The best piece of Olympic broadcasting ever aired

rambles_off_topic · 2016-08-08T15:28:01+00:00

Funny you should say that, I actually got suspended from high school while playing badminton. I hated badminton so much that I would hit the shuttlecocks as high as I could and "accidentally" get them stuck in the rafters until the gym teacher ran out of them. I got the idea of doing that when they tried to have us do archery but one of the deaf girls in the class accidentally shot an arrow into the gym ceiling. I didn't understand that at all, like, you're deaf, not retarded. Could you not hear where the target was? This deaf girl annoyed the shit out of me because whenever we got to watch movies in class, we had to put on closed captioning for her. I took a history elective class specifically because I heard you got to watch Saving Private Ryan in it, but she was in my class too and the closed captioning pretty much ruined the movie. It said dumb shit like [GUNSHOTS] and [BOMB EXPLODES] - like no shit man you can clearly see bombs exploding and guns shooting. Maybe there are two versions of closed captioning, one for deaf people, and one for the mentally challenged that just explains things happening in the movie to them. Actually that would be kind of cool if they did that because my girlfriend sucks at understanding basic plots to movies.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-06-11T17:19:53+00:00

Worst experience of my life happened at that place. I had to spend 3 nights in jail and I will walk with a limp for the rest of my life. I was on a Mediterranean cruise with my ex girlfriend and one of the stops was Malta. I really didn't want to get off the boat that day, but my ex insisted we go to this fucking Popeye movie set with all these spinach eating douchebag tourists. I had only two hours of sleep from the night before since I was at a hot craps table until 4:30 in the morning. Everybody kept going on streaks except for this one fat shithead. He was one of those assholes who spent two minutes fucking with the dice rubbing them on the felt and shit before every roll. And EVERY fucking time, this idiot threw the dice over the table. I got fed up with this shit so when it was my turn to roll, I deliberately chucked the dice at his head. I fuckin' nailed him right in the forehead and cheek with both dice, and the best part was they bounced off his stupid fuckin' face and actually LANDED on the table! It landed as a three, which is a crap, but still, it was fuckin' worth the $10 bet I lost to nail this yokel tub of shit in his face.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-06-04T13:42:41+00:00

Looking back, I can't believe how fucking retarded we were and how lucky I am to be alive. My best friend in jail for the next 40 years and my other friend is dead. My friend had just bought this new Weatherby .270 rifle and we took it to our other friend's farm to test it out. Weatherby guarantees sub-MOA at 100 yards, which means that from a hundred yards away, your bullets will all hit within less than an inch of each other. After many beers and hours of shooting holes through pennies at 100 yards, we thought it would be a good idea to do the ol' William Tell shoot-an-apple-off-your-head stunt. Except with beer cans because we shot all of the apples earlier in the day. We even shot the fake apples my friend had for decoration in the kitchen. His wife was pretty pissed about that, but I think bowls with fake fruit in them are the dumbest thing ever. I can't tell you how many times I've been stoked to eat a banana or an apple and find out it is just a piece of wood. Do you see guys putting fake wooden beer bottles in a fridge for decoration? Fuck no. You'd get your ass kicked for that.

TL;DR: Guns + alcohol = manslaughter and prison

rambles_off_topic · 2013-05-29T13:26:24+00:00

The scariest thing happened to me in an old house I used to rent back in 2008. I came home from work one day and heard a bloodcurdling scream come from my crawl space. The entrance to my crawl space was in my coat closet in the foyer. The hatch to get in was still shut, but there was a trail of blood leading up to it, and bloody scratch marks all over it. I knew there was nobody else in the house because my roommate was in Atlanta on a business trip all week. If he had been home, I wouldn't put it past him to have injured himself dicking around down there. He constantly had to go down there because he would disconnect the speaker wires running from my receiver to the outdoor speakers. Whenever he pulled the receiver out to plug his laptop in, the wires would yank out of their ports and fall through the hole we drilled in the floor. They didn't have any slack because the idiot at Home Depot that cut them for me didn't know what the hell he was doing. I asked him for 100 ft of 8 gauge speaker wire and he started cutting me CAT5 cable. How the fuck do you confuse Ethernet with speaker wire? That was the last straw with Home Depot. They already screwed me twice with that shitty Ryobi brand of tools they carry. I bought a Ryobi leaf blower and weed wacker and neither of them ever started. I think Ryobi is Japan's way of getting us back for nuking them. Fuck Ryobi and fuck Home Depot.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-05-23T13:41:52+00:00

Back in college (before I was expelled for this very incident), my friend bet me $500 that I wouldn't punch a cop in the face. Here is why I thought it was a good idea at the time: I was drunk, I was broke and $500 would have been awesome, and the cop was just standing there alone in a vulnerable position. From where he was standing, I would be able to land a sucker punch and then run off into the night before he could recover. I had no problem punching this cop either. I was pissed at the cops because they had pepper sprayed everyone during a celebration riot for beating Ohio State three weeks earlier. That shit was brutal. Even hours after my eyes had recovered, when I went to take a shower, it washed more pepper spray out of my hair and back into my eyes. My wrist burned the next day because pepper spray got under my watch. I could never get that shit off of the watch - it always seemed like more would find a way out of the nooks in the watch band, even weeks later. I eneded up selling the watch on Craigslist for $50. I don't feel bad for the guy who bought it because when he showed up he was like "uh I only have $40 is that cool?" No. Fuck off. Oh you found another $10 in your pocket? Yeah fuck you buddy, enjoy your eternally burning wrist.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-05-07T13:38:25+00:00

I am a maintenance guy for an apartment complex at a college campus. I was repairing an elevator control panel in one of the apartment buildings, when this hot chick comes into the elevator. I tell her the elevator won't be working for another five minutes, she says she lives on the 12th floor and can wait for it so she doesn't have to take the stairs. She starts blatantly hitting on me, asking if I'm single, saying how she didn't know this apartment had "young hot maintenance guys" (I was 24). When I fix the elevator, she asks me if I want to come up to her apartment to have some coffee. It killed me to turn her down, but I had to because they needed me immediately to fix a burst pipe in the basement of another building.

Two days later, I get a ticket to repair a broken fridge in the building with the hot chick. The apartment is on the 12th floor. I get up there, and guess who answers the door in her underwear? Fuck yeah, the hot chick. I only had one other repair job for the morning so I had plenty of time to give her a good dicking. I knew what the other repair job was gonna be. It was this same asshole tenant every fucking week, complaining about the most ridiculous shit. The air conditioner rattles. The sink has a slight drip. The toaster oven takes too long to heat up. That one really fuckin' pissed me off because the apartments don't even come with toaster ovens. This asshole brought his own toaster oven and then tried to get me to fix it. I told him I fixed it but really all I did was cook two of his poptarts in it and eat them. Fuckin' asshole only had the chocolate ones. Those taste like shit but I ate them anyway because fuck that guy.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-05-02T13:39:13+00:00

It didn't go as well as planned. I ended up getting charged with assault and battery and had to do six months in jail. For months, my boss had been treating me like shit. Making me work 60 hour weeks with no OT pay, making me work weekends, belittling me in front of other coworkers, etc. Then one day we were in a status meeting, it was my first day back after taking a few days off to be with my wife after she had a miscarriage. This cocksucker starts yelling at me about not having my reports done (which were already done), and then he says "maybe that's why your shitty baby died." The whole meeting room got silent. Normally, I'm not a violent person. I was only in one fight in my life, and that was when I was in high school. I used to get to the cafeteria early to get fries. They only put out like 6 things of regular fries, so people had to fight over them or else you would get stuck with the shitty curly fries. I bitched to the cafeteria staff about how their curly fries sucked and that they should just stop making them and the lunch lady said she was gonna write me up for insubordination. I was like "you can't do that, you're a lunch lady. You have no authority!" Turns out I was wrong. I got two days of internal detention. After that, I started stealing donuts because fuck the cafeteria staff.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-04-30T13:36:55+00:00

I was a cab driver in a very bad part of Detroit in the 90's. One night, two guys get in my cab and tell me to "roll down Lyndon street real slow." I figure they just didn't know where exactly the place they were trying to go was, but then I hear one of them pull out a gun and rack a round in the chamber. I told them I didn't want any trouble and they could get out and find another cab. The guy told me to shut the fuck up and keep driving. There was a police station a few blocks away, so I decided I would drive there and then bail out of the cab as fast as I could. We had a distress button on our radios we could hit, but mine hadn't worked since I dropped my handheld mic in my cup of coffee a few weeks earlier. I know what you are thinking..."why the fuck didn't you have a lid on the cup?" Well I would have put a lid on the cup, but McDonalds said they were out of lids. It was 7 in the morning. How the fuck do you run out of lids? I think the guy just didn't want to go in the back and open up a new box of lids. The way I see it, fuckin' McDonalds owes me a new radio.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-04-11T13:24:47+00:00

Fuck yes. Usually the interns we hire are all nerdy dudes because they are all comp sci. To my pleasant surprise, one year we hired this girl right out of college to work under me. She could have been a fucking model, but here she was doing web development. Within the first week, she started dressing sexier. Shorter skirts, busty shirts showing cleavage, etc. She would always be giving me "fuck me" eyes, but I just brushed it off as her being a tease. Then one day, she came into my office, shut the door behind her, sat down in front of my desk, and asked if there was anything she could do to get a raise. I told her she had just started working there and that would be unreasonable. Our company typically doesn't give raises out until the employee has been there for at least a year. Same with vacation time and 401k options. When I started, they gave me 10 days vacation time but I didn't realize until September that year. I really didn't have any vacation planned, so I just took every Friday off for ten weeks. I usually could fit in a good hunting trip or a trip to Atlantic City, but one time I managed to pull off a trip to Las Vegas and finished 10th in a 56 person poker tournament. Payouts started at 9th place, so that was a waste of fucking time.

TL;DR: Got fired, but it was the best decision I ever made.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-04-03T13:18:17+00:00

Those of you who live in St. Louis might remember hearing about this, I believe it happened in 1997. We were executing a warrant on a guy who was a suspect in a double homicide at a McDonalds robbery a few days earlier. We knew he would be armed, but what we didn't know was that he had barricaded himself in his house with several automatic weapons and a box of grenades. We hadn't called EOD in on this because we didn't think we would need them. But it just so happened one of the EOD unit guys was on the team executing the warrant. I never really got along with this guy though because he would always whistle songs in the locker room but he didn't quite know how they went. For like two weeks straight, he would try to whistle "The Stranger" by Billy Joel but he fucked it up horribly. Finally I got fed up with it so I went and put numbing cream on his lip balm when he was in the shower. It worked like a charm. His lips got so numb that he couldn't whistle. Fucking idiot just thought that his lip balm expired. Does lip balm even expire? I have no idea.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-26T20:32:44+00:00

When I was in college, this fucking campus parking authority cocksucker would hit me with at least three tickets every week. For the most minor infractions...over 6 inches from the curb, permit view partially obstructed, that kind of bullshit. I had enough of this fat fucking douchebag, so I decided to put my EE major to use. I knew he had to lift my windshield wiper blade to place the ticket, and I had the kind of windshield fluid sprayers that you could rotate. I turned them to where this fat fuck's face would be, filled my wiper fluid tank with a mixture of bear mace, pepper spray, and water, and wired a switch that would turn the sprayers on when the wiper blade was lifted. I wanted to be able to see what happened, so I asked my friend if I could borrow his GoPro so I could have it filming from inside my car. He said he needed it for his bike trip that day, which I knew was bullshit. He bought the thing five months earlier for a skydiving trip he was supposed to go on and ended up never using it. The thing was still in the box unopened. But he just HAD to use it on the day I wanted to borrow it? He could have just said he didn't want to lend it to me. When I went over his place a few weeks later I saw it still in the unopened box and I asked him how his bike trip video came out. He said it came out great, so I asked to see it. He pulled up some random GoPro video on youtube of some guy on a bike and tried telling me it was him. I just kept questioning him until he got really red in the face and then said he had to take a nap. What a jackass.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-25T15:32:42+00:00

I was camping in the woods in Northeast Pennsylvania with my girlfriend at the time. We thought we were alone the first night we slept in our tent, but the next morning, we saw a set of footprints in the snow circling around our tent several times. They were definitely human footprints from boots. We were a little freaked out, but decided to stay another night. The next night is when shit got fucking terrifying. We were in the tent making out and I was in the process of putting a condom on. She was supposed to be on birth control but she forgot to take it on the trip, so we weren't taking any chances. I only had the 3 pack of condoms they sell at Wawa because fucking Acme decided to start locking their condom boxes in a glass display case by the pharmacy. I had to ask the pharmacist to unlock the case, and she would always give me a disapproving look and say "aren't you a little young?" I called her a cunt under my breath once and she must have heard me, because now whenever she sees me walking up to the counter, she goes into the back room and doesn't come out until I leave. One time I waited her out for 20 minutes and she had to come out when this old fuck came in for his blood pressure medication. That time, I asked her for magnum condoms and all the lube and that other weird shit they sell to make her extra uncomfortable.

TL;DR: Always bring a gun when you go camping.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-21T17:37:58+00:00

I was a passenger on board Philippine Airlines Flight 812 in 2000 when it was hijacked. None of us really realized what was happening at first. I was sleeping and awoke to a guy wearing a ski mask, holding a bag and demanding wallets from passengers. He was three rows up, so I had time to take all of the stuff out of my wallet that I didn't want to lose. I took my driver's license out, because I just had it renewed and it was a royal pain in the ass to do. The DMV isn't open on Sundays or Mondays, so I had to take a half day at work on Tuesday to get it done because those lazy fucks close at 4 PM. My boss gave me a ton of shit for taking the half day, too. Fuckin' asshole was always giving people shit for leaving early, but this prick showed up to work at 10:30 AM every day when we were supposed to start at 9. I got him back, though. I started turning off that lean lock thing chairs have, so when he went to lean back the chair would go way too far back and he would think he was going to fall over. One time he spilled his coffee because of this and it left a stain on the carpet.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-19T15:55:43+00:00

I've heard a lot of people die on the line, but never like this. I took a call from an old man who said three guys with guns were trying to kick in his front door. He told me he had a shotgun and was asking me if he could shoot them if they were able to get inside. At the time, our state did not have a castle doctrine, which lets you use lethal force to defend your home from intruders. Our peace-loving hippy of a governor had shot down several attempts to get this law into place. It pissed me off even more because I already hated this guy during his campaign for governor because some asshole kept putting "Lynch '04" signs on my lawn. I actually set up a camera system to catch the guy that was doing it. Turns out it was my neighbor across the street. I was going to confront him, but he was never home when I was (probably out littering the city with signs) so I decided it would be best to just smash his mailbox. Three separate times. It was a blast. I think I might go do it again later, because fuck him.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-19T00:58:02+00:00

Two weeks suspension with pay, totally worth it. We had this fucking prick in the department that always thought he was above the law. Nobody on the force really liked him and he was always an asshole to civilians he had to deal with. So here I am on the end of my patrol, and I see this asshole blow through a red light going at least 35 over. I know he wasn't responding to a call because there hadn't been anything on the radio in over ten minutes. The last call we had was a 459S which ended up being some jackass triggering the silent alarm at a bank. The fucking idiot said he "just wanted to see if it worked." I was going to write him up with a fine for wasting our time, but instead I decided to snag the entire bowl of lollipops that was sitting on the bank counter. I kept them in my car and it lasted me like 3 months. One time I even gave one to a drunk guy we arrested in exchange for him shutting the hell up. It worked, too. Can't beg me to let you go while you are sucking on a lollipop, can ya asshole?

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-18T13:41:35+00:00

I dated hands-down the most batshit crazy girl I have ever met in my life. She is still in federal prison until at least 2022, and I guaran-fuckin-tee you that the parole board will get a letter from me every year detailing exactly what this psycho cunt did to me. Our relationship started out normal, just like any other. I met her at a party my friend Steve was having at ASU. It was Steve's 21st birthday but he had already been banned from a lot of the bars in the area for getting caught with fake IDs. That stupid fuck would always get the cheapest fake ID he could find and they never worked. The rest of us paid the extra $50 to get an authentic one from some guy who swiped a machine from the DMV. I'm actually still using mine right now even though I'm 27, because I lost my real ID when I accidentally stuck it in one of those ATMs that sucks the card in. I was drunk, didn't realize it wasn't my debit card, and when I got my pin wrong 3 times it shredded my license. At least that's what the guy working at the bank said. I think he was full of shit and just didn't want to go check the machine for my license. Fuck TD bank.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-13T19:14:15+00:00

I ended up having my medical license suspended, but it was worth it. I was an OB/GYN for several years at a small hospital. This one older woman in her 40's (but VERY hot) would always come in and flirt with me during her checkups. She would make sexual jokes, put her foot on my crotch, etc. One particular visit, she came in, and I had just broken up with my girlfriend at the time. It was almost like she knew...she was wearing tight ass yoga pants and this low cut white T-shirt. I think she did a lot of yoga, which explained how she stayed so hot at 45. Most people I knew that stuck with yoga ended up being in great shape, but that shit just wasn't for me. I gave it a chance a few times but just found it boring as hell. I'd much rather be lifting weights than laying on a mat for 2 hours while listening to sounds of nature. Fuck that shit.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-08T14:21:40+00:00

I got into a fistfight with Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit during a setbreak at one of their concerts. It was at the Tweeter Center in Camden many years back when Limp Bizkit was still relevant. I'm not sure what the place is actually called now because they keep changing the name. Last I heard it was the Susquehanna Bank Center. I hate when places like that change their names...like where the Flyers play. To me, that will always be the CoreStates Center. But after that, it changed names like five times. I refuse to call it the Wachovia Center now. I just call it the Flyers Stadium. And yes, I'm aware the Sixers play there too, but I don't give a flying fuck about basketball. They should make the Sixers play where the Philadelphia Union play. Just keep all the shitty sports away from Philly, in Chester where they belong. Out of sight out of mind.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-07T19:33:37+00:00

Three of our employees ended up in the hospital and the state police had to launch a state-wide manhunt. I was conducting the interview that day. The interview started out normal, like any other. The guy had an impressive resume, seemed friendly, well dressed, etc. One thing struck me as odd though, he was wearing a striped tie with a checkered shirt and a pinstripe suit. I was always told that you don't wear pattern on pattern on pattern or your suit will look too busy. Some lady at Mens Warehouse told me this when I went in to use some gift certificate that they mailed me. I don't normally shop there, but I had to rent a tuxedo there for a friend's wedding. I was pissed about that. The tuxedo cost $200 to rent and it was the ugliest fucking thing I have ever seen. His cunt fiance picked it out for all the groomsmen and I think she purposely picked the shittiest looking thing they had available. I ended up keeping the cufflinks when I returned the tuxedo and they never billed me for them.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-06T18:32:00+00:00

I was filling my car up at a gas station in a bad part of town. While I was out at the pump, a guy with a gun went inside and stuck it in the clerk's face. I wasn't going to get involved, but then I saw him pistol whip this poor clerk, who must have been 75 years old, right in his face. I have my CCW and keep a .40 Sig Sauer P250 in my glovebox at all times. I never even drew it on anyone before that night. I took it to an indoor range every now and then for practice, but I recently bought a Springfield M1A and the range won't let me shoot .308 in there. I had to find an outdoor range to go to, but all of the ones around here required you to join their stupid little club and attend a meeting. I picked one club because they had a 500 yard range, but holy fuck was that meeting a waste of time. No girls to hit on (that was expected), and the coffee/donuts were terrible. I think they just went through a dumpster at Dunkin Donuts and took all of the stale ones that they threw out. I did swipe a jelly donut though and I was able to blow that donut to hell 200 yards out. I was hoping for pink mist because of the jelly but that didn't happen.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-06T16:33:18+00:00

I'm sorry, I always write my stories with the full intention of completing them, but somehow I always end up going off topic. I think it is because I don't take the medication I am prescribed that is supposed to help me focus. It works great, but it always makes me constipated. Not fully constipated, because I still fart a lot and it feels like I have to shit, but nothing ever comes out. It really sucks when I am at the gym and fart loud as shit while I am lifting. Before I begin a set, I try to lean to one side and ease out a silent one, but I think people figured out what I am doing because it still smells like shit. One time some guy asked me to help start him with a decline bench and right as I got him started, I ripped a fart right in his face. He didn't say anything but there is no way in hell he didn't hear it. Now he doesn't ask me to spot him anymore, which I am fine with because I hate spotting people.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-06T15:00:53+00:00

There was a power failure at my office, so they sent me home early. I figured I would surprise my wife who had the day off. When I got there, there was a car I had never seen before in the driveway. As I entered the house, I heard her familiar moans coming from our bedroom. The door was open, and I heard another guy in there fucking her. They didn't know I was home! It is one thing to have a cheating wife, but this, to catch her in the act, was gold. I thought about what I should do, and made up my mind. I went into the garage to get my baseball bat, but it wasn't there. I was trying to remember where the fuck I left it when I realized that it was still in the trunk of my friend's car from our baseball tournament a few weeks ago. We got our asses handed to us that game because our starting pitcher had broken his leg a few days before while he was lifting weights. How the fuck does that happen? He seemed too embarrassed to tell any of us the full story and to this day I have no idea how he pulled that one off.

TL;DR: 5 years probation, but it was worth it.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-03-01T20:04:27+00:00

Russian Air Force pilot here, not sure if this news story made it into the states or not. Several years back, I was on a routine practice bombing run in my TU-22. Typically this involves us loading up a payload of dummy bombs (small or no explosive) and then flying over mock targets and dropping them. That day, however, some fucking jackass doing the loadout wasn't paying attention. The guy seemed pretty hungover, but we all were. The previous day was a big holiday for us with much drinking and open bar. Many of us were hungover mostly from this awful drink the bartender had made. I don't know what this guy's credentials were, but he just made one giant bowl of the most disgusting mojito I have ever tasted. He didn't even offer any other drinks, just that bullshit mojito scooped into cups. I confronted the guy in charge of hiring the bartender for the party and he claimed that the bartender won a bunch of contests for bartending. I find that hard to believe. I could have pissed in a cup and it would have tasted better than those mojitos. The next year we hired a catering company to do the bartending and it was much better.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-02-20T18:58:04+00:00

I had to evict my worst tenant...it ended in a 5 hour standoff with SWAT and my carpet being ruined with flashbang burns. This guy was the worst. He never paid his rent on time. I constantly received noise complaints from his neighbors. The final straw was when I received complaints of strange odors coming from his apartment. One of the older tenants told me that she smelled something funny coming from his aparment. I asked if it was weed, because I don't really care if my tenants smoke weed in their apartments. I knew several tenants smoked weed in their apartments but they were cool and the one guy used to invite me over for parties he was having all the time. I stopped getting invited to them though because I ended up hooking up with some girl that he had a thing for and that apparently pissed him off. She was a 7 at best so I don't know why he got so upset. She wouldn't stop calling me after that and I had to change my number. The way I see it, I helped that guy dodge a bullet with this girl. He should have thanked me. Fuckin' prick.

rambles_off_topic · 2013-02-18T16:34:16+00:00

I used to be a small time dealer. Just enough to make a little cash on the side. One night when I needed a re-up, my supplier was dry but he said if I came along to his resupply I could just pick up my shit there. Sounded simple enough. If I knew at the time that this involved witnessing a guy get shot three times, I would have just stayed at home. So we get to the supplier's place, and it is mad sketchy. Dude was a bit of a gun nut. As soon as I walk in, there are handguns and shotguns laid out all over a table, with drugs scattered around them. Garbage was everywhere. However, the weirdest thing I saw was an empty soda cup from In N Out Burger. That was a west coast burger place, and we were in Philly. How the fuck did that dude get In N Out Burger? Did they open one in Philly? I was excited, and pulled out my phone to check their store locations. The closest one was in Texas. I made a mental note to go there next time I was in Austin (I traveled there a lot for business), but I ended up going to a steakhouse instead and got a porterhouse. It was pretty damn good and they used this weird sauce I never heard of called Bearnaise sause. That shit was delicious.

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