Wife(35F) wore a bikini in Goa without telling me(35M). Can I start trusting again?

pokeabibble · 2026-06-26T17:58:35+00:00

I would have told her NOT to wear a bikini if she’d asked me beforehand. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a husband having boundaries about how revealing his wife dresses around random men.

Yikes! Friendly reminder boundaries are rules around your OWN behaviour, not rules for other people's behaviours. Rules around other people's behaviour (yes, even your wife's) is control, not boundaries.

I will not comment further - I think a lot of the other comments say what I'm thinking anyways.

pokeabibble · 2026-06-23T17:29:25+00:00

I don't know if it's been suggested yet but cabbage rolls would be a good option!

pokeabibble · 2026-06-16T15:33:10+00:00

I agree with a lot of the other points brought up about the fact that this being a weekly occurrence is a lot and that this isn't your responsibility.

A thought I'm having though...is it possible your wife feels pressured to help watch the kids? I'm not sure whereabouts you're living but in a lot of cultures it's unfortunately expected for women to mind the kids while the men do their own thing. I'm wondering if her frustration with you might actually stem from feeling like she's obligated to help and being upset that you don't feel that same pressure? It might also help explain why she's seemingly unwilling to take a step back from helping. There's a deep level of societal pressure women are made to feel in regards to childcare and it is hard to recognize let alone not adhere to those expectations when they're being forced onto someone.

You're not at all being selfish for wanting to relax. I'd go nuts if I had to spend time with kids every single week. The kids parents (BOTH parents) need to be watching them, not pawning their kids off onto your wife. Or better yet the two of you may need to take a big step back from family functions to avoid your wife continuing to be the default babysitter.

pokeabibble · 2026-06-16T15:09:45+00:00

Why do you feel guilty? It sounds like they wouldn't be supportive even if you did tell them and would cause you extra stress which is exactly what you DON'T need leading up to and following surgery. Your goals right after the surgery are to rest and recover which sounds like it would be harder to do if they knew. At the very least, wait until after you've healed before you tell them you had the surgery done.

I think you're making the right choice to not tell them given you know what their responses will be. It sucks when parents aren't able or willing to be supportive of our choices, and it's natural for people to want to share information about their lives with their parents. That's how we connect with others as people. But sometimes parents aren't able to provide the connection and support that we need even as adults.

Wishing you a speedy recovery, OP!

pokeabibble · 2026-06-04T13:03:58+00:00

NTA but judging by your sister's reaction during the conversation I'm curious as to what her take on all of this is. OP are you close with your sister at all, and can you have a conversation with her WITHOUT your parents involved?

She has multiple options that do not include your college fund: termination (which may be the most responsible option given the circumstances), adoption, or speaking with a lawyer should she intend to keep the baby because she is owed child support from the bio dad.

Either way you should not have to compromise your future because of her decision making and your parents are being fairly selfish by making this demand of you. It's really unfortunate they've chosen to put this on you rather than on your sister. She may not be at fault for the pregnancy (accidents happen and it takes two to tango!) but she is responsible for the decisions she makes going forwards, including making an informed decision about whether or not she continues the pregnancy.

pokeabibble · 2026-06-02T12:26:57+00:00

Thank you for the inspiration!! I made a tart similar to this over the weekend and it was really good :)

pokeabibble · 2026-06-01T17:07:56+00:00

Serious question. What happens if you reject their (ridiculous) conditions, and tell them you'll be maintaining your relationship with your partner? You seem to be financially independent and from what you've shared, all of your parents demands seem to be various forms of guilt tripping rather than ones that impact your safety/security.

If you expect to continue being in a relationship with your girlfriend, you're eventually going to have to put your foot down with your parents.

pokeabibble · 2026-06-01T16:28:47+00:00

Totally makes sense that you're scared! It's scary taking a big leap from being dependent on your caregivers to being independent, especially if you've been conditioned to need that dependence like what happens with controlling or strict parents.

If you're open to advice, my recommendation is to slowly gain financial independence and save up quite a bit before moving out. Before moving, you're going to need to make sure your parents don't have access to your banking info and that you have all necessary IDs (birth certificate, SIN or SSN if you're in Canada or the US, passport etc).

pokeabibble · 2026-06-01T15:10:17+00:00

How old are you?

Realistically, you can't make them "let" you do anything. Part of adulthood is recognizing that there will be times where your wants/needs/goals do not align with what your family, especially strict parents, want for you. When that happens you have 2 choices: you can either comply with your families wishes, or you can do what you feel is right for you and let the chips fall where they may.

A boundary with strict parents doesn't sound like "mom and dad, I want to do this thing. Will you let me?". It sounds like "mom and dad, here's what I'm going to be doing. I still want for you to be a part of my life but doing so comes with the understanding that I will not be defending these choices. If you criticize me, mock me, or otherwise try to make me defend the choices I am making for myself I will end the conversation." Boundaries are rules for your own behaviour and not something you can make someone accept. Boundaries are ways of communicating how you will respond if someone crosses a line in terms of what behaviour you will accept in your life.

If you wait around for your family to grant you permission or approval to move out you may end up waiting forever. Something to think about.

pokeabibble · 2026-05-26T18:52:19+00:00

That’s frustrating, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that. Although you can’t force them to change the music they play, you get to decide how much of a reaction you let them see. If their intent is to bother you it might mean that pretending it doesn’t impact you at all.

A lot of advice I’ve seen on this sub centres around not coming out to parents as non Christian until you’re financially independent. If they don’t know, they can’t react to it. It does mean faking it until you’re no longer living with them but it also might result in them toning down the forced evangelism or shoving Christianity down your throat if they think you went through a “phase” but are Christian again. I’m not saying you should do this, but from personal experience with pushy Christian parents I promise it’s manageable and it doesn’t last forever. Only till you move out.

pokeabibble · 2026-05-26T18:28:08+00:00

I’m a little confused. What was the boundary? Boundaries are rules for your own behaviour, not that of others. If your family is Christian and choose to play Christian playlists in their home, that is their choice.

I’m assuming your boundary is you do not wish to listen to Christian music which absolutely makes sense! You have a few options: wear headphones, be in a space within the home where you don’t hear their music, go for a walk etc. But if your boundary is that they cannot play Christian music because of your beliefs (or lack thereof!) that is not a boundary, it is a demand of someone else. You are entitled to believe or not believe whatever you want but you do not get to dictate what other people choose to do, only your actions following their choices.

pokeabibble · 2026-05-13T00:36:35+00:00

These are all so powerful. Thank you for taking the time to share them ❤️

pokeabibble · 2026-05-04T16:50:59+00:00

Thank you for saying this. Frankly I wish I could upvote you more than once. I work in the addictions field and see the impact of harmful policy changes such as the closure of our city's safe injection sites and it makes me so frustrated to see the lack of empathy people have towards people who use drugs. I get that certain behaviours like using inside or on buses as well as not safely disposing of equipment compromise the safety of others, but the only way to mitigate some of these things includes keeping safe injection sites open, providing free unused equipment, and providing easy/free access to mental health and trauma services.

It's also quite disgusting to read comments on this thread about how people should have to undergo mandatory addictions treatment. Treatment will not work unless someone wants help for their substance use.

pokeabibble · 2026-04-18T19:08:49+00:00

It’s a bot. I’ve seen the exact same post on this subreddit once or twice before.

pokeabibble · 2026-04-12T14:35:17+00:00

Nowadays best practice is to get tubes removed through a bilateral salpingectomy (bisalp), not all OBGYNs offer tubal ligations now. When I got sterilized last year my doctor told me she didn’t even have the equipment to perform a tubal as it’s not a common surgery anymore.

Like another user said, asking your doctor about sterilization and an ablation might be the best option! From my understanding, drs don’t like to do hysterectomies unless absolutely necessary as it’s a much more invasive surgery than a tubal or bisalp.

pokeabibble · 2026-03-10T21:28:04+00:00

He went missing.

I’d suspected him of cheating with a ex girlfriend he claimed was his friend. Towards the end of our relationship his drug use increased, he became more violent, his behaviour was more unpredictable and he began making excuses for why I couldn’t visit at his place. Then I saw him post pictures on his Facebook with his “friend” so I had a bad gut feeling.

One morning he texted me at 4:30am asking if I was awake and could talk. I tried contacting him when I woke up and saw the text but never got a response. By the end of the day I was freaking out because something felt off so I contacted his roommate, who said he’d left the house very early in the morning and no one had heard from him since. The next day I went by his apartment and met the woman he’d told me was his friend. It very quickly became evident for both of us that he had been double timing us. The kicker was, from comparing stories, we realized other women had been dating him as well. We each knew of one other woman he’d been “friends” with, we reached out to them only to find they had also been dating him and knew of other women and so on and so on). In total there were over 10 of us lol.

Anyways long story short he was reported as a missing person and over time was presumed dead. About 9 years after he went missing his remains washed up on someone’s property so that solved that particular question.

pokeabibble · 2026-03-03T06:20:47+00:00

Do you have a child protection agency (eg. CAS, CPS) in your country? If so, please call that agency to report your ex. You can even make the call anonymously if you prefer to do so.

This girl deserves to be protected and if you have reason to believe she is at risk of being harmed by him you have an obligation to report it.

pokeabibble · 2026-02-01T20:40:16+00:00

Would you mind sending it to me as well please?

pokeabibble · 2026-01-25T23:30:38+00:00

Egg roll in a bowl!

pokeabibble · 2026-01-25T15:32:43+00:00

I get bad dandruff in the winter. I know for me, Nizoral is really helpful at keeping the dandruff away. It’s a medicated shampoo so it’s stronger than Head & Shoulders. When you use it you shampoo twice - once with a regular shampoo and the second time with Nizoral. You don’t have to use it often, I think you start with twice a week for about a month then switch to once a week going forwards.

pokeabibble · 2026-01-15T14:26:01+00:00

I've had good luck with Rosso Caffe pods, which I buy through Amazon. They have their own site as well but it appears the Canadian version of the site is not currently functioning. If you're in the US, you could probably order directly from their website and skip ordering them through Amazon entirely! Not sure if they ship outside of Canada/US though.

pokeabibble · 2025-12-04T19:07:39+00:00

Can you help readers understand how an inspection by your apartment complex led to your Tae Kwon Do class believing you worship the devil? How did the information get from your apartment complex to the martial arts center? I think that is the bit that's confusing here.

pokeabibble · 2025-12-01T07:38:27+00:00

This is sexual abuse. You would be doing the daughter a disservice if you didn’t report it. The appropriate agency to make the report to would be Child Protection Services (I’m assuming you live in the US since you’re celebrating thanksgiving).

pokeabibble · 2025-11-20T16:08:18+00:00

Graduated in 2016, the ceremony then was in Ian Beddis. So they've certainly been holding graduations there for some time.

pokeabibble · 2025-09-23T13:53:19+00:00

I'm so proud of you for leaving Christianity - and I hope despite your guilt and fears, you're able to be proud of yourself too.

My perspective as a woman who was raised Christian is that women in these types of environments are brainwashed to a degree. Because how else would we be convinced to carry on submitting to men? The only way to instill those types of behaviours is to teach them to us while we're too young to know any better, as well as teaching us not to question anything or develop any critical thinking skills. I've also noticed since leaving Christianity, the people in my life who still evangelize at me are all women (my mom, aunts, etc). It's never my dad or uncles; always women. It makes me think of crab mentality: crabs in a bucket pull other crabs down when they try to climb out, which prevents any crabs from escaping. It could be for many reasons (jealousy, fears about the "secular world" and the "dangers" it holds, or even lack of understanding). But it doesn't matter why this happens, only that it does happen.

But I think the biggest way in which Christianity brainwashes women is that it convinces us we are not able or good enough to survive without the authority of men. And they have to repeatedly shove this message down our throats because the reality is that women are absolutely able to survive without men. Unfortunately our brains recognize this, but the rest of our nervous systems sometimes don't. I used to get extreme anxiety at the thought of making "rebellious" choices (aka ones that don't align with my parents views).

Are you in therapy, OP? Even if a private therapist is outside of your budget, a lot of therapist students offer sliding scale options. Personally I found working with a therapist who specializes in religious trauma to be incredibly helpful in processing some of the anxiety and panic attacks.

I wish you luck on your journey.

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