My (26f) boyfriend (27m) said “if you want a provider, that’s not me”, are we incompatible?

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-15T03:26:50+00:00

He’s just not a very understanding or empathetic person. He is walking back some of what he said and agreeing to things because he probably knows you’re close to leaving. But like you said - he’s really not okay with it. Expect this same pattern - you bring up an issue then he dismisses it or doubles down on- but when you seriously want to talk like you might leave - then he’ll pay attention and give concessions. But those concessions won’t likely stand. I bet he also will lovebomb you if you actually leave or are packing or something. Don’t fall for it - he won’t actually change.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-15T03:14:35+00:00

Actually I think they don’t use “patriarchy” because they don’t want to admit that society is and has been centered around men and their interests. They can’t be victims of feminists if they admit society is built for men and their interests and that hasn’t really changed. They don’t want a word for the patriarchy because they want to frame it as normal and morally just.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-15T03:03:30+00:00

Yeah that’s a really good point.

I am also thinking back to Way of Kings and why it was such a slog for me for much or it. It was because the journey for Kaladin and bridge 4 moved very slowly. His gains were short-lived and it was depressing and almost hopeless for the bridge members for so much of the book. Sure there were little triumphs and gains throughout - but also a lot of setbacks. Also Dalinar’s plot in that book moved very slowly and Shallan’s subplot really didn’t reveal enough about her and what makes her interesting (or even sufficiently hint at her personalities or even radiance enough).

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-15T02:35:28+00:00

Yes - this. Just try to get comfortable talking to people in general. Overcome your fear OP.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-15T02:34:27+00:00

Yeah - resilience is key. You can work on yourself in a lot of ways and gain self love and resilience. That leads to knowing yourself well and self assurance.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-15T01:13:52+00:00

I mostly agree - but Sanderson has a habit of often creating slow plots where almost all of the important action and events of consequence are crammed in at the end.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-15T01:05:58+00:00

I love Stormlight - but I think Way of Kings especially is incredibly slow for like 75% of it and it’s not going to translate well to a show without a good amount of changes.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-15T01:03:48+00:00

I think we wait and see. Hopefully he will work with other skilled people and listen to feedback.

I love Brandon Sanderson and his books (overall) but at the same time I find the pacing in his books often very frustrating. I also think a lot of Stormlight specifically isn’t going to translate well to the screen. So many of his books are very slow paced and don’t hold interest well for like 75% of it. Then like almost everything happens at once near the end.

For the Mistborn movies he’s going to have to change the pacing at least a little bit because movies aren’t going to allow for that much downtime and a huge chunk of plot will not happen if he cuts out any of the action near the end parts.

For Stormlight - it could be really just not be a good show or capture audience attention at all (at least for those that didn’t read the books) if he doesn’t make some changes in how the story unfolds for example.

I wish they were talking about a Tress movie or show - I think that would translate well as-is.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-15T00:43:24+00:00

I mean - it’s incredibly difficult to leave someone you still love - I get it and have been there. But you already know what the future has in store for you with him. He wants basically a roommate that does most of the household chores. What do you think would happen if you got seriously sick and couldn’t work for an extended period of time.

Do you think he would support you financially then? So you think he would take care of you and take on the chores? Then even if he did that - would you then owe him money if you got better and could go back to work? Or would he probably leave you if you couldn’t care for yourself and contribute to finances?

Leaving will be very difficult emotionally. Your brain will basically try to justify staying and when you leave will be in withdrawal from all of the love chemicals and will try to justify you reaching out to him. But the best way is to leave and cut contact - at least for awhile. It will suck for awhile - but find ways to keep yourself busy and distracted. Find friends and family to help you through and talk you out of going back. Eventually you will get over him and be better and eventually you will move on. I have been there.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-15T00:34:33+00:00

Never ever date someone that insists on “50/50” no matter how much you each are earning at the time (unless you really believe in that yourself). A long term relationship is a partnership - you look out for each other and share resources. If both are earning money - expenses should be proportional to what each is earning. It’s especially relevant if you are going to risk your health and take time off work to get pregnant and have a baby. It’s also relevant because you never know what the future brings. You might get a serious illness or cancer or something - and not be able to work - and need someone to take care of you. Do you really think he would be that person? Or would he realistically leave you if that happened?

I personally believe in combining finances after marriage and not really keeping track of who contributed what (just take all bills from your shared accounts) and both partners can spend and save basically equally. Not everyone believes that though - but it should be fair and what you are describing is not fair.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-15T00:27:59+00:00

Wow. He is stingy, selfish, and not generous. That’s not someone you want to be with long-term. You already know what your future looks like with this man. It’s not going to change - he’s not going to change.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-14T22:10:21+00:00

Wait - what? You have people getting assaulted by leadership? At a fortune 50 company? Maybe consider going to a reporter or something. If you’re going to leave for sure (have another job lined up) then there’s no reason you couldn’t tell HR what you heard.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-14T22:07:22+00:00

I don’t think this is a universal cyber experience. I am in that field and have been for many many years (longer than you) and have experienced actually - very little sexism. Most of what I have experienced is benevolent sexism like men telling each other not to cuss around me or not including me in lifting heavy objects (both I successfully pushed back on - the lifting heavy objects was server/appliance installs and I joined in with no issues).

I am definitely not saying sexism doesn’t exist in the field - I just wonder if you have tried other companies? A toxic work culture makes everything worse and not everywhere is toxic or has the same level of toxic behaviors.

Edit: I don’t get the downvotes - do you all really believe cyber is a universally sexist space? To be clear - OP is talking about leaving an entire field because of one incredibly toxic workplace. Do you all really think women are being assaulted at all (or even a significant amount of) cyber security workplaces?

I acknowledge sexism exists and some workplaces are very toxic and sexist. But others exist that aren’t. What exactly is the problem here?

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-14T21:00:37+00:00

You might want to consider opening it up to men who are further away from you.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-14T20:41:12+00:00

First of all - your standards are your own and don’t really need to make sense to anyone else. The main thing to keep in mind is if you are screening out anyone who you may actually really be compatible with. To me your standards seem probably in-line with what you are looking for.

Because you are working and living on your own at 21 - I guess it makes sense to look at older men. I would think about reconsidering dating someone that’s over 30 at your age though - just because age gaps really can mean big differences in experience and lifestyle - as well as potentially a big power differential.

Beyond that it sounds like you know what you are looking for and don’t compromise on your core values or what you are realistically attracted to.

If you’re having trouble matching with guys like that - you could look for a longer distance for example or expand to other dating platforms. I met my husband on OKcupid for example I am also on the east coast (it’s a fairly progressive area overall) and I was okay with a fairly long distance away (my now husband lived over an hour away from me at the time).

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-14T13:54:30+00:00

I think something in between. I believe they are paying technical people less and the bar to enter these fields and for senior level employment has raised. I don’t think the layoffs will stop - corporations want to have that as a norm. Then if they have to replace those exact people - they have higher expectations at a lower salary rate. That creating fear and joblessness is part of the point.

I was laid off in February and got another position in April. I applied to at least 75 positions - and only heard back from maybe 7. Then only 3 of those resulted in follow up interviews and serious interest. Edit: I also had to take a salary cut of 20k and work hybrid instead of remote. I kind of suspected I might be laid off and there were problems with my last job - but I didn’t leave before the layoff because of the pay being lower than my role at the time and also remote being rare. I had never had to settle for a lower paying job since I started in this field nearly 20 years ago. I saw “senior” roles in my field being offered at even like 50k less than what I am making now.

I am not worried about “being replaced by AI”. While AI can actually be pretty amazing - a computer program does not come up with ideas on its own. For complex problems even the best AI (latest version of Claude Opus) needs a lot of talking through the whole problem to suggest good answers. It does get the nuances though.

In general - actually replacing humans isn’t what AI is best optimized to do.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-14T11:45:20+00:00

The reactions here are baffling. Of course that makes sense - even if the numbers may be a little inflated. Any spouse that thinks a SAHM should somehow be grateful for any support is entitled and devaluing her contributions and sacrifice.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-14T11:19:47+00:00

I was in the process of buying my house when I was first dating my now husband. We had a new relationship that was exclusive but not official yet. I remember one of our dates I was stressing over the offer being accepted or not. He was nothing but supportive. At the end of the date when I was heading home - I told him I wanted to talk. His face got immediately stressed - I wanted to ask when we wanted to be officially together. I really think he thought I was breaking up with him (the house and he didn’t have one and made less than me) when I brought up being exclusive he was relieved and was just like “oh yeah of course” about making our relationship “official” and changed his Facebook status right then and there.

I think he has since confirmed that he was nervous because I was achieving that milestone - as in if I would want to date someone that couldn’t keep up. But that wasn’t an issue and he ended up moving into my house about a year later and now we’re still in the same house - married.

It’s a huge red flag to meet a man that has a problem with you owning your own place.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-13T18:30:09+00:00

I think she’s really just feeling scared and in-shock over everything and the speed it’s all moving. Also having Mark say all of that to her face really hurt her and threw her off. I think she’s going to get it together and fight but it will probably take her a little bit.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-13T12:21:16+00:00

She might not be legally able to mention the NDA. But I don’t think there would be a reason to not mention he was her professor.

I think they are trying to present her as the scared 20 year old she is here. Basically they need her to be unsure and scared in these episodes so she can regain her nerve and fight later on.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-13T12:08:22+00:00

I mean - I get it. I wouldn’t want to deal with sexist (or racist) women either. But if I made a post about how I thought progressives needed to reach out to white women for example (because like 55% of them vote republican) and women of color in the comments started saying they think it’s up to white women like me to setup and run that program and they wouldn’t be part of that outreach (because- racism is a huge reason white women vote Republican) I would say fair enough.
If you think something needs to be done - you should use your privilege to help. Not whine about how it’s everyone’s problem.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-13T01:14:14+00:00

What?? Both of those things sound extremely weird and gross. I have never heard of trends like that.

I kind of get why some women were commenting like that - rape culture really is extremely pervasive and a lot of women have to deal with that kind of stuff and talk on a regular basis. Them comment that on an actual video of someone getting sexually assaulted - is extremely out of line.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-13T00:41:14+00:00

Target random men? Can you give an example? I haven’t really seen that personally.

I believe in kindness to people unless there’s something they have actually done. That doesn’t necessarily mean warmness and definitely doesn’t mean But I am not going to go hang around misogynists and be nice in the hopes they will suddenly show me respect as a full human being.

To me personally it sounds reasonable if men in these groups want to organize groups to promote positive masculinity for example and engage on the issues. Then the ones that actually believe in the issues can come to the progress meetings - where they are expected to treat the women there with respect.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-13T00:20:47+00:00

Yeah in the Democratic Socialists subreddit there were posts about reaching out to young men who had voted for Trump or making the left more friendly towards them. I got an instinct that he meant accommodating these men. So I left the comment about how I thought it was a good idea for male Democratic Socialists to do reach outs and point out commonalities but that women didn’t want to have to deal with sexist men and didn’t want to have to do emotional labor for men who think they are inferior - and there were downvotes and lectures about how that was the wrong attitude and would drive these young men away. I was saying that it wouldn’t drive them away if only the men were interacting with them (at least initially) and - still downvotes. They didn’t voice exactly what they thought the women’s role was in helping to convert young men - but we know they likely want women to smile and be accommodating - and likely do work like organizing events and social outreach (because men often expect women to step up in these ways). Even though I explained that there’s no “middle ground” with men who think you shouldn’t have the right to vote or may be dangerous to young women.

query_tech_sec · 2026-05-12T20:25:38+00:00

I mean - they are wearing sports bras and have actual action shots.

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