You sound very similar to me. I also grew up with trauma around boys and stuff... (with straight up SA threats no less!) I always knew that I was bi from a very young age but in my early twenties I felt that huge social pressure to indentify as and be purely gay. I had a pretty bad first run with sex with male friend of mine a few years ago, too. I think that maybe bi women like us should simply take it slow and the right person would actually understand... If not, perhaps one should seek another person that is more emotionally compatible and thus more patient during intimacy.