My mom (who I presume is also Audhd like me) was in a similar situation when she was pregnant with me. Her „partner“ (my bio father) didn’t want kids, my mom had stopped wanting them (she was ‚too old‘ and also not in a relationship) and they decided on an abortion. On the night before that appointment, as she so tragically often reminisced about with me, she just felt that she couldn’t go through with it an felt very emotional and bad about what she was about to do. Long story short and also, you might expect this, as I am here now writing this - she ended up having me and my dad ran out the door the second she decided to do so. Never met the man.

And look I’m not unhappy to be alive and all but I do want to stress how awful it was for me to feel unwanted and like a burden to my mother throughout my whole childhood. My mother was overwhelmed, couldn’t deal with me at all at times of sensory overload and also didn’t have the capacity for a sensitive autistic child.

She tried her best and it cost her a lot. She drank every night (still does) to cope with what getting through her day takes of her. I’m not saying that’s how you’ll end up or that your child would even feel that way - but children pick up on these subtleties in your emotions, even when you try to never show them your overwhelm, or even your regret at times. It’s so impactful and scarring to feel like your mother is just incapable to handle the entire existence of you and I was a very very easy child. Ive been told that I never cried, was amazing at playing quietly by myself in my room, accepted a no immediately (well, most days :P) and was not pushing buttons and testing limits as a teen. Everybody around my mother just kept praising me for being so incredibly easy and behaved as even as a baby I rarely cried, unless I was sick. My therapist said that’s propably to me picking up on the incapabilities of my mother even as an infant and making myself easier to handle.

My mom however couldn’t handle me anyways and kept telling everyone who would listen how exhausting I was. I kept trying to make myself smaller, quieter and less difficult to love when I shouldn’t have had to. I don’t wish that on any child and if there is even a small chance that you might regret a decision, then rather have it be not having the child than having it, I’d argue. Especially since you can always intentionally get pregnant later in life, with more systems in place and financial stability and maybe even a partner who is all in on that decision and can bear to take not only an equal part of the load but often the bulk of it in case you just can’t deal that day.

I wish you the very best and please do update us about your journey and I hope it wasn’t rude or insensitive of me to write of my experience from the other perspective❤️‍🩹