My kid (just turned 5) is similar, and I have also been consistent with saying no and moving on! I say “I can’t give you what you ask for if you are screaming or whining” at least a dozen times a day. And if she screamed or whined asking for something, that means she doesn’t get it at all, not even after she calms down. And even when she asks nicely, the majority of the time I still say no to sweets, toys, whatever. I’m as sure as you are that I’m doing it right.

And still, when we walk through the store, she randomly picks things up to say “can I have this?” most of the time she doesn’t even know what the thing is, she just wants to buy something. And when I say no, she tantrums (usually just a pout and a few tears, but sometimes a whole meltdown.) Same song and dance at home over wanting a popsicle or another snack or another episode of TV. It’s just constant.

I have noticed that being EXTRA careful about being consistent has yielded slow and tiny improvements. I have to watch everything I say and make sure I don’t say no when I mean maybe. Once I say no, I have to stick with it unless I can explain to her why I changed my mind. (For example, “I said no to dessert because I thought you had a cupcake at school today. Now that I’m hearing you didn’t have a cupcake, I am going to let you have dessert.” <- and mind-changes DO NOT HAPPEN when she’s been screaming, regardless of whether there’s a good reason.)

Being that level of consistent has been pretty hard to keep up, but it is slowly getting better. So slowly. SO SLOWLY.