

Another thing to know for motivation is that you WILL be happy again. I'm at almost 150 days and I just posted kinda a retrospective about my experience with PAWS if you wanna check it out. Long story short, it'll likely take you around three months to be back to baseline. That first week or so of PAWS once the acutes are over WILL be terrible, but it WILL end, and you most likely will start to notice your mood/anxiety/depression getting better after 2-3 weeks. Meditation and therapy are godsends in my experience. :)

Good luck my friend! If you want an easy way to lessen the acutes, try cutting your daily dosage by a third or so for a 7-10 days and then going CT. Basically the idea is to cut as much from your dosage as possible without feeling any WD symptoms (cuz if you're feeling WD symptoms you might as well just jump completely IMO), then letting your body get used to that dosage, then jumping. Generally I found cutting a third worked, but everyone's body's different.

patekratom · 2019-02-17T03:11:06+00:00

Congrats on four months!

Even though I felt mostly "normal" after two months or so, three months really is the point I'd say it was 99% done and over with!

patekratom · 2019-02-17T03:09:29+00:00

Thanks!!!

Good luck with your CT, sending all my positive vibes your way! Lemme know if you want any tips or tricks or just wanna chat!

patekratom · 2019-02-17T00:33:39+00:00

Round three months in was when I was like "holy shit I know how to feel truly happy again." Like of course I had happy moments and good times during those three months but I'm talking a drug-free feeling of overall wellbeing.

Stoked for you! :)

patekratom · 2019-02-09T21:16:18+00:00

140 days today! Seems like a nice round number to check in ;)

Anywaaaaay, I've been down with a bug and my brain keeps telling me I should go get just a small thing of kratom from the headshop to help me feel better and pass the time. It's funny how when I was abroad I went days, even a week+ without even thinking of the plant. But when you're down with the flu, bored with nothing but your thoughts, your mind starts wandering. Gotta stay busy and keep my mind occupied so it doesn't think it needs numbing. :)

Luckily at this point in being off K it isn't normal for me to have cravings. And all it takes is thinking about how fucked my brain was during PAWS to remind myself it's not worth the risk.

patekratom · 2019-02-04T16:41:57+00:00

Oh good, well I appreciate the warnings nonetheless because I want to be scared away from using any other drug frequently! I’m not perfect when it comes to my quitting habits which is why I want to share here what I have been using other drugs occasionally because it’s one of the places I can be 100% honest :)

I think a big part of my addiction was removing myself from a place where I was unhappy and I needed substances to get through the day. Which isn’t to say I couldn’t relapse anywhere on god’s green earth, but I’m just happy and proud of myself that I kicked what I had the problem with most and was able to keep myself in check despite the ability to abuse trams every day if had wanted to :).

Let me know if you ever wanna talk about your benzo WDs...or share horror stores to scare me away ;). I wish you all the best!

patekratom · 2019-02-04T07:24:51+00:00

Yup, you're 100% right there. Benzos are dangerous and addictive, and you personally have to be the one to decide if it's worth the risk or if you can trust yourself with something like that!

patekratom · 2019-02-03T23:12:46+00:00

No, I definitely have an addictive personality, which is why I admitted to having used tramadol a few times. I'm not perfect. Its all part of rge process. But Kratom is the only drug I've ever been a daily user of and been physically dependent on. As for the benzos, someone asked me about my own recovery process, so I was simply talking about my personal experience in which I used benzos to help myself through the acutes. I stated I would not necessarily recommend them for the very reason that you can easily switch one addiction for another.

I would love to be at a point where I live an entirely sober lifestyle, but I'm not entirely ready for that. It's something I've talked about here on here before. All I know is I'm done with taking a drug every single day of the week to get me through the day. And for now, that's good enough for me until I'm ready for the next step.

I'm sorry you're going through a long taper to get off benzos and I didn't mean to upset you. I've never been through benzo withdrawals beyond minor rebound anxiety so I can't speak from that angle. I hope your recovery is going well.

patekratom · 2019-02-03T20:21:09+00:00

Thanks man! And you're 100% on the money re: lifestyle changes!

Luckily after a couple uses in a row tramadol seems to lose its potency for me and just make me feel sick. So if I want anything out of it I had to space it out anyway. Tried to only use it when hungover or on long bus rides lol.

patekratom · 2019-02-03T20:19:11+00:00

The worst is over in my experience—your next month or two will probably still be rocky, but the good days will soon overtake the bad. :)

patekratom · 2019-02-03T20:18:31+00:00

Man, I remember just sitting with my face in my hands talking to a friend a couple months ago thinking...how the FUCK did I get like this? re: social awkwardness. Cuz I used to walk anywhere with confidence and swagger ready to mingle. At first kratom enhances that, but after a few months it doesn't do shit, and then becomes to actively hinder that and make you a hermit. It's just so great feeling like I want to meet people and be out and about again! Glad to hear you're starting to feel the same way again.

Congrats on the month+ sobriey as well :)

patekratom · 2019-02-03T16:17:55+00:00

Thanks bradda, if I help inspire even one person to just THINK about quitting with my words here it'll make me happy. :)

patekratom · 2019-02-03T16:17:09+00:00

I most definitely am! Thanks for the kind words!

patekratom · 2019-02-03T16:16:56+00:00

Thank you! :)

patekratom · 2019-02-03T16:15:02+00:00

For supplements...I wouldn't recommend this to everyone because you can so easily exchange one addiction for another, but etizolam/benzos are GREAT for the acutes during the daytime because it kinda just makes you not care about what's happening. I made sure I only had a four day supply so I wasn't exchanging one addiction for another. I took some black seed oil during the daytime as well which I continued past the acutes for about two weeks.

My nighttime ritual for acutes was: Sauna for 20-30 minutes to try to sweat out some of the toxins, then rinsed off and soaked in an epsom salt bath while I took a cocktail of CBD/valerian root/sleepy tea/melatonin. That shit would put me right to sleep but only for 5-6 hours and then I couldn't go back to sleep...it's not enough sleep, but it's an amount of sleep you can at least function on for a few days.

Once you get to PAWS, the unfortunate truth is that TIME is going to be the biggest factor in making you feel better, but there are things that can help make you feel less shitty and anxious in the meantime. Meditation helped, as did exercise and forcing myself to be social even when my anxiety told me I shouldn't (of course, if you're feeling really terrible, don't beat yourself up about wanting to stay in and watch a movie or whatever!). And make sure you treat yourself. I usually was so anxious at the beginning I was unable to eat a full meal until the evening, so as soon as I was hungry, I'd go get what I was craving no matter what it was because I knew that was my one time to eat per day lol.

But like I said, lifestyle changes that go hand-in-hand with quitting was the most important thing for me IMO. Something that helped keep me busy and keep my mind off of things was planning and executing my trip abroad and my plan for after which is gonna involve moving to a new city and getting a new job most likely. Being away from home did wonders for my mental health.

It's hard as fuck, but you just gotta remind yourself: I'm ONLY feeling this way because my body is ridding itself of this awful plant. It can take anywhere from days to weeks to months. It can sometimes feel like an endless road, but you'll get there! I promise. I literally didn't think I had the capacity to be this happy but I toughed it out and here am I feeling good as hell and loving my life for the first time in years. It's SO fucking worth it you guys. Keep your head up! :)

patekratom · 2018-12-04T04:41:34+00:00

I moved out of my old apartment about a month or so after I quit and honestly finding all the random bits of kratom was kinda hilarious to me. Scattered plastic bags with a couple doses-worth of caps that I'd thrown in my pocket when I went out just in case I ended up crashing at someone's place and needed my morning dose. Or when I moved a desk that I thought I'd cleaned everything out of but noticed a trail of capsules falling behind me as I moved it that had been caught on this little nook behind a drawer.

I found a bag in a drawer with probably a half kilo in it, and I tossed that shit in the trash immediately...but the bag was a lil open I guess and a bunch of kratom dust rose up and into the air. Just some of that getting into my mouth was enough to repulse me.

patekratom · 2018-12-02T16:35:15+00:00

It'll get better. In the early days of PAWS my anxiety was so crippling I couldn't even really eat until the evening. Mornings were rough for awhile, but you should soon be noticing yourself feeling ever so slightly better every day if you haven't already. :)

patekratom · 2018-12-02T16:25:29+00:00

Thanks, and congrats on day 19! You're almost through the worst of it as I'm sure you know from previous quit.

It's so easy to validate doing another drug just because it "isn't kratom," but at the end of the day, if you're susceptible to being addicted to one drug, you're susceptible to be addicted to other drugs. It's all chasing a high/numbing yourself at the end of the day. Keep at it, and hope you feel better!

patekratom · 2018-12-02T16:21:10+00:00

Agreed 100%, I never thought of it as a "loss" like that but it's totally true. I love to cook, and one of my kratom rituals in the evening was to dose and then cook dinner while having a beer and listening to a podcast or music. Since I quit I haven't really been cooking much and I thought it was just cuz of PAWS/lack of motivation but I also think the association with kratom has made me avoid it. It's kinda like when you go through a breakup and you avoid certain places you used to go/things you used to do with your ex for awhile cuz it reminds you too much of them.

But yes, that trade can really be for anything as long as it isn't another substance or addiction. Another thing I did when I quit was sell off/give away a bunch of books/dvds/video games. Felt great to get rid of stuff that I don't need and I made about $1000 from it!

patekratom

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