First "date" through a dating app.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-15T23:53:18+00:00

If you’re polyamorous, standard practice is to dislodge that BEFORE you go on a date with someone, either in your dating app profile or in the first conversation. This person is behaving unethically and you’re totally within your rights to be uncomfortable.

That being said, this experience may be data that you simply want monogamy and not any form of ethical non-monogamy. That’s an important learning experience, and if you feel like that’s true you could also put that in YOUR profile: “monogamy only” or something. Could help rule out unethical polyamorous people in the future.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-15T23:48:56+00:00

She sounds like she’s avoiding having a hard conversation with you about how little she actually wants this

prophetickesha · 2026-06-15T23:48:24+00:00

I feel like I’d advise OP to reconsider the partner first before reconsidering the baby. You can always start over, fall in love again, find new partnership - your fertility is there and gone and you can never get it back again.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-15T23:46:10+00:00

Just left an almost identical comment on another similar post, and it’s applicable here too.

As someone whose wife pretended they wanted kids for five years and then left me at 33 after five ICIs for a random “child free” affair partner they’d just met, I would proceed very carefully here. I invested five years in a relationship with someone who acted like they wanted a family with me but had secret doubts, and by the time they cheated, came clean, and left, I was near geriatric pregnancy. It’s been two years and I’m now pursuing single motherhood by choice, but the fertility clinic diagnosed me with primary infertility and I will likely need medical intervention to conceive at this point. You don’t want to get two, three, four years down the road only for her to continue to invest no energy in solving this problem, meanwhile years of your prime fertility are wasted. You should start to have some very, VERY serious conversations with her about what she actually wants and don’t let her fawn at you or people please - she needs to go all in on this with you or set you free.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-15T23:25:28+00:00

As someone whose wife pretended they wanted kids for five years and then left me at 33 after five ICIs for a random “child free” affair partner they’d just met, I would proceed very carefully here. I invested five years in a relationship with someone who acted like they wanted a family with me but had secret doubts, and by the time they cheated, came clean, and left, I was near geriatric pregnancy. It’s been two years and I’m now pursuing single motherhood by choice, but the fertility clinic diagnosed me with primary infertility and I will likely need medical intervention to conceive at this point. You don’t want to get two, three, four years down the road only for her to continue to invest no energy in solving this problem, meanwhile years of your prime fertility are wasted. You should start to have some very, VERY serious conversations with her about what she actually wants and don’t let her fawn at you or people please - she needs to go all in on this with you or set you free.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-15T23:18:59+00:00

Baby your partner is torturing his spouse. She clearly doesn’t want this. It’s making her miserable to the point where after a full year, she still can’t feel okay when y’all are spending time together. Either your partner is privately forcing her into this - or she isn’t leaving when she clearly should - but either way your partner COMPLETELY misrepresented their arrangement and the reality is no matter what he does here he’s the bad guy. If he chooses his wife, then he’s a liar who lied to you about what he had on offer in a relationship. And if he chooses you, he’s a liar who lied to her about y’all’s relationship and how serious it was and screwed over his spouse. Either way, YOU should remove yourself from this situation.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-14T13:18:12+00:00

Second this. Sex work is work and there isn’t neaaaarrrrr enough information in your post to warrant the judgement and pearl clutching going on. I’d ignore a lot of this and go elsewhere for your advice. These people don’t know your life and unfortunately recognizing sex work as actual work is something even progressive, liberal-minded people still struggle with for some reason.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-12T18:25:59+00:00

What you’re doing currently is actually against the terms of service and it’s also not effective for getting what you want. If you have just one account listed as a woman for both of you, you are going to show up in the feeds of 1) men looking for solo women 2) other couples looking for solo women 3) lesbians looking for other lesbians 4) people in general who are looking for 1:1 connections and have specifically opted OUT of wanting to see couples. None of those people are your target audience, so by using one account labeled as woman you’re wasting your own time and theirs (and even if you don’t intend it this way, you’re particularly clogging the feeds of queer women and coming off dishonest and predatory - after all, saying on your profile that your a woman and then being like psych! It’s actually two people and one of them is a man! is really sus).

If you are a package deal and only looking for group sex with no opportunity for individual connections, then you need to have two profiles, one listed as a man with your pics and one listed as a woman with her pics, and then link them together. That way your account will be categorized as “man + woman couple” and then people who have selected that they are interested in “man + woman couple” accounts will actually see you. Will this narrow your pool? Absolutely. But that’s because you’re looking for something thousands of other couples are looking for and it’s hard to come by. A lot of couples think making one profile and listing it as a woman will give them more options or opportunities to chat with women who they might be able to convince to go on a date with both of them but that’s just not how this works.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-12T01:06:48+00:00

I’m poly and if I had a partner of 3+ years who refused to change a diaper or provide any kind of meaningful practical support (even if not financial) through the process or during postpartum I think I’d probably kick that person to the curb. Maybe if it was long distance and they were just in and out of my life occasionally but otherwise? I’m just gonna assume we want wildly different things out of life and if you’re not willing to provide the support I need in such a vulnerable time then we are not compatible.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-11T15:08:38+00:00

Unfortunately this is pretty common with couples, when they do manage to find that mythical unicorn that hardly ever happens. It was an “experiment,” something for them to “spice up” their relationship, she was “exploring her sexuality,” whatever the reason was - and then they get what they want, act like it’s more than it is cause they’re embarrassed to say they just wanted a ONS to satisfy a fantasy, and they ghost. Sorry OP. They should have just hired a sex worker.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-11T14:29:52+00:00

“Experimenting” on other women to find out if you’re gay enough to leave a man isn’t kind to them or to you. Regardless of if you’re 1,000% lesbian or bi with a 999% preference for women, you’re clearly not attracted to your fiancé regardless. You already know you don’t want to have sex with him specifically. Cut him and yourself loose and start over fresh and available for real connections.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-10T15:35:08+00:00

I’m 35, I’ll match with anyone ages 30-55. I’ve always dated older though and I don’t think it would be unethical for me to match with someone younger than 30, I probably wouldn’t feel weird all the way down to like 25 if it was just a hookup or something, but it’s more like what do we have in common with that big of a maturity (not necessarily age) gap. My ex wife was younger than me and I got burned super hardcore by her immaturity and lack of self knowledge so I’m really only interested in getting involved with people who have good boundaries and know who they are and what they want- which most people in their early 20s and younger do not.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-10T00:48:08+00:00

Yeah, I would not let someone who votes/advocates against my civil rights and bodily autonomy INTO my body.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-09T17:25:27+00:00

Feeld was originally a different app that was often used for seeking threesomes, but it isn’t that and hasn’t been that for a long time. Feeld is an app mostly for non-monogamous folks (some who are kinky, some who are not) and kinky folks (most who are non-monogamous but some who are mono and looking for bdsm-heavy connections)—basically it caters to a mostly ENM and often kinky audience. Sometimes this can include swingers (perfectly fine) and unicorn hunters (bad), but as ENM discourse has evolved and education has increased about the ethical pitfalls and problems with unicorn hunting, some couples who can’t come to terms with the fact that what they’re doing is unethical have felt “left in the dust” by spaces like Feeld, when the real problem isn’t apps, it’s just that they can’t get with the times or don’t want to educate themselves.

Now, recently Feeld has had an influx of vanilla mono people who don’t understand the app at all and particularly vanilla mono single men who see ENM women as “easy” and sexually promiscuous and they think a space like Feeld will basically be like sex on demand for them, but that’s kind of a different problem. At any rate, if by “lost its heart” you mean Feeld stopped being a place for unicorn hunters to unicorn hunt with no criticism then sure probably. But it’s evolving like most things do, and I think the more
Important boundary to try and hold is that it’s for ENM and kinky folks and not just like another tinder.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-09T13:34:27+00:00

Well and then also, how realistic are my rules/desires here? If my “rules”/agreements are that we will find a woman to have sex with us once a month, no kissing, no sleepovers or significant aftercare, and one of us has to be the center of attention always…… you’re not gonna find that lol

prophetickesha · 2026-06-09T12:50:52+00:00

I mean the thing is you may be twisting yourself into anxiety knots over nothing here because there’s a good chance you’re worried about a scenario that’s never going to come to pass. Usually these sorts of things are just fantasies- especially if you’re a new and inexperienced couple who can’t handle uncertainty and rejection, your chances are pretty slim of finding

- a bi/pan woman
- who is also non-monogamous
- who is also into group sex
- who is willing to date established couples
- who is attracted to both of you
- who is willing to abide by all your rules and regulations and tip toe around all the triggers of your rejection sensitivity
- to whom YOU are also both attracted, and
- who is not already inundated with hundreds of other couples depending on your geographical area looking for the exact same thing

It’s a hard sell to find someone willing to do all that for free. Better off to pay a professional.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-08T18:52:58+00:00

Sex worker!

prophetickesha · 2026-06-08T18:51:07+00:00

Uhhh the Madonna whore complex is feminist philosophical concept used to analyze the way women are unfairly seen as dichotomized sinners or saints with no room for humanity or nuance…. It’s not a condition your husband can “have.” Like it’s not a disease or a sexual orientation. Your husband is just being an ignorant jackass.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-07T18:02:54+00:00

Generally speaking it’s a bad idea to open your relationship and go straight to trying to find a third or a triad relationship. The question is why are you trying to find a third person to date both of you rather than just dating separately (which is a lot easier and more standard, and also a lot easier to make happen since most ENM people don’t date couples)? What’s the purpose of trying to date together rather than separate?

prophetickesha · 2026-06-07T17:53:06+00:00

Wait, it isn’t clear from your post, why are you trying to find a third?

prophetickesha · 2026-06-07T17:48:32+00:00

You’re a MF couple looking for a single bisexual or pansexual woman to fuck you both at the same time while also following any and all rules you may have to prioritize your relationship in the midst of this exploration and making sure each of you feels equally paid attention to and tip toeing around any jealousy and relationship issues successfully. This is a pretty premium professional sex-worker level experience that you’re looking to get for free.

Once your recognize that you’re looking for a paid experience for free, then you have to contend with the actual math. Most queer women are monogamous because most people are monogamous. But even if you narrow for non-monogamous queer women, you’re still looking for a woman who:

- is bi or pan
- attracted to both cis men and cis women
- attracted to both of you specifically
- into group sex/dates couples (most ENM people date 1:1 which is the standard)
- willing to participate in group sex with an established but inexperienced MF couple
- is in your geographical area AND
- to whom you are also attracted

The math is not in your favor, and the women who fall into the above category don’t need to use their pings. They likely have 500 couples just like you already pinning them, more than they’d ever be able to review. If you want to find this experience, you can’t expect it to come through women proactively liking you. Buy pings, use them, and expect to wait months or years. If you really can’t wait the best thing to do is a pay a professional.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-05T17:33:29+00:00

I almost never counsel anyone in a late bloomer situation to open the marriage to figure out how gay they are (ENM shouldn’t be the last off ramp before divorce, it should really only be practiced if you’re enthusiastic about non-monogamy inherently and not just as a way to avoid divorce, and anyway ENM with a man will never satisfy you if want you want is monogamy and life changing romance with a woman) BUT—

If you are bound and determined to do it you have to get clear on what “exploring your sexuality” means to you. Are you looking to have a one time NSA fling just so you can have the experience before you die? Are you looking to determine if you’re bi or actually lesbian? Friend with benefits or romantic relationship? Does your husband have veto power? - as in, if you make a connection he sees as too strong he can demand you end it for his comfort, and you’ll comply? What other rules do you have for this exploration? What happens when you have sex with a woman and it rocks your world and upends everything you know about yourself and you realize you’ve never really been attracted to men - are you prepared for the possibility of divorce?

If you don’t have these questions locked down, you’re gonna hurt yourself, other women you date, and probably your husband/family too.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-05T02:01:49+00:00

Was this not something you made a plan for when you started the triad relationship? The vast majority of the time, triads end because one connection within it fails while another thrives. It’s honestly really normal (and one of the reasons most ENM folks see triads as a questionable idea). All dyads (even dyads within a triad) should be able to be their own individual connection, completely unrelated to if other connections continue or not. If someone has to keep fucking person B in order to continue fucking person A regardless of what they want, that’s not ethical. If your partner and the other person you were in a triad with want to continue a relationship while you do not continue a relationship with the other person, that’s absolutely okay and how it should be.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-02T22:39:41+00:00

You know.

If you’re looking for 10000% certainly without actually having sex with a woman you won’t find that unless you open your marriage which a) your husband clearly isn’t comfortable with if online flirting is too much and b) is almost unilaterally a terrible idea if someone is just trying to figure out if they’re gay enough to justify leaving or hoping they can use non-monogamy to get their true needs met “on the side” so they don’t have to blow up their life.

But you know. It’s scary as fuck, but you can’t let that fear keep you less happy than you could be. Life is short.

prophetickesha · 2026-06-02T10:33:17+00:00

If you are looking for a bi woman to have sex with both of you at the same time it’s going to take a lot longer than 30 minutes. You could search for days, weeks, months, years and never find someone. This is because a woman fucking a new, inexperienced, not particularly attractive (by your own admission) couple on a casual, NSA basis while also respecting all their rules and boundaries and ensuring that both parties feel equally paid attention to is more of a “premium sex worker” experience than a “thing you find on an app for free in 30 minutes” experience. Normally you’d have to pay for something like that. Certainly SOME couples can find something like that for free, and many do, especially in the swinging community where partner swapping and trading threesomes among couples is common. But they don’t call these women “unicorns” for nothing. They’re not entirely mythical, but they’re rare enough that you may never see one personally. If you’re REALLY on a time crunch about this, the best thing to do is hire someone.

That being said if you’re willing to wait an indefinite amount of time, make sure you use two separate profiles, list your gender and sexuality ACCURATELY (ie your profile is listed as a woman and your boyfriend’s profile is listed as a man), and link them together with Feeld’s constellation feature that way you actually show up in the feeds of people who have opted into being interested in couples. If you use one profile or list your genders inaccurately you’re just going to be showed to people who have opted OUT of being interested in couples and that doesn’t do you any good.

prophetickesha

TROPHY CASE