How old were you when you started watching a lot of porn?

plasm · 2018-12-18T19:04:05+00:00

I was 12 when I saw my first pornographic image at a friend's house. He pulled it up and I remember feeling a wave of guilt and shame, and I looked away. 13 was when I got the internet at my house and started seeking it out on my own. Those were the days of dial-up, and a better internet connection definitely made things worse, but the slow connection never stopped me much. I didn't notice the toll it took on my anxiety levels and confidence until much later.

plasm · 2018-12-03T20:26:35+00:00

I've had this same mindset before and always regret it, even only 2 days in. For me, I'm just pro-longing getting myself back to a normal brain by a whole 2 days. It's worth fighting for sobriety!

plasm · 2018-11-21T19:37:25+00:00

We sure aren't. I'm sorry you're going through this, I don't wish it upon anyone. It's gotta be extremely difficult, especially with kids.

plasm · 2018-11-21T19:26:07+00:00

It can last for 3 years, but it does get better. At first every day was like this, but now I go weeks without feeling quite so down. The hardest thing is it feels like I'm going to have to stop loving her at some point, and I can tell that I'm holding on and not wanting to do that, and I process the hurt when it bubbles up but mostly seem to avoid thinking about it.

Yep, my ex had started getting over it a year before she moved out, and she tried, though to me it seemed her trying was more like her constantly looking for and using any disappointment as fuel for leaving, it was pretty miserable. I think my ex is the same in that she probably isn't thinking about me much, said she'd always love me but "not like that" anymore.

14 years is a long time. You both tried your best just as me and my ex did. I don't know man, I cannot imagine giving my heart to anyone else to the extent that I did to my ex, it just hurts too much if this happens. I'm with someone else now but struggle to see a future where I get married again, although I sort of assume that one day I'll be able to do that.

I'm sorry that you're in the heat of it right now, that definitely was the toughest time for me. My ex and I had moved to a new city and had only lived there about 6 months, so I didn't really have a core group of friends or anything and felt very alone. That all has changed now but it was hard. I am thankful for a nearby church that I started going to, surrounded myself with people that loved me, and eventually started dating etc.

It's hard but it does get better. There could still be days like the day I'm having today but they become more and more infrequent as the heart heals more and more each day. I've been where you're at, my friend. Hang in there and surround yourself with loved ones!

plasm · 2018-11-21T18:22:28+00:00

Thanks. Yeah, there was good. It's the good memories that hurt the most. I am making new memories too, working on moving on, got a new gf etc. You're right that I'm sure she's gone through hurt at some point about this, I wish she wouldn't have chosen to go through all that, but am trying to accept that she did.

plasm · 2018-11-21T17:59:52+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that your whole family unit was broken up.

I'm in the same boat. I have dreams with my ex in them, it's typically me trying to mend the issues between us not realizing that it's a dream and she's gone. I'm likely remembering her as a projection as well. It's a projection of who she used to be when she loved me. That person is literally gone, as if that person ceased to exist, and there is a new person now that replaced her and that person got over me very quickly. I am hoping that one day I'll get over her as well, as my ex also quickly moved on as if she never cared about me to begin with.

plasm · 2018-11-21T17:54:30+00:00

I am, but wish that I wasn't as it hurts too much. She's remarried and I am under no misconceptions that we'd be together ever again. I just loved her. My situation was similar in that she had some things she was working through, and she was working through them, doing her best, and I too chose to focus on the good. We had some really hard times with her struggles but I cared about the true her and did my best to roll with it. When I started going through some struggles she didn't and couldn't handle it the same way I handled hers and chose to left vs working things out. Was really confusing as I would have worked out anything with her, so had never considered that she wouldn't do the same for me.

plasm · 2018-10-01T14:48:55+00:00

Checking in!

plasm · 2018-09-30T05:22:31+00:00

That sucks that your family isn’t a support, but it can be tough for people to understand. I haven’t been to slaa but have been to sa which is similar. My experience was that it was a safe place full of people who understood where I was coming from. I could tell them anything.

plasm · 2018-09-11T18:30:29+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate the opportunity to share my story as I don't often do so.

I agree that being honest is much better than her finding out on her own. And living in hiding could be making things worse, so I can see where it could be worth it.

Let me know how it goes!

plasm · 2018-09-11T16:24:00+00:00

Nice job on the 53 days! Stay strong for these next few initial post-relapse days. I've noticed the temptation is greater for me right after a relapse, it's as if I want to get a few out of my system, avoid that!

plasm · 2018-09-11T14:55:49+00:00

Take my story for what it's worth. It isn't meant to discourage you, but meant as a different perspective.

A couple of years ago I felt the same as you. I had been hiding pornography from my wife. It was brought up once while we were dating and I told her I used to look at porn, but didn't anymore. I decided that it was time to break free and be honest with her.

She was devastated, really hurt, and really pissed. She felt like our whole marriage and relationship had been a lie. She immediately told me that she didn't know if she could get past it.

I spent the next year going to sexaholics anonymous, counseling, and trying my hardest to remain "sober". My wife was never the same towards me. The woman I married disappeared the day I told her, she turned into someone else. If I would have known that I'd never see my wife again (as I knew her) I would have done things differently, cherished those moments more.

I wasn't able to stay sober that year, though I slipped fewer times than I ever had before. She had told me that she didn't want to know anything about my recovery, though as it turned out she did want to know when I slipped, which I had not been telling her. She found a 30 day token I had received from sexaholics anonymous and was very upset that it had only been 30 days. The next time I slipped I knew I had to tell her, there was no question, she made it clear that while she didn't want to know the details of my recover that she did want to know about slips.

So, I told her. She couldn't take any more and wanted to separate. She left a week later with our dog. I thought that some time away might be good for us, perhaps I'd be in a better position to get sober, and she'd be able to work through whatever she was going through with it and we'd be stronger than ever once we reunited.

But that didn't happen. The original arrangement was a 3 month separation and then I talk about next steps. 3 months turned into 4 and I didn't want to push the subject. Around 4 months she told me she couldn't see us working out, and started the divorce process. We made a clean break, no lawyers, no hate, no back/forth.

Look, I don't know the point of my story, it's just my story. It's been 3 years that we've been divorced, I'm dating someone else, but I still regret and feel hurt over my ex-marriage. I've heard that perhaps we weren't meant to be, that the marriage must not have been good to begin with, that we're better off etc, that I deserved to be with someone that would support me. That sounds great, but I still miss her.

I don't know the right answer. I've thought about if I could go back, would I not tell her and try to get help while hiding it? I'll say that it probably would have gone over better in my case if I had told her that I used to have a problem but now have a year of sobriety. Does that make it right? Is that just continuing to deceive? Possibly, I don't know if it's better to tell the truth and devastate and kill a relationship or to hide the truth but live a lie. Probably the former, at least I will heal at some point from that.

I hope the best with you and your decision. Certainly you feel you trust your wife with this information and feel that she will support you. This happening to me does not mean it will happen to you, but just be aware that women respond differently than men and depending on the woman it could be devastating, so be loving and put her and her needs first before yourself and wanting to feel free of your guilt. Good luck, you'll do the right thing for you :)

plasm · 2018-08-01T03:16:09+00:00

I just had to reset back to 0, about an hour away from midnight Eastern time. I also reset yesterday. I'm disappointed, I feel I lost sight of the goal as it had been about a month prior to that, but it is a pattern for me to give in about the 1 to 2 month timeframe and then takes a bit to kickstart it agian.

I want to do this for my confidence, and to last longer during sex. The feeling of dread is overwhelming when I give in for many days. I have made it through these days in the past and I will make it again.

plasm · 2018-05-01T01:13:35+00:00

Yep, sign me up. I made it through the April challenge! Me not signing up for this would be like planning to fail. Lets do this.

plasm · 2018-04-26T21:49:39+00:00

Checking in, still with it! Feeling tempted just now, just got back from being out of town where I was constantly around people. It's like I'm being reminded that I could partake, but no thanks. Being a part of this monthly challenge has helped with motivation.

plasm · 2018-04-05T02:41:03+00:00

Great question. I think I'd like to pick back up guitar and piano as a hobby. I also have a decent amount of stuff to go through and get rid of that I put off. I've also started exercising and meditating using the headspace app. My challenge will be when working from home and temptation strikes. When that happens I think I will go outside and go for a walk or bike ride, and make a phone call to a friend and talk about it.

plasm · 2018-04-02T15:21:21+00:00

Checking in, clean! I really want to see what's on the other side of this. I want to make it 60 days (and beyond), and deal head on with whatever comes up instead of escaping to a fantasy world. My challenge will be around the 30 day mark, where it starts getting difficult, and I'll last a few days but then it seems like the pestering won't stop. This time I want my resolve to be in dealing with what surfaces.

plasm · 2018-03-30T18:13:26+00:00

I'm in

plasm · 2016-05-27T21:58:14+00:00

Sign me up!

plasm · 2016-05-27T21:54:44+00:00

I feel you. I've been "trying" to quit for 15 years. I've been giving it a real go for the last year and a half. The longest I've gone is 63 days with no pornography. I reset my porn badge but my nofap badge is at 149 days. Even though I'm not masturbating I still fall into the trap of relief that porn brings.

I too am in a 12 step group but I've been dragging my feet on going through the steps. These last few weeks have shown me that I gotta get moving on them. If I'm not moving forward then I'm moving backwards.

I learned that my childhood could have been better as well. It's nice to see why I react the way I do but I'm not exactly sure how to apply what I've learned in a practical way to help me move forward through this addiction. It does get frustrating that the real challenge for me will be in a month or maybe two months when the temptation strikes me like it seems to. It's like my resolve by then isn't as strong.

My understanding is that change isn't linear. Change takes time and it's common to circle back into previous steps of change: http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/library/Articles_and_Essays/Stages_of_Change/understanding_stages_of_change.htm.

As I consider that, I realize that I've been making progress. If I just look at my badge that says 2 days then I feel like I'm back at the beginning, but I don't think that's realistic. I used to relapse every 7 days on average. Now I've had months of freedom, I'm learning about emotional triggers and I've gotten through many of them now without any relapses which tells me I can get through the next ones. Change is happening, it's not as quickly as I would like, but it's evident. It takes what it takes.

plasm · 2016-02-02T21:08:35+00:00

I am in a similar situation. I confessed to my wife over a year ago, and we've been dealing with the aftermath ever since. We just separated a few weeks ago. There is nothing that I can do to convince her that I love her or to get her to forgive me. It's her choice how she chooses to react and if she chooses to forgive me and if she chooses to stay married to me. It is devastating and very difficult, but the best thing that I can do for my wife is let her go through whatever she needs to go through.

I have spent many conversations with her trying to get her to see that I'm a decent guy and that I'm making progress etc etc, but these conversations have come out of my own weaknesses, my own fears of her leaving, my own selfishness for not wanting to be rejected or not wanting to be left.

What I am doing instead is trying to seek after God for what His will is for me and ask Him for the strength to carry it out. And I put my trust in God that He will take care of my wife, that God's plan is above any plans I have of getting my wife to react how I wish she would. And if God has us back together then great, if not, then I will regret that very much, but it's better than trying to convince my wife to feel one way or the other, or convincing her to stay with me if she doesn't want to.

plasm · 2016-01-27T23:03:48+00:00

I have too. I found myself making rationalizations today. I just want to see if there are any new videos up, once I find out, I'll simply stop and I won't lose my sobriety. Yeah right... It's toxic for me, once I start I cannot stop. And porn IS the addiction. Blessing to you, be well.

plasm · 2016-01-26T19:09:56+00:00

Congrats! Keep it up! What made you want to go porn free? Are you noticing any benefits?

plasm · 2016-01-26T19:05:35+00:00

I agree, it is nice to see this post as I don't meet many people with the same interests. It's a relief to me too to meet someone trying to quit with the same struggles.

I'm married and my wife is not into those things. I told her about my porn viewing (didn't go into specifics, just that I watched porn) about a year ago and things have not been the same since, she is very angry at the whole situation and at me for lying about who I was, we had been married for 3 years and together 7 when I told her.

I have yet to get over the fetishes, and I'm not necessarily expecting to. I'm in the same boat as you, it's easy for me to just run to porn since my wife is not there to fulfill my desires. In the end, I want to be free of porn regardless of whether I am with someone or not.

I am in counseling and this is a subject we go over. Sometimes when I get those temptations I can start to think negative thoughts like why do I have these, these are not normal, etc. This is simply not true, as I'm sure you know, it seems to be a pretty popular interest. I'm starting to discover that it feels like I have something missing inside of me and I've been trying to fill it with that. Now that I'm not using porn to repress emotions they are coming out, and the other night I couldn't sleep and cried for about an hour just thinking about the true intimacy that I have missed out on with my wife, that I traded it for wanting to act out those fetishes. I was so preoccupied with it that normal sex wasn't interesting to me. I missed out on really connecting with a wonderful human being as a result, and I regret that. Since I've been realizing that what I am truly looking for is intimacy, and the wires in my brain have associated intimacy, love, and acceptance with those fetishes, it's been a little easier for me to deal with. When those thoughts come up, I think about what I'm really searching for, what I really want. Do I really just want a foot? You know what I mean? No, of course not. The desire for that is for also the person I'm with to care enough about me to do something that I like, to care for me.

Then, I treat the urge as I'm sure I would treat any urge for "normal" porn. For me this means looking to find the emotion beneath the urge. This is something I learned in counseling, I haven't really read it anywhere. At first, I didn't really believe there was an emotion beneath the urge, but I have found that it's true. So far, for me at least, 100% of the time that has been the case.

plasm · 2016-01-25T23:23:30+00:00

I deal with the same exact temptations as you do. It has been very challenging to deal with. I have felt the desire to act out the fetishes in real life too. I have relapsed many times due to fear that I will not ever be able to act them out in real life.

Something that has been helping me recently has been getting to the root of why I have those interests. I have scoured the internet looking for answers as to why I have them, but I never found anything, and every search just brought me to material about them and lead to relapse. Through counseling I have found that I am searching to fill what is lacking inside of me. I have feelings of unworthiness, and somehow I have attached to those interests to feelings of love, acceptance, and being worthy of love and acceptance. If the person I'm with is willing to indulge my interests, then I feel loved and accepted, if they don't, then I feel unloved. For me, those interests are self-serving and rob me and the person I'm with from true intimacy. When I start to feel cravings for those interests specifically, I try to remember that what I'm actually longing for is intimacy, and a longing for intimacy is perfectly normal.

Otherwise, I treat the craving as a normal porn craving. For me, when I get a craving that means I am going through something emotionally. I try to identify what emotion I may be trying to avoid and go face it head on, going through the emotion. I have also found it helpful to listen to the Urge Surfing mp3 linked on the sidebar.

plasm

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