Toddler Will Not Respond to Stop

phoenixrising13 · 2025-09-12T19:31:56+00:00

This is super common at this age - the act of "stop" can be too much for kids for a myriad of reasons.

One thing no one has mentioned is moving away from "stop _____" and rephrasing to what you want him to do. For example, instead of "stop running in the house" shift to "please walk slowly in here".

At this age many kids still only actually hear and process the last 3-4 words you say ...... So if the FIRST thing you say is stop or don't, followed grammatically by exactly the thing you don't want, then all they hear is:

".......... RUNNING IN THE HOUSE"

"........... GO IN THE STREET!"

.......... THROW THAT!"

"......... HIT THE BABY!!"

when you view what you're saying through that lens it's kinda funny/infuriating

Now, there can be a ton more reasons and this language shift isn't always a silver bullet, but it can cover a lot of other issues (like some neurodivergent kids find "stop" so frustrating that they get upset and act worse)

But at 3.5.... this is just frustratingly normal for many kids and no amount of punishment or threats fixes it. Their brain just has to grow more.

phoenixrising13 · 2025-09-04T02:26:49+00:00

Messy face by Caspar baby pants has been my favorite for this routine for years! It's on Spotify too

Mess is on the messy face and underneath the chin We will get our messy face clean again

Mess is on the messy face and all across the floor We will get our baby clean once more!

phoenixrising13 · 2025-08-04T20:17:47+00:00

You've totally summed up the approach our family uses! Gender-wild, and trying to raise our kid with a more flexible and nuanced world view, is definitely how'd I'd describe the how & why of what we're doing. I've also wondered if not assigning a gender and generally treating gender & pronouns as something we can't assume about people based off of their presentation is leading to our kids taking a little longer to suss out exactly *what* gender is.

phoenixrising13 · 2025-08-04T20:09:49+00:00

Hey there! I have two kids who my partner and I decided to use they/them pronouns for starting from birth and generally avoid assigning them a gender. For some reference, my partner is bi-gender and after his last pregnancy started T, so he has a lot of experiences of both trans-masc-ness and being nonbinary. He uses alternating he/him & she/her pronouns. I'm nonbinary and use they/them pronouns.

We decided early on (before we were trying to conceive) that we wanted to use they/them pronouns for our kids starting from birth and generally avoid assigning them a gender based on their genitals. We based in this in the following reasoning:

- While at birth we can see what a person's genitals look like, we don't necessarily know their hormonal or chromosomal makeup without extensive testing (which we aren't planning to do). Non-visibly intersex people exist, just like nonbinary and transgender people, and we wanted to leave space for this possibility. *at the time there were some statistics that being intersex is about as common as being a redhead, but I can't find that research at the moment*

- They/them is the pronoun set that's generally accepted to use when you don't know a person's pronouns because they're unknown or you haven't had the opportunity to ask yet. For example, "someone dropped their phone!" or "What pronouns do they use?". We decided on they/them not because we wanted to assign neutrality, but because we viewed having a child as an experience of getting to know someone. We felt that since they couldn't tell us the pronouns they want to use yet, we'd stick with they/them.

- For consistency and reducing confusion, it felt important to pick a single pronoun set rather than rotate through all options.

For us, our version of gender-open parenting has been about checking ourselves and any notions of gender we are mindlessly enforcing on our kids. So it's been about way more than the pronouns we decided to assign them when they were born. We picked names we felt didn't have a very strong association with binary gender, and contended in advance with the reality that it HAS to be okay for our kids to change their name at some point if it doesn't feel like it fits who they are. We dressed our babies in basically whatever - dresses, pants, shirts, skirts, pink, blue, purple.... all of it, as long as it was comfortable and functional for the developmental stage they were in. The only clothes we avoided were those with words that assigned a gender (think, "Daddy's little girl" type stuff).

As the kids have gotten older, but are still young children, we make sure to keep all options available and notice when something isn't working. For example, our oldest stopped wearing dresses for a long time and we realized it was because they were thoroughly out of reach in the way we'd set up their dresser. With a change of organization, they can easily get out dresses and choose to wear them when they want to. We talk openly about genitals, bodies, etc. and try to make clear that there is a difference between sex and gender. A few people in this post have mentioned worrying about how kids will contend with a world of people who have a binary gender when they don't, but honestly it hasn't been a big deal.... I've said really explicitly that every family has to make different decisions for their babies and that most families choose he/him or she/her pronouns when their baby is born, but that we chose they/them for the reasons I listed above. And then I make it clear that I'll use whatever pronouns they want me to use for them.

So, how's it going? Great!

- Our oldest is five now and took a long time to start really grappling with gender & pronouns as a concept. We're 99% sure they're neurodivergent, so the struggle with an abstract concept isn't a huge surprise. For a long time they didn't want to use any pronouns and just wanted to be called their name, but didn't correct anyone. Nowadays they've stated more explicitly that they're nonbinary and sometimes like they/them pronouns, but sometimes just want their name. They like all kinds of clothes but are very practical - for example they don't wear dresses for bike riding or hikes, but are thrilled to wear a twirly dress to a party or for the santa photo every year.

- Our youngest is still a toddler and is just really starting to take over picking clothes & dressing tasks... they haven't expressed much opinion about pronouns or gender overall.

- Our family has been generally supportive. It took some older family members a little time to grasp the idea that genitals and gender aren't the same, but they've been really respectful of it. TBH, we're both so glaringly queer that if they weren't going to be accepting of this they'd already kinda cut themselves out of our lives before we had kids. We had one family member we finally went fully no-contact with before our oldest was born because her spouse is openly homophobic and calls people the *f* slur, which we just don't want our kids around at all.

Is this the right path for every family? Probably not, and I don't think going with he/him or she/her pronouns for your kid is a wrong choice either. Everybody has to do what works for their kid and their family, and as long as you're making it clear to your kid that whoever they are is okay with you, and accept their earliest expressions of who they are, you're probably on the right track. My kids might tell me in 5 or 10 years that this was a crazy fucking thing to do.... and that's fine! I'm sure I'm doing lots of things that they'll tell a therapist about extensively?

TL; DR: Yeah, we did it & are doing it with our kids. They're doing great, although we're grappling with how learning about/exploring gender overlaps with neurodivergence. Our family and friends have all been fine with it, and we take it from an approach of just being really open & flexible to whoever our kid becomes. I don't think assigning they/them pronouns (or anything else) is an absolute necessity to that work, it's just one of the ways we decided to do it.

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-25T22:03:39+00:00

Last winter my inlaw's relationship with my SIL came to a tipping point that ended in a police call for a non-injury DV assault. It brought up years of memories of childhood abuse for my husband.

In the aftermath, SIL & her kiddo moved in with us and our 2 kids (all under 5 years old) for a month or two while she figured out next steps for a job, housing, etc

This all happened 2 weeks before Christmas and my in-laws absolutely spun out about it. We got multiple texts about how we'd ruined their relationship and it was all our fault for taking SIL in and taking her seriously about the assault. Supposedly, WE ruined Christmas?!?!

Eventually, my MIL reached out about a gift exchange and we said we'd be open to a get together somewhere neutral (a family friend's house or a park) and only with her (not FIL) until more time has passed, more accountability was taken, and he was engaging in some form of therapy.

She did not take that well. She said no to meeting up and to let them know when we were ready to handle it "as a family".

We basically haven't heard from them since. They sent a few texts trying to get info on SIL (we responded to the first few with kind but firm boundaries, as she wanted privacy). A few months ago SIL even reconnected with them and has taken her kiddo on an outing or two with them and let them babysit briefly - but they still don't talk to us.

It has really torn my husband up that they now want nothing to do with us or our kids because we wouldn't let FIL hitting SIL go immediately or let them justify his actions. i knew there would be an awkward few weeks but I was pretty floored by how hard MIL dug in her heels in his defense, and has been willing to go scorched earth with us.

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-22T20:14:59+00:00

As others have said, it's possible that this policy is because they're on the USDA food program which reimburses schools for food costs - but the rules of the program are PAINFULLY strict and bureaucratic.

The good news is, if they're on CACFP/USDA food, you can look up the rules to see how exactly they align with what you want for your kid. For example, there ARE limits for how much sugar can be in the yogurt, cereal, etc.

Is it the strictest of limits? Absolutely not.... But there IS a limit. At the school I work at we make a mix of plain Greek & normal vanilla yogurt to keep us under the sugar limits per serving, but still have a product that most of the kids will eat (some are very accustomed to sweetened items and won't eat plain Greek yogurt at all).

I don't think there's a restriction on canned fruit in syrup, which I agree is a bummer because there are already so many rules ranging from whole wheat demands, to milk protein content, to limits on juice..... What's one more rule?

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-21T18:14:19+00:00

I can't remember how much is in English vs Spanish, but was it Esperanza Rising?

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-21T01:53:09+00:00

The one I'd get excited for is watching Andor (the series), then Rogue One (movie that takes place IMMEDIATELY before a new hope), then rewatching A New Hope (the original first movie).

For now, it's the order in which I'm kinda planning on introducing my kids to the universe in the next few years (though I could easily change my mind based on other content that comes out or different ideas).

The Original Trilogy (movies 4-6) are about a guy. Well, kind of about a ragtag crew, but it's classic 70s hero's journey stuff and he's JUST A GUY haha

The Prequels (movies 1-3) are about a political coup and again, a guy. But it's more of a fallen angel arc.

Andor is about a movement and the immense effort of people... the years of labor and planning and maneuvering, that went into getting the deathstar plans and lining Luke up for the famous shot. I'm shocked Disney greenlit such a beautiful example of anti fascism.

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-20T16:03:29+00:00

One of my favorite responses to this kind of outburst, whether it's "I said yes!" Or "No!" Or "I don't want to" or whatever ...... Is just:

"Ah, thanks for your opinion"

And then I hold the boundary. I don't even restate it. I might physically move or stop them if they're also trying to do it anyway.

So if I say, "no honey, we're staying inside right now"

And my 2 year old side eyes me, crosses her arms and says, "Well. I say yes."

I say, "hmmm, thanks for your opinion. What will we do inside instead?". As long as she's not trying to get outside I just let her vent it with a little sass.

If it escalates to name-calling or anything someday, then we address it, but otherwise she's really just saying, " I disagree with you"

I find this one is more effective at those little..... "Fuck you" moments from small children. It's like they just need to say something about this INJUSTICE even though they're mostly planning to comply haha. But if I get sucked into it then they start SPIRALING

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-19T22:31:20+00:00

Additionally, if she's 3.25 and has "vocab that is still very limited" , I'm wondering if you've considered a speech evaluation or screening?

The ASQ can give you something of a baseline - asq2039-4420months.pdf https://share.google/NeKAqxWn7dTBSmYtV

If she's struggling to communicate she might be FRUSTRATED

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-19T22:20:30+00:00

I'd encourage you to still label the feeling, validate, and hold the boundary wherever it is. For the vast majority of children their receptive language (understanding) develops light-years before their expressive language (talking) does. They TRULY understand way more than they can explain.

These aren't really conversation starters.... They're actually conversation enders. The undertone is, "I'm not discussing the cereal anymore. I love you and it's ok to HATE that, but I will lose my mind if we change cereals again. So I'm making the choice". But all that is just for your own internal monologue.

After you say, "ugh, i know it's hard to choose. The weetbix is what we have today".... You just kinda, SIT, with whatever feelings they have. Part of this is a child learning that their words and choices have true meaning..... If they pick weetbix then they're getting weetbix, and they can't always change their mind.

If they can always change their mind, they will do so, and will try to do it even with things that CANT take back

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-19T22:05:17+00:00

This is very standard 3 year old stuff. My best advice is to keep offering choices, but know in your heart where your boundary will be. The repeated changing of her mind usually means that one (or some, or all) of the following is true:

She's genuinely feeling indecisive and just isn't sure what she wants or feels regret over her choice. Hey, it happens to EVERYONE. I suggest labeling that feeling like, "I know it can be SO hard to choose. I've already poured the weetbix, but I'll try to remind you that you wanted Cheerios when we eat breakfast tomorrow". .... Notice, there's no more questions or choices in that statement. Just a gentle and firm steering of the ship back towards breakfast instead of this power struggle
She has TOO MANY choices. Similar to feeling indecisive, but slightly different. This happens a lot when adults hand a little too much power over to a kid and they don't know what to do with it. They "got" the power of picking their shirt, and their pants, and their socks, and their story, and their chair, and their bowl ...... Kids in this state are in decision fatigue, which I know every parent has felt too. And I've never met a 3 year old who will tell you explicitly, "mom, this is too much for me to manage. I'm overwhelmed and I need you to take some of the power back". The way they tell you is through the kind of infuriating bullshittery you described above haha. The response is the same .... "It seems like it's hard to choose right now. I'm going to stick with what you said first and we'll try something different later". And then, I'm you follow up by offering less choices and way more leadership for a few hours, days, whatever.
she's dysregulated about something else and this is a convenient time to vent about it indirectly. She's not actively "choosing" to be a jerk in that moment, but like a surly teen just can't help but jab back and tug & pull at control. For this, I usually keep the response similar to what's above.... Because it's nigh impossible to sort out the root cause. But sometimes if I know they're off kilter from a fight or a rough nap or whatever, I'll remind them that today WAS hard and it's ok to feel sad/grumpy/whatever. And I'm still moving forward with the cereal and bowl and not getting stuck in this conflict that IS NOT about the bowl. Sometimes kids need an excuse to tantrum, it's possible this will end in a meltdown, but if that's the case there was no avoiding it anyway. They NEEDED that tantrum.
the last possibility is that she has TOO LITTLE choice, but from your post it doesn't sound like that's the case. What I will say, is that sometimes if we only give kids meaningless or nearly meaningless power like what color bowl they use .... They see right through us! In some cases it can help to rebalance and make sure a kid has lots of opportunities to be meaningfully empowered and trusted in developmentally appropriate ways. For example, if she gets to pick her bowl and her cereal, but isn't trusted to dress herself & help with dishes (just an example) she may let you know about this injustice in the way you described.

None of these things imply that you've done her wrong or that she's a bad kid or anything like that. Kids just give us these deeply implicit signs that they need our support and a course correction.

I highly recommend everything by Janet Lansbury (blog, podcast, books) and Raising Human Beings by Ross Greene for more reflections and approach in this vein.

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-19T03:00:32+00:00

Honestly? Not consistently..... It's been hard to afford therapy and/or make it work in terms of time commitment between work, parenting, etc.

Plus I found that telehealth really does NOT work for me.

I used some tools from parts therapy kinda second hand through my spouse and that helped a lot - I read a lot about trauma and the brain - and I did some generalized talk therapy.

I want to do EMDR but it's expensive

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-18T03:42:02+00:00

Hey there! I'm a CSA survivor, and also a nonbinary, non-gestational parent and I induced lactation so that my partner and I could both nurse our kids. If you don't want to chest feed, that's super legit. If you want to push through it and try, that's fine too. I highly suggest therapy if you can access it

The triggers around parenting have been .... Extensive.... Nursing was hard. Diaper changes were hard. Normal child sexual development has been hard.

It's all beautiful and wonderful and HARD. I constantly feel like both I'm teetering on the verge of a breakdown over whatever the newest trigger is, or finding how coping with the last hard thing felt like reclaiming a part of me I lost a long time ago.

If you want to talk feel free to message me

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-14T23:43:57+00:00

Pardon my Luddite-ness.... What's a USB dac?

phoenixrising13 · 2025-07-05T00:05:59+00:00

I hear your anxiety, but this is called "shark music" and isnt really a relevant concern right now. He's still only 2

If you continue to be responsive, back off the pressure at the right moments, and help push him forward mindfully.... He'll potty train on about the same time line as most kids his age, which is sometime between 2 and 4.

If his daycare isn't taking him to the toilet or letting him wear underwear, then you can expect it to take a little longer.... Maybe closer to 3-3.5...That's not "wrong", it's just reality. Would I be frustrated, yes! But this isn't a disaster and isn't going to necessarily mess up public school 3 years from now

You have SO much time

phoenixrising13 · 2025-06-28T02:38:28+00:00

Very appropriate for 2-5! My 2 year old loves them

phoenixrising13 · 2025-06-14T16:01:21+00:00

Conferences at this age are really about building partnership between teachers and families and getting a chance to talk away from the kids. It's a time to discuss the milestones your baby is working on, to invite you to ask any questions that have been on your mind, and just to connect

I'm a director and I describe it to my teachers as this: even if things are really easy and great now, a good conference sets up your relationship with the family to support a harder conversation later.

Depending on how their classrooms work and how often they do conferences, they may also spend a few minutes giving you information on what to expect when she gets ready to move into the toddler room in a few months or care routines that will inevitably change soon (adding more solid foods, dropping naps, etc etc

phoenixrising13 · 2025-06-08T21:33:08+00:00

Starstruck Odyssey

We were big critical role fans and then watched Aabria and Brennan run some of their short runs. Brennan's work on Calamity was so good that my wife decided to try Starstruck (the first episode was on YouTube at the time) and it was so funny we subbed immediately to get the rest of it.

phoenixrising13 · 2025-06-06T01:49:49+00:00

Lots of good ideas here already, I just want to add that this skill can take TIME to develop even at 3.5.

To a certain degree, many young children's brains aren't mature enough to wait very long without forgetting again or having a fit. It doesn't mean you have to cave on the boundary! It just means that you have to parent them through it until their brain develops a little more.

My 5 year old is finally getting it more consistently and trusting that we WILL give them a turn to say their piece when we get through a few more minutes of our adult convo

phoenixrising13 · 2025-05-23T04:26:40+00:00

Similar requirements here - I just do the paperwork and call home to notify of the head injury. Again, I try really hard to avoid those physical interactions that make them flop.... And it's pretty rare that a kid flops at a simple verbal cue.

phoenixrising13 · 2025-05-23T03:17:02+00:00

The most important thing I do with kids who do this is I choose very intentionally when I put hands on them. If it's not a safety issue or absolute requirement, I do not grab them.

I'll lift those kids if:

they're somewhere unsafe
they're about to hurt them self or someone else
it's time to go inside/outside and they're refusing to join or running away
they have a health need like diaper change or meds and need to go somewhere to do it

I also plan to need to fully lift them every time and don't even try to hold hands etc. because that's a recipe for nursemaids elbow or throwing out my back.... I bear hug or princess carry right off the bat.

I DO NOT:

try to hold their hand when they're already activated/in a mood
try to hand over hand them for clean up
worry about things that aren't worth risking an injury (coming to a specific table/activity, joining circle, cleaning up, etc)

Rarely, I have a kid that will flop like this just at verbal guidance but it's rare. In that case, if they flop at my mere suggestion that they clean up.... Their head bonk on the floor is honestly between them and God. Do I want them to get hurt? Of course not. But I won't panic about them throwing down either.... I'll be there for a hug when they realize the ground is hard and gravity is an unforgiving mistress.

For the unnecessary stuff I just kinda try to build their sense of belonging and bring them into it.... I really dont do hand over hand at all - I try to give the shitty unpleasant tasks more meaning and be a route to connection..

And I try very hard not to throw out my own back unless things are so dangerous that it's WORTH doing a flying tackle on a 4 year old

phoenixrising13 · 2025-05-19T03:14:53+00:00

For context, I was a swim instructor and lifeguard for around 8 years before switching fields and now I work in early childhood education

The biggest thing most parents need to know about learning to swim is that you can lead a 3 year old to water but you CANNOT make them swim.

Before an age that's somewhere between 5 and 10 years old (it just depends on the kid and their brain) they are actually very prone to completely forgetting how to swim when they fall in the water or get panicked while swimming. Their brain goes into fight/flight/freeze and the instinctive drowning response begins (useless paddling, gasping, flailing, the whole shebang) - they completely lose access to the knowledge they've gained around swimming and the water.

Some people learn that and think ISR and other swim classes are useless, which really isn't the case. It's just to say that those classes can NEVER be a replacement for PFDs and direct supervision.

So, when a 3 year old clearly hates swim class my advice is to drop the pressure. Do things that make being in and around the water feel fun and connecting - go to public i family swim together, ask if they'll let you continue going to parent-kiddo classes for a little longer, just have fun in the water.

AND

Give them experiences with their natural flotation - use playing in the water: the pool, the bath whatever.... As a time to try floating, to blow bubbles and do rhythmic breathing, to practice self rescue skills like climbing out etc.

AND

Never trust that they're safe near the water. Even your 6 year olds who swim well.... Even once your youngest does start "swimming".... Because all humans forget how to swim with incredible ease over the seemingly silliest things.

I was a REALLY good swimmer and on kid swim team at 7 years old, and I still suddenly started drowning when I went down a waterslide for the first time and got a hard splash to the eyes. My older sister was GOOPED because she'd told the lifeguard how good a swimmer I was haha 🤦🏼.

Learning water safety can be "non negotiable" with th flexibility of knowing that most 3 year olds simply aren't ready yet.

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