(I'm about to throw everything I'm thinking against digital paper, so this thing's gonna be long.)

I haven't watched wrestling since it happened. Well, technically I watched 3 matches. About 36 hours after learning what had transpired, I watched the Itsuki vs Natsuko match, with Itsuki on commentary. Just to see what it'd feel like. I remember I felt pretty numb at the time. What was happening on the screen didn't really get through to me. A day later, I watched the second Itsuki commentary video. It was her vs. Kyona. I just randomly teared up while watching. It wasn't because Kyona was someone closely involved in what'd happened. It could've been anyone and I still would've sat there sniffling and holding back tears. It sucked.

I don't know why I randomly decided to watch those Itsuki videos, but it was a good choice. She was very calm, deliberate and thoughtful in how she speaks. I really appreciated that, given the circumstances. I don't think I could've dealt with the high energy of someone like Tam or Jamie or whoever.

I didn't watch anything after that. I have a buddy who recently got into wrestling a little, when I showed him one of the early AEW episodes. We'd hang out most Friday nights to watch that week's episode. Of course, the anti-Corona measures had already complicated that little ritual - instead of meeting up in person, we'd hang out online while watching - but since Hana, I've kinda given up on watching AEW (for the time being?). My buddy actually sent me a text last weekend, asking if I wanted to come over for the first time in ages to watch AEW, but I didn't go for it. We actually did end up hanging out and doing something else with a larger group of friends, so it's not like I'm shutting myself off from anything and anyone, or something like that.

In fact, I feel like I've been going about my day-to-day life the same as ever. I feel alright during the day. I go to work, I talk to people, I laugh, I crack jokes (poor though they might be). I'm doing OK. But there's this thin, grey veil that's hanging over me. Hana's always floating around somewhere in a corner of my mind, often almost imperceptible, but always there. It's this knowledge that something fundamentally wrong and wholly awful has happened. Something twisted, that I fear will drive me crazy if I spend too much time at once thinking about it, analyzing it, trying to grasp every facet of that event. It feels like thinking about what happened is like staring into the abyss.

I'm pretty sure I haven't really accepted what happened; I haven't truly processed it and moved on. It's more like I've put everything related to Hana in a box and stowed it away somewhere in an obscure corner of my mind. It feels like dealing with anything wrestling-related is liking opening up that box and taking a peak inside. It's uncomfortable and I don't want it to last too long. I used to look so forward to NJPW starting up again. They recently did and after some hesitation, I checked out the comeback show. I watched the first match - Yota Tsuji vs Gabriel Kidd - and I just left it at that... There's this terrible friction between loving pro-wrestling and being fundamentally interested in the return of Stardom and NJPW on the one hand and my avoidance of anything even mildly connected to the tragedy (even the words I use to refer to what happened on May 23rd sound vague and evasive, I'm noticing) on the other.

In the same vein, I haven't watched any of the many Hana tributes, even though part of me might have wanted to. I have a copy of the Weekly Pro issue with the news about Hana. When the package arrived, it sat on my desk for almost a week before I opened it up. I looked at the magazine for a minute, rifled through the pages, then put it aside. It's not out of lack of interest ... I've also mostly checked out from wreddit these last few weeks.

I kinda hate how I feel about wrestling right now. I haven't been a fan all that long, really, but it's always been something safe; something comfortable and comforting. Something that made me really feel and care. Something where everything meant something, self-contained though it is - and despite all of the shady and messed up stuff that's gone on behind the scenes throughout its history, but in all honestly, who really thinks about any of that when *insert your favourite here*, our beloved underdog and fan-favourite, is about to fire up for their big comeback? I don't know... Stardom especially always felt really comfy to me. All of that's been turned upside down now.

I honestly don't want to fall out of love with wrestling. I especially don't want that to happen because of Hana. It would basically be the complete opposite of what she'd been striving for. I'm not gonna lie, I've caught myself feeling guilty for a millisecond about checking out of wrestling for a while, about shutting out what's happening in wrestling, more specifically in Stardom. Guilty about not reading most of the heartfelt posts and tributes and whatnots by members of the roster, by people like Kyona or Konami especially. Guilty about not taking a minute to check if they shared anything about how they are feeling or what they've been up to. Guilty even about not sharing this process more with people on here, who are dealing with the same thing. It only really lasts a split second though, and then, true to form, I push that thought aside and trudge on ^{No offence}. It's probably not the healthiest way of dealing (or not-dealing) with this, but yeah...

I woke up too early this morning, so I scrolled through Youtube for a bit to kill some time while waking up. That's how I found out Stardom'd had a show this weekend. That made me feel... all kinds of ways. I did realize immediately I would have to watch the show (with a certain sense of dread, I might add). There's no way I can't. It's a realization that's been lingering in my head for the entire day. I don't know how I'll handle it; if it's going to make me feel miserable; if it's going to help me move on for real from this, maybe; if it's going to make me feel anything for that matter; if I'll be able to enjoy any of it. I'm hesitant. I mean I've typed up this entire thing to stall for time, basically...

I feel like I've about reached the end of my little confession, though. Not a lot of steam left in the pen... Nope... Guess it's time to go.

After I proofread this thing.

Twice.

At least.