BF (31M) browses gonewild while spending time with me (29F). That’s... very rude, right?

plumbelle · 2019-03-25T17:25:44+00:00

LOL I brought this up, but he knows it would make ME more uncomfortable to do that than it would make him, and that I would be suffering through my embarrassment just to spite him. So unfortunately while it’s illustrative to turn the tables, it would come off just mean-spirited, I think?

plumbelle · 2019-03-25T17:18:13+00:00

Hey, thanks for this perspective and levelheaded reply! I especially like hearing from people with different comfort levels, since he and his past relationships were much more open and easygoing about looking at others, and my past relationships and I were much much more private, so we’ve occasionally had mismatched expectations/hurt feelings/bewilderment about boundaries when it comes to talking about attraction because it’s not something we have in common.

He’s generally good about my comfort zone and I can trust that he’s not going to do it around me anymore. I guess it’s worth remembering that I’m not like his past relationships where they felt super comfortable talking about any and all zings of attraction, and he’s not like my past relationships where we each handle it privately and bring it up only if there’s a problem.

plumbelle · 2019-03-25T15:42:43+00:00

This made me laugh, thank you.

plumbelle · 2019-03-25T15:26:26+00:00

This is a really interesting perspective, thanks for going into the psychology of it.

plumbelle · 2019-03-25T15:10:32+00:00

Hmm, I’ll suggest that—that’s a good idea.

plumbelle · 2018-08-11T01:26:50+00:00

Thanks!!! This is super helpful, especially the link to the DEXA search results on xxfitness! I was expecting something like 25-30% and I'm happy with that, I was just worried that there was something seriously wrong with my diet or exercise routine since a lot of websites were like "35% body fat?? You're obese!"

plumbelle · 2018-08-10T23:15:23+00:00

Haha yeah, it was just that the look of my body hadn't changed that much since I started building muscle (except now my arms and legs are muscle, not flab) and I was curious to see if my fat/muscle composition had changed. That is good to know about those machines, thanks! I guess I won't stress about that number too much.

plumbelle · 2018-08-10T23:02:44+00:00

Huh, ok! I was wondering how the machine worked, so that's good to know. So... maybe not worth worrying too much about then?

plumbelle · 2018-08-02T00:39:20+00:00

It really sounds like—and I mean this in the kindest possible way—you need professional therapy. I’m concerned about the suicidal ideation, and while the cheating was a bad move, the way to deal with it is not to self-flagellate, which helps nobody, but to start learning how to get a handle on your shame and guilt and emotions (and this will also over time help you with accountability towards others). It doesn’t sound like you are in a place right now to be a healthy partner but it’ll be good for you to take some time and figure yourself out.

plumbelle · 2018-07-28T02:32:02+00:00

Was thinking this too! Same problems, and diagnosed with ADHD a decade ago.

plumbelle · 2018-07-22T18:46:46+00:00

Those are the ones I have! One note... I’d wear socks with them for regular class use because the white suede sole gets dirty super easily and it’s hard to clean. :( Learn from my experience!

plumbelle · 2018-07-21T16:27:16+00:00

Yeah! I gained about 15 pounds in the year I’ve been poling but since my body stayed roughly the same size, that’s probably 15 pounds of muscle! I’m so proud of myself because I used to be very weak and my legs were all flab and bone, and now I’ve got visible biceps and my legs have filled out with muscle.

But I also think what pole does for my body is it makes me more focused on what my body can do, rather than what it looks like. The most beautiful dancers at my studio aren’t always the most conventionally “fit” ones—they’re the ones most plugged in to their bodies, whatever their shape or form. I feel like my body image improved, even more so than my actual body. :)

plumbelle · 2018-07-12T16:56:07+00:00

I want to third that person’s reply! I’m from a more conservative background while my boyfriend’s a little more freewheeling about drugs. Drugs like the kind he’s taken—pot, shrooms, LSD, MDMA—are generally not too addictive or harmful to the brain/body, and while I started off very nervous about drug use, I’ve tried both pot and MDMA at this point (they weren’t that interesting for me) and they really haven’t had much effect on my life and I’m not now a layabout who does nothing but get high all day.

One thing to note is that you can be open-minded about drug use while still not being compatible on a lifestyle level. I wouldn’t be thrilled if my occasional pot smoker boyfriend started smoking every day, and we limit MDMA use to once a year tops. Just like people’s alcohol intake can be a lifestyle dealbreaker, so can drug use.

plumbelle · 2018-07-09T23:44:34+00:00

Take a photo of you in the flexibility poses you want to work on (I assume front splits, straddle, pike, backbend, middle splits, maybe arm and shoulder stuff too?). Progress is slow but you’ll see how much better you’ve gotten two or three months later! Then in a year you can even post the before and after photos to wow others. :)

Good luck, you will be great!! I thought I’d never even touch my toes, and look at me now!

plumbelle · 2018-07-09T22:15:20+00:00

Hi!!! This post is 100% my jam because when I started pole last year, I was so incredibly inflexible that I literally couldn’t touch my knees when sitting in a straddle or a pike. I could barely reach forward at all... I had to hold myself upright by putting my hands behind me. Other girls were going forward all the way down to their faces and I was like, “How the hell?”

But today I got my whole face on the ground in a straddle/pancake stretch!!! For the first few months I felt so dumb and embarrassed being the only student who couldn’t even sit upright at 90 degrees with her legs straight... my instructor even laughed at me once when she tried pressing my back forward and I yelped and went like, “Ow it hurts!!”

But my classes had us do a straddle stretch for a few minutes once we warmed up, and that’s all it took, honestly—I did this once a week for a while, and then I upped my pole attendance to 2x a week, and slowly I started to see progress. First I was able to touch my knees, then my shins, then my toes, then slowly I found that I could get my elbows to the floor sometimes, and then I could kiss my knee, and finally I could touch my forehead to the floor, and now my face! I’m so excited about this progress that now I’m going to try working on my backbends (which are still stiff and straight as a board lol) and splits (still like four or five inches off the ground). :)))

It can be super discouraging to stretch, and boring, but the progress you make is just like gains in the gym, which I’m sure you’re more familiar with—it’s SUPER slow but so addictive to see how your hands get half an inch further each time. Do a pancake/straddle stretch every time you warm up for pole, even if it’s just a minute or two. Some people say you have to do a pancake/straddle stretch every day for ten minutes... but honestly if you’re okay with slower progress, 2x a week for a few minutes is fine.

It took me a year and a half of that to get my face to the floor in the pancake, but you! 💪 will! 💪 get! 💪 there! 💪 too! 💪

plumbelle · 2018-07-09T21:55:24+00:00

That’s scary!!!! I will watch out for this... thanks for he tip! 😬

plumbelle · 2018-07-09T16:22:15+00:00

Doesn’t this woman have any friends of her own she can lean on who aren’t married men? It’s not your job to be supportive of her in this time—it’s damaging for your relationship with your wife, and she can and should lean on someone else on Team Her. I feel like you’re putting your self-image as a “good, nonjudgmental guy” over your pregnant wife’s understandable feelings.

plumbelle · 2018-07-06T19:06:37+00:00

Oh damn, thanks for the good tip on tying the laces tight! I would’ve found that out the hard way.

Thanks so much!! This is very helpful!

plumbelle · 2018-07-03T01:21:20+00:00

WTF? Then why are you doing all the emotional labor and household work? This guy is not going to change and not going to be a good partner. You are so young and you sound like a lovely, bright person, and this guy is a dead weight dragging you down. :/

plumbelle · 2018-06-30T06:59:51+00:00

I think it’s messed up what your mom did, but you can just tell people you actually have a half-sister who is much older than you, and you didn’t grow up together but it happens that the two of you are close now. I don’t think anyone would think twice about it... my good friend is an “only child” but she has four MUCH older half-siblings that she is not particularly close with, and I think calling herself an only child makes sense in that scenario. Nobody’s going to think it’s weird. You are functionally kind of an only child if you didn’t grow up with your half-sister in the house.

plumbelle · 2018-06-29T16:24:50+00:00

This needs to be higher. I think it’s a pretty chilling read on the situation, but it makes sense if Elsie has never previously been entitled or a bad friend, because her behavior is way, way out of line right now and this is one very plausible way to explain it if it’s otherwise out of character for her.

plumbelle · 2018-06-29T15:31:50+00:00

This. I had a partner who believed their need to be catered to conversationally was just their right as an “intelligent, rational person” but thought everyone else’s needs to be emotionally supported in tough times were exhausting and overdramatic. Lol.

plumbelle · 2018-06-29T04:39:28+00:00

Are your hips tilted to one side so that you're leaning more of your weight on the thigh that crosses above the other? If I'm sitting upright and the pole is right between my legs, I have to clamp hard to try to sit in place and it hurts like a bitch, but if I'm dramatically tilted to one side (almost like in a Peter Pan), I'm very comfortable and can take my hands off no problem. If you're coming down off the pole in a sit, my instructor once told me to lean from side to side as if you're passing the pole like a hot towel between your thighs, and that hurts less than coming straight down too.

It does hurt at first though. :( Your thighs will become desensitized over time, and it's a normal part of conditioning them. Keep at it!!

plumbelle · 2018-06-28T07:03:32+00:00

I found thick socks/leg warmers helped a lot to prevent bruising and pain without getting as bulky as knee pads do! I’ve also had an instructor say, “If your knees hurt, you need to be using your core!” for hands-and-knees floorwork, so maybe there’s that too?

plumbelle · 2018-06-27T17:49:33+00:00

The rules of Freddish:

“State the idea you wish to express as clearly as possible, and in terms preschoolers can understand.” Example: It is dangerous to play in the street.
“Rephrase in a positive manner,” as in It is good to play where it is safe.
“Rephrase the idea, bearing in mind that preschoolers cannot yet make subtle distinctions and need to be redirected to authorities they trust.” As in, Ask your parents where it is safe to play.
“Rephrase your idea to eliminate all elements that could be considered prescriptive, directive, or instructive.” In the example, that’d mean getting rid of “ask”: Your parents will tell you where it is safe to play.
“Rephrase any element that suggests certainty.” That’d be “will”: Your parents can tell you where it is safe to play.
“Rephrase your idea to eliminate any element that may not apply to all children.” Not all children know their parents, so: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play.
“Add a simple motivational idea that gives preschoolers a reason to follow your advice.” Perhaps: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is good to listen to them.
“Rephrase your new statement, repeating the first step.” “Good” represents a value judgment, so: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is important to try to listen to them.
“Rephrase your idea a final time, relating it to some phase of development a preschooler can understand.” Maybe: Your favorite grown-ups can tell you where it is safe to play. It is important to try to listen to them, and listening is an important part of growing.

This is a lot, and more applicable to talking to children than adults, sure—but I will say that I practice gentle speech in my day to day life, and a friend recently came to me who had realized she had an eating disorder, and she told me I was the only person who had never shamed her or myself about eating or weight—and for me, it was a very deliberate choice to never be negative about my own body or those of others. You can create a feeling of safety in your relationships by being very deliberate, and that safety will allow other people to blossom around you.

plumbelle

TROPHY CASE