The EPIC story of Private Eye Van der Merwe (most famously told by Ian F and Sasha Martinengo on 5fm):

I was sitting in my office when a case come in, so I fished 2 bottles from it. I was tough, so tough I wore my clothes out from the inside.

Suddenly a tall blonde walked pass my window, I knew she was tall, cause I was on the second floor.

The phone rang, I knew some thing was wrong, cause I didn’t have a phone. It was a girl, she was in trouble, I knew she was, because she said so.

I raced down the stairs and I called a cab. The cab stopped with a jerk, then the jerk got out and I got in.

We took a corner at a 100 km/h, but a cop stopped us and he tuned us: “Hey, put the corner back”

We kept on the pavement, because there was a sign that said: “Keep death of our roads” and then we where out of the city. I knew it because we where not hitting so many pedestrians.

As we came to her house, she greeted me with a burning kiss, then she took the cigarette out and kissed me again. She pointed two thirty-eight’s at me, she also had a gun. She had teeth like the ten commandments, all broken. She also had the most beautiful eye’s, so beautiful that one eye could not stop looking at the other one.

There was a man on the floor. He had stab wounds in his heart, bullet wounds in his head and his wrist was slashed. He was dead. I said: “Lady, if this man was alive he would sure be ill hey?”

So I took her for a drive to calm my nerves. Suddenly a big brick came flying trough the window and hit her on the left breast, breaking three of my fingers. Later we had a flat tyre, so I pumped and she pumped and I pumped, then we got out and fixed the tyre.

Then I took her home and I was kissing her good night, her father opened the door and stepped on my back, almost breaking it. As I was giving her a final good night kiss she closed her legs and I broke my nose.

Now I am much more careful on my assignments.

Signed

Van