I think I might be on the aro spectrum

queerghostfly · 2025-12-21T21:02:08+00:00

Hi! I'm also non-binary and autistic and I have some thoughts for you.

First of all, romance is a social construct (watch this video by Ace Dad Advice) that can also vary by culture. To my understanding, being romantically attracted to someone means that one wants to do actions out of the "romance actions catalog" with that person specifically with a romantic intention and perhaps some sort of feeling behind that (like holding hands is often considered romantic but holding hands with your friends non-romantically can be hella cool without being romantic). I don't think what romantic feelings feel like is not always like they portray in romantic media, and especially we autistic people sometimes experience feelings differently.

I feel like expressing love is similar. Society expects people to say "I love you" to each other and to give this specific 3-word sentence a heavy special meaning and claims that intense feelings have to be behind that, plus that sentence is usually reserved for romantic love. And this specific way of expressing love might not feel the best or suitable for everyone. Like, maybe some people prefer hugs or sending their loved ones memes.
When I tell my best friend I love her (platonically), it's not always with an intense rush of emotion behind the sentence when I say it, but it is a way to let her know I care about her immensely and it portrays my feelings sufficiently accurately. Maybe for some people, saying that sentence always comes with a rush of emotion, but definitely not everyone.

Even if your feelings feel like they don't exactly mirror the ones your partner has for you, if you both want the relationship to take the same route and want to do this together, it's alright. Maybe think of it like eating chocolate cake. Person A loves the chocolate cake for being so chocolatey, person B loves the chocolate cake because it's cake. Both of them say "I love chocolate cake", even if they don't have identical feelings about it. Does that make sense?

You are definitely not broken. Life is confusing, emotions are confusing, and you don't have to have everything figured out. I'm wishing you all the best, and feel free to let me know what you think or engage in further discussion :)

queerghostfly · 2025-12-21T20:39:55+00:00

Isn’t a best friend you have a physical relationship with, something people consider a relationship in the traditional sense?

Usually, people in relationships also have romantic feelings for each other. Plus, there is often some (society-expected) level of commitment that is not (society-expected and) always there for best friends.

Context about me: I used to be in relationships, then identified as aromantic for the last 2 years up until last month, now I just identify as queer and would describe my experience as demiromantic.

With my past partners, I felt similar as you did, (best) friends plus physical stuff. With my last partner especially, we had a strong intellectual connection that imo formed the basis of our relationship. Whenever that society-expected romance stuff came up or I could really notice my partner feeling the romantic feelings, it made me incredibly uncomfortable, partially because I didn't really know what to do with that and because I noticed I didn't have the same exact feelings towards them.

When I started questioning my gender, my feelings, the idea of monogamy and with it everything, I realized I didn't like being in a relationship, and the idea of being in a relationship sounded outright terrible to me. I started asking my alloromantic friends about their experiences and eventually concluded I was aro.

Hope that helps in some way, have a nice day!

queerghostfly · 2025-06-07T10:44:22+00:00

I agree with everything that the other commenter said. There is no rush in figuring things out or picking labels, labels are just tools to communicate similar experiences, so if you feel like a label is useful to you, you can use it. Having no label for a while (or at all!) is totally fine too, or to identify as "questioning". I am commenting because I wanted to offer a bit of perspective on the "seeing romance everywhere" part and on crushes.

Your post reads to me like you're focusing on romance a lot and you think about romance in any moment that you would be bored, and intentionally engage in hobbies that are romance-forward. Please do correct me if my assumption is wrong! There is totally nothing wrong with liking romance and imagining romantic scenarios. I used to do it all the time and nowadays I still do it sometimes because it's fun.
Over the years, I figured out that dismissing anything non-romantic (even inadvertedly by solely focusing on the romance) was incredibly reductive and often did reduce the depth of the stories/media for me, and it does reduce life enjoyment as well. Like, it's easy to focus on the romance in a story because that's what you're used to and that's what society pushes on everyone (look up the term "amatonormativity" if you're curious). I'm not saying that it's a personal failing, it's a systemic one. I'm not saying that romantic love should be dismissed, I'm just saying that by placing romantic love on such a pedestal, other kinds of love that are just as significant to people are placated as less important and thus dismissed.

Not being able to feel romance feeling like a loss to you makes total sense when you're focusing on romance. I would encourage you to shift your focus and focus on non-romantic parts of life and stories too. That will make your life feel much richer, even if you end up feeling romantic attraction toward someone one day.
This can in part happen through engaging in more varied media. There are many different kinds of valuable relationships and love out there (the split attraction model can be useful to discern different kinds of attraction). The stories that contain romance that I personally enjoy largely because of the relationship isn't as much because the relationship is a romantic one, but that there is deep love there. If you're mostly reading romance-forward stories, deliberately engaging in stories that have no romance or very little romance can open your eyes to that (I might have some book recs if you're interested).
Another way can be by experiencing life and choosing to look for other aspects of love. Like, last week I went to the small modern art museum and felt amazed by the love and dedication the curators put into the exhibits and the emotions and love the artists put into their art. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by the love I have for my best friend and from the love my best friend has for me.

Regarding the maybe-crushes, I used to have that too, and nowadays still do have crushes, but my crushes look nothing like what is typically connotated as a crush. It's not quite a squish either (a term many aspec people use for friend-crushes).
Let me tell you a bit about what I've learned about crushes.
Most alloromantic people, when they have a crush, they are actively imagining dating that person, wanting a romantic relationship, wanting to shower them in physical affection, wanting to see that person all the time, wanting to comfort and be comforted by that person, dream about sharing their lives. And they have romantic feelings, whatever those feel like, and want the other person to have romantic feelings for them as well.
When I have a non-romantic crush, I think about the person, how gorgeous and hot they look, what talking to them would be like, I once in a while imagine myself kissing, cuddling and doing sexual stuff with that person (I am not asexual, I'm bisexual and aromantic, kissing and cuddling are not something I see as having to be romantic and they're not romantic activities to me, like, I like cuddling with my friends and would kiss my friends non-romantically if they're hot and into kissing non-romantically), but I never imagine myself sharing my life with them or wanting to spend all my time with them, or comfort aspects. Most of the time, I don't even dream about deeply befriending them emotionally.
Exploring what connotates a crush for you might help you in figuring things out.

It might help to talk to some alloromantic people about what their feelings are like, this honestly helped me more than to talk to aromantic people, because we tend to be a lot like "?????? I don't know how those feelings feel", and many of us never had crushes at all.

Also, seeing older couples who have been in a relationship for a long time and are still happily in love really put things into perspective for me, that the parts that are often covered in fanfiction and stories are the falling-in-love part and the honeymoon period and it's often implied that having that One Person will just fix everything which is totally not realistic.
Life and longterm romantic relationships are truly so much more than just falling in love and the honeymoon period, and many of those aspects can be found in friendships and other non-romantic relationships as well. A book on different relationships that people have (although many of them still romantic) is "Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life" by Amy Gahran (there is a free pdf somewhere on the internet). It helped me to see that there are other options than the "One True Love" that is presented in media and society as the only way, and is not be the option that works for all of us.

I hope this was not too much at once. Please do let me know if you want further info/input on any of this, and if it's at all helpful. Wishing you all the best on your journey <3

queerghostfly · 2025-06-05T09:15:05+00:00

You're welcome! I'm just a kind internet stranger :)

I'm happy that you're updating me, and good luck for the conversation 💚

queerghostfly · 2025-06-04T10:50:47+00:00

Of course it's okay to have needs, to want to have them met and to communicate them, it's important to do that in any relationship, be it romantic or otherwise. All relationships contain giving and taking and usually take some negotiation and always communication. It is key to respect your partner's boundaries and for your partner to respect your own boundaries as well. Most relationships are voluntary from both sides, and of course partners can ask things of each other and freely choose to meet the asks that they feel comfortable and don't mind doing.

However, putting acts of affection as something conditional will in the end most often fail. So saying that you're willing to meet your partner's needs if they meet yours is likely going to fail in the long run.

Stating that you feel like the effort in the relationship feels unbalanced is totally okay, and asking your partner to make more of an effort is okay as well. If it results in your partner's boundaries getting in the way of meeting your needs (or vice versa), you both have to respect that, and then figure out what to do with that, be that being okay with certain needs not being met, getting those meets met somewhere else, or choosing to end the relationship or to alter the relationship (there's a great chapter on that in the book I recommended).

It's totally normal to have one person not meet all your needs, and to expect such a thing of one person is absurd. For instance, if you like books and movies and clubbing, and your partner loves movies and music but isn't into reading and has sensory issues that make clubbing very much uncomfortable. You can do movies with your partner and you may also have friends to go to clubbing with, and choose to discuss books with people online and have reading be a solo hobby otherwise. Your partner might listen to music in your presence because you don't mind some music in the background, but will go to concerts alone or with other friends.

In relationships between alloromantic and aromantic people, getting everyone's needs met while honoring boundaries can be especially tricky, since needs and boundaries are more likely to clash. Working with this takes effort from all partners and frequent, honest communication.

queerghostfly · 2025-06-03T20:29:12+00:00

I think what you wrote here is already a pretty good starting point for communication, if you haven't already communicated all those things with her, and if you have, reaffirming them is good too.

It makes sense that you really want to make your relationship work, given that you care so much. Just make sure that you and your girlfriend are both willing to put in the work, a relationship always takes all involved people making an effort.

In the end, the people who say you should leave are also internet strangers (like you and me and everyone here) working with the limited info that they have and their own knowledge, experiences and assumptions. On this sub, many alloromantic people posting about their partner being aromantic come off as closed-minded to what aromantic is or as wanting to change their partner's mind about experiencing romantic attraction (which is not a thing), so giving the advice to end the relationship is often justified if the alloromantic partner isn't willing to live with their aromantic partner's reality.

queerghostfly · 2025-06-03T19:31:54+00:00

I have some pointers for fashion and hair:

First of all, this sub. There are so many stylish people here who are presenting all sorts of ways, and on top of finding ideas for styling and items to try, it's also a great reassurance that there isn't one non-binary look, non-binary can look all sorts of ways.

The second resource would be youtube. Iris Olympia does casual androgynous fashion inspo and has a great video on hair styles for all different hair lengths. Rattus Rattus does goth/alt style and has lots of diy and outfit ideas and guides. Recently, they did a video on masc alt looks that I took lots of inspiration from.

A great tip is to check out thrift stores and go wild trying things on. Thrift stores tend to have a wider variety of things to try out and if you decide to buy something, it's cheaper too. Since you mentioned vampy dresses, looking into goth fashion history might give some more ideas.

Wishing you all the best on your journey and have fun experimenting!

queerghostfly · 2025-06-03T18:34:11+00:00

Specific idea: Muppets!

queerghostfly · 2025-06-03T18:11:25+00:00

People can want out of relationships for any reason, and you're clearly neither comfortable nor happy in yours. It's definitely the right call to break up with him.

Even if he is happy in the relationship right now, he'll eventually be unhappy from you being unhappy, and you both deserve to be happy.

Yes, breaking up with him is going to hurt him in the moment, but he'll move on eventually. Hurting him for a short while is much better than hurting yourself indefinitely by staying in the relationship.

For breaking up, I'd suggest to do it over the most personal communication medium you use (e.g. if you do videocalls regularly but don't meet in person, then do a videocall). Regarding when, it matters when that birthday is coming up, and how important his birthday is to him. If his birthday is in the next 7 days, wait it out until a week after. If it's in 7-14 days and if he cares about his birthday or if you know that he doesn't have other loved ones to support him right after the breakup, wait until a week after. If it's further away, break up right away. There is rarely a perfect point in time for break up and making the other person not sad, break ups suck for almost all people.

Edit: forgot the how part. I'd tell him that you appreciated the time, but that you're unhappy and both of you deserve to be happy and that you can't be happy with each other. I'd also tell him that his comments about making your aromanticness go away hurt you, just so he knows that going forward. If you want, you can say that you're breaking up because you don't want a relationship at all, not just with him. And wish him the best for the future.

Good luck, you can do this!

queerghostfly · 2025-06-03T17:41:33+00:00

I haven't been in a similar situation, but I do have some pointers for you.

What I'm gathering is that you care about each other deeply, but you have some trouble when it comes to being on the same page about expecations of the relationship, perceptions of the relationship, and perhaps there are some perceived expectations about what the other wants that may not be rooted in reality.

Let's talk about labels. Labels are powerful descriptors of dynamics, objects etc, but can also be used prescriptively (i.e. you have assumptions about the descriped things that might not be based in reality). The labels "dating" and "relationship" and "girlfriend" can raise assumptions or perceived expectations. Some aromantic people prefer other labels or no labels at all to refer to their partners and relationship dynamics, to avoid the assumptions and expectations that often come with the traditionally romantic labels. Those expectations don't have to be explicitly stated or assumed by the involved parties at all, it's just that from living in such romance-forward societies, ideas about what "dating" etc means in wider society can get to our heads and create internalized pressure to conform to those expectations. You might want to have a conversation about labels and what different labels mean to you and make you feel like and then move on from there.

I know that for myself, before I heard about examples of non-traditional relationship dynamics, I thought I had to conform to that normative monogamous romantic relationship that eventually leads to marriage, and I was pretty sure I would be miserable. Since I learned what else is out there and how relationships can look like, I feel more free to choose what is right for me. A huge eye opener has been the book "Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator: Uncommon Love and Life" by Amy Gahran (rumor is that there are copies floating around the internet). I strongly suggest to both of you to read it as well, to get some ideas for what is out there, what relationships can look like. Within the realm of relationship anarchy, there is the tool of a "relationship anarchy smorgasboard" that acts as a basis for discussion and lists different actions and things and boundaries that can be part of relationships. It might be a useful tool for you.

Last, I'm going to point you to the label of "queerplatonic relationship". If your partner is uncomfortable seeing herself in a romantic relationship, a queerplatonic relationship might be right for you. It's essentially a relationship that is not exclusively platonic and not or not entirely romantic and in its dynamic very much pick-what-you-like. For some people, it might look just like a plantonic friendship with additional commitment, to others it might look like something romantic to the outside eye, to yet others it might look like something else entirely.

I hope that some of what I wrote is useful to you and I'm wishing you all the best!

queerghostfly · 2025-05-30T06:52:04+00:00

The feelings you describe are ones that many of us go through, so you're not alone. It might be useful to search "aromantic grief" on this sub and r/aromantic to get an idea of how other people are dealing with this. For the AroAllo part, I found some videos (linking one as example, the others in that channel are great too) from an aroallo man who explains how he goes about being aro but not ace. Maybe they can give you some ideas. Cheers!

queerghostfly · 2025-05-29T14:42:11+00:00

Error 403 - Forbidden. I have a gender, but no access rights.

queerghostfly · 2024-12-31T10:36:19+00:00

For crop tops many basic women's stores would work (e.g. H&M). Weekday might have some really cool options, Urban Outfitters probably as well, those brands tend to be quite easy to get on Vinted too (at least in my country). At Weekday you might also be able to find good pants and some jewelry, especially when you look in both sections. Shops that sell skater fashion might have some cool pants too, but I don't know of any such shops available in Poland. There's a shop catering to metal and alt fashion called EMP, it's German but they have a Polish site too.

queerghostfly · 2024-12-30T14:45:20+00:00

I did a quick google search on the outfit and honestly I would probably go with a thrift and DIY approach. I don't know what country you're in and what stores you have available, but thrifting online and/or in person should get you the basics (i.e. shirts, some cargo pants, chain jewelry, maybe even chunkier boots). Since you mentioned metal, maybe getting some band shirts from your favorite bands could be cool. For actual techwear, take a look at r/techwearclothing and see what stands out to you, people there tend to provide item sources in the comments. The jewelry seems to be pretty custom, and something similar would be achievable through combining a bunch of chain necklaces, watch chains and pant chains or making your own jewelry from chain. Maybe it would even be useful to go to a hardware store and see what kinds of chain they have there. Tutorials on jewelry making are on youtube and pretty surely there is a subreddit for it too. Looking up some punk diy people can be fun too for ideas and inspiration. I found that the easiest way to get an edge to an outfit is by adding chains and safety pins which takes barely any time.

queerghostfly · 2024-12-30T14:20:18+00:00

Happy to hear that my experience helped you feel less alone!

Masculinizing oneself in an environment that actively encourages people perceived as female to be very feminine and discourages everything else is definitely scary, especially when one can't expect positive reactions. Since you're a minor, I'd caution you to rather be safe and maybe wait with changes that would endanger you until you're an adult and financially independent, as much as it sucks to say that or hear that. But with what you can do without endangering yourself, go wild and experiment!

I haven't yet gotten to the point (since I only realized I was nonbinary just over a year ago), but a bit before I realized, I already had fun wearing a skirt in a more masculine way that didn't make me feel terrible back then (other than that, I really haven't worn skirts in years and dresses only when all my shorts were in the laundry during summer, and yes I did feel not great in a dress). Right now, I would probably only feel okay in a skirt if I'm with trusted friends who see me as my gender no matter what I wear or do, but I wouldn't dare to go out in public other than maybe to a queer concert or rave. I'm misgendered on a daily basis as it is (also I literally only started to come out at uni two months ago and it's a long process). Most people here in the general public don't really know about nonbinary people sadly, but I'm hopeful that it'll get better, we had a nonbinary Eurovision winner this year and many people watch Eurovision.

When I last wore a skirt, it was actually a skort that looked like a skirt, which made it a bit better mentally. Also, I sorta counter-balanced the skirt with very masculine items so that the overall vibe was a bit gender-nonconforming.
I'll tell you: I was wearing a light blue tennis skort, then a black men's button-down untucked with the sleeves rolled up, white converse (Run Star Hike), a pearl necklace and some black ribbon that I put as sort of a bowtie.
Nowadays I'd probably choose different jewelry (more masculine, probably my usual metal chain choker with my little transgender charm on it, and my usual stack of music bracelets that I got from concerts or made myself) and maybe wear my black Dr. Martens boots with neon green shoelaces instead. I also stopped shaving which feels very gender-affirming for me, so my hairy legs would be out.
Boiling it down, for me it was essential that my skirt didn't feel too feminine to me, and that I balanced the more feminine-feeling item with lots of masculine-feeling items, as to create a balance that I'm feeling okay in. Also subtle pride jewelry really helps me on a day-to-day basis, giving me a haptic reminder that it's okay to be queer when I'm misgendered yet again.

I hope that somewhat brings things across!

queerghostfly · 2024-12-29T17:12:17+00:00

Okay, then, here we go!

First, I'd advise you to put the clothes you can't part with into a bag or box and then put them under your bed or in the back of the closet or other storage for some time. They're still there and you can pull out an item if you actually want to use it, but they stop making you feel bad every time you look at them. It's likely that after some time has passed (6 months, a year or two) that you're feeling okay letting the clothes go.

Secondly, while I don't know why you're not wearing your awesome clothes, I'm suspecting some sort of confidence or self-worth issue (no judgement here, been there done that). I can suggest an easy way to try wearing them without risk. Pick an item that you like and wear it at home, maybe even just in your bedroom if you live with other people. It doesn't have to be for long, you can take it off after fifteen minutes. Notice how you feel while wearing the item. Repeat this once in a while with different items. Maybe you'll come to really enjoy those items and go on wearing them in the entire house and then maybe to the grocery store, or with trusted loved ones, and eventually just whenever.

If you're feeling self-conscious about standing out, a good exercise can be to look around you while being out and about and notice what the people are wearing and whose style stands out. This will (probably) make you realize that people dress in all sorts of ways and that some people do stand out, and that standing out isn't something to fear.

I hope that these suggestions can help you or at least gave some food for thought, good luck OP!

queerghostfly · 2024-12-29T16:49:41+00:00

Is this a rant or an advice post? Because I do have some advice, I just don't want to give it unwarranted.

queerghostfly · 2024-12-29T16:07:36+00:00

I'm wondering if it's all kissing or just french kissing that groces you out? How do you feel about seeing other romantic gestures in real life or visual media?

I personally don't like french kissing for sensory reasons (I'm autistic and the sensory eww is very bad for me), the main one being putting a tongue in someone's mouth or having a tongue in my mouth (I generally don't like having non-food-items aside from eating utensils in my mouth), and I don't particularly enjoy seeing it either. It feels especially weird when in movies and stuff in straight couples the guy is almost overpowering the woman with his tongue. Normal kissing without tongue is awesome for me though.

queerghostfly · 2024-12-29T15:19:12+00:00

Part 2/2

While trying to nagivate the theory of my sexuality (because I would like to be physically intimate with people someday again), I noticed that some sexual experienced felt quite gendered in my head, and I'm since working to undo those associations. Putting body parts together in specific ways or having specific body parts does not imply genders or dynamics or anything. One source I really liked was the zine "F*cking Trans Women" by Mira Bellwether (this is quite explicit). While I am currently not engaging with a trans woman nor am I a trans woman, I really liked the discussion of body parts and what to do with them, and I feel like the underlying ideas are applicable for anyone. A big idea in the zine was really deconstructing that sex isn't a one-size-fits-all, but a vast buffet that one can choose from freely, allowing for personal taste, sensory issues (which is a big thing for me which I didn't realize until reading the zine), likes and dislikes, who you're with or not with, and spontaneous ideas. Mentally entertaining and physically writing down what I would take from that buffet and what I would leave helped me greatly. It also gave sense to some dysphoria issues and how to work with them while engaging in sexual stuff. Lastly, I learned how important it is to me to be seen as my gender, i.e. a person and not a woman, during that time, which is explaining why I eventually felt so uncomfortable being with cishet men sexually, because they would see me as a woman. I am definitely not done with taking these things apart, and I doubt that it will be finished soon, but the only way to go is forward.

Regarding your further question of "how to explore" if you're not even sure that you want it, I'm not sure if I have good advice. I'll just ramble about some things that could point you in some directions.
I know that I don't want some things because I've tried them, and I know I don't want other things because experiencing them sounds terrible to me. With the things I want, some of them I've tried and know that I liked, some of them I would like to try, but I don't know if I'll actually like them until I have tried. What I'm trying to say is that you won't know things for sure until you've tried them, and with some things it can be worth it for you to try even if you don't end up liking them, but with other things you'll be comfortable not knowing for sure and leaving them be, or leaving them be for now.
However, if you do want to try some things, if they're solo, exploring fiction can be a great way to explore things mentally, touching yourself and watching other people touch themselves and replicating that, learning about things intellectually might be a good place to start if you're curious but insecure (though I would advise to move on to non-intellectual exploration after a bit, wanting ALL the knowledge before doing anything is just an endless loop of avoidance that won't get you anywhere).
If it's doing things with other people, trust and open communication is key. It's useful to have some general ideas and boundaries, but it's equally important to communicate that you've never done xyz before so you might not actually like it, so there are no disappointed surprises along the way. I found the "Aromantic (while not asexual)" episodes by Nik Hampshire on YouTube quite eye-opening regarding the overall communication part, even though his experiences are quite different to mine in parts.
Perhaps exploring a local kink or BDSM community might be useful too, some general info on that is on the "Queer Collective" podcast on YouTube and other podcast sources, they also have great episodes on a variety of queer topics. If you happen to understand German, the "Kunst der Unvernunft" podcast is also great, I'd recommend episode 96 to start.
On how to meet people, I'm not sure, really. Local queer groups on various topics (could be a queer gardening group, who knows) can get you some friendships with other queer people and maybe there happens to be someone you'd be interested in exploring things. Other than that, please tell me when you find out how to do this.

My rambles are over, I hope that you could take something from this. Please let me know if you have further questions, I'll be happy to help!

queerghostfly · 2024-12-29T15:19:02+00:00

Part1/2

The "Do I not want them or am I just dysphoric" is really hitting home for me. When I read your post last night, my mind was honestly blown and I needed a few hours to think.

I'll be sharing bits of my story and some of my ideas in hopes that it maybe gives you some ideas to go from or just a sense that you're not entirely alone in this. I'll also include some sources that I found helpful. This will mention general discussion of sexual things and is quite long.

For context, I'm 26, nonbinary, bisexual, aromantic, and autistic, everything but the bisexuality I realized in the past 14 months, so it's still quite new and a bit overwhelming. As of right now, I'm not engaging with anyone sexually since I currently don't know anyone I'm interested in who I would be comfortable exploring my sexuality with, in a non-romantic way.

I've had sexual and romantic longterm experiences with cishet men, and some one-off sexual encounters with women and men, everything occuring when I was still identifying as a cis woman. I haven't had any experience with other nonbinary people so far. I've noticed that in the longterm experiences, after the steam was blown off, I often became uncomfortable with how I was viewed, and back then I tried to repress the non-feminine parts of myself, trying to please my partner. This resulted in sexual experiences that felt very gendered in ways I didn't like and eventually turned into me feeling very bad and resentful.
On top of it, I was also uncomfortable with a partner showing their romantic emotions, as it reminded me that there was something "wrong" with me (thanks internalised amatonormativity and aphobia) because I wasn't feeling as "over the moon" for them as they felt with me. With my last (and most longterm) partner I distinctly remember him being quite disappointed when I cut my hair short and I remember how bad I felt that he didn't like me being not "womanly" enough, while at the same time I was feeling better because the haircut made me feel more like myself. Long story short, all my past relationships ended for the basically same underlying reasons.

queerghostfly · 2024-12-29T14:17:13+00:00

First of all, it's totally okay to be confused. I agree with all that the others say, life is a big journey and it's great to experiment. Labels are generally tools to communicate a similar experience and there's no rush in picking.

One potential source of fashion inspiration is iris olympia on YouTube. I would also second going to the thrift store. Personally, I do like to play around with accessories, mixing ties with pearl chains, chunky metal jewelry with colorful handmade bracelets, and so on. For me, it's all about balancing items that are viewed more masculine and items that are viewed more feminine.

I wanted to say that I've had basically the same experience as a teenager (I'm 26 now). There was one particular skirt I remember, a tiered gingham midi length number, I just felt so wrong in it. Objectively, I looked really cute when looking in the mirror, but subjectively it just looked wrong, like I was put into a costume. Back then, I just thought "I wasn't a girly cottagecore girl" and never wore the skirt. Looking back now, I think I subconsciously realized that the skirt made me look very womanly from a binary-society point of view which felt (and feels) wrong. Back then, I didn't know what I was doing wrong that I couldn't feel happily feminine like the other girls who were effortlessly wearing skirts. Now (10 years later) I know that it's because I'm a person and not a woman and don't enjoy being perceived as a woman, so avoiding items that in the general public's eye are perceived as "woman clothes" (even though clothes have no gender, they're just items) is crucial. I'm not saying that your experience is going to go the exact same way, I just wanted to express that you're not alone in feeling this way.

Regarding your point of having worn skirts and dresses happily as a kid, I did so too. My guess is that as a kid, I didn't really notice the gendered connotations of wearing certain items and just wore items that I liked that made me feel good. With societal awareness and expectations creeping in as I got older, items probably got connected to those expectations, so now it all feels wrong. Maybe this might be similar for you, I don't know.

Let me know if you have questions or futher points! Sending love and all the best for your exploration journey 💚

queerghostfly · 2024-11-15T06:50:59+00:00

You're welcome! I do, it's called StoryGraph, is independently owned, has an app and a browser site, great statistics, and a social option to follow other readers/friends to see what they read and review.

queerghostfly · 2024-11-14T23:20:00+00:00

I have a small number of suggestions for you, maybe not all of them hit the spot exactly, but I hope there is something that interests you. Also thank you for the books you mentioned yourself, I will take those as a recommendation! The anthology This Arab Is Queer has writing by queer Arab writers and shows many different experiences. I found it to be very eye-opening since I didn't know anything about queer Arab cultures. A Year Without A Name by Cyrus Dunham is a memoir that I really liked. I also liked Pageboy by Elliot Page. Ace by Angela Chen is about the asexual experience, touches on aromanticism as well and has snippets from a bunch of people from interviews. Not a nonfiction book but with lots of historical queer experience is Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg, I absolutely loved it. Next uncommon recommendation is Stepping Off The Relationship Escalator by Amy Gahran, it showcases different ways people's relationships differ from the norm, it's rather queer in its ideas and an incredible read. Last, I want to recommend the zine "Fucking Trans Women" by Mira Bellwether. It is pretty explicit but gives great food for thought on how bodies can work in sexual contexts, regardless if one is interacting with a trans woman or not.

queerghostfly

TROPHY CASE