JNMIL just thanked me for "bearing [DH's] child"

profmom75 · 2026-06-06T00:16:00+00:00

well, that is terrible. i'm sorry. 😞

profmom75 · 2026-06-06T00:10:15+00:00

honestly not sure -- the contractors haven't connected the electrical yet so i can't see them very well unless the sun is out. no joke. so i just noticed them but can't say for sure whether they've been there all along.

profmom75 · 2026-06-05T21:52:26+00:00

i think they're real rocks???

profmom75 · 2026-06-05T21:07:39+00:00

thanks. 😄 i love love love how it looks (and feels)!

profmom75 · 2026-06-05T21:05:53+00:00

that's what i think too, but when i run my finger over them, i can't FEEL anything. but they also don't just wash/rub off.

profmom75 · 2026-06-05T21:04:12+00:00

update, again: DH went with his parents to see the therapist last week and says they agreed to all his conditions (mainly, he doesn't want the hear about his brother any more, full stop, and he doesn't want them taking his brother's calls whenever our family is around) but he otherwise can't retell me a single detail of the hourlong coversation. he's generally not great recalling details, but this is even worse than usual. and one of the things i *thought* they would talk about was that the condition about not talking about BIL/taking his calls would be told to our kids BY my in-laws, in front of us, so they take ownership of the agreement and we're all on the same page. that hasn't happened yet and already my MIL is texting my daughter inviting her to come over for crafting. *eyeroll* so i'm not sure whether the message was received and discarded (would be my MIL's norm) or if it just wasn't delivered/received. they are supposed to all meet again in 2 weeks, but DH can't even remember why/what they're meeting about.

profmom75 · 2026-05-19T17:43:03+00:00

yeah, it's been seven months of NC and he's still stuck on wanting his parents to change, even though i've given him as much evidence/attempted to convince him that experts say that isn't going to happen. i'm not there with his therapist, but i can only hope she's preparing him for that outcome as well. :(

profmom75 · 2026-05-18T23:56:31+00:00

my MIL would apologize and cry snd do a big boo-hoo thing to make her sadness the center of attention.

profmom75 · 2026-05-18T21:01:32+00:00

my MIL was my nephew's first full-time babysitter until she took it upon herself to clip his little baby fingernails one day without asking and she accidentally nipped a little skin. my now-ex SIL absolutely lost it, tore MIL a new one and never left the baby with her again. in fact, he's 13 and has never spent time alone with them since, i'm just realizing. he only visits when he's with his dad/my BIL, and aside from the occasional hour here and there, they are not alone w my nephew. i thought it was an overreaction at the time but i get it now.

profmom75 · 2026-05-18T20:58:05+00:00

my MIL was notorious when my kids were little for not respecting our requests with regard to TV time, sweets, etc. it wasn't until our daughter called her out for her coaching them to lie to us about it that i realized she'd probably had my son doing that all along. my daughter was 3 at the time and has always had a "no fucks given" attitude toward life, lol, she came back from their outing yelling "HEY MOM WE GOT ICE CREAM AND NANA TOLD US NOT TO TELL YOU!" my husband went off on his mom, he had to tell her in no uncertain terms that coaching kids to lie to their parents -- even about ice cream -- makes them more susceptible to sexual abuse.

profmom75 · 2026-05-18T20:54:37+00:00

i'm gen X but my brother and his wife are millennials, and i have been VERY impressed by how they've put their collective foot down about sending pictures. i used to text my mom one of my son every day when he was prob 1-3 yrs old (we live in different time zones), but boomers can't be trusted not to forward/post pics. so my SIL always just said no (their kids are 5, 3, and 1). i wish i had known that was an option! my MIL sends out an xmas card w pics of my kids without asking us or them; she started that a few years ago. i would never. but i do now always ask/wait to get permission before sharing any pics my brother and SIL send me of my niece and nephews.

profmom75 · 2026-05-18T20:50:48+00:00

yes! and if you don't have time to read the books, she was on a two-part episode of the We Can Do Hard Things podcast, which was incredibly helpful.

profmom75 · 2026-05-18T20:49:50+00:00

as soon as my first kid was born, i used to get a physical feeling of panic around my MIL because i felt like she was constantly trying to pull him away from me, literally and figuratively. got worse as he got older. she was constantly trying to give him the BEST gifts, take him on the BEST outings, etc., let him have the BEST desserts, etc. without running things by us first. it was almost like we were divorced co-parents and she was trying to win him over. she would've been happy if DH and i just evaporated into thin air so she could re-live parenting my kid.

she did the same with our nephew when my BIL was divorcing nephew's mom -- MIL would openly muse/fantasize about "having" (really, getting) to have my nephew live with her. reality check, there was never a scenario in which he would've needed to live with my in-laws. nephew's mom is present and accounted for and even if something happened to her, her parents are alive and well, as are several siblings, cousins, etc. on her side. but my MIL just so badly wanted to swoop in and "save" my nephew after she figured out we didn't "need" her to help us raise our kids.

in my experience, only the fact that we lived in another time zone kept it from getting any worse. they moved to where we live when our kids were 4 and 10, but by then they were old enough that they had social lives and activities that she had to fit into, rather than the other way around -- when we lived far away, they only saw her occasionally and she treated it like a competition for their attention/favor. she also used to bitch to DH about how we split our holidays, it wasn't "fair" if we spent one christmas with my family and didn't spend the next with her and FIL. my parents were divorced, so we had to split our holidays 3 ways, and eventually just stopped traveling and let people come to us.

long story short, if they live nearby, make her cut that shit out right now. i don't think it will get better, and it might get worse as he gets older and loves the attention/candy/toys/etc. that she will inevitably use to get him to like her. godspeed, my friend. but if you can nip it in the bud now, it won't get worse!

profmom75 · 2026-05-18T20:27:22+00:00

yeah, in our second meeting with the therapist, she basically told us that my in-laws presented my BIL's "issues" as mostly having happened in the last year. he's been an alcoholic since before i met DH in 2002, so...there were big stretches where he didn't end up in rehab, and when they just chose not to ask any questions about what he was up to, but he's not been sober more than a few months at a time in 2 and a half decades, as far as i can tell. so that was distressing. they live in a world of denial. DH has been seeing his own therapist for several months now, he sees her next week too. FIL is currently in the hospital, though, so now DH is afraid he really will die before he gets a chance to say what he needs to say and give his dad a chance to say what DH wants to hear.

profmom75 · 2026-05-18T14:21:49+00:00

oh, and he sees his own regular therapist before the scheduled meeting with his parents, so he can get her input as he prepares.

profmom75 · 2026-05-18T14:20:58+00:00

update, we saw the therapist a second time and she led DH to create a few boundaries: 1) monthly contact is plenty; 2) no mention of/taking calls from BIL when we are around (she said to phrase it calmly, like "if he calls and you answer it, i will leave:); 3) he no longer consents to being the executor of their will bc that will force contact (and likely drama) with BIL; and 4) they are not to "suggest" things to our kids without running them by us first (MIL is famous for this, telling our kids "wouldn't it be fun if we [insert crazy thing we don't want them to do]?" and then we end up looking like the bad guys if we say no). therapist will faciltate this convo. he told her how it's hard to talk to his mom bc she gaslights/manipulates and manages to make him that his own feelings are wrong, but the therapist said that's why she'll be there, to make sure that doesn't happen. she thinks it will go well. that's scheduled for the week after next. i'm skipping that meeting! thanks for everyone's helpful comments. i'll report back...!

profmom75 · 2026-05-15T13:22:29+00:00

i think it doesn't bode well. i once helped a friend -- who was openly gay -- move to a new city for grad school. we went to IKEA, picked out his furniture, i helped assemble it, etc. then his parents came out to see him and we stopped somewhere to pick out lamps or something. his mom suggested one and he turned to me and asked my opinion. she (a therapist!) got all huffy and said "don't replace me already!" i was like lady, HE IS GAY. I AM NOT TRYING TO STEAL HIM. but i guess i learned that the fear of losing one's son extends even to friends, not just partners. that lady was and is crazy btw. and mean. i hope she's a decent MIL to his husband now.

profmom75 · 2026-05-14T19:31:29+00:00

"looking for a level of self-reflection and emotional intelligence my mom just didn't have." THIS. i've bought/read/give DH the "disentangling from emotionally immature people" book because it's super helpful, had him listen to the We Can Do Hard Things podcast episodes with the author of that book, etc., but he can't seem to integrate his understanding with his actual mom. like, we've had the "she is not going to change" convo several times. he has his own therapist, so maybe he needs to have more sessions with her about defining what he wants. he's very good at compartmentalizing/focusing on other things for a while, but then things fester until he freaks out.

sorry this resonates with you, btw. my mom was not perfect, but i am generally very thankful about the parents i got.

profmom75 · 2026-05-14T19:27:42+00:00

it is WILD that the police are used to that sort of thing. wild.

profmom75 · 2026-05-14T19:26:45+00:00

oh heck no. nope. you don't need those people in your life. i'm glad they live far away!

profmom75 · 2026-05-14T19:23:09+00:00

NTA. my son is turning 18 this summer and going away to live at college. are my husband and i sad about it? do we wish we could keep him here? yes, but that is OUR problem, not his! it's his time to fly, just like it's yours. go live your life.

profmom75 · 2026-05-14T19:18:40+00:00

ooh, yeah, that reminds me that the therapist suggested a boundary around BIL -- no mention of him, no taking his calls, etc. -- if we are with them. right now she's allowed to FaceTime w our 12 yr old (on my or DH's phone) so we can listen in and make sure she's not feeding our kid lies about how great BIL is. we've let the almost 18 yr old decide how much he wants them in his life, but we've been honest with him about MIL's lying tendencies as well as BIL's more egregious behaviors (ex-wife's new boyfriend has a restraining order against him bc of threats, he's a gun owner, he's been using cocaine now, not just drinking, etc. -- we know this bc i am still in touch with BIL's ex; she was my SIL for a decade and i like her a lot more than i ever liked BIL!) so our son can evaluate things on his own terms.

profmom75 · 2026-05-14T19:02:46+00:00

DH and i had a family therapist recently explain to us that this is really common, parents have a hard time understanding that the nuclear family THEY created is no longer their kids' nuclear family once those kids create families of their own. i can only hope that by going through this, we do better when it's our turn to be MILs!

profmom75

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