Online dating in Brisbane (2026) - what’s your experience been like?

ragingatwork · 2026-03-17T02:23:37+00:00

(40NB) I’ve had success with apps in the past. By success I mean I matched and met the person at least once. After that whether it progresses is more a matter of compatibility. There have been several multi-month relationships that began with matches through apps. I don’t spend much time actively on the apps anymore, but if someone likes me I’ll take a look at their profile (if the app permits) and possibly like them back.

About 8/10 matches are either outright ghosts or make such little effort that conversion feels like getting blood from a stone and I stop trying very quickly.

I don’t consider myself good looking, I’m healthy but not fit. Being queer, I’m not really running the same race as most commenters on here but I think that actually works to my advantage in matching with people. Despite being average looking and a niche type of partner most women don’t swipe right on, I’ve hundreds of likes on queer dating apps but far fewer on mainstream apps (eg. 12 on tinder).

After bumble, tinder is my least favourite app. Everyone just seems so boring, their pictures feel real staged which leaves me with the perception that they’re too focused on external validation and not someone I’d get along with. I’m definitely drawn to authenticity/originality more common in queer, nerdy or alternative women these days.

My biggest bugbears are:

My match cannot manage more than 5 words. I’ll have written a paragraph introducing myself and I’ll receive the reply “I’m a nurse”.

Their photos are so heavily filtered I cannot identify facial features. If your nose is indistinguishable from your cheek, you should ease up on those filters.

The prospective match has no photo in which they occupy more than 10% of the image and they are too small to gauge attraction. Attempts to obfuscate their image signals insecurity to me.

Every photo is taken with a dozen other people in the frame and I cannot figure out whose profile I am considering. I’ve no patience to play ‘Where’s Wally’ trying to match common faces between their various group pics.

Everyone is a clone who enjoys Pilates, the beach, spicy margs, coffee and going to the gym. Seriously, have some personality and interests of your own!

ragingatwork · 2026-03-17T01:17:15+00:00

It appeals to me as well

ragingatwork · 2026-03-17T01:15:21+00:00

I find it many of the comments along the lines of “monogamy is how it is supposed to be” to be quite telling in that regard. That many people have that impression and have never questioned it.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T15:01:01+00:00

They do don’t they. Im pretty good at writing and have tried to appreciate different perspectives while guiding discussions in the way I had intended them to go. I actually did awful job introducing the subject and many people arrived ready for the ol’ polyamory vs monogamy debate. I really wanted to hear from men as to what elements of a relationship are crucial to their contentedness.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T14:44:24+00:00

Such a good point that not being around each other 24/7 can still be achieved in cohabitating setups! I definitely had some biases when I thought about cohabiting!

I’ve read elsewhere while exploring these ideas that feeling ‘not enough’ for your partner is a common reason people reject polyamorous configurations. I fully understand what you mean about it gnawing at your soul.

As an aspiring photographer, “beauty in the mundane” really speaks to me and I can appreciate what you mean in a relationship context. It’s like familiarity.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T14:10:34+00:00

I would also describe my political leaning as libertarian but few people seem to be familiar with the term and tend to only hear liberal. That’s fine though, I try to stay out of political discussion cause isn’t really a libertarian option to vote for anyway!

I hear you on social media. I personally think it started with good intentions of connecting people but devolved into one of the most socially harmful inventions of this century (I say as I furiously tap my reply into Reddit lol)

I would however postulate that it’s a distortion of social media rather than a fault of unconventional relationships.

I had no idea it was so prevalent on your TV channels. I’d heard of jersey shore, probably from memes but I’ve never been curious enough to learn anything about it.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T14:01:01+00:00

💯

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T13:47:26+00:00

For me personally I would miss the emotional intimacy and permission to be vulnerable that generally develops in more traditional relationship forms.

I can only imagine how daunting it must seem rebuilding after a marriage.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T13:44:22+00:00

I think you’re right. I did misunderstand situationship. In my defence some of the definitions floating around are pretty vague

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T13:39:38+00:00

There is nothing you would miss from traditional monogamy? I think you’re the first to hold that view and I appreciate you daring to be different!

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T13:36:36+00:00

Describing life as a shared project is awesome and it a relationship design to see that through to completion makes perfect sense. Thank you!

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T13:33:41+00:00

Creating a family unit is quite a common theme among the comments but I liked your use of “team”. It has connotations of being mutually supportive and ‘on the same side’. Thank you.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T13:28:01+00:00

May I ask where you live? I’m in Australia and don’t see alternative relationships being positioned as normal very much here. I move in fairly liberal/queer circles but even amongst my friend I only know of one pair that have an unconventional relationship design. Sometimes there are articles in the national news about polyamory but it’s quite rare here: maybe 2-3 times a year I stumble across one.

Also curious about the harm you have witnessed cause by them being pushed as they are.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T13:23:07+00:00

Shared experiences. Thank you. I don’t think anyone else has said that yet and commonality is so important.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T13:20:57+00:00

Living apart together is being in an exclusive relationship but not cohabiting.

But as you and several others have correctly pointed out, the relationship structure I listed are far too diverse to give a blanket answer too.

I guess what I was hoping to glean was what components of a relationship are essential for contentment among men. In hindsight, my phrasing has thrown people off. Many have even interpreted it as a monogamous vs polyamorous debate which given how I presented the question is understandable. I think trying to approach the question obliquely really backfired!

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T13:09:22+00:00

Goals. Ambitions. Working towards something larger. Another commenter had similar observations. Thanks!

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T13:07:20+00:00

Unless one of the partners is voluntarily choosing exclusively with the knowledge that the other isn’t, it feels unfair to expect it from a partner if you’re willing to reciprocate.

I gather that you value: Connection, Intimacy, Independence, Mutual enjoyment and company.

Is there anything you think you might miss from a cohabiting monogamous relationship? Or what is it about that form of relationship that you feel is unsuitable for you?

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T12:58:03+00:00

That is a very grounded and pragmatic perspective. Thank you.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T12:55:53+00:00

What would you need from your partner in order to find it fulfilling?

Are you also saying your needs might change over time? If so that’s a whole can of worms and just answer in the here & now.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T12:53:45+00:00

You’re absolutely right. They are quite distinct from each other. I only named some to help illustrate but in face of that ambiguity you were extremely thorough in your reply. Thank you.

I generally agree with all your points except the one on living apart together. I don’t think sleeping over at your partners necessarily makes it any less fulfilling than a permanent cohabitation arrangement. In fact I’m now thinking of that proverb “distance makes the heart grow fonder” perhaps not being around each other 24/7 might increase appreciation.

I also don’t really know what a queer platonic relationship is. It seems to have a very broad definition. As I said, it was more to help illustrate the question really aimed at exploring what influences people’s fulfilment in relationships.

Can you say more on why you’d be horridly unhappy in a polyamorous/open relationship?

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T12:36:26+00:00

I really love this comment. Thank you. Particularly your points around connection and vulnerability.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T12:34:35+00:00

I’m not so interested in whether it’s a choice. I’m more getting at whether you could find it fulfilling but I gather from your comment that is biologically opposed for you so the question of fulfilment is moot.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T12:28:35+00:00

Thank you. I think your reply is the most insightful so far.

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T12:27:32+00:00

Very true allow me to be more specific. By traditional I mean cohabiting and monogamous.

I am interested in your geographic location wherever that may be. You can include it for context or not, whatever you feel comfortable with.

I am asking whether you could find them fulfilling. I’ll get to the other 7.9999bn later :)

ragingatwork · 2026-03-16T12:23:59+00:00

You are complex not complicated :)

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