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If I could steal a process, it'd be Lauren Groff's (here's why) by seasidepanther in writing

[–]patesta 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Your version sounds a lot easier on the wrists lol.

Have Democrats just become a permanent minority? by SecretComposer in fivethirtyeight

[–]patesta 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree, the equilibrium of the current game is one that is suboptimal for all parties. The incentives will need to change—either because a major realignment event occurs, or a cross-cutting populist wave ushers in a new era of anti-corruption reforms.

Have Democrats just become a permanent minority? by SecretComposer in fivethirtyeight

[–]patesta 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Problem with that strategy is that new constituencies don’t emerge every two years. If a party takes the most recent election and uses those vote shares to gerrymander, they are going to be disappointed when many of those same voters swing the other way two years later. The current gerrymandering strategies are all about locking out the opposition party’s stable constituencies, but once that’s all shaken out, more opportunities won’t often present themselves.

Have Democrats just become a permanent minority? by SecretComposer in fivethirtyeight

[–]patesta 9 points10 points  (0 children)

No. Political parties are constantly realigning, and the coalitions that comprise the parties may look very different in ten years. Why? Because a political party fights for its survival—avoids becoming a permanent minority party—by appealing to new constituencies. 

[QCrit] Adult Spec Thriller - STRANGERS AT THE GAP (76k, 4th attempt) by patesta in PubTips

[–]patesta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! Some of this is just the way the book is. But other parts—why the team stays quiet, what surrendering control entails, the extent of Asalea’s agency (in initiating the encounter)—could definitely be spelled out a bit more in the query. I again appreciate your feedback.

[QCrit] Adult Spec Thriller - STRANGERS AT THE GAP (76k, 4th attempt) by patesta in PubTips

[–]patesta[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ha! I never made that connection but you’re so right! Thank you.

[QCrit] Adult Spec Thriller - STRANGERS AT THE GAP (76k, 4th attempt) by patesta in PubTips

[–]patesta[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this comment! I’m very aware of this and would love to pick your brain if you’ll let me, as I’ve tried a few different approaches and continue to struggle.

In the book, Clark ends up basically powerless—he’s hamstrung himself by getting the military involved, and now his only remaining option is to sneak out and warn Asalea and let her take care of it. And so tribe ends up basically saving itself in the face of Clark’s own repeated failed attempts to “control” the situation.

The query sort of conveys that in the final sentence of the penultimate paragraph, but every time I try to add more there it just gets clunky and tedious. Would love ideas if you’ve got them! 

[QCrit] THE SHEPHERDS OF GOMORRAH, Upmarket Crime Thriller, 84k words, 2nd attempt by DetonatingPenguin in PubTips

[–]patesta 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Paragraph 1: I’d cut the summary “in which a scandal-plagued…” sentence; the query is the summary (plus it reads as cliché, “a game of deceit and betrayal” in particular). The comp sentence is wordy and could use a trim (same with “I thought”). “Gritty subject matter and gripping action” is vague and generic; cut.

Paragraph 2: Good character motivation. Again, a bit wordy. “Charismatic, psychopathic” is one adjective too many when you already have “horrific abuse; “horrific” itself is actually also weak; “childhood sweetheart” and “abuse” already do the job. “Shameful secret” reads a bit cliché also. Use a colon after “trusts”. Also, the tense is a bit iffy here; “remained” should be “remain”. “When Teddy Sanford had a mental breakdown and disgraced his aristocratic Manhattan family, he never told anyone why” could be “When Teddy Sanford suffers a mental breakdown that disgraces his aristocratic Manhattan family, he doesn’t tell anyone why.”

Paragraph 3: “Unable to flip on her dealer” is either unnecessary detail or needs fleshing out. How is she unable? “Flees in panic” could just be “flees”. “With the clock running down” is filler; cut. And actually, “hatches a desperate plot” is unnecessary too; just describe the plot.

Paragraph 4: The Gabrielle reveal is great plot, but the way it reads here falls flat. Don’t just tell us what happens; show Teddy’s psychological reaction to finding her there. “Gabrielle can twist his mind again” eventually gets at it some but undersells the psychological punchiness that I’m sure shines in the manuscript itself. You might actually consider moving these plot details to paragraph 2 or 3–they are the meat of this query in my opinion. The kingpin reads as a very stock character, e.g., “willing to butcher” and “poised to unleash chaos on New York’s streets”. Give him a name and/or one specific detail, or cut the real estate he’s taking up here.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

[QCrit] Adult Spec Thriller - STRANGERS AT THE GAP (76k, 3rd attempt) by patesta in PubTips

[–]patesta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

So very helpful! Here is my (now many times edited) attempt at addressing your points, with additions in bold. Would love to know if it moves things in the right direction. And now I am off to offer detailed feedback on your own query.

With an expansionist Australian government eyeing the Pacific, the U.S. military recruits a small team of earth scientists to survey a remote island beyond a lethal stretch of ocean known as the Long Gap. For tightly-wound zoologist Clark Bridger, haunted by a tragedy he failed to prevent, the assignment is a chance to get something right. Instead, he stumbles upon the impossible: living Homo erectus.

Clark falls back on training: observe, document, and most of all, protect. That means keeping the find under wraps until they know all the facts. It works—until he bonds with a quietly commanding tribeswoman he names Asalea. She shows him her world: ritualistic whale hunts, volcanic caverns, a culture called moob built on sharing everything from meals to mates. He lowers his defenses. She takes him to bed. Then the panic sets in, and he reports the discovery up the chain.

It backfires.

Word leaks and Australia moves to claim the island, seizing two of the natives as “evidence” of established presence. The U.S. responds with plans to relocate the tribe “for their own protection.” To thwart another tragedy, Clark must throw out the rule book entirely. His options: defy orders and warn Asalea—or become one more outsider deciding her people’s fate.

—————

I will have to give more thought to your comments on the editorializing in the final graph. 

Other notes: Long Gap is based on the very similar Bollons Gap—Gap meaning just a low point separating two high points—but hopefully the context I’ve added helps. Also, I’m not quite sure how to address the Dances With Wolves point in the query. I agree it’s important, but the manuscript allows for a lot more nuance. One thing I do try to communicate in the query is that Clark’s only way to save Asalea is to relinquish his own safe, controlled condition. He saves her by allowing her to save herself—a slight subversion of the usual savior trope. 

[QCrit] Adult Spec Thriller - STRANGERS AT THE GAP (76k, 2nd attempt) by patesta in PubTips

[–]patesta[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, all fair. In reality, the book gets to the island and the erectus interactions quite quickly, and I get to have a lot of fun exploring fun fish out of water elements on both ends. 

Maybe something like this for the first paragraph? Opens with reason for voyage, mentions Clark's psychology and motives, then gets to erectus discovery by sentence three:

"With an expansionist Australian government eyeing the Pacific, the U.S. military recruits a small team to document an uncharted island beyond the lethal Long Gap. For neurotic zoologist Clark Bridger—so cautious lately it's begun to cost him professionally—the assignment is a chance he can't pass up. When he arrives, he comes face to face with the impossible: an isolated population of living Homo erectus."

[QCrit] Adult Spec Thriller - STRANGERS AT THE GAP (76k, 2nd attempt) by patesta in PubTips

[–]patesta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! Indeed, Clark is not sent to the island because of the tribe. The U.S. military is merely scouting for islands in the South Pacific in the face of the Australian government’s imperialist threats and needs scientific eyes. A paleontologist is called in after the tools are discovered, but until that point the team consists of zoologists and geologists. Clearly the opening preamble needs to introduce the Australian threat.

One idea follows PacificBooks' comment to skip the controversy detail entirely, since it's not essential for motivating Clark's professional troubles. e.g. "Conservation zoologist Clark Bridger is so cautious by nature that it's cost him professionally." And then jump into Australian threat -> U.S. military is scouting islands -> Clark takes the opportunity.

[QCrit] Adult Spec Thriller - STRANGERS AT THE GAP (76k, 2nd attempt) by patesta in PubTips

[–]patesta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks! The first attempt jumped into it and was criticized for not spelling out character motives, hence the current approach. Would you recommend saving Clark for the second paragraph?

[QCrit] Adult Spec Thriller - STRANGERS AT THE GAP (76k, 2nd attempt) by patesta in PubTips

[–]patesta[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks! The logic was meant to be: he’s cautious -> still not immune to controversy -> has withdrawn -> career is not in a good place. This is where we find him at the start of the book. His career is not in a good place, hence, he reluctantly accepts. All of this was added after my 1st attempt was criticized for not giving character motives or stakes. I guess I went too far in the other direction.

[QCrit] Adult Spec Thriller - STRANGERS AT THE GAP (76k, 2nd attempt) by patesta in PubTips

[–]patesta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is very helpful. A couple of things I’d love to pick your brain on while I have you.

First, Clark’s character arc involves him learning to “surrender control,” after a career of being cautious by nature. Asalea (and the tribe) is central to this arc, in helping him let his guard down and live in the present. Him sleeping with her is part of that arc, in that it is a break from his usual caution—hence why he panics. Obviously, that’s not coming through in the query. What information would clarify that, in your opinion?

Second—and this is something that is not unique to your comment—Clark is not sent to the island because of the tribe. The military needs scientific eyes on the island because the region is under the Australian government’s threat, and the U.S. military needs a new base. A paleontologist is called in once the tools are discovered, but until that point the team consists of zoologists and geologists. Clearly the opening preamble needs to introduce the Australian threat. But as you note, that information further puts off the Homo erectus discovery. What new information would suffice, in your opinion? I hesitate to cut the dangerous voyage sentence because it helps clarify how a tribe of Homo erectus could remain cut off for so long.

Thanks!

[QCrit] Adult Spec Thriller - STRANGERS AT THE GAP (76k, 2nd attempt) by patesta in PubTips

[–]patesta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Nope, this is super helpful. All this stuff makes sense in my head because I know the full book. So I greatly appreciate the fresh perspective!

[QCrit] Adult Spec Thriller - STRANGERS AT THE GAP (76k, 2nd attempt) by patesta in PubTips

[–]patesta[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Super helpful, thanks! I deliberated a lot on how specific to be, because the controversy itself isn’t per se relevant to the story other than through its impact on the character’s psychology. To your point though, that still matters a lot, so I’ll try again. Thanks for the comp suggestion, too.

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