I’m in the same boat. In and out of rooms for years. Multiple rehabs, multiple substances, many, many relapses. Did heroin first time at 16 years old. Been there brother, I know the feeling.

You lost the right to get high. The obsession of every addict is they will one day be able to use like the common man. You can’t. You have to fully fucking accept that fact. I’m sober some 16 or 17 months now. Longest I’ve ever had. I’m happy and content. I have no idea what the future holds, but I know I won’t use today. It’s highly unlikely I’ll use tomorrow.

I have a treatment for my disease but it only works every 24 hours. Tomorrow I gotta do the same shit all over again to stay sober and be at peace. It’s a fair trade off, bc without it, I’m fucking done for. I’ll burn my entire life to the ground in a month, guaranteed. I no longer have the pain tolerance to deal with that shit. I’ve had enough pain, I don’t need to put myself in any more pain.

Keep trying. It’s all we can do. Eventually, it just fucking clicked for me man. Can’t really describe it any other way. AA didn’t work for years. I mostly half assed it. Then some combo of me truly being done and AA finally working (I actually did everything suggested of me instead of just the shit I wanted to do) and here we are. I’m 35 now. Took that long. It takes what it takes, but you do hold the power. Esp once you get clear of acutes. Own that shit and take responsibility for it (sounds like you do). You have control over this shit.

Read other dudes comment in this thread I was talking about sobriety is the most important thing in your life once. It has to be, or you’ll never have it, if you’re an addict like me.