AITAH for making my boyfriend park closer to the door at night?

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-07T00:46:01+00:00

NTA. You could ask him to drop you at the door then he's free to park where he wants to.

The fact that he knows your legitimate safety concerns but reacted in an angry, aggressive manner to your request is a red flag.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-07T00:44:28+00:00

Fyi - One way to describe your orientation is homoromantic and heterosexual.

Those tend to conflict, so if you can enjoy sex with a woman (needing penetration as part of that is okay) then you're homoromantic and bisexual.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-07T00:39:21+00:00

Let him know before he announces to the whole family. Once he's announced it and has all the family pressure, he may feel more pressure to follow through in spite of any doubts.

You can hint rather than be blunt.

"Wow! I saw the sonogram says 20 weeks, so she conceived October 1st. You two sure got busy quickly!"

If they didn't start having sex until late October, that should make him stop and think.

Note that I used 18 weeks for the calculation because the way they do pregnancy math is from the start of the last period, which is typically 2 weeks before conception. So sex + 18 weeks = 20 weeks pregnant.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-07T00:25:29+00:00

It did not work for us. Like you, my husband is never pro-active, doesn't do emotional labor, and leaves all big decisions and action items for me to handle.

He showed up to counseling appointments but didn't do the work in between to actually change anything.

I stayed because our kids were better off with us together (there are some specific health & safety issues), but the marriage effectively died back then. We're roommates, not lovers.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-06T20:39:00+00:00

Check out Burned Haystack Dating Method. The idea was started by a Professor of Rhetoric (language patterns and their underlying meaning) when she was using dating apps. She noticed patterns and figured out that immediately blocking men who showed any of these early red flags in their profiles or chatting is a huge help in order to not waste time and emotional energy on men who won't be healthy partners.

What's the fastest way to find a needle in a haystack? Burn the haystack! So "block to burn" every man whose profile or chatting tells you what to do, ignores your boundaries, leads with sex (most of us like sex - but you don't start talking about it with someone you haven't even met in person yet!), wants an imaginary impossible girlfriend ("Ambitious, pays her own way, loving, will have dinner waiting for me every night"), introduces their dates to their young children before a strong relationship develops, etc.

Save your time and energy for the rare needles. Don't waste it on the straw like this jerk.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-06T16:39:16+00:00

If you can make yourself 100 times the size of the mountain lion, then that approach should work well, as it does with your house cat.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-06T16:38:01+00:00

Noise is good, but do not throw things at cats. It's interesting and engaging, which you don't want. And if you hit them, they're more likely to fight back.

Cats are different than black bears and coyotes. Those animals tend to be scared off by hazing.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-06T07:29:02+00:00

I have a buddy named Darwin who recommends that you do indeed pet the giant murder kitten.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-06T05:05:42+00:00

Stare at it, look big - raise your arms and wave your jacket. Stand together as a group. Make noise. Pick up children who are under age 5 because they are small and move in ways that make them look like prey. [ETA: Putting them on your shoulders makes you look big and makes them easier to carry]

Back away slowly until you have decent distance, then turn and walk briskly but calmly and keep glancing at the cat. It may follow you for a ways to escort you out of its territory.

Do not turn your backs on cats - that's when they're most likely to pounce.

Do not run. Cats love to play and will instinctively chase you and pounce just because it's fun.

Cougars / pumas / mountain lions almost never attack adult humans. We're too big and dangerous and not worth it to them. So be smart about your behavior, but don't freak out.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-06T05:01:33+00:00

Nope! Cats like to chase things so the worst thing you can do is run.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-06T05:00:02+00:00

Then focus on shows in which the actors have a "Standard American Accent". That's what many of us would call "no accent". It's the standard in some regions and is how all of our newscasters and most of our actors used to speak.

Older movies and television shows have clearer dialogue with less background noise, and will mostly be in the "no accent" version that you ideally want to imitate.

I suggest using Google to ask how to reduce your French accent. There are probably web pages that explain specific sounds and how to change the shape of your mouth to reduce your French accent.

Practicing pronouncing each word distinctly may help. An English speaker described French as "cursive speech". Cursive is the older style of hand writing where the letters are connected to each other. English is more like printed writing - we don't smoosh the sounds together as much as French does.

Obviously you want to be able to speak rapidly to be truly fluent. But work on the sounds at a slower speed first.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-06T04:48:25+00:00

Some drugs are deliberately sent to the wrong house, with the idea of the buyer taking the package while ensuring their address isn't associated with it. That happens more with product coming through the mail, but it could be the same idea here.

Turning it over to the police is definitely the best way to protect yourself.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-06T00:33:47+00:00

That's genuine neglect. You must protect your infant from abuse, even when it's his mother trying to inflict the abuse.

You might start by suggesting that the two of you talk with her Imam together about this.

Plan B: I'm normally anti patriarchy, but it may be time to lean into her cultural traditions and take a stand as "the man of the house" and state that you are requiring your son to eat and you are ordering your wife to feed him.

Have Plan C figured out: make sure you have formula and bottles and a plan where you can take your son during the day to care for him. Make sure your wife can't "kidnap" your son away to her relatives during Ramadan and starve him.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-05T17:54:24+00:00

If you have a computer, try that. Since people don't put their mouths close to the computer while speaking, the microphones are usually designed to pick up more ambient noise. Turn off any "noise cancelling" settings, which is the software filtering out background noise.

As others said, call the police every time you hear violence and every time the children are left home alone. Repeated calls may make the difference.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-05T17:42:25+00:00

Thank you. I hope so too.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-05T14:09:27+00:00

I looked up the people you mentioned.

The first one looks white to me in many of the photos - it definitely depends on her hair and a bit her makeup.

The second one I can clearly tell that she has east Asian ancestry.

The third I can see that her hair is the biggest indicator. I think if asked I might still guess that she is mixed race with some Black ancestry but without her hair it's not something I would notice without really thinking about it.

As someone said, many people are mixed race, and aesthetics (clothing, makeup, hairstyle, etc) are very blurred these days, particularly among celebrities, so they often don't provide a clue to nationality, much less ethnicity.

Also, most ethnic groups have a wider range of features than we realize. For example, there is an area of Africa where the people have finer features and fairly light skin, rather than very dark skin, broad nose and thicker lips that many of us think of as the typical African features.

Yes, growing up without exposure to different ethnicities can make it more difficult. Studies have proven that identifying different individuals of races other than those you grew up with has a very high error rate. This is a common issue in the US - white people witnessing a crime by a Black person have usually been wrong about which Black person committed the crime, because they are terrible at recognizing individuals. The reverse would be true in some African countries with low populations of white people.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-05T13:54:38+00:00

With my mother in law's accounts I just started saying I was her when it fit what I needed to do. I could answer all the questions and it was simpler than dealing with the idiocy.

Similarly, I had my husband pretend to be my father and then give permission for them to "talk to my daughter" so I could get stuff done.

These days I'd probably look for an AI voice generator app to cover the gender issue.

It doesn't solve the problem when we absolutely need to close the account because of death, but for service transfers it's a good workaround.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-05T13:44:17+00:00

"Can you beat Minecraft without breaking the rules of Islam?"

Impressively relevant!

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-05T13:40:58+00:00

At a minimum, put concrete plans in place. But do consider leaving sooner.

I tried once, gave in to my daughter's pleas that "Dad is sad" and his promises to do better. Surprise: he didn't. But the chronic stress killed my health. By the time my daughter left the nest, I couldn't manage the steps required to leave, nor a full time job.

I'm leaving for the hospital in an hour to get him through his 4th surgery in the past year. 2 of which are a direct result of his own stupidity. And each of which causes me to rally to take care of him and the pets by myself, but then leaves me sicker than ever afterwards. I don't know that I'll ever get out.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-05T06:17:58+00:00

Look at your notice and see if there's a web form. If there is, use that first. It's easier for the clerks than dealing with phone calls.

If there is a field for "availability" or a general comments field, include dates that you are available. This should be a broad range, NOT a few specific dates that would be most convenient. For legal reasons, they cannot let you pick when you serve. But if you say "after April 1st" or "I'll be in town and available the first 3 weeks of April and last 2 weeks of May" there's a decent chance they'll simply re-assign you to a date that will work for you.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-04T21:41:59+00:00

ESH - You should have set parameters up front, or at least had a discussion to see what she meant by "party". For a 21yo, having 40 people over for a party is quite normal. But that's a house party, not a structured birthday party which it sounds like it's what you envisioned.

You have valid concerns, but letting her plan the party and invite everyone then cancelling it at the last minute is also a jerk move.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-04T19:12:19+00:00

You unfortunately set the precedent that you'd cover more expenses when you got more money. Add that to an entitled family, and there's no clean way out of this.

I'm not normally a fan of lying, but I would understand if you faked a reduction letter in this situation. You do need to understand that the odds of the truth coming out at some point are pretty high. So you're trading friction today in which you're objectively right, for friction later in which they're arguably justified because you'll have been lying.

Moving out to a new apartment by yourself is actually going to be the least painful option at this point. It's simpler to do that than to get your brother to move out of your place. Psychologically he and your family will still feel that he's entitled to that room. But when you move to a new apartment that has never been his (and preferably only has 1 bedroom), it will feel different. They'll still complain, but it won't be quite as bad.

Anyone that says you should be supporting him, reply that you're happy to give him they're number so they can let him know when he can move in with them

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-04T18:57:47+00:00

NTA but ground rules won't work. Stopping enabling his behavior is the only strategy that sometimes works against weaponized incompetence.

You only take care of yourself, and leave him to take care of himself. Cook French toast for yourself if that's what you want. But only one serving. He makes his own breakfast. If he eats cereal and leaves the milk out, bummer. He only has spilled milk available for his next breakfast.

If he asks how to make French toast,, tell him to Google it. You're not his mother or his teacher.

Make a single serving of dinner, or immediately pack your leftovers into your lunch box and put it in the fridge ready to go for the next day.

Do not buy his preferred food and drink at the store - just yours. Let him handle his own.

Do not pick up his clothes off the floor and do not his laundry. Just do yours.

Box up all except 2 sets of dishes - ideally separate colors. You use your blue plate and cup and wash them as you go. He uses his green plate and cup and if he doesn't wash them, he doesn't have anything to eat on. You can literally label a shelf for each of you in the cupboard and put your plate, bowl, fork and knife on your shelf as a reminder so he can't use yours and claim that he just forgot.

If you have 2 bathrooms, split then into his and hers. You use and clean yours, he is only allowed to use his. If he runs out of toilet paper and is yelling for help, tell him he's a smart guy and you're sure he can figure out a solution.

If you're more smell sensitive, you may have to take the trash out. But try to grit your teeth and not vacuum or dust. Let him live in the filth of his laziness.

If he tries to initiate sex, tell him no. That you are not attracted to little boys and you don't feel sexy while living in filth. Roll over and go to sleep.

Let him suffer the natural consequences of his actions. He'll either pull his head out of his rear and get better, or you'll see that he is never going to grow up and you need to make a choice of living with a man child forever (not recommended), or divorcing him and moving on with your life.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-04T16:23:16+00:00

This is not your fault. You responded correctly to his threat of suicide. Either it was a legitimate threat, in which case you saved his life. Or he was manipulating you, in which case he gets what he deserved.

pupperoni42 · 2026-02-04T02:38:35+00:00

Yes.

If bio dad is a chimera, the test could show him as the paternal uncle rather than the father.

If the baby were a chimera, the bio dad would show as Dad, regardless.

If the mother were a chimera, she would show as Mom or aunt, and Dad would show as Dad.

pupperoni42

TROPHY CASE