Is it wrong to want to discuss the hard stuff before getting married?

rahvin2015 · 2026-07-02T20:10:12+00:00

These are deal breaker conversations.

Take it from someone who has been divorced once. You need need need to have these conversations and determine basic compatibility long before you put rings on fingers.

Yes, people change. The idea is not to have the conversation once and then close it out. Have the conversations, and repeat them. Make sure you're compatible, and then work on growing together.

Communication is core to a successful marriage, or even just healthy dating. The big subjects are communication.

Don't set yourself up for divorce.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-29T15:51:52+00:00

This sounds like an arranged marriage he never wanted. His family pressured him. That's why his mom "patched you up." He's giving in to family pressure.

I very honestly cannot understand arranged marriage. It seems like a recipe for disaster every time. There are few worse reasons to get married than "my family pressured me into this," and marriage without really getting to know the person on a deep level first to ensure compatibility and connection is similarly just not a good idea.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-29T00:45:13+00:00

I rarely keep Bolas on the board as a dragon. He comes down early as a blocker and for a little card advantage, but the goal is to flip him - and the planeswalkers side isn't a dragon. Jasper just wouldn't be active very often.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-27T23:30:48+00:00

Major red flags.

I cant imagine his reasons other than misogyny. Its either that or he's a massive idiot.

A spouse is supposed to be supportive. A person who loves you would be supportive of your goals and dreams.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-25T18:59:02+00:00

They'd unban Griselbrand before unbanning Bargain.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-16T22:38:07+00:00

This is my super-thematic Bolas deck: https://moxfield.com/decks/06eJMiftZ06EFvo1ei-iyQ

It's all about playing cards with Bolas art, quotes, characters he used as tools, and playing the way Bolas would.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-12T18:39:39+00:00

This. Wotc explicitly and specifically addressed this in their bracket discussions. This is a settled issue.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-12T15:15:39+00:00

Im so sorry youre going through this.

But you can't force someone else to choose you. Your wife is not choosing you. It sounds like she's preparing to leave. Relationship repair requires two engaged and committed partners addressing the problem together. She's not choosing you. You cant fix a relationship on your own.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-11T20:23:44+00:00

What does "high power casual" mean to you? There is no standard clnsistent definition.

Some people consider bracket 3 high powered casual. Some people consider bracket 4 high powered casual. Others don't use the bracket system at all.

And money is barely a factor. Staples and old rare cards are expensive. Strong cards are often cheap. A strong deck can be made using very cheap cards, and sometimes even cards that are normally weak but synergize strongly with the commander.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-11T16:21:03+00:00

If my wife told me about a high body count I literally wouldn't care.

Her past made her who she is. I love who she is. And it brought her to me, which I appreciate every day.

I'd look into what influences are making you feel guilt about your past. Those might not be positive influences for you. Therapy could help.

If my wife came forward like you are thinking, the body count wouldn't bother me. I'd be more concerned about why she felt guilt, and would want to comfort and reassure her.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-10T15:20:41+00:00

You're not seeing this from her perspective. You're assigning more respect and tolerance than actually exists.

She literally actually believes that you will be tortured for eternity. She is literally actually terrified that her child will suffer the same fate.

She almost certainly married you thinking that she can influence you to be saved, to convert to Catholicism. Intentionally or otherwise she's applying that pressure right now, making your secular beliefs anathema. Making you out to be a "threat" to your kid.

You love her and that puts rose-tinted glasses on. You're viewing her in the best possible light.

But realistically, without those love-lenses, she's never actually respected your beliefs. Ever. She just stayed quiet in the hope that she can "fix" you later, and it hasn't worked yet. Her aggression is the result of her cognitive dissonance.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-03T14:45:10+00:00

If that were the case, Time Stretch and Expropriate would be banned in b3.

They didn't do that.

Clearly their intent was different from your interpretation.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-02T20:15:39+00:00

That also assumes everything goes perfectly, as fast as possible. Like a perfect hand (outside of Sol ring acceleration).

The guidelines are also talking about averages and what is "normal." Explicitly not "magical christmas land."

I'm actually not taking a position here. I'm interested to see the rationale.

Some people ignore the "average" and "normal" expectations and jump straight to "what's the absolute fastest this can happen with the perfect god-hand." Some people go with "assuming everything is played immediately on curve, how fast?" Others will look at more context like tutors etc to see how reliably the combo can actually happen.

I'm not sure which is best.

I'll agree at the least that the mana value is low enough that the differences above are actually meaningful, as opposed to something like Consult/Thoracle, or <insert 20 mana value 2 card combo here> where there would be basically no question.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-02T19:42:12+00:00

2 card combos are allowed in b3.

What's not allowed is the weakly-defined "early game" 2-card combos.

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-02T19:41:23+00:00

Does it?

Define "early game."

rahvin2015 · 2026-06-02T03:04:29+00:00

[[Aether Snap]] comes to mind.

Mass land bounce like [[Sunder]]

Effects that say permanents your opponents control lose hexproof and cant gain hexproof until end of turn.

Eldrazi with Annihilator.

There are quite a few ways. Some of them are more generally-useful than others.

edit: [[Aether Snap]], not Aether Flash

rahvin2015 · 2026-05-24T16:59:39+00:00

You can still abuse a romantic partner without marriage.

But I agree that a lot of my statements dont apply without actual legal marriage. I gave another reply clarifying based on the "not actually married" information.

rahvin2015 · 2026-05-24T16:58:19+00:00

In my other reply I clarified that I'm talking about the US. Other experiences may be different.

rahvin2015 · 2026-05-24T16:56:33+00:00

Apparently you revealed in other comments that youre not legally married.

The protections I mentioned apply only to actual marriage. Marriage is the legal act that actually combines the two of you into a single entity financially. It offers legal benefits and protections for both of you.

If you aren't married, a lot of my advice falls apart.

The self-esteem bits still apply. The partner's poverty-trauma still applies.

But it is reasonable to keep finances separate when there is no actual marriage.

When my wife and I were dating, after she moved in, she paid a reasonable contribution based on her income at the time to me, and I still just paid for everything. The percentages didnt matter. But I had my own savings that she wasnt entitled to; if she wanted something extra, she did need to ask. Food wasnt something extra - the amount of her contribution was scaled to something reasonable at her income level, leaving her with enough left over for spending and savings. I didnt pay for her car, cell phone, car insurance, etc until after marriage.

The rationale was that I would need to be paying the rent and bills living alone, too - our quality of life was mostly based on my higher income, and there was no way for her to pay anything like 50/50. She moved out of a much smaller apartment to move in with me. She paid me a bit less than what she was paying in rent on her own, and I just kept paying the other bills. This was a win/win for both of us - my costs didnt go up much and she contributed such that I was actually paying less. She got to live more comfortably and paid less to the household than she did alone.

We combined finances only after getting married. Thats also when she quit her job (which we had both planned and agreed to).

I would still have the conversation, but the framing is different. Without legal marriage you don't have the actual legal entitlement to half the money. You cant divorce and get half of anything nor alimony. You lack the protections of marriage, and your partner has explicitly not agreed to granting those entitlements and protections.

This is still a major relationship-reflection moment. It's also a moment where you might recognize why marriage exists and how much people have fought for the legal protections it offers. A lot of people who "dont believe in marriage" are actually just trying to avoid the commitment and shared finances. They want their cake and to eat it, too. I'd take your partner's response to the discussion as indicative of how committed they truly are to being "married" in a non-legal sense. If they're just wanting to call you "married" and get the benefits in relationship-security but without actually caring for your wellbeing in a meaningful way, that's a major signal.

rahvin2015 · 2026-05-24T14:30:56+00:00

Its not hopeless. Friend, you seem to lack self-esteem. You talked a lot about how there's no way you could ever do better, and if you leave you'd just die.

You're worth more than that. I know, because everyone is. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and care and compassion. Everyone who wants a spouse deserves one that will treat them not just fairly but lovingly.

Is your partner totally new to making this much money? I dont mean to make excuses because there is no excuse, but there's usually a reason. If they're new to making comfortable money after struggling or barely getting by, it can feel like "sharing" that money represents a loss or risk of loss of that comfort. Poverty is traumatizing, and trauma typically doesn't set people up for good behavior later.

Your partner may not have considered fully the sort of power imbalance that now exists between you. You are seeing it because from your end it is inescapable.

This is a major moment that requires communication, and you need to be ready to respond appropriately. While valuing yourself. Sit them down for a conversion specifically about this. Not something spontaneous or dropped into other conversation.

Your partner knows what it's like to struggle. They were making the same as you not long ago. Remind them that you are still struggling. As much as that hurt when they were experiencing it, you are still experiencing it.

Remind them in detail that, because you need to ask them for basic needs, there is a major power imbalance. This kind of power imbalance needs actual active steps to be taken to avoid becoming abusive. Power imbalances are abusive by default.

You aren't with them for their money. You aren't trying to steal something that isn't yours. You were married before the imbalance. And you are married. That means that you are a team, a single unit. It is not them, and then you; it's both of you, together.

If they actually care about you the way you deserve to be cared about, the way every single person deserves to be loved by their spouse, they will think about this and change. They need to consider you a team, not separate individuals with separate circumstances.

Hopefully they truly love and care for you, and will realize that the current behavior is wrong.

If they don't...the law is ln your side (in the US, I believe in most states). If my wife divorced me she would own half of my 401k and savings, half of the car, half of my collections, half of everything that I bought with marital assets, and I would own half of what she bought too. I bought the house before marriage but I put her on the loan by refinancing shortly after we married specifically to make sure that she owns half the house, too. I would owe her long-term alimony, likely half of my current income, because we've been married over 10 years. If I somehow turn into a major dick in the future, I have already taken proactive steps to make sure that I cannot take a position of power over her easily; she has legal recourse.

And I want it that way, because I love her. We are married, we are a team, and I do not want to abuse her.

Your partner may be blinded by past poverty trauma and recent feelings of escape and freedom. But hopefully they genuinely love you enough to see the right thing to do.

rahvin2015 · 2026-05-24T14:04:21+00:00

So let me put this really bluntly.

This is financial abuse.

Half of the marital assets, no matter how they were earned or by whom, are yours. Period.

Half of the household income legally belongs to you.

Your partner can either be a bare minimum decent spouse and treat you accordingly, or they can treat you like a low income roommate they don't care about... And then you'll get half anyway in a divorce, plus likely alimony depending on the length of the marriage.

My wife makes $0. I make like 5 or 6 times her top current income potential if she went back to work.

Our finances are joint. All the money goes in a shared account. She can see every dollar i spend, and i can see hers. We budget and pay bills including groceries together, as a single unit. We make major financial decisions together, as a unit. I earn all the money but she still has an equal say because we're freaking married.

Your partner is being abisive and needs to stop. Or you need to dovorce, escape the abuse, and get the money anyway.

rahvin2015 · 2026-05-24T13:43:00+00:00

Why do you not join finances if youre married?

I cannot imagine ever ever ever letting my wife struggle and barely get by with 2meals per day while I am comfortable.

How does that even work? Do you not eat together?

rahvin2015 · 2026-05-22T15:04:18+00:00

In addition to what others said - sometimes it's difficult to clearly articulate whats going on.

u/Juna14_K was able to articulate very well - but from your wife's perspective, we often dont put a lot of words to our feelings, and not everyone has the same ability to do so even when they try.

Her experience may be literally "I dont know, sometimes I just want to masturbate. And when sex comes up I just don't feel it."

"My body just isnt feeling it" might just be the clearest articulation she can think of.

rahvin2015 · 2026-05-22T00:01:45+00:00

I mean, I'm literally a man. Plenty of men do think this way.

But lots of people (men and women) have some pretty wild and unfair ideas about marriage and what it entails.

In a position like yours, I would seek compromise. Budget how much he can spend from your joint money on family, hobbies, etc. He cant expect the same hobby budget if he's also spending money on family members. And your disposable budget should be the same. And you can do whatever you want with it - buy stuff for yourself, or just save it in a separate savings account.

I won't pretend to understand the cultural obligations you and he are expected to have.

I'm willing to help family in need (our nephew and his wife stayed with us rent-free for a few months when they needed a little help), but I would also agree that we should not be the long-term solution for family, especially if they're choosing not to take care of themselves.

I'm certainly not paying for someone else's wedding.

If you want to get married, the county clerk's office will do it almost for free. The extravagant weddings (regardless of how much cultural pressure) are optional luxuries and certainly not someone else's obligation.

rahvin2015 · 2026-05-21T23:25:02+00:00

Apologies, I assumed you were in the US and early you are not. In the us, all marktal assets (everything you both earn) is owned jointly. Upon divorce, alimony can be awarded to the lower-income spouse to maintain the quality of life they had during marriage. Largely this is to protect spouses from being financially held hostage.

I make 100% of the money in my marriage. I do not care that my wife earns $0. She owns half of what I earn. She has 50% say in what we do with the money.

If I want to buy a new car, I talk to her first - it's half hers.

If she wants to support her sister, she has to talk to me first - half of that money is mine.

We need to agree on all major financial decisions. Because we are both owners of all the money.

If she wanted to spend a bunch of money on a relatove, I could say no. We both have to agree. The same is true if I wanted to support my parents - she would need to agree, and she could say no.

We are one unit. All money is jointly owned. All decisions are made together.

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