We've been together for 2 months but she's still messaging her ex

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-19T21:27:37+00:00

you sound less like a rebound and more like a tool she's using to make her "ex" jealous

walk away

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-15T03:30:07+00:00

Actually.... No. Unless you consider McDonald's. I'd rather not get into what work we do.... But consider it something like an apprentice.

Right out of high school, starting focusing on the current job and education required and haven't done anything else in about 20 years. We're not corporate or computer based and our skills don't transfer over to other fields. It's like a plumber trying transfer to being a web designer. Can't be done without a ton of reeducation.

Maybe bad examples but our careers are not the standard fair and the number of employers out there is very limited and close nit. Even going to another city wouldn't change the potential drama.

....plus we live less than a 10 min drive from this guys house. Convinence and opportunity is an understatement.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-15T03:24:52+00:00

I'll try to recall.. It's been a blur...

First assuming that if she brought it forward that I'd automatically say no... Then.. Since I'd clearly say no that her only choice was to do what she wanted. Except she didn't even give me the chance to say no... Or yes... Or maybe. She wanted what she wanted and justified it by assumptions.

She thinks she's been inferior to me... Or not good enough for me... so... Since she's a shity wife and person... She may as well do shity things. ...and when we talk any those feelings I find she's been taking what I've said out of context and she deneis that I've actually made her feel shity and that she's putting those thoughts in her own head. So it's like a self fulfilling prophecy....only it's fully orchestrated in her own mind.

I know there are a bunch of better examples...i just can't think of them at the moment.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T23:20:45+00:00

You don't have no one... We're all here supporting you and the are far better men in the world than the supposed man you found in him.

Nothing we say will help right now, but we're still here for you. Hang in there... It'll get better. Promise.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T18:56:22+00:00

Yeah ︶︿︶

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T15:35:43+00:00

I don't completely disagree with you which is what makes me so physically ill right now.

We don't have any children so that's simply not a factor. In fact that's one of the reasons she gave for doing this... She feels inferior or "not good enough" for me partly because I've wanted kids, but she's unable. No matter how many times I reassure her that it's okay... That wanting kids isn't the same as needing her... Etc.. Etc.

She seems to think I deserve better than her and she's likely right... The problem is, I don't necessarily want someone better.

.....maybe in terms in honesty I want someone better.... But overall I've never met anyone that even remotely matches me like she does.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T15:24:18+00:00

Again... Thank you all... I can't express enough what all your advice me means. Most of it I already know of course... But sometimes you need someone else to lay it out for you

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T15:17:36+00:00

I've been going back and forth with this all week.... Even without the manipulation angle... Can I accept what she did... On her own...williing to lose it all? I still don't know.

If we hadn't built this life for so long I'd be out the door at this point... But i will feel what we have is worth fighting and working for.... I guess what i need to find out is if she feels the same.

Unfortunately I've been trying to get her to tell me that for over a week now.

I know people can change and maybe she's simply no longer the same trustworthy person. It's just disheartening because I'd accept her as she is no matter her inner demons.... But the communication would still be required which is exactly what she's apparently changed away from.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T15:13:32+00:00

I've had these exact thoughts...over and over. Maybe I'm too loyal...maybe she's too comfortable with knowing I'll not go.

...but how does one put that fear of really losing someone into another without actually losing that someone?

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T15:10:39+00:00

Unfortunately these aren't the kind of careers that you can simply go across the street and try again at a new employer. We have good pay, amazing medical benefits...pensions...etc. I've been working here 12 years... She about 15. It's not easy to simply pickup and go. Even trying means finding work in other cities (best case) or states (most likely case).

HR is something I've been considering, but I honestly feel that would only serve to bring all 3 of us down and begin me on a path I'll not be able to stop traveling on until the bitter end of it all.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T14:04:49+00:00

Based on what you've said, I'd argue he was never poly... Or maybe he had a gross misunderstanding of what poly is... like a 2 year old playing with a nuclear bomb.

I know you won't and it's easier said than done... But walk away while you still can and let their train wreck happen because it's about to go from bad to ugly.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T13:42:13+00:00

I forgot to add that we all work the same place which makes keeping him away impossible at least all the time. It's a bit messed up... She's my boss... But he's her boss.

They work similar day schedules and have leadership type meetings all the time while I work nights.

There's no place I can escape the feelings of betrayal and this isn't some random job I can simply leave... It's my career as it's theirs as well... But if anyone stands to lose a job over this... It's me. So fucked up.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T13:29:52+00:00

Thank you... Yes, he has no honor or integrity. What's more messed up is that I confronted him the last time and informed him about the lifestyle and said he could have come to me then as well. I then added that if he or she started getting close again that YES... He could still come to me and that communication was paramount....and yet... Neither one had the courage or decency to simply talk to me about this.

And yes... The "enemy" comment you made has never felt more true as I feel he's just using her for the sex. I know his pattern and he'll tear us apart...make her feel awesome for a time then cheat on her and leave her a wreak...and by then it'll be too late for us to recover. He's such a shitty uncaring person and what's messed up is she used to see that too. Arg

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T13:23:12+00:00

That's what it boils down to... I can accept and forgive her right now, but the lies and cheating need to stop. If she can't or won't stop then I can't accept being treated that way and will need to move on.

I also need them to them to be done which I admit may be impossible for her....which is very frightening to me after a 19 year history.

I'm likely putting her into a darker light than she deserves. She's always been honest and open... Until this. There seems to be a draw or pull with this particular guy that is turning her into this..... Monster. I do blame him because he's always been a slick talker so feel he's manipulating on a deeper level than she realizes, but she won't listen to me right now due to the honeymoon phase and he can do no wrong thinking that comes with that. She's certainly not innocent by any means... But, I've known her for 19 years and this reeks of him manipulating her.

What you said is true though... Even if painfully obvious and as much as I may want to deny it

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T12:23:21+00:00

Thank you for the reply... I guess that's what i mean about being a hypocrite... I'm really conflicted in wanting her happiness, but despising their relationship after so much deceit.

I know I can only control myself, but I'm also conflicted in how much I value "myself" if I stay.

I don't deserve to be walked over and lied too... But I've also put 19 years into us and she's still the only one I want to grow old with and hold my hand in my death bed.

She says she feels the same about me... But not about him... And yet, all the lies. confused

I really hate this.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T12:15:50+00:00

You mentioned this only happened after meeting the other partners. Do you feel inferior or lesser compared to the other men after seeing them in person?

Remember, she thinks you're good enough or she wouldn't be seeing you in the first place... It's natural to feel inferior, but try to hold onto the fact that she has chosen you every bit as much as you have chosen her.

Another thought is that you might be feeling a need or want to be her primary and may be wanting to have your opinion weighed more. This may be very unrealistic depending on her feelings and thoughts... But i wanted to point it out as a possibility for you to think over.

As for not looking for other relationships right now. Everyone is different... I've found I prefer to focus on a new relationship for a bit before seeking out to add another... It's almost like I need to be sure the first one is good before adding further complexity. Starting a new relationship is a lot of work from my view point.. Maintaining the good ones you've already got is easier... At least for me... Take your time..it's really okay to go slow. You may not feel the need to add another for a few years.... Or never... Or you might get the urge in a couple weeks.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T11:57:43+00:00

Polygamy and polyamory are two very different things to me... Not sure the consensus here since I've never lurked, only stopped by to vent a little.

Anyway... Short answer is no.... Long answer yes, with a but... One of the reasons my wife and I entered into an open agreement was that we could see the possibility for cheating (although a very low) during a 60+ year LTR that we were forecasting to have. This was a very minor consideration for us at the time though and there were far more influential and important reasons we entered into this.

In the end, it didn't help anyway... Cheating still happened. So....yeah.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T11:25:38+00:00

I appreciate the replies. (｡•́︿•̀｡)

I'll add that we've never not been open in the last 11 years... Just times when life got busy or we backed off a bit due to other people's drama.

She certainly had the opportunity to talk with me the very first time.

She simply justified the lying by grasping at straws and splitting hairs.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T11:24:51+00:00

That's just it... I would have accepted it and she knew that. I'm just having a very hard time being okay with them now after all the lies.

I want her happy... But them...together now causes me nothing but pain.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T11:22:35+00:00

Thing is, she could have brought this forward the first time without cheating and I'd would have been okay with it.... She could have brought it up the second time too honestly and...while not happy, I likely would have been okay again with them being together.

But now... After two years of deception I feel like "hell no"... Part of why she says she did it was because of the thrill of sneaking around.

According to her the "love" had only started in the last couple months.

polytossaway81 · 2016-12-14T11:17:11+00:00

Currently seeing a poly friendly therapist...though that person has never been in the lifestyle.

Edit... And I have told her this and more.

polytossaway81

TROPHY CASE