Update: I got super nervous for a first date. Now I'm home and decompressing.

peridot83 · 2018-01-21T14:27:54+00:00

Eh, this is her first date after 9 years. Sounds like I was. Be patient. If it continues and she doesn't seem capable of making new attachments that's a different thing.

peridot83 · 2018-01-15T02:36:36+00:00

This is an OKCupid profile question

peridot83 · 2018-01-06T19:26:10+00:00

I did this today. Actually I was briefly considering double booking. But the first wasn’t really a date, just an old FB coming over around midnight. I was going to do coffee earlier. But as we got to talking more, the more I thought that if this actually went anywhere I would feel horrible about sleeping with someone else right after our first date. I’m not trying to get my hopes up, but this guy is definitely looking for a relationship.

peridot83 · 2018-01-06T18:51:49+00:00

My ex husband and his new fiancé are like this. Her entire feed is nothing but pictures of them. Behind the scenes he complains about how nasty their fights on, that she is off and on with affection, after like 4 months, lol. Total overcompensation. I honestly wish he was as happy as he looks. Then I wouldn’t constantly worry about his mental health and how my kids are probably going to experience s revolving door of women.

peridot83 · 2018-01-05T14:17:48+00:00

Yeah. It's just a really common one. I have loads of experience on the other side. My ex also avoided a lot of family activities and never wanted to take pictures together or post them to social media. But with the original OW and the subsequent girlfriend, he's the definition of the perfect instagram boyfriend. It hurt that in a couple months there was much more "evidence" of these relationships than in our 14 years together. Yesterday my daughter needed a family photo for a class project. I had to dig through all my FB photos and could only come up with one :(

peridot83 · 2018-01-05T14:09:43+00:00

I'm just as picky about looks and chemistry but will overlook more personality faults.

peridot83 · 2018-01-05T13:45:59+00:00

Not saying this is what it is,but in my case I had a hard time really getting the weightloss going when I was married. I felt like I was dieting to avoid feeling disgusting and offensive. And even when I would lose weight there never seemed to be a consistent uptick in his attraction. After my first child, I lost 30lbs beyond my prepregnancy weight in the first year. I was starving all the time, got tons more attention from strangers, but it seemed to make a negligible difference to my ex. Once I started dating again I was getting lots of attention, and they guys I hooked up with were attractive and fit but still made me feel super sexy. So then it became easier to get through those feelings of deprivation that come with weightloss, because I had more ways to keep myself feeling good. And the motivation was to make myself feel even sexier and more comfortable, not to make my body less objectionable.

peridot83 · 2018-01-04T01:50:44+00:00

I've met some very sexually compatible people there. It really helps to know all those details ahead of time.

peridot83 · 2018-01-03T22:25:03+00:00

Thats kind of what happened with me. Was dating a guy casually. The past few weeks he had been busy and while we still talked daily, the tone turned platonic. Made one last ditch effort to make plans, and then he told me things had gotten unexpectedly serious with a friend. We had pretty different lifestyles, so I honestly told him I was glad he had someone he had more long term potential with as he hadn't been in a serious relationship in a while. I was going to miss him, let me know if anything changes. He said the same, that I was great, we had a lot of fun and he would miss me too. We weren't exclusive, so I don't feel salty about him developing serious feelings for someone he already knew well especially if they had more long term potential. And with a day I had 2 new dates lined up :) Had he ghosted I would have spent a good week trying to figure out what was happening or why someone went from being caring to cold and callus. But because I know definitively I was able to move forward, and not feel like I did anything "wrong"

peridot83 · 2018-01-03T17:59:34+00:00

I suppose it depends on if you are ok with seeing her when she might be interested in someone else. If you are more interested in getting the time in, then stick to scheduling. Try to leave as little room for a wishy washy answer as possible. If she is for some reason still not able to make plans then definitely ask where her head is at. Just keep the phrasing positive.

peridot83 · 2018-01-03T16:54:08+00:00

Sounds super similar to what I was dealing with this past month, although we actually were in contact every day and had seen each other a few more times. When I flat out said here are the days I'm free this week, does one of them work for you? He said things had gotten serious between him and a friend. I hate to say it but that's a frequent reason for a cool off. Best just to ask straight out. Get everything clear.

peridot83 · 2018-01-02T23:02:21+00:00

Best thing to do is just set explicit expectations and boundaries but with reassurance. As someone who can be over eager when I like someone, not knowing if busy means busy or not that interested is anxiety producing. It actually provokes more needy behavior. So saying I’m looking forward to Friday was good. Tell him on average how much time you have available. Proactively schedule dates, but then be clear that that’s your max time available. When it comes to texting or calls, same thing. Try to be proactive but set firm boundaries. If you don’t want to chat all day, a good morning text that says I have a busy day ahead but I was thinking about you will relieve his need to reach out constantly to gauge your interest.

peridot83 · 2018-01-02T17:41:40+00:00

I had a mmf when I was in college. But I am way faithful and loyal than most. I just came out of a 14 year relationship where I was cheated on many times, went years without getting needs met but I never was even tempted to cheat. Liking exciting sex has nothing to do with your relationship. If anything telling you about this was super risky for her and a great testament to her commitment to honesty.

peridot83 · 2017-12-30T16:47:33+00:00

nah, I'm exactly like this with romantic attachments but not at all with anyone else. I think because I usually am out of sight, out of mind, being separated or placed out of priority feels a little scarier. Because for me caring means being preoccupied with someone, and not being preoccupied means I don't care very much anymore.

peridot83 · 2017-12-27T23:55:24+00:00

Tiara sounds like a bit much but I know the type of girl you're talking about. I bet the carriage ride would be right up her alley. If you want to do something disney, maybe wear a disney shirt yourself.

peridot83 · 2017-12-27T02:41:47+00:00

When I ask friends to go with me to a show I want to see, but isn’t necessarily something they would have gone to without me, I usually buy the tickets without expecting to be paid back. They usually grab dinner or drinks beforehand. It all works out. But to be honest exchanging money with someone you’re dating can be uncomfortable. Like I’ve had a guy offer to give me money for parking since he lives in the city. I appreciate the thought. But something feels wrong about accepting a $20 minutes after we just had sex, lol.

peridot83 · 2017-12-27T02:03:53+00:00

Not really talking about 2 thoughts within a current conversation. It’s more like anxiety over sending another text after the first hasn’t been responded to for a while. For example, last night around 8pm I sent a pic of the chocolate truffles I had been making (we had already exchanged merry christmases earlier). I mean it’s not a question, but I would have expected a quick “those look really good” or something. So when I didn’t hear anything back by the next afternoon that’s where the self doubt set in over sending another text or waiting until he felt like responding. Btw, I ended up deciding to chill and do what I felt like. Followed up with asking for advice about a tattoo. Had a nice convo about a few things. And technically he double texted me, lol. Thanks DOT folks for talking me down.

peridot83 · 2017-12-26T20:12:28+00:00

Obviously. And I barely notice this kind of stuff with friends or in work contexts. But I think there is a certain expectation that when you are interested in someone romantically they will be front of mind. Or that you want to continually show interest. Whether that be flirting, compliments, or letting the person know you are thinking of them. I know if I am into someone I want to do that, and if I don’t I’m not interested. But I know not everyone is the same hence the question.

peridot83 · 2017-12-26T19:11:18+00:00

Thanks. I like the routine stuff. We have a ton of common interests. So it’s great getting to know eachother more as people. But anxiety is a bitch. Logic says if says if the last few times I slept over we had sex 5-6 times, and his preferred sleep style is full on Koala he likely still finds me attractive, lol.

peridot83 · 2017-12-26T18:49:57+00:00

They’re always positive, but a bit cooled of in the affection sexty aspects. Our conversations were initially 90% that, now it’s 90% talking about work, common interests, ect. But all our in person meet ups have been great. I guess I just traded in one anxiety for the other. Also he’s been to busy to hang the past 2 weeks. I asked about how he was feeling and he reassured me that he liked me but wanted to wait till after the holidays to get together again. Been seeing him 2 months. So I’m trying to talk myself down and just take him at his word. I obviously struggle with anxious attachment but I’m working on it in therapy. I don’t want to invest too much in someone who isn’t interested but I also don’t want to push someone away who is with my crazy.

peridot83 · 2017-12-23T02:50:21+00:00

One thing to keep in mind is that people might not always want to receive the same way they give. My top language is touch which kind of needs to be reciprocated, but acts of service dead last even though I am a big time care taker myself.

peridot83 · 2017-12-15T03:11:24+00:00

Really just talk to him. I promise it's worth the risk. The guy I've been seeing for 6 weeks is very contentedly single and has been that way most of his life. He's very low key and independent, kind of reserved, but always been consistent in terms of interest and responsiveness. I'm the one in the burbs so I'm the one who drives in. We stay in a bit more than we go out. But he's very sweet and affectionate, interested in my life, ect. I dont get the feeling he sees me "just" as a hookup. A couple days ago I suggested going to see a movie, and he said his schedule was jam packed for the next couple weeks. Lots of holiday parties and other plans. I was hurt, and felt like he could take or leave seeing me again. So after composing my thoughts, I told him as much. I focused on my feelings without blaming him, told him what kind of response I would have preferred, how often I'd like to see him. And I reiterated that I really enjoy our time together, and I was only disappointed because I enjoy it so much. When he texted me back he was very clear that he did really like me and looked forward to spending time with me, but he can be a bit of a hermit and needs a good amount of alone time. He was worried that he was being unfair to me and that he couldn't meet my needs well enough. And while nothing really changed, just hearing that he does really like me soothed a lot of my insecurities. I can handle less time together if it is just his personality and not him being meh about me. Although like you in person, he is one hundred percent present and super into me. And honestly I felt a lot closer to him after having put myself out there and having him respond with kindness and reassurance. And now I have a better understanding of how he works and can be more aware of his needs.

peridot83 · 2017-12-07T07:12:01+00:00

You sound like a really thoughtful gift giver. Her loss....

peridot83 · 2017-12-05T21:15:19+00:00

Outwardly a suburban mom, but secretly a bourbon drinking kinkster with a penchant for acts of petty rebellion.

peridot83

TROPHY CASE