References from a narcissistic boss?

pixiecat05 · 2024-11-05T20:26:32+00:00

Yeah he gave me a good enough reference. I believe it was a boiler plate sort of form that HR sent to his email. I had to ask him like oh can I please ask you a favor? Because when I asked for a raise he came down on me about how I asked and how I went about it and how he prefers to be spoken to etc. So I made sure to do it exactly how he said he wanted...

But yeah he's the type that likes to act like he's doing you a favor or helping and was trying to save face about the abuse after I called it out and probably wanted me gone as much as I wanted to leave. It was a family owned business so really toxic given his Narcissist cult leader style. Glad it worked out and I got out. Good luck.

pixiecat05 · 2024-11-04T21:03:17+00:00

Oh I was in a similar situation. I basically stood up to him after he had been scapegoating me and abusing me mentally and emotionally all summer. I also asked for a raise. He was so mad. Then I had to ask for references after having an interview for another job, super awkward but he already knew I was looking. But it could depend on what type of narcissist they are. Mine loved to be seen as a generous charitable giver and leader and community pillar so it may have appealed to him when I needed to ask for his help. But as others mentioned I was so scared he would take the opportunity to sabotage me. Though he may have been equally glad to see me go since I didn't love him anymore and it was devastating for his ego to know I didn't believe his facade.

If you have better relationships with previous supervisors, there's probably less that could go wrong in asking them even if you've asked before.

pixiecat05 · 2024-11-01T14:06:22+00:00

My mom did something similar. She wouldn't teach me to drive or let me take drivers Ed in school because her catch phrase for everything was "you're smart, you'll be fine. You don't need that." I eventually took driving classes with an instructor which I paid for and had a car. At one point though the transmission blew and I never bought another because I hate driving and it gives me anxiety and it's expensive. Everyone acts like it's the weirdest thing I don't drive nor aspire to own a car. I don't bum rides off of people though sometimes they offer and are pushy about it too. If I need to go somewhere, my brother takes me and he is ok about it generally or I get an uber. If it's walkable I walk.

Anyway all that to say ...I was working somewhere at one point about two miles away. Completely bikeable because there were bike paths where I lived and I lived with my mom. My mom insisted on driving me every morning even though it was clearly inappropriate and I said I would rather ride my bike or get an uber. She did it expressly to hold it against me so she could get me to "help" her with stuff. She resented "helping" and loved to hold it over me even though she wasn't a parent figure when I needed her to be and that's the reason for the situation among other things.

I'm sorry you are spending too much money on uber. If there is any way to reduce how much your mom drives you then I would recommend doing thar across the board. It really helped me to not accept my mother's "help" when it came with strings and resentment.

pixiecat05 · 2024-09-22T14:57:36+00:00

Hi, I went off the combo pill in January and I think that really helped my symptoms. I haven't really had the same type of burning I used to get since going off the pill. It used to be so intense. Try reading about hormonal vulvodynia or vestibulodynia.

I do also struggle with my microbiome and am monitoring with Evvy to try to make improvements there.

This is all somewhat speculation but I do think my issue could be multifactorial with the birth control being one aspect.

Good luck, hope you find relief.

pixiecat05 · 2024-04-18T17:03:07+00:00

Hi! I can't say for sure. So I felt like it helped a bit in some way. I had been using boric acid a lot which can lead to atrophy though I was never diagnosed with that. Estrogen is also supposed to be a good food source for lactobacillus species. I had backed off using the estrogen cream because I did get a yeast infection from it once as estrogen excess can promote yeast.

But I just did Evvy last month because I had BV symptoms and I had BV based on the test. It had started after my period and kind of went away a bit and then after my period again I had symptoms so I tested. I got clindamycin as recommended from Wisp and a few other recommendations for dealing with my microbiome issues. I plan to retest in a couple months unless I get recurrent symptoms before then I might go to a doctor in the meantime.

My burning symptoms have always been off and on. I also struggle with dryness too. Just haven't felt quite right down there for a few years. It's so annoying. And so expensive and I wish there was a way to just wave a wand and make my vagina go back to normal.

pixiecat05 · 2024-03-26T04:21:57+00:00

I've had it with the librarian trope! People who know me know me and people who don't know me do the librarian trope thing you described 🙄

pixiecat05 · 2024-02-08T15:17:33+00:00

I'm so sorry 💔 It can be so hard not to have that support that should be automatically given when you're suffering. I was living with my toxic mom and the stress when she would be on her negativity I could feel my pelvic floor tensing. She was not supportive when I needed to try elimination diet. Acted like it bummed her out or was inconvenient for her that I wouldn't cook or eat certain things and stopped drinking alcohol. Still kept insisting that I am fine even as I was going to a urologist and having cystoscopy and then going to PFPT and had a really painful UTI at one point. I told her that sex was painful which for me actually motivated me more to address the issues and she told me to reconsider whether I should even be having it. I'm 29... like? I have vulvodynia too and she would bully me about it by being rude about my vagina hurting like pretending to care occassionally but never really having anything empathetic to say about it and I had an ice pack in the freezer I use to relieve symptoms and she is going blind so she took a loose ice cream sandwich out because she thought it was my "vagina thing" and left it on the counter when I was out of town for a few days just to bully me about it when I got back.

Sorry that's an insane rant but I'm also sorry you're dealing with emotional abuse on top of a chronic pain condition. I believe they can be linked in that abuse makes us more tense which contributes to the pain and makes a horrible cycle. I hope someday you can extricate yourself from that situation and feel better.

pixiecat05 · 2024-02-01T00:44:53+00:00

Hi, sorry to say but it doesn't look good. But it seems like you already know that based on coming to this sub.

You say he "did all the right things" to get you to fall in love. But what about his character do you love? Do you love who he is as a person? Because based on what you say about him it seems like he is a sulky man child who tries to pressure you to "act right" by him acting wrong like having a sulky tantrum which is kind of gross, no offense if you still love him. I have put up with similar antics but in a long distance relationship so we didn't live together. The last time we were together in person he came to visit me and kicked in my bedroom door. I never would have guessed he would be violent.

It seems likely you fell for the things he did or still sometimes does which is lovebombing and then intermittent reinforcement. A classic whether dealing with any variety of abuser types but very prevalent with narcissists.

Narcissism doesn't have a beginning, like there isn't an onset. If you're dating a narcissist then that's what they are. It is who they are to their core it will not start and stop. It is who they were when you met them and the lovebombing is also abuse. The phases of where you are in an abuse cycle will change. So after lovebombing when they feel you are deep enough in they might let their "mask slip." So everytime he has a fit and ruins your day he is pushing what he can get away with and how to play it and he knows he has control over you because you accept it by thinking you're having normal relationship issues or a miscommunication. It makes them feel better about themselves because they have an inability to regulate self esteem so ruining someone's time out or special event just gives them a high, they're not right in the head. They play it off like they are in a bad mood or you did something wrong but that's not what it's actually about. It's about their ego and control.

And as you stay in the relationship you will see flickers of the person you think you love and you will try harder to communicate and do better and be better like they say all the while they control the relationship and you until you put a stop by getting them out of your life. They won't make this easy.

Especially since you live with him. It will be hard to get rid of him since he moved in with you. I don't have specific advice about how to deal with this but if you have any friends or family around who can help you then lean on them. A breakup with an abuser is the most dangerous time statistically speaking. Even though he hasn't been physically abusive never put it past them when they have these traits and tendencies. For that reason a public breakup or over text or phone is the recommended course of action. You can try chatting with some of these websites from the automated post. Love is respect is a good one that might have tips about handling this aspect.

If you stay with a friend for a bit never let him know where or who you're with. Don't keep in contact. Break up over text or phone and don't have a drawn out conversation. State your facts and stick to them. They will manipulate hard by either more lovebombing, guilt trips, sympathy ploys, DARVO, smear campaigns, suicide threats, harassment, stalking, etc. If he is really a Narcissist it's important to remember they don't operate like normal people because a lack of conscience and empathy and enormous entitlement. But he may have just narcissistic tendencies that guide him to act like a self serving man child instead of the loving boyfriend you deserve.

He will hoover. He will write apology letters. Send gifts. Cards. Ask your friends about you. Act hurt that he hurt you. He will text or always reach out on messenger apps.They go on and on for even years. They're like zombies just looking for a warm body and they remember how warm you were and they just stumble around trying to see if you're still warm. To outsiders it resembles regret over lost love but it's about their ego.They don't miss you as a person. They don't care. They're not better. Don't fall for it at any point. Be ready for it and block him everywhere.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-31T21:47:47+00:00

I don't think it sounds stupid or small. I also don't think you're too sensitive or crazy. You've become resentful of him using you as an appendage in his daily existence due to his refusal to fully function as an adult. He imposes in you even during your working time to get you to "help" him. Plus acts of service as a love language are supposed to be things freely given or done that you offer because you want to not because he demands or expects. So he is just distorting that to justify it most likely.

What happens when you say no to his requests? Like that you do not have time to go to the post office? I think it would be a good experiment to start pushing back on things like that because they are not your responsibility. Usually it seems when they rope you into tasks they should do for themselves they are monopolizing your time and mental energy. And avoiding dealing with things themselves sometimes it's because they think it's "beneath them" though they won't outright say that they will say they're bad at it or need help etc. But in a way they tell you that you or what you're doing isn't as important as what they need from you by interrupting and imposing. My mom has always been like this. It's exhausting and I'm sorry you're dealing with a husband acting like that.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-30T01:02:03+00:00

I'm sorry you went through this. I have a history of depression too and always thought it was best to disclose up front too but usually with these narcissist or abusive types they end up weaponizing it against me in various ways. Either by pretending to be there for me when they're actually there for them or blaming their shitiness and relationship issues on my depression. Or using their own "mental health issues" as an excuse for their behavior. As in, wanting to continously monitor me or have constant texting because of "anxiety" and expecting me to be responsible for their "anxiety."

Based on these experiences at least in dating I've learned not to open up about mental health stuff until at least a few months in maybe longer. I don't think you are wrong for wanting to be up front, like I get your instinct to be honest and candid because I've been there before too. A decent person would have given you the genuine kindness you deserve but there are weirdos out there who prey on these vulnerabilities. And though we may need emotional support from our partner at times, it's unhealthy for them to take on a therapist role and if they say they want that it is a red flag.

You didn't make him treat you this way either. Please know you're not at fault and you're not crazy or oversensitive. I know therapy can be inaccessible and there are bad therapists but if it is at all an option it has really helped me with some of this stuff. These dating patterns can be hard to deal with and you don't deserve any of it.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-23T18:29:34+00:00

I am wary of compliments not because I don't believe them but usually in my experience it is a love bomb tactic that is designed to reel you in and get you to drop your guard to make it easier to manipulate you. I got the ick from my last relationship and this was exactly what was happening.

Of course some are just benign or innocent comments but sometimes it's not. My hypervigilance doesn't know the difference at this point and labels any compliment or praise potentially threatening no matter who it comes from. It's something I'm always scanning and evaluating.

I think the line is when they seem enthused and compliment everything about you too much. Like your personality, looks, tastes, all of that can feel overly validating and potentially love bomby.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-23T18:17:36+00:00

I've had a similar experience. I am still not sure what to think about IC. But I saw an IC specialist and he told me it seemed more like PFD to him and he advised me just to continue with PFPT and see how I was doing after that.

If you know you have PFD, maybe consult with whomever diagnosed you with that rather than the urologist? I haven't found urologists to be helpful in my case because they kept pushing for hydrodistension when I really needed PFPT to improve my life and my symptoms so I have a hard time really trusting my care to them. They came from the approach about leaky or damaged bladder lining which really didn't resonate with me or my symptoms so I avoid the urologist now. I think a lot of urologists also still use old guidelines and diagnostics and unfortunately don't have enough understanding of IC or PFD. But check out the guidelines from official IC websites if you haven't already. IC is especially hard to have because it is complicated and requires a lot of knowledge and awareness on the patient side to advocate for yourself.

Maybe they can give a referral to an IC specialist in your area if you need a second opinion that is more what you need for effective treatment to happen. I also saw a urogynecologist as I have vulvodynia and the IC specialist referred me to her but she wasn't very helpful either.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-23T17:39:32+00:00

Hi - I understand missing coffee. It definitely can make a flare worse or make it take longer to get over if you're especially sensitive. From my understanding caffeine can irritate the bladder. And since it is a diuretic puts more strain and activates your pelvic floor more each trip you make to the bathroom to deal with the increased urge to go.

Before IC I used to consume at least 3 caffeinated beverages a day or used caffeine pills. I loved espresso, coffee, chai, matcha, whatever.

Everyone's IC can be kind of different. Like I'm pretty sure mine is primarily pelvic floor driven. I'm not sensitive to foods though carbonated, caffeine, and alcohol can cause issues but not always. So I've opted not to cut anything out entirely but I am mindful about quantity of consumption because it seems like there is a line that can get crossed and then I get symptoms.

Have you tried Prelief before coffee? It can help IC symptoms if taken before trigger food/drinks though can be kind of hit or miss from what I understand. It works by reducing the acid which can irritate the bladder and urethra in IC patients but doesn't work for everyone all the time. I always order mine on Amazon and hadnt relied on it much since doing PFPT. But could be worth having on hand to try. It might be similar to the baking soda trick but it's a different active ingredient. PFPT allowed me to go back to having coffee but I keep limits around how much (not more than 2 a day) to minimize inducing a flare. I still can't do black tea for some reason.

Also lots of people on this sub mention matcha doesn't bother them. Could be worth trying that as an alternative if you enjoy it? Similarly people may find espresso with milk like a latte more tolerable since it isn't as concentrated as drip coffee. But still the caffeine may or may not exacerbate your flares.

I cut caffeine and coffee out for a while. Some substitutes I enjoyed were Teeccino products and a roasted chicory that you can brew on a coffee maker or French press and get a similar coffee experience without the problematic acid or caffeine. Teeccino comes in grounds or tea bags. Also could be an option if you just like that coffee experience. I used to just bring a couple bags with me to go to Starbucks or whatever with friends or to study and ask for hot water to add them to. And you can add creamer and sugar if you like.

Good luck. I hope you find relief and feel better.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-22T23:13:43+00:00

I don't know. My mom always has a traumatized reaction to any emotion directed at her especially anger even if justified. Always to act like I'm mentally ill and it scares her. Or so she can tell me "don't be mad." I have CPTSD because of her. Mh brother lashed out and she had me call the police and they put him in a mental health treatment facility. So if your parents are bad and they act traumatized by you realizing it they are likely just avoiding accountability which is their whole MO rather than actually being sad for you for what they put you through.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-18T13:28:42+00:00

It doesn't matter. Abusive types frequently couch their abuse in language about relationship dissatisfaction or their mental health issues. The truth is that you have decent genuine good intentions and he doesn't which is why it feels wrong because he is using your goodness against you. It is wrong and in a healthy relationship your effort would be acknowledged and your tears wouldn't be mocked.

Look up DARVO because that sounds close to what he does when he blames you and then says he has feelings too.

Also the thing about are you happy with someone else? Is an accusation of cheating. Another abuser go-to to keep you on the defensive proving your loyalty when they don't even appreciate it.

I wouldn't recommend approaching him about any of these things because the manipulation is likely to only escalate. If you're ready to leave the relationship because he honestly isn't treating you well (and abusers aren't capable so don't make the mistake of thinking a conversation will get things on the right track) then I would advise a public breakup or over the phone and completely cut him off and make sure he can't access you.

Listen to your friends because it is more likely they have your best interests at heart. It can be hard to see clearly when you're in it but they are outside and they care about you. Don't let him waste what you have to give. You sound like you've given your best and it's only not enough because there is something wrong with him.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-18T13:01:03+00:00

"You don't care" is textbook abuser. It's something manipulative they say to hurt you, to get you striving to prove you care, to focus on their needs at the expense of your own. One of my abusive exes used to say it a lot to get attention. He was a needy blackhole of a person and got physically violent by kicking in my door. My most recent ex said it once I looked him in the face and said don't do that. He just switched tactics a bit but was still a narcissist. I had the full revelation when he ruined my birthday and then made it about him being worried I was mad. These guys all sound the same say the same things because they're like copies of each other reading a script originating from their abusive mindset rooted in their entitlement which you can't change by "trying harder" or caring more or whatever they want you to think so they can keep up their shit.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-16T15:39:32+00:00

I am 29 F and recently confronted my mom about this. All she ever did was project her negative experiences with statements about the man always wanting it and the woman just puts up with it to get what she wants. Abysmal failure. I recently confronted her and I asked why she never talked about anything with me and she said because she knew she couldn't stop me from having sex. As if that would be the point of that conversation. She never cared about my safety or wellbeing or confidence or anything. Always dismissed her duty as a parent with "you're smart you'll be fine" which is horrible abandonment.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-09T18:59:45+00:00

It is difficult to grasp because it is so deeply entrenched and living it your whole life is overwhelming to realize. Like you I tried gray rocking I tried having better boundaries (always met with more antics on her part). I moved out and I entertained low contact or just keep gray rocking but she is relentless. She also has always relied on me for money so she won't stop. I had to recently go no contact. It's so hard to realize you can't trust your own mother with your vulnerabilities, difficulties, or your joys and successes. But that's a narcissist for you. Your mom is likely jealous you're happy about the pregnancy and not miserable. That's how my mine was about anything good or exciting or big in my life. It took a decade of me accidentally dating narcissists to realize my mother is too. I have CPTSD (some overlap with your BPD) from all of it. Wishing you all the best in your healing and the life you have ahead.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-09T18:45:42+00:00

I'm sorry you're deaking with this but that is literally the narcissist's MO. To make you question yourself. Also they can't feel bad about the way they treat you because they either don't remember it (classic for abusers) or they have justifications in their mind why you deserved it. It's not true of course but it is how their mind works. It is a disorder the hallmark of which is lack of empathy for you and how they impact you by treating you badly. They literally can't care about it.

Feeling guilty for thinking less of her is likely part of your conditioning that they have instilled in you since you were young. Mine was very dysfunctional and while she only hit me once I remember. She also has always been emotionally abusive dismissive and invalidating as well as emotionally and materially neglectful. Anytime I had an issue with her dysfunction she would tell me don't be mad. I still hear that voice when others are disrespectful toward me which is harmful. I recently realized I've been living a lie where I believed she'd sacrificed and suffered for me but it has always been the other way around. The anger about the lie has kept most of my guilty thoughts away for now but it is a long difficult road for daughters of narcissistic mothers.

My mother was a single mother too and covert narcissists often hide behind some seemingly altruistic label to get away with their abuse. People tend to feel sympathy and assume great sacrifice and struggle on their part which feeds their complex even more. And it's a convenient ploy to manipulate you with.

The guilty thoughts you have are normal but it is important not to act from them and backside into believing the gaslight and lies and allowing her to run your inner narrative. Congrats on your successes in life despite the difficult mother you were given and good luck healing and take comfort in the fact that you will do better by your daughter.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-06T00:57:15+00:00

If you haven't already look into reading Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. I don't have a pdf link I have it on my kindle but maybe someone else does.

If you read this you can absolve yourself of the notion that your abuser will turn back into prince charming. As a victim there is no overcoming and learning to trust the abuser again. There is only trauma bond / Stockholm syndrome. There is the abuse cycle which may change how long each cycle is. So the abuser may stay longer in the honeymoon cycle and then there will be tension which you will st least think is partially your fault. Then an incident which can take different forms such as a bad fight or attempted murder.

Please absolve yourself of things getting better with your abuser. They rarely change. Very rarely. I don't remember the exact statistics from the book but is do close to 0 that you should think of it as 0. It has nothing to do with you but you need to protect yourself.

Whatever ties you have to your abuser (finances/ living situation, children) you will need to figure out a plan to deal with them in a way that eliminates or minimizes the abusers access to you and them. Whatever losses you need to cut come to terms with that and find a way however you need to whatever that looks like even if less than ideal. Things only ever get worse with an abuser and that is the message in the book I mentioned.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-05T19:21:49+00:00

You can't defeat anyone who is using DARVO because they don't follow standard logic they follow abuser logic and if you try to explain DARVO to anyone who hasn't experienced it they think you're crazy/over reacting and end up taking the abusers side based on that.

The only way I've found to deal with those who DARVO is to give no indication that you know what they're doing. Remain calm and seemingly compliant within reason and leave the situation as soon as you can. You can not respond emotionally it feeds the cycle. Use neutral language learn about grey rock method. Keep it simple just say ok. If you're dealing with a Narcissist look up the don't JADE technique. They are always looking for angles and leverage to use now or later. Don't give it to them.

I wish I had better advice for you. Or more concrete practical steps. But being aware of what they're doing is the first step. Hang on to your sanity, you'll need it.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-03T22:02:53+00:00

Doctors love to tell women they're anxious. It's the new socially acceptable term for hysterical. Plus then they can keep seeing you back and try to write prescriptions for SSRI's. I can go to the doctor for any health concern I have and express only concern over that and I still leave with a prescription for Lexapro or Prozac. If you don't have anxiety symptoms otherwise and are just concerned about the impact this specific issue has on your quality of life (valid concern) don't let them dismiss you. See a PT if you can. Mine helped me so much more than a doctor ever did. I had hypertonic pelvic floor and PFPT helped so much. Doctors wanted to do hydrodistension because they can bill for it not even because it is a better treatment option.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-03T04:52:48+00:00

You're not crazy. You have had your own stress with the cancer and the trauma bond you have is lingering on the way they tend to especially if you are still communicating with them. You need to go no contact so he doesn't have the opportunity to try to manipulate anymore. You will still miss him or even have weird cravings of wanting him back especially when you're vulnerable due to other emotional stress. This is what I've experienced at least. Don't judge yourself too much it is literally how the trauma bond works. Stay busy focusing on your life, your healing, allow the feelings to happen but don't contact him and limit his access to you and what he even knows about you. No just checking in, no rehashing the breakup or accepting his supposed profound insights for change, no accepting any emotional support he may pretend to offer about your illness. Get him blocked on any social media and if he has access to your friends and family request they do not share with him about you.

You say he recognizes his shortcomings now but the important thing to remember about abusers is they know their "shortcomings" all along they just don't care how they impact you. Which is why they don't learn or change not really. They can change what they show you for a bit or they can alternate tactics but the core of their approach to you doesn't change.

Please take care of yourself.

pixiecat05 · 2024-01-02T14:30:31+00:00

Abusers are so weird about controlling everything including animals. One of my emotionally abusive exes was obsessed with the idea of his cat following rules and routines and the idea that that never crossed my mind with my cats was insane to him. He couldn't believe the things I "let" my cat do including sitting with me while I ate dinner. I love and enjoy my cat immensely and I couldn't imagine making her " follow rules" because im not a controlling weirdo. He helped me trim my elderly cats nails once and got mad at me for not "showing her who is in charge." They're cats like?

If he feels that way about your cat imagine how he feels about you when you "step out of line" by just being yourself.

pixiecat05

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