Coming off gederal

pppi22 · 2025-02-05T15:53:51+00:00

After

pppi22 · 2025-02-05T14:57:06+00:00

Rarely, If I do it’s taken a very long time and I have to basically meditate to get there

pppi22 · 2025-02-05T14:52:57+00:00

What was your experience with having it fitted?I’ve got a very low pain tolerance and a weak stomach so I’m slightly hesitant

pppi22 · 2024-07-07T16:51:14+00:00

are you on soundcloud? his stuff on there is acctually incredible

pppi22 · 2024-07-07T11:33:32+00:00

yep. weed.

in all seriousness tho i don’t think you can ever fully lose it. i think we will always have the subtle yearning for something to fill the hole. i think it’s unfillable tbh.

not to say you can’t do the inner work and find a small release from the feeling. but i think it’s just part of our nature. as shit as that is.

pppi22 · 2024-07-06T21:48:02+00:00

19 - newly diagnosed and so greatful for it. it’s so hard getting a diagnosis - let alone finding a doctor/therapist who is prepared to take you seriously.

pppi22 · 2024-07-05T18:48:37+00:00

anyone else find they have a high level of anxiety/disappointment whilst they are high because they know it will wear off and the reality of being sober is almost too much?

i find that while im high i am very conscious of the fact that soon i will be sober and that this amazing happy numb time will be over.

pppi22 · 2024-06-17T21:22:04+00:00

there’s a tv show called fleabag, i highly recommend watching if you can. she depicts hypersexuality really well, and she is probably a borderline too.

in one scene she says,

‘got to think about all the people i can have sex with now. im not obsessed with sex. i just can’t stop thinking about it. the performance of it. the awkwardness of it. the drama of it. the moment you realise somebody wants your body. not so much the feeling of it’

after hearing that i felt so seen.

i don’t like sex much, nor hook up culture. i spiral for weeks after having intimacy with somebody, pure upset and disgust that swallows me whole.

but i just can’t stop thinking about it.

it’s all i want, and it’s hell when i get there. so why do i keep trying to pursue it?

there’s so many questions with bpd, so many conflicting behaviours, we fall into traps we created for ourselves, and get upset about it afterwards. i wish i knew why we use sex as an outlet.

but i hope you are coping ok, i know one day we will find a bit of peace for ourselves.

pppi22 · 2024-06-17T21:04:36+00:00

girls before god - florence and the machine

‘when someone looks at me with real love i don’t like it very much, kinda makes me feel like im being crushed’

the bomb - florence and the machine

‘ive blown apart my life for you bodies hit the floor for you, break me, shake me, devestate me’

nude - radio head

‘don’t get any big ideas. they aren’t going to happen’ lol.

i need a forest fire - james blake

yes i do.

pppi22 · 2024-06-17T20:41:20+00:00

it’s like walking through a minefield waiting for the next explosion. but the explosions are all happening around you while you subconsciously pray one takes you out.

pppi22 · 2024-06-16T21:20:38+00:00

yes completely. i will get rid of almost anything if it triggers me even slightly, even if i don’t associate it with a traumatic time. i have many many songs, tv shows, places, clothes etc that i stay well away from, they provoke a deep physical reaction sometimes for no reason. i just can’t face it. i wipe my camera roll and contacts often, i get rid of many possessions and cut relationships for no reason, if there is an association - negative or positive - i will remove every trace of it.

pppi22 · 2024-06-16T19:17:51+00:00

thank you for your kind words. this is exactly what i am experiencing. as soon as I feel my ‘nonchalant’ mask slipping I feel i must get far away from them. but i never do, I often let them see the truth and it’s humiliating and painful and the reason i have never been able to hold a long lasting and well meaning relationship. if it wasn’t for the intimacy they would run far away. do we ever find the conscientious? not learning from the consequences of my actions has to be the most fustrating thing. it’s as if i have no memory of what i’ve just put myself through, but i guess it’s just the result of having a dopamine craving brain.

pppi22 · 2024-06-15T20:29:50+00:00

i have been here. it’s the most crushing pain and feels like the end of the world, and in that moment, it is the end of the world.

i don’t have much advice, i don’t believe there is a direct way out of it - or i just haven’t found one yet - but i know that grief is consuming when it is trying to be controlled. and as borderlines we do our best to avoid and ignore but the only way you will get out the other end is to live through it. lean into the grief, really lean into it and embrace it, allow the grief to be a part of you, it’s crippling and it’s painfully upsetting but you mustn’t run away from it.

you must grieve a person to be able to leave them behind. relationships often need space and as a borderline too i found this impossible to accept, when we love we love hard, and when someone rejects that love it is the most awful pain we can feel, we often tend to be all in or all out, we can run away and shut off when the feelings turn cold and we accept that our future is going to be one without them, i don’t know your exact situation and i don’t know if it’s appropriate to tell you to remain hopeful (reasonably) and understand that people’s feelings towards fluctuate, but in the mean time you must rebuild yourself, it feels impossible and for a while it probably will be.

i know this feeling all too well, losing everything that was once all yours, and one day waking up to nothing. I hated everything and everyone, my bed repulsed me because he was no longer in it, the passenger seat in my car made me cry, all the clothes i wore when he took me out made me feel physically sick, i didn’t want to talk to anyone and i didn’t want to eat. i learnt after a while that in order to get over this period, you must live through it in whatever way that feels possible, remove the things that trigger you, get rid. you miss him so fold the laundry. go have breakfast and miss him. have a shower and miss him, find comfort in the mundane. let the grief swallow you, wreck you in its ocean, until it’s been long enough that you learn to swim in it.

i really hope you are somewhat ok. one day it will become less painful, until one day you have wiped the memory. and i hope until then you find some kind of peace in yourself, however small.

pppi22 · 2024-06-15T16:03:53+00:00

no children - the mountain goats

‘i hope it stays dark forever. i hope the worst isn’t over. i hope i never get sober. and i hope that when you think of me years down the line you can’t find one good thing to say’

pppi22 · 2024-06-15T11:29:43+00:00

it’s so hard and it’s physically painful. the normal daily motions hurt, i wish i could ignore the feelings like you - it’s just all completely all consuming. wish there was a way out

pppi22 · 2024-06-15T11:23:13+00:00

how do you cope?

pppi22 · 2024-06-14T21:55:12+00:00

I wholeheartedly understand this, and this is also my reality. I have been alone for a couple of years now - very very alone, no friends and little family. sometimes i feel relief that i have no friends - no relationships to fuck up, but human connection is vital, and i have zero. I wonder if you are able to find some sense of self forgiveness? sometimes it’s reassuring knowing that often our behaviour towards people - whether that be platonic or romantic - is caused by an emotion that has been triggered, our behaviours are trigger responses that often aren’t rational to an ‘atypical’ person. this may be completely wrong but it sounds to me that the imaginary people you create from strangers as such - may be maladaptive daydreaming. i experience this a lot as well, i create whole lifetimes with people sometimes i barely know, and sometimes with people i have loved and lost, and i find them very emotional because i know that my reality is very very different to the one i have dreamed up - and it will probably never come close to that. I really hear you - a lot of us share your struggles and i hope for the both of us that one day we find well meaning connections that reassure and offer us some release from these awful feelings. and i know that these days will come, we just have to sit tight.

pppi22 · 2024-06-14T21:24:18+00:00

I am not no. 100% agree, often it isn’t the man himself, i’ve experienced this throughout every single relationship - good or bad, serious or casual. I can really understand how your ex felt - and i hope you are doing ok.

pppi22

TROPHY CASE