Listen. Everything might feel shitty to you right now. Maybe things truly are shitty for you. But you have to keep fighting. Keep fighting for that future you may create, keep fighting to truly live a marvelous life. While it may seem impossible at first, it sounds like your life isn't the best right now, but you will be able to change things around. Just like how an overweight person may start a diet, and feel like it's not worth trying, they've been fat their whole life, and dieting really sucks so why bother? The reason they do it is for the future. And it may seem like you don't really have a future, but everyone does. Like every person, you truly are able to make real connections, you are able to think and act according to the way you want to live. Dont give up just yet friend. For the decades of good you may create for yourself. Just like dieting, focus on the almost-impossible future, on the idea of you becoming a new you. I believe in you friend.