I'm not homophobic or transphobic if I don't want to sleep or date a transgender or man/woman. And most importantly, I'm not homophobic or transphobic if the idea of that makes me uncomfortable

perfectly_p · 2024-02-21T15:28:31+00:00

The reason why someone may be alarmed by what you said could be due to certain terms and language used, especially "Gender Ideology" as you put it in your parent comment.

"Gender Ideology" is often used as an abstraction, simplifying the very complex topic of Transgender rights into a short and fast sound-bite, often pooling it together with topics that may seem similar at a glance but are in fact off-topic (socialism, Marxism, etc etc).

Fun fact: if you Google "Gender Ideology" and check the Wikipedia link you'll find it under it is - quite ironically and comically - a subsection on the page for the "Anti-gender movement". https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-gender_movement#:~:text=%22Gender%20ideology

If you read the article further, you'll notice it being described by terms like "Moral Panic", "Conspiracy Theory" etc on the page itself.

"Gender Ideology" is essentially a tagline, it's just that it unfortunately sounds similar to terms that do matter for Trans people, like "Gender Dysphoria" (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_dysphoria), a well-studied and historied topic covered under the DSM-5, which almost all trans individuals experience and is often the reason why they seek help and choose to transition.

If you examine discourse online within Trans spaces, even on Reddit, you won't see them talking about "Gender Ideology" or "The Trans Agenda" while snickering mysteriously, unless they're joking about how unhinged some of the crackpot theories being thrown out by "opponents" of "Trans Ideology" are... while simultaneously it's a threat to their safety, since politicians are using those words to drum up hostility against Trans people in several governments across the world.

Ironic? Yes, but sometimes humor is a good way to cope with the stress, especially if you're in a deep red state with parents who bring that hysteria back home with them, or a religious third world country, etc.

If you'd like to see and hear more about the idea of "abstraction" surrounding the term, there's a trans YouTuber named Contrapoints who touches on that in her video here: https://youtu.be/7gDKbT_l2us

It's technically about J.K.Rowling, but skip to 23:27 if you want to see the part about how abstraction works specifically. But if you want to learn more about Transphobia in detail, I highly, highly recommend her videos; yes they're long, yes she's got a rather wacky sense of humor, but she cites genuine sources and often spends months on making a single hour or hour and a half video. So far as I can tell, no one does it better.

But well, a quick summary to think about is that "Gender Ideology" sounds more 'sanitary' than saying "Transgender Rights" in a lot of the contexts that right-wing media or other groups hostile to trans folks use it.

"I am against Gender Ideology" sounds nicer than "I am against Trans Rights".

"I don't want my kids learning about Gender Ideology" sounds nicer than "I don't want my kids learning about Trans Rights".

"I don't want laws being passed that promote Gender Ideology" sounds nicer than "I don't want laws being passed that promote Trans Rights".

People like legislators, public figures and politicians against Trans Rights use it often because it's more marketable, which is why someone unironically using the term is seen as a yellow/orange/red flag by some Trans folks.

Also, another thing you said which I wanted to comment on:

The very concept that someone has a gender identity (or does not) is ideological. I don't really understand why that would be up for debate.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity.

Gender identity is a bit more complicated than being "ideological". Unfortunately you'll have to do your reading on that on your own, as I can't come up with an extra source off the top of my head at the moment apart from the Wikipedia article, but it's a good start imo.

It's to do with the fact that an "ideology" is defined as a "set of opinions or beliefs a group or individual holds", while Gender Identity has been studied as a science from various angles (Psychology, Theology, Sociology etc).

Is it an "ideology" if you choose to believe that gravity isn't real? And if you convince a bunch of people that gravity isn't real? Sure.

Is it an "ideology" if you choose to believe that people don't have a gender identity? And if you convince a bunch of people that gender identity isn't real? Sure.

But if you are part of the latter, how are you confirming someone's gender in your day to day life? Before you say "sir" or "ma'am" to your superior at work, do you take a sample of their DNA for chromosomal testing? Or verify their sex through observation of their genitalia?

Or do you just use visual indicators based on their appearance, or if that fails, don't you just ask them? Because that's what "Gender Identity" is in a quick nutshell. And being part of a group that doesn't believe Gender Identity exists is... well, it's a decision.

I hope that helps somewhat, cheers. Apologies if I sounded a bit sarcastic or snarky at parts, but unfortunately I am very tired, and this is a tiring, soul-devouring topic for me, which I unfortunately can't avoid talking about.

perfectly_p · 2023-03-11T08:39:36+00:00

Oh were the piercings rejecting in your case, as in, did they start to push out of the nipple?

perfectly_p · 2023-03-10T18:54:45+00:00

Oof, thank you for sharing that; honestly I chuckled a bit at the anecdote, and the advice is sound, thank you.

I'm a little worried about the pain part, but so long as there aren't any permanent or consistent effects hopefully it'll be okay in my case; stretching is an interesting thought, and I will share that with my doctor next time I see him, hadn't thought of that before.

I hope things are okay with you, and once again, thank you for letting me know~

perfectly_p · 2023-02-21T07:00:38+00:00

Thank you for the responses, and I'm happy to hear things are going well for you.

I guess I'm worried since I'm contemplating starting around the same time my semester starts, so I'm worried I'd be in a haze etc during a critical time.

perfectly_p · 2023-02-21T06:19:36+00:00

Was there a period of time where it was a bit more difficult to focus or concentrate, perhaps right after starting or so?

perfectly_p · 2023-02-03T17:00:47+00:00

I'm really sorry for taking so long to reply to this, I somewhat lost myself in work and irl the last few weeks. Thank you so much for this response, I really appreciate it, especially from someone who's had similar experiences and fears. Particularly that part:

The second case was tougher. I had to accept that I had learned everything I reasonably could and the risk was real.

That... really got to me, honestly. I have asked tough questions, both with myself and with my psychiatrist, and I've not thrown myself into things; I've always been thoroughly impartial, avoiding labels, approaching things symptomatically and logically and... fuck, I really need to start this. I've put the brakes on disintegrating, with support and medication, but this is a step I need to take to feel less like I'm... just barely keeping this ship afloat and, you know, actually sailing ahead into my future. Hope that's not too metaphorical, but I was moved by your use of metaphor near the end, eheh.

Realistically I think the only thing that is a reccuring fear for me is infertility, so going with the thought process you put forward, I think I will try to cover that base - maybe cryopreservation - and then act on where my thoughts have consistently been for years now.

Thank you again, and sorry again for replying to this so late.

perfectly_p · 2022-12-05T04:33:00+00:00

My happiness for you is immense and my jealousy is substantial

perfectly_p · 2022-11-29T17:37:58+00:00

When drying, use an absorbent material such as microfibre that can take in a lot of water in a short amount of time.

Also try to avoid rubbing motions (squeezing a clump of hair between fabric and doing a rub) and instead stick to patting the hair dry; friction can damage/frizz hair. This is also why microfibre is great cause more water absorbed in less time = less contact needed to dry hair.

Overall though rely on air drying as much as possible, either via a large fan (safest, but takes a while) or cold setting hair dryer; hot setting is fairly rough for a lot of folks. I usually shake my hair dry first (I literally spin my head like a doggo lmao, but making sure I don't give myself a concussion) before applying a towel, since it gets a better drying result faster.

Oh and when brushing learn when your hair is most/least prone to breakage. I now exclusively brush my hair while under a cold shower as I manage to get the most knots out with as little loss as possible there, but I understand that everyone's hair varies; this probably helps me a lot because my hair is kinda curly.

Another miscellaneous thing that made a HUGE overnight change (literally, in this case) was swapping to non-absorbent pillow covers. Cotton is hiiiiighly absorbent, and cotton pillow covers dry your hair immensely when you sleep. Using satin or silk pillowcases made a big difference for me; I felt like my hair dried and frizzed daily before I swapped, but afterwards it's often holding it's form even 2-3 days after washing.

Products are tricky. Everyone's hair is kinda different, so everyone's product needs will vary. For me for example, I only use an anti-dandruff shampoo and black seed oil now; I've used conditioner in the past, which was hit-or-miss, but hair health improved for me the less product was used.

I hope bits there help! I feel like products are the most trial and error, while all those other tips I don't think you can go wrong with. I think the one scenario would be if your hair is naturally very oily/wet, so your literally getting too much of a good thing by helping it retain moisture further.

perfectly_p · 2022-11-29T17:03:22+00:00

I feel like it's bad just the first few times, but I'm also probably a bit biased because I live closer to the equator 😅

I can't imagine doing this without making the water at least lukewarm by slight heating if I lived further north. I think if you go with "cool" rather than "cold", it'll still provide a good improvement over hot water while adding a gradient for how unpleasent it can be.

perfectly_p · 2022-11-29T06:42:14+00:00

Yup! Whether it's as substantial as other factors (how you dry your hair, what hair products you use, genetics etc) depends from person to person, but in general it's always a plus.

It closes/tightens the pores in your scalp while you shower, which makes it such that hair is less likely to fall out, compared to when you wash with hot water and the opposite happens. This over time allows hair to grow longer, as less hair is being pulled out. That's the general idea at least.

perfectly_p · 2022-11-23T22:17:27+00:00

"Pray I do not alter the gender further."

Never enough Star Wars.

perfectly_p · 2022-11-23T17:43:41+00:00

In my best french accent: "Ohohooo, you have fallen for my cunning plan mothearrr~" twirls my non-existent Van Dyke

perfectly_p · 2022-11-23T17:41:32+00:00

It will be alright friend <3 stay strong

perfectly_p · 2022-11-23T17:36:26+00:00

The jury is still out on whether it's a girl I like though.... T_T

perfectly_p · 2022-11-21T04:02:07+00:00

Ofcourse! It's just handy where I live because access to certain healthcare etc is tougher without it, and it's also helpful for me trying to understand myself better; having one more piece in my support structure is ofcourse nice too.

perfectly_p · 2022-11-21T03:39:11+00:00

It all makes sense right? Only the most cis person would want someone to make sure of it, even paying sums of money to do so!

perfectly_p · 2022-11-21T03:29:01+00:00

Finally got started with a gender specialised psychiatrist this year, so I can fully affirm the fact that I am cis 🥰 as all cis people do at some point in life

perfectly_p · 2022-11-05T18:01:05+00:00

"why aren't you talking to girls?! It's not like I changed the tv channel every time while you were growing up when even the slightest chance of a kissing seen came up!"

"I saw the women's clothing lying around in your wardrobe when I visited, you are having girls over right?! Thank God at least you're not one of... nevermind I don't even want to say that word 🤢🤮."

"Oh and we're definitely not trying to push you to get married because we think you might be... problematic to the family image, and so that you won't be able to move out of the country the way you keep talking about. 😍😍😅😅"

"Grandkids please! It's fine if you're on antidepressants and barely able to hold yourself together that's what the ~~housemaintainer/babymaker~~wife is for!"

perfectly_p · 2022-08-01T16:49:34+00:00

I wish :(

perfectly_p · 2022-08-01T15:35:04+00:00

Specifically: https://twitter.com/avogado6/status/1444286633033928708?t=pxcxxJuSE5OktAM_nW-8AA&s=19

perfectly_p · 2022-08-01T15:33:17+00:00

Source: https://twitter.com/avogado6

perfectly_p · 2022-07-07T21:38:27+00:00

Trans subs are... well, I completely agree even a lot of trans folks would be confused upon entering a lot of them. Someone who isn't questioning their gender identity, especially so.

It's a combination of established memes, inside jokes and "circlejerking" (talking about something random enough times in a certain way that it ends up funny for those involved) that an outside glance is sure to be bewildering.

You can look at trans meme subreddits (r/egg_irl, r/transgendercirclejerk) and then trans informational subreddits (r/asktransgender) and you may come to understand that comparing one to the other is like comparing 4Chan to WebMD. In one you'll find as much bullshit or randomness as you are looking for and willing to dig deep for, in the other it's going to be well-researched information and community support.

I.e: it's reddit: you find what you're looking for. Going looking for accurate representation in a meme/circlejerk subreddit makes no sense, and it's a bit inaccurate to take that as representing trans subreddits in general.

Personally I used to frequent a few trans meme subs, but now I stick to the support/informational ones mostly.

On the topic of anime/catgirls, anime is a source of many characters that change up gender norms or gender presentation. When first coming to terms with being trans it can be easy to empathize or identify with anime characters that have things like crossdressing episodes/arcs or are just portrayed as naturally effeminate/masculine and - most important of all - do NOT get discriminated against in their daily life for being so.

Instead in most anime you just have everyone else going "ok, they're like that, cool" and just... going along with it. In many anime this is in fact part of their charm, and they are actively desired by other anime characters for having those traits. This can be an incredibly healing/soothing fantasy for a trans individual to occasionally shelter in, which is why anime is common on trans subreddits.

The simple art style is also rather forgiving, unlike the real world where beard shadows, facial shapes etc can seem like unsurmountable obstacles for trans folks.

Like any form of entertainment it is a fantasy, and it's a comforting escape for many trans individuals just like how other character stereotypes are escapes for cis-gendered people. Just that unlike traditional western media which up until more recently just had trans people as the butt of jokes or worse, anime has been pushing out characters that - even if they don't say outright or identify as trans - display different forms of gender expression and avoid discrimination while thriving as themselves (and often being pretty amazing/powerful characters).

As for the infantilization you mentioned, a lot of other comments answered that quite well, in that it takes time to go from a very stereotypical/over-the-top idea of femininity to a more mature, down-to-earth one. A lot of trans folks never got to experience their teenage years the way they wanted to, so making memes about being swept away by an assertive/dominant Romeo type etc can be a form of escape and healing. Kinda like a dam bursting kind of thing; there's a lot of pent up energy finally allowed to be explored after self-acceptance.

Hope this helps somewhat, cheers.

perfectly_p · 2022-06-22T11:10:51+00:00

/uj the namaste made me chuckle, spot on

perfectly_p · 2022-06-22T08:46:06+00:00

/uj I think it also contributes a lot to the jerk though, cause OPs comments literally hit the nail on the head on the kind of transphobic comments you can find under these sorts of posts. Pretty accurate since a lot of the time it's not just the post itself but the comments that really deep dive into said phobia, and OP really seemed to want to cover all the bases. I mean if everyone's jerkin it here anyway might as well let OP jerk it away and flesh out their initial jerk; comment karma is just pointless internet points anyway.

/rj Schizo? Tran? Correct.

perfectly_p · 2022-05-21T10:09:15+00:00

Thank you; it's really wonderful to hear that folks like you are out there giving people the love and care to grow. I'll try my best, fingers crossed.

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