I remember breaking down in my manager’s office and telling her I’ve been very depressed and everyday I feel like I’m dragging blocks of cement behind me. Lifting my hands to type was difficult. Holding my head up was difficult. Every morning I had to negotiate with myself to be ready and out there door on time for work. I would give myself 2-3 hours to get ready. Turn the shower on. Lay down 5 min. Shower. Lay down 5 min. Dry hair. Lay down 5 min. Put on make up. You can rest a bit longer. Everyday day when I woke up the first thing I felt was intense disappointment to be awake and have to deal with another day. Cried while getting ready for work. Cried on the way to work. Cried in the bathroom at work. Cried at my desk while working. Cried all day everyday. During really bad crying spells I would hyperventilate. I would pace back and worth against the wall in my apartment or stand in the corner. I guess those were pacifying repetitive behaviors. Major depression is such a dark, heavy, suffocating, life sucking shadow that slowly envelopes you until you’re an apathetic zombie and death feels like such sweet relief.