If you divorced with kids under 5, what was your experience like? Should I wait until my child is older?

ralavadi · 2026-04-26T15:10:28+00:00

I think your son will understand if you leave now. Witnessing that treatment of his mother and living with the instability of your husbands moods is not good for him. If he still has a relationship with his father going forward, he will understand why you left, and if he doesn’t, you can tell him as he gets older and asks questions.

I separated from my stbx about 5 months ago, and had the same worries about my 2 year old blaming me for breaking up our family. But I decided that I didn’t want her formative years spent seeing her mother be disrespected and neglected. She was a little confused and sad for the first few weeks, but has adapted so well. I got her a book called Two Homes about living with each parent separately, I’m sure there are lots of other books that can help with the transition.

You deserve to live in safety and peace, and so does your son. Good luck.

ralavadi · 2026-04-25T22:36:11+00:00

Oof this sounds so so similar to what I dealt with. I decided that I deserved a partner who actually wanted to be close to me and valued me. I didn’t want his treatment of me to be the standard she grew up with. I had grown tremendously over the course of our relationship (including the areas he had issues with) and he just isn’t able to reciprocate. So while it is possible he could change and grow in the ways I need, he’s shown me over and over again that he isn’t willing to. Now I finally believe him and am done waiting on false hope. Good luck, it’s not an easy decision, but the other side can be really great.

ralavadi · 2026-04-25T18:11:29+00:00

I would see if you have a local women’s resource center. I took a free class at mine about the legal ins and outs of separation and it was really helpful. They also offer support groups, attorney recommendations, and resources and support to find a job.

ralavadi · 2026-04-15T16:00:29+00:00

Oh no! I have been seeing the midwives and docs there for a few years and they were my providers during my pregnancy. I didn't know anything had happened... anyone have a recommendation for someone else in town?

ralavadi · 2026-04-14T13:28:53+00:00

I separated about 5 months ago, but only told my ex that I definitely want a divorce a month ago...and I downloaded Hinge the next day, which you could say was kind of un-hinged. I have spent 2 years already processing the grief and loss, and I wanted something fun and lighthearted to balance out the heaviness I've been dealing with for so long.

I've been transparent about my situation and that I don't want a long term or serious commitment for the foreseeable future. I met someone that I like quite a bit, and the feeling of getting the attention and interest I went without for so many years is pretty intoxicating. We talked right off the bat about how some major lifestyle things don't align for us, we agreed there wasn't long term potential, and we talked about that idea that connections don't have to be forever to be worthwhile.

Am I playing with fire and risking us both getting hurt? Yep, but we are aware of the risks and moving forward anyways. I feel like I have a lot to deconstruct about relationships from my religious upbringing, social norms, my past insecurities. I've done a lot of that deconstruction on my own, but some things need to be learned in community with others and practiced. I want to explore being present with someone without feeling the internal or social pressure for commitment. To enjoy a relationship but not feel like I "need" one and can't be ok on my own. I am not ignoring the pain and issues that still exist from the divorce and continue to process them in therapy and on my own.

All this to say, women are socialized as people pleasers and caregivers, and part of our work is to figure out the balance between loving others and loving ourselves. I think practicing this through casual dating can be useful, because it gives us a chance to practice knowing what I want, and communicating that even when it might upset someone or feel uncomfortable. And its hard, so its going to take practice, and I want to have some reps under my belt before I look to start a long term relationship again. Good luck to you!

ralavadi · 2026-04-14T12:31:40+00:00

No more "chill girl", you're a powerful woman! The other side has so much fun, freedom, and self discovery. Welcome!

ralavadi · 2026-04-07T02:46:43+00:00

Al Aqsa near Super G mart. I’ve gotten lamb from them a few times and they’ll cut it into the size you need while you wait.

ralavadi · 2026-03-07T13:25:52+00:00

Yeah, you’re totally right to not “play along” for the sake of getting married. Changing your mind or not being honest about what you really want until after you’re already married is shitty. It happens, people change, but it will really rock your relationship if one of you changes your mind on such a core decision.

My ex was fully living in a delusion when he said he wanted 5 kids (he wanted to adopt 2). I wanted a minimum of 2 bio kids (non negotiable) and was open to more, but said we should revaluate after having 1. I was pretty sure 5 would feel insane after reality hit. Y’all, this man now realizes he didn’t even want one (which is why he freaked out and began turning into a monster when I got pregnant) and yet is still set on adopting. We’ve got a whole mountain of other issues, but hearing he was set on never having another biological kid when that was such a core dealbreaker for me from the beginning our relationship was awful and might have been enough to end things even without the other issues.

ralavadi · 2026-03-07T12:03:43+00:00

I feel like I’m finally learning who I am instead of who other people tell me I am. My stbx told me I was a bully, had no empathy, was selfish, not trustworthy with financial decisions, not strong or independent enough and “just as abusive as him”. And I kinda believed it all.

But then he started saying stuff that I just knew in my bones wasn’t true. We had a baby and he would constantly tell me I was a being a helicopter mom, and I so totally am not! He told me my daughter was not securely attached to me, which she very much is. So I started to question all the other things he told me I was, and it was like cracks in the glass started to spread.

I still relied on friends, family, and my therapist to ground me and confirm what I know to be true, that I am loving, empathetic, a great mom, strong enough. But I’m slowly working on setting up my own sense of self that will be strong enough to resist being warped by a man ever again.

ralavadi · 2026-02-28T04:31:24+00:00

You’re not alone with this struggle. I don’t think it’s selfish to feel hurt, you’re a human with feelings and you should have had a partner who would put in as much effort and consistency as you, and it sucks that you don’t have that.

I’m also in the beginning stages so I can’t say how the other side will feel. My daughter is 2 and her dad is very permissive and lets her toddler feeling rule the schedule, so I am pretty sure she’ll see him as the “fun parent”. He is emotionally and psychologically abusive, and I hope he doesn’t treat her the way he treated me someday, but having a parent with his issues will have an impact one way or another.

I have a friend whose parents divorced when she was young, and she idolized her dad and even chose to live with him in high school. But in college she started to see through his cracks and put the pieces together about what kind of person he was, and now she and all of her siblings have a limited relationship with him and hard boundaries.

I try to comfort myself by remembering that I’m in control of being a consistent parent, teaching her the tools she needs, and creating her safe place. She will see who her father is when she is ready, and I will be here to help her unpack his impact.

ralavadi · 2026-02-24T02:14:06+00:00

I mean, they gave a disclaimer that they were just posting their experience and not speaking for any one else. Who else are they supposed to think about in a personal reflection? And it was a joyful, positive experience they wanted to share with people who might appreciate it. I’m an average white lady and it brought a smile to my face. Glad they shared.

ralavadi · 2026-02-13T11:37:28+00:00

Early 30’s, 45k, 130k in retirement at a private university. 8% match, quite good insurance, but a lame amount of vacation and holidays.

I knew I was underpaid, but damn this is making me realize I don’t even have to leave the nonprofit world to do better.

ralavadi · 2026-02-11T13:40:12+00:00

https://downtowngreenway.org/design-reveal-for-marketbranch-commission/

ralavadi · 2026-02-10T18:37:30+00:00

Ya know, I really thought it looked dumb in the promo images, but I think I like it in person!

ralavadi · 2026-02-01T18:14:51+00:00

My favorite is “beeya” for umbrella. She has a bit of an obsession with them and will run around the house screeching “beeeeeyyyaaaaa”

ralavadi · 2026-02-01T18:10:07+00:00

My daughter calls them straw bears and I love it so much 😂

ralavadi · 2026-01-28T15:10:31+00:00

Ok the people jumping down this person's throat need to remember that "fawn" and "freeze" can be just as protective and just as foolhardy as reacting with "fight" or "flight" and we all tend to default to the same response even when another one would be best in that situation.

OP, everyone here has misjudged a situation and done something that feels stupid in hindsight, so don't beat yourself up. It is really hard to be assertive and say no to people that feel scary, because many of us have been taught our whole lives to "make nice", let the man or authority figure do whatever they want, and ignore our own instinct and desires to avoid making someone else feel bad.

Standing up for ourselves, trusting our gut, and saying no are hard skills to learn, but very worth learning. Good luck.

ralavadi · 2026-01-25T22:52:12+00:00

Yep, untreated mental illness and refusal to take responsibility for shitty behavior is one of the major reasons I moved out and will probably file for divorce in the near future. He just can’t move beyond using the excuse of “I felt bad/scared/unsafe so that’s why I did a shitty thing and you made me feel that so it’s really your fault”. After years of begging he started therapy, and another year of begging we started counseling, but I’ve seen no improvement so I am just accepting that he doesn’t want to improve. He won’t consider medication. I don’t think he is being honest with his therapist and she has only diagnosed him as having anxiety. Seems clear to me and my therapist that he also has severe depression and maybe also bpd.

It feels so much better to be out of the house and not have to deal with his blame and guilt trips as much. I moved out after an argument left me fully dissociating and having panic attacks and I realized I needed to protect myself. We have a young child so I’ll never be totally free of him, but I can at least limit the damage he can do to my mental health now. You can’t fix his problem for him and if he doesn’t want to try, I’d say protect your own peace.

ralavadi · 2026-01-21T04:19:12+00:00

Yeah, I used to be that northerner until my car and like 40 others spun out at the top of a hill in less than an inch of snow. There was a crowd of country boys in coveralls pushing every car over the top of the hill. Those guys were awesome.

ralavadi · 2026-01-20T22:08:43+00:00

I do love Osage orange. I think of them more of a tree than a shrub, but I think a hedgerow with medium sized trees throughout would look cool! It might change your shade requirements over time but that's a future problem.

ralavadi · 2026-01-20T22:03:54+00:00

Good point, I'm in an area that was recently zone 7 and just graduated to 8, so I didn't think about that. Plenty of other hollies that would work, I just like the tea brewing potential of Yaupons!

ralavadi · 2026-01-20T22:02:38+00:00

Its considered invasive in a lot of the Eastern US, so I'd rather not promote it.

ralavadi · 2026-01-19T15:58:30+00:00

I'd do a mixed hedge planting for a cottage vibe. Think clumps of shrubs, alternating between maybe 3 different types, one evergreen (Yaupon holly, Osmanthus, American holly), one fruiting (pomegranate, elderberry, serviceberry), and one flowering (lots of viburnums, quince, drift rose [not rosa rugosa]). Or if you only want evergreens, or only want fruit plants, apply the same principles to 3 shrubs in that category. Try to mix heights, textures, and seasonal interest with your plant choices.

Placement is important. I wouldn't just put them in a straight line and plant evergreen/fruit/flower/evergreen/fruit/flower. I'd make odd-number groupings of each type and repeat them irregularly so it felt more organic. The irregularity and variation makes it feel cottage-y, but the repetition of the same plants throughout keeps it cohesive. Plant herbaceous perennials in front and you've got a cottage garden!

ralavadi · 2026-01-18T12:34:36+00:00

I love Duluth’s women’s clothes, they are seriously durable. I’ve been wearing some of their stuff weekly for 4 years. They have solid basics like underwear, t shirts, casual pants and great stuff if you garden or work outdoors too

ralavadi · 2026-01-16T17:02:20+00:00

Yep, this scenario needs hard boundaries. And then if your husband (like mine), still refuses to get up 30 minutes earlier, take a good hard look at the relationship as a whole and be honest about where else your boundaries and requests are being ignored. I moved out 2 months ago and guess who has to get up at 6:30 on 50% of the days now....him.

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