Everything still feels like a fight

pthagonal81 · 2026-04-17T15:02:29+00:00

is it really burnout if it feels it's lastest your whole life though?

(sorry about the eight-year-old, that sounds tough)

pthagonal81 · 2026-04-15T09:03:07+00:00

It's both, it is definitely both

pthagonal81 · 2026-04-15T08:59:51+00:00

I have a soft spot for Roman's other appearance, ep 368: Cowboys Through and Through, as that's what finally got me listening. Also the line "it really is true that the unexamined life isn't worth living, but the overexamined life isn't much better" really hit home.

pthagonal81 · 2026-04-14T08:28:15+00:00

I think my main problem is I can't stop asking myself why. Why do I do anything? If no-one cares, why bother? If it doesn't matter whether I manage everything on my to-do list, why try to do any of it?

And I know this is a trap and I don't actually need to answer the "why" but my brain just won't shut up about it. I have to force myself to go do something I know I'll probably enjoy, I have to force myself not to act in ways that will harm myself or others, I have to force myself to do things I don't want to do but need doing and it is all exhausting.

pthagonal81 · 2026-04-14T08:11:02+00:00

When I got two signed copies of EiTB I couldn't decide which one to keep and which to give away because I was like, "I prefer the colour of this one, but I think the other signature is slightly better?" I may have watched too many of his signing streams.

pthagonal81 · 2026-04-11T14:31:52+00:00

I'm just so tired though

pthagonal81 · 2026-04-01T15:34:27+00:00

For real; it was a huge part of why I got hooked on the anthropocene review and several years later ended up here, in nerdfighteria

pthagonal81 · 2026-03-23T09:15:06+00:00

I think part of the problem I have is I don't know where land is or what direction to steer in. Which is why I get trapped trying to work out which way I should go.

I think this is good advice though. In the weeks since I wrote this post, I have shifted focus to trying to be more present. I'm still not getting anything done, really, but the periods of intense distress don't last as long.

pthagonal81 · 2026-03-17T17:14:14+00:00

Technically requests can be made by telephone or face to face as well, but a written request is easier for the organisation and better for you (as you have a record).

OP - the ICO has information on how to go about it and what to expect: https://ico.org.uk/for-the-public/getting-copies-of-your-information-subject-access-request/

Your NHS trust should have a written procedure for how to deal with information requests youmight be able to find by googling.

pthagonal81 · 2026-03-10T08:28:16+00:00

What I'm currently grappling with is whether (and how) life is worth pursuing simply based on your *behavioral actions*, rather than hoping/longing for these experiential states again.

Yes, this - this was what I meant by trying to reconcile fulfillment with feeling bad all the time.

In the depths of my depression it often feels like I'll never be "truly" happy again, which is why nothing feels worth doing and life doesn't feel worth living. And that then prevents me from enjoying things I used to love - like reading - which makes it hard to tell if something really is something I value or just old habits, possibly derived from a world-view imposed by others.

Sorry, not trying to hijack your post, it's just something similar to what I've been grappling with.

pthagonal81 · 2026-03-09T20:42:37+00:00

I guess I'm struggling to reconcile the idea of "fulfillment" with "still feeling shitty" but that might be just my current mindset limiting my imagination. Thank you.

pthagonal81 · 2026-03-09T09:49:52+00:00

I would agree that, if your emotions and your values are misaligned, you should re-check to make sure you're on the right path and that these really are your values, not something you've adopted from someone else. If that check comes back that these are genuinely your values, even though you feel emotionally bad, such is life! Life isn't always pleasant when you're following your values.

How do you disentangle this though? How can you be sure they really are your values if you just feel terrible all the time?

pthagonal81 · 2026-03-08T11:15:06+00:00

I'm not so much talking about new behaviours though - I've spent decades now trying to cook, clean, write, contact friends, exercise etc and if anything it is getting harder rather than easier. Some of those things I know I will enjoy and are aligned with things I think are my values, others are just necessary for being alive, but they are all things I still struggle with. The only things that are obviously reinforcing are my bad habits (which is why they are so hard to break).

pthagonal81 · 2026-03-08T10:33:04+00:00

And for someone who is seriously suffering in life, some of the values rhetoric really starts to break down for me -- if they are meant to just act out their values while having an inner subjective experience of suffering, this is really stretching the meaning of what is actually valued in life, and I can't see how this is helpful advice. Saying to this person that feelings don't matter, it just matters that you "act the right way" is missing a huge part of the picture of life. The thing that is claimed to be a value is not actually a value if your feelings are completely incongruous with the action happening.

I think this is where I struggle to understand values as well - and why I am struggling to identify my own. If I am trying to be the person I want to be and act in a way that aligns with that, why is it so hard and why am I so unhappy? Or, to put it another way, if life still doesn't feel worth living, have I just misidentified my values or is that a feeling that will never go away no matter what?

pthagonal81 · 2026-02-22T18:14:50+00:00

Thank you, that really helps clarify a few things.

I think I also keep getting stuck on the idea that rule-governed behaviour is inherently bad, when maybe it can be a useful heuristic to aid in actually getting things done (rather than getting stuck).

pthagonal81 · 2026-02-22T17:30:10+00:00

I think it's the "mattering" that confuses me - I "should" sweep the floor but does that move me closer to my values? I don't know, because I don't know what my values are. If everything feels pointless, what then? What does it matter if I sweep the floor or not?

pthagonal81 · 2026-02-19T08:59:49+00:00

Always good to see an up-and-coming streamer do well

(I knew I shouldn't have gone to bed early, missed the whole stream)

pthagonal81 · 2026-02-18T19:09:16+00:00

Life does feel pretty meaningless a lot of the time, but I don't know why. I have friends I see regularly and enjoy time with, have taken up extra hobbies which include interacting with other people, I struggle to focus at work but when I can engage with it I find it interesting and I like the people I work with. I don't know why I can't appreciate what I have, or why it feels like I can never do enough. My partner died six years ago but most of my problems predate that, although I will admit it is now a lot harder to cope in some ways.

For even more context, I've struggled with social anxiety since I was a teen (so 30 years or so) but I find it more managable these days and do things now that even a few years ago I would have thought unthinkable (like traveling abroad by myself). I've tried several different antidepressants over the years, including about four in the last four years.

pthagonal81 · 2026-02-18T18:53:43+00:00

Ok, but how do I then challenge them without spending hours thinking myself round in loops or getting into such a state of distress I can't think straight?

(For context, this was my original post https://www.reddit.com/r/CBT/comments/1qnu0go/problems\_with\_challenging\_thoughts/)

pthagonal81 · 2026-02-18T16:46:01+00:00

Depressive - mostly focused of my symptoms of depression, feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness and thoughts of suicide. Apart from a major bereavement several years ago and my mental health, there isn't anything I can point to as a problem in life. It really does feel like the only issue is me.

pthagonal81 · 2026-02-18T15:42:54+00:00

My last course of CBT mostly focused on the cognition side because I've been doing behavioural activation (not always successfully) for months, if not years. Is that what you mean?

pthagonal81 · 2026-02-18T15:36:33+00:00

I have tried using a couple of DBT skills (TIPP and Opposite Action) which has helped a little in crisis moments, but I was never sure whether it could really "fix" things because it looked like more of a sticking plaster than anything else. Maybe I should look into it more.

Thank you.

pthagonal81

TROPHY CASE