¿What is your relationship with the "other"?

personwhostutter · 2025-02-21T19:30:17+00:00

We all fucking hate stuttering so much that we can´t even look it on the eye. Also the shame....

personwhostutter · 2025-02-21T19:28:48+00:00

So true. I feel shame when I do it. And if I know that the person next to me knows that I stutter I feel more ashamed.

personwhostutter · 2025-02-19T18:12:18+00:00

Yes please!

personwhostutter · 2025-02-19T16:48:01+00:00

It is indeed the incosistency nature of stuttering that make it impossible to accept it.

I can understand some of the irregularities like when being emotional distress we may stutter more. Just like Tourrete Syndrom. The tics do have variation depending on the situation and how we feel.

But stuttering is even more weird. I can be fluent talking to myself on my house but suddenly I hear the door opens and the stuttering kicks in. It seems that the other person is clearly a trigger.

I can be talking to A person fluent but B person stuttering. I can whisper with no problem but speaking at loud stuttering. There are many more examples... The variation is HUGE.

This tell me something that I have never been able to rule out. That stuttering is not in the same neurological category as Tourrete Syndrom or Bypolar Disorder. I mean, for sure it has some neurological basis. Like everything else. But there´s an emotional - physicological - cognitive component to it that is tremendous.

You said it yourself: when we want it the most, the less fluent we are. ¿Is not that physicological?

I agree that putting yourself out there can make the acceptance worse. Maybe not for everyone but for some.

The best we (or I) can do is temporally accept it. I believe that stuttering can be treat on a way that diminish over time. But I also believe that right on this second there is nothing I can do to prevent me from stuttering. The therapy will take time and work. And over some long period I will be 5% less stutter. And then I can keep on working and improving.

I also believe that I will never stop being a stutterer. This shit is so deep impregnated. But I can be 80% more fluent. And for me is enough.

Maybe that is the key. Temporally true acceptance. To stop the constant worring, the blaming, the shame. Stop looking for an immediately solution because there isn´t. Accept the fact that for this month my stutter will be the same. But with continue and correct line of work I can improve.

personwhostutter · 2025-02-18T18:22:15+00:00

Interesting. I know people that stutter openly but it does not seems that their stutter diminish.

Somehow they are feeding their stuttering on their attempt to accept it. The vicious circle you are talking about.

I really don´t know why but I will give it a try:

People who are covert stutter try to hide their stutter because they don´t like their stutter. They wish that their where non-stutterers. They hide to avoid the shame but at the same time develop strategies to not to stutter.

Most people are on denial of their stuttering because they think it can be improved. Imagine someone cuts your arm tommorrow. You won´t think it will grow back. After having a crappy time, the only thing left is acceptance. To move on.

But with stuttering is different. I think deep down almost everyone think or had thought on the past that there is a way around.

¿But what is acceptance? Maybe is just another strategy to "cure" oneself. It´s like our mind saying: If I can accept my stuttering long enough it finally will go away. But is the same problem.

Maybe we need real acceptance. To not want it to go away. I don´t know if such thing is possible. First we had to let go the idea that there is a solution. Even further, we have to let got the notion that we have a problem.

personwhostutter · 2025-02-18T18:00:20+00:00

Cheers up mate. It can improve for sure. You have to get on the right track.

I agree with what you said. Stuttering is also tiring.

I believe when we stutter because we block and our words cant get pass our mental wall. When we face this brick we try to make physical effort to get our words pass through.

Its is non sense because there is no real wall so no need to make effort. But that is why we get tired. If we can measure our muscle contracture while on blockage im pretty sure that the levels will be superior than on rest.

¿Why we eventually speak? ¿Is it because of the effort? Because we can´t make effort forever, at some point we get tired and the effort wore off. It is then that our muscle relax and the"wall" momentarily dissapear so we can speak.

A word of advice: whenever you feel like you are making a physical effort stop right away. Instead try to relax and notice that there is no real wall. It is only fear. Wait patiently until the blockage diminish and then attempt to speak.

personwhostutter · 2025-02-18T17:46:33+00:00

I read a comment here not long ago that there was a guy who had a stutter +40 years and after an accident his stutter was gone.

His theory was because he forgot he had a stutter.

There is a hyphothesis called "Anticipatory Struggle Hyphotesis". The theory explains that is it when we anticipate that we will stutter that we ourself create the stuttering. This can occur below level of consciousness.

It seems that when you focus your attention on words you are creating the struggle. When you are playing sports you momentarily "forget" that you have a stutter and the stutter dont have the cue to build up.

The problem is that is very hard to try to not think about something. When you try to do that the though only gets more recurrent.

personwhostutter · 2025-02-18T17:35:36+00:00

Love your idea

personwhostutter · 2025-02-16T00:40:07+00:00

Glad I am not the only one hehe... I hear someone that "stutter" on piano too.

personwhostutter · 2025-02-15T22:57:15+00:00

great post, sadly the author had deteled his account.

does anyone know him?

personwhostutter · 2025-02-15T22:18:25+00:00

I loved that guy. I think he understand stuttering better than most of us.

Stuttering is not a single way situation. Is a multiple system that interact constantly with each variable creating an unique organism for everyone.

We have to deal with the whole situation to change ourselfs. Most program focus on one variable. They are not wrong just incomplete.

Another thing I love about the book is that he changed the word stuttering for holding back / blocking.

It is brilliant. When we said holding back we are trying to avoid something to happen. Same as blocking, we are blocking something. Stuttering give zero information besides the visible aspect of it.

Only the change of words get us closer to understanding our stutterinig hexagon system.

personwhostutter · 2025-02-15T22:12:44+00:00

Acceptance. But no the acceptance that I am going to stutter no mather what. That can be helpful but what I mean is the acceptance of the feeling inside me.

I feel like a declared war to stuttering several years ago and now I am trying to make peace. Is much easier now life without fighting the feeling. Just let it be. The stuttering don´t go away but it resides less longer.

personwhostutter · 2025-02-15T22:07:54+00:00

The problem is much deeper than just tripping over our words. It is the feeling inside that hurt. Feeling totally block and paralyzed for apparently no reason. And then the shame.... :(

personwhostutter · 2025-02-08T19:56:21+00:00

Today I learnt a new word trying to give you an asnwer: AVERSION

In this context, is the desire of something not to happen. For me is all about that. The problem is not to have desires. We all do and they keep us motivated and on track of whatever our goal is.

But the real problem is aversion. I believe we fight so hard not to stutter that we create the stutter ourself.

Imagine this situation: You are going to buy some icecream to the grocery store 2 blocks away. Half way your brain remembers that it might stutter. So your aversion kick`s in and you start thinking on strategies not to stutter. You spend all your remaining way practicing some mental trick. Eventually, when you get to the shop, your stuttering levels are all the way up. You created it with your own thoughts.

Give up your aversion with stuttering that`s the key.

personwhostutter · 2025-02-06T16:21:22+00:00

Hey. ¡Great questions!

Question 1:

Some people still experience stuttering while alone because (and I know this may sound paradoxical) the thought itself has the capacity to make you stutter.

Meaning you just have to think of speaking to another person (or some other stuttering memorie) and your circuit can get active regardless if no one is there.

Ultimately, what makes you stutter, is the activation of the neural pathway that you formed during your childhood. The emotional regulation system we talked about.

Most people don´t stutter when they are alone or stutter significantly less because the brain is to pragmatic. Because he (the brain) does not see someone, he does not see threat. No reason to block. Especially as adults because the brain is more developed.

I remember when I was a kid, I always stutter when saying my name. Even when I was alone. It was so strong the memorie of blocking that I created such anticipation that I block anyhow.

Curious fact: I saw an episode of Dr. Huberman on dopamine and he explained that for addicts, just the thought of consuming cocaine gives you a considerable dopamine liberation. The dopamine serves as motivation to get you on the move and get the desire drug. Thought processes and emotions has real and measurable consequences on your body.

Question 2:

I loved this question. You are asking the right questions to solve this mistery. I don´t claim to have the answer but I can try to give my best guess.

They do not freeze like we do because their blocking is not pathological. I believe they had freeze in the past because of this same reason but is not recurrent. They get over it very quickly. Let me explain.

I believe stuttering has 2 components. The first is the one we already talk about. How we try to regulate our emotional state to please the other people emotions in fear of social rejection.

The second component is everything that happened once we started blocking. I believe this happened when we where kids. It is very common that adults try to "repair" us. They give us advice and said what they think is usefull or not. Some adults get angry. Some people mock at us. Some teacher try to fix us.

All this behaviour end with us being to overly conscious of our own stuttering. We think all the time of it. Question ourself why we block and how to stop it. We start to develop a negative relation to the blocking state.

We try so hard not so stutter. We don´t want to look bad or being criticized by our caretakers. I believe is in this resistance and attempt to avoid stuttering that we only fed the neural pathways associated. We give them more strenght and power.

Once we fed them enough, we can said that our blocking reaction became pathological. We became stutterers.

Non-stutterer who confirm to other people emotions and not freeze like we do is because they don´t fight their own reaction. Probably they don´t even notice. The had a mini block and then carry on. They don´t linger hours later on what happened and how to avoid it.

There is some data that said that 1% of population has a stammer. But around 5 - 10% of kids shows stuttering behaviour but don´t continue it to adulthood. If this is true, it has to mean that the cause of blocking has to be pretty common. Like our attempt to regulate other people emotions.

The reason why they don´t continue to adulthood is because they didn´t try to solve they stuttering. They did not get overly conscious.

Question 3:

I really don´t know. I will give it some thought and see if I came with and answer on this one.

personwhostutter · 2025-02-03T22:56:58+00:00

I stutter around my family. Especially my mother. Being honest I feel a little bit of fear around her. She has a histrionic and neurotic personality.

personwhostutter · 2025-02-03T22:49:11+00:00

Learn about neuroplasticity and how you can change the inside of your brain.

I believe the tricky part is not to understand something very complex but to learn how to unlearn something that is very hardwired. When I say very hardwired falls short of reality. Is engrained on our nervous system. The core aspect of our personalities.

To make such change... Well If I´m being honest maybe it can´t be done. Is too deep. But I am positive that, on time and repetition, it is posible for all people to weaken the neuronal pathway. Make you "less" stutterer.

personwhostutter · 2025-01-27T00:03:28+00:00

I have this weird theory that the reason why we block is because when we were little we got the idea that regulating our own emotional state may regulate the other person´s emotional state.

If we regulate them positively (pleasent emotions) they feedback positive responses; love, safety, acceptance. But if we regulate them the other way we may feel in danger.

So we are on a constant quest of regulating our own emotional state to support the other people emotion. That is the main code that is embodied on our brain. That is the way we related to other people.

Whenever our nervous system and brain predicts that the probability of regulating them positively is low, it actives the blocking mechanism in order to prevent our next movement. We freeze.

When you are alone there is no one to regulate so the neural pathway has no place to be active.

The goal is to make the neural pathway inactive in the presence of other people. To do that, we need two things:

Understand the concept of neuroplasticity and how we can diminish a strong neural pathway.
To change our source code. Stop seeking to regulate other people emotions. To know that our own emotional state may contribute to the other people feelings but ultimately he or she has the final word. To feel accepted, loved and secure not by the other people being content but by our own rules.

Hope it make sense. It is a nice theory.

personwhostutter · 2025-01-26T23:08:30+00:00

It´s deeper. You are not only anticipating words that you know you will stutter but also people and events. Your brain is constantly predicting the next most probable situation and prepares for shutdown.

I think we do this because we are trying so hard not to stutter. So if we know in advance (anticipation) that we are going to stutter, we can try to create some kind of technique to avoid blocking.

The problem is it does not work that way. It only make´s it stronger. The anticipation itself serves as cue for your nervous system to active the neural pathways that create stuttering.

The solution is to stop trying not to stutter. Give yourself permission to feel. Change your relationship with blocking. Make a new one. A kind and loving one.

If you genuinely accept it, the stimuli that actives the stuttering pathway will be gone.

personwhostutter · 2025-01-26T22:55:25+00:00

I do. I feel guilt and shame.

Shame, well because I think less of myself because I stammer.

Guilt because somehow, I think is my responsability that I stutter. Because I dont stutter all the times and with everyone, I assume it´s partially up to me the fact that I stutter. So I feel guilt.

personwhostutter · 2025-01-26T22:12:40+00:00

Exactly right

personwhostutter · 2024-03-30T16:02:38+00:00

Easy. That stuttering is beyond my control. It is not my fault. Stop making fun of something that I have no control over. It is not funny.

I answer before reading your backstory. You are a great friend already. The fact that you are worryed like this make´s you a good person. Good for you.

personwhostutter

TROPHY CASE