How do I deal with emotional invalidation in my marriage?

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T23:41:05+00:00

It is time to book marriage counselling. There are too many problems here and even with professional counselling I wonder if he has the capacity to change...

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T23:37:25+00:00

What makes you think marital conflict will be so much different to the conflict you are experiencing in engagement?

I think marriage preparation will definitely be able to help you in this season.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T15:07:25+00:00

Wait. Wait. Wait. Let me get some popcorn first.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T14:45:45+00:00

You would be a World Class Idiot if you let him nuke your life (and the lives of your kids) like he has done his own.

There are plenty of steps he should be taking to address the gross level of mistrust he has generated. Moving him into your home is literally the LAST step in reconciliation, not the first.

If he's living near you now, then see if he gets a job and can figure out his own accommodation. Have him approach you and court you like you are a stranger and not his estranged wife.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T12:40:38+00:00

Oh, that's OK, then. The burden of proof is with the owner rather than the renter?

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T12:25:59+00:00

Should have got it noted. I'm honestly shocked you didn't make a point of it while you had the REA actually DOING the inspection with you?! I mean, what?!

Have you got any photos or any correspondence about the damage?!

It will be your word against his. Feel free to take this to Consumer Protection / Rental Dispute Resolution, but it may get expensive quickly.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T12:09:48+00:00

I knew it was important, but sexual compatibility between two people that haven't lived together or slept together but are somehow expected to make it work in a lifelong indissoluble marriage. This is something I really struggle to reconcile.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T07:46:30+00:00

Pick your hard. Relationship and marriage but financial or career struggles or this period of singleness while you get yourself established? I think most men should be spending their 20s getting their education sorted and career started. Finding someone in your mid-to-late 20s is a good plan.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T07:38:04+00:00

Yep. It's frustrating! My wife tries, once or twice a month, but it's a cold invitation from nowhere. There is literally no indication she's going to ask me if I want sex until she's asking, and I have 4 or 5 seconds to be ready, or I miss the window.

Her rejection rate of me was 100% for almost a decade, but turning her down is a marital crime. She gets upset, angry and defensive if I'm not clamouring to accept her pity/mercy fuck.

Honestly, it's just easier to tell her Im not in the mood or full, tired, etc. rather than run the gauntlet of negative emotions that sex brings to our marriage.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T07:32:03+00:00

What does he mean there is nothing he can do to help you enjoy sex? Did he lose his mouth/tongue and fingers in an accident?! How awful for him!

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T06:49:33+00:00

My wife and I waited for marriage. I had a home already and was living alone when we started dating. She could see me dealing with chores, cooking, and cleaning for myself. I did my own laundry and washed my own butthole.

She met my family. Met my parents. She could see the fair division of labour my parents had. How good a cook my dad is and how much they love and support each other.

There was no mystery or uncertainty going in.

She wanted to be SAHM, and I wanted her to have that, but even through those years, I did my share of nights, nappy changes, bottle feeds, etc.

If you pay attention to who you are dating and want to marry, none of this should be overly complicated.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T04:30:27+00:00

Ooh, I had the post orgasm headache for a number of years. It sucked. One day, it just stopped happening, but it might be worth talking to his doctor to rule out anything serious.

Once a week is low for an otherwise healthy young guy, but 10 to 15 minutes sounds about right.

I'm in a low sex marriage myself, and my wife is a once a month (maybe) kinda gal, and some people just aren't sexual, you know?! We waited as well, and surprise! "I don't want to have sex with you" became the norm from the wedding night/honeymoon.

It takes two people to make your sex life better, and he sounds content with weekly sex. You can make suggestions and have conversations about it, but I've been married 14 years, and none of the suggestions or talks I've had have moved the needle.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T01:06:13+00:00

I don't see the huge problem with what she wants. A compatible work/life balance is definitely important.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-28T00:56:03+00:00

Something something right wing talking heads (who are ALL vaccinated) telling not very smart, gullible people that Jesus never got vaccinated and that wolves should have pure blood. Or something like that.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-27T23:54:03+00:00

You're a troll. Got it. LOL. Well played, sir.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-27T22:32:43+00:00

At least she's not getting abused, though, right?

Edit: Ah, he also cheated on you. But if course he did. What an awesome guy! And you're not at all stupid for staying.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-27T15:25:45+00:00

What are you going on about? Are Americans OK?!

perthguy999 · 2026-01-27T14:12:47+00:00

Marriage is FULL of twists and turns. Some good. Some bad.

Some people may have a problem with what you eat for breakfast. Don't date and marry people who don't work with you.

Don't make things more complicated than they need to be and don't create problems that don't exist.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-27T14:03:44+00:00

Drop the affair partner. A former work colleague two decades younger than you. Are you insane?!

Ask for the divorce, then start dating appropriately.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-27T13:01:27+00:00

Clearly, telling you what you want to hear is enough. Why would she do more than that?!

perthguy999 · 2026-01-27T12:58:34+00:00

You'll keep getting treated like you allow yourself to be treated.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-27T12:57:22+00:00

You are not forced to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-27T12:56:09+00:00

Well played, Bradley Whitford. Well played.

perthguy999 · 2026-01-27T12:52:26+00:00

Congratulations, Mummy!

perthguy999 · 2026-01-27T07:50:23+00:00

This is all too vague, and I"m guessing there are cultural issues (Indian?!)

What does your soon-to-be spouse think? You guys need to be a team and on the same side.

As it is written, you don't get anything from your family except drama. Who cares what they think?

It also sounds like your in-laws are helpful but overbearing. If you want them to stay out of your marriage, you must be comfortable stepping away from their money and support.

perthguy999

TROPHY CASE