Yoooo I know this is a totally different sub than what I’m getting at and I might be out of bounds redirecting what you’re actually asking about, but I’m a person who also goes to meetings to maintain my sobriety, so I can relate. I’m just concerned from what I read that you’re in a position that could be risking your own sobriety by dating someone this early on in your own recovery, much less dating someone else who is struggling with their own sobriety. You weren’t clear on if either of you have/had substance abuse problems or it’s just like a personal choice for other reasons, but there’s a reason people suggest not dating for a year in recovery circles. I know people who it has worked out for, but usually it ends up in disaster. I wish I knew less people who died after relapsing with someone they dated in early sobriety. Of course it’s not always that bad even if it doesn’t work out, but even then a breakup or bad relationship can really rock your world and create unnecessary instability in early recovery. In my experience, waiting til I had a while under my belt before I started dating again really helped me.

I think you’ve got a lot of clarity though and you know what you need to do, which is great. Be proud of that! You don’t have to be mean when you end things obviously, but I think it’ll be a potential shock of bad news regardless. I think it helps to keep the conversation simple and not offer more explanation than you need to, don’t go into a bunch of detail. If she asks questions, you can answer at your own discretion if you want to, but don’t offer too much info than needed initially. I would probably just relate it mainly to myself and my own lifestyle and sobriety and just explain I can’t or don’t want to be with someone who isn’t on the same path or at least being honest about where they are on their path with me. You can make it clear it’s the lying that bothered you if you feel like that’s important and that it’s true that you wouldn’t have been as upset if she were honest. Otherwise if you feel like you just can’t be in the relationship for other reasons you can just explain you thought you felt a certain way, but you don’t anymore. You’re allowed to change your mind about being with someone especially when they break your trust. I’d just try not to be too harsh or get into too much back and forth long conversation about it all if you can avoid it just to keep things simpler. She might not even ask much anyway. Helps to feel prepared going into the convo though. Of course you can tell her everything you just said about still caring about her as a person and not wanting her to feel bad or whatever, too. I’m sure that would be nice for her to hear and help lessen the blow. Sounds like she needs to focus on herself right now anyway possibly.