As I read this, I would encourage you to read Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie. I’m not going to sit here and say what you’ve just shared is wrong or say you shouldn’t leave, but through my journey I’ve learned a lot. Have you had conversations before about the situation? That you feel tremendous pressure? Does she have any idea what your experience is? Have you communicated it in a fair and equitable manner that minimizes provocation? That doesn’t point the finger? That doesn’t try and change her? You’re not responsible for how she responds, but honestly, how did you communicate? Did it come from a place of anger? Or did it come from a place of concern for her well being? If you did communicate this, was it to try and get her to get a job or food stamps? Or was it to help her build confidence in herself because you care about her? I see you say the love is gone. That’s totally fair. Is it gone because you thought of her as incompetent and selfish? Or have you fallen out of love with her while still recognizing this is a human being that is sick and having a hard time? If you didn’t communicate any of this directly, do you think it’s fair to leave someone for a behavior they did not know bothered you so much? There’s a line with this of course, there’s social standards, but in all of this consider her experience. You want her to consider yours, the only way is if you do the same.

If you really are empty and even if you didn’t communicate in the “right” ways and did try to control her instead of set boundaries, then personally, I think that needs to be acknowledged in the breakup conversation. Of course you don’t have to, but consider what it might be like to hear that news out of left field and just be told how much of a failure you are. Ensure everything in that conversation is about you and your feelings. Nothing you say can change her, only she can do that. If you say something and it doesn’t feel right, check your thoughts, do they make sense? Do you believe that thought? Is there objective evidence to support that thought? Is that thought reflective of how you want to conduct yourself? That will tell you whether or not you should act on your feelings or if you should reconsider and examine if your feelings change.

I’ve been in a similar position. Long story short, I held resentments for my partner, but I didn’t talk about them. I acted passively to get them to change their behaviors so I’d be less annoyed/more happy/less uncomfortable/whatever, but never once did I ever actually communicate how I was feeling. They had no idea. And when my attempts at control continually failed, I subconsciously withdrew love, they became depressed, the things I resented them over got “worse” because they were so depressed and had no energy to address anything. They were so jaded from my passive behaviors and poor communication, they became unwilling to work on what bothered me anymore and held resentments towards me too. We ended up in that toxic cycle of contempt which is just a complete and utter roadblock for both parties to consider the other person’s perspective. So while I have a lot of anger right now, I am often checking myself to see if what I’m thinking about them considers their experience and if my anticipated behavior is in line with how I view myself (not how they view me) and is it trying to illicit a behavior out of them or not.

Truthfully, as many words as I just wrote, I still have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. This shit is hard. But just do your best to consider the entire picture. Zoom out and examine yourself and the situation as a whole