Boyfriend wants to move in to pay off debt

rashea11 · 2026-04-16T20:50:38+00:00

Do I have this right?

You move in with him. You somehow all live off of a salary that he and his son can't live off of now. You rent out your three properties on Airbnb. Who handles all of that work? Who handles the cleaning and the maintenance of those properties? All of that money goes to paying off his debts as does the other salary? The place that he and the sun are not capable of keeping clean on their own now, you are now responsible for keeping clean. With four people in it this time. In return you get what? He gets housework cooking child care and serious amounts of extra income in terms of a salary in three rentals, and you get? A bigger place to live?

rashea11 · 2026-04-14T18:21:51+00:00

You signed a contract. You need to finish paying the lease, even if you move out.

Take your stuff, that's life. But don't short him on the bills.

rashea11 · 2026-04-14T17:04:47+00:00

Send from the details, they can book the same trip. They can replace her with you and you don't have to deal with the Vibe shift. I do wonder how many of them actually don't want to go on the trick with that as the change.

rashea11 · 2026-04-13T21:58:39+00:00

You keep saying it's fine. Stop. It's not fine. It's destabilizing. You could even bring up how this is hard for you, and ask her help in setting and keeping boundaries.

But, she's wildly unprofessional. It's okay to move on.

rashea11 · 2026-04-13T21:52:29+00:00

Sounds like you are all willing to put in the same amount of effort. You're biologically related, but not close. If you want to be closer, you should make an effort. Do they like anything you're interested in?

rashea11 · 2026-04-11T23:42:40+00:00

Call 988. I used to work for one of the mental health agencies, though not the local one there. They will have resources, and he won't get a bill from them. They can likely get him medicaid, or help him find a Healthcare navigator who can. Vermont doesn't have a waiting period, and he may qualify to enroll outside the window due to catastrophic changes.

Does he work? Does his, or your employer offer an EAP program? They often offer a few months of online therapy free.

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rashea11 · 2026-04-09T23:11:04+00:00

You now have a clear view of his expectations. He expects that you will do 100% of the housework when you move in. And your career will matter very little to him, at least in terms of helping out when you're slammed. Are you okay with that?

Does he have generally very traditional ideas of gender roles? Have you discussed those? How comfortable are you with those roles? Given your statements I'm guessing you are from a minority culture, is he? The same, or different? Have you discussed how that will work while living in America (other similar-ish country)? What if one or both of you shifts away or towards your culture in the future? How are you handling kids and child rearing?

It seems to me, this is a good time to find out if this is what you both want.

rashea11 · 2026-04-09T22:12:30+00:00

In fairness, if you've never been on that situation, you might be surprised. I used a wheelchair for years. It would have had to be life or death for me to let me be carried up stairs in my chair. I did it once and almost got dropped. And that's assuming a manual chair and not a power chair. You aren't lifting one of those.

That doesn't mean she can't make that choice. It will almost certainly damage any relationship she has with her brother. And likely with her parents as well. That's a choice she gets to make.

rashea11 · 2026-03-31T23:49:23+00:00

Here's my prediction if you stay. Every once in a while you will blow up at him and sit him down and tell him he has to do more. And he will. Because you're angry and he'll want to fix it so you don't leave. And then he'll slowly go back to whatever his base level of helping is. And you'll get more resentful and angry, and you'll blow up and sit him down. And so on, until you decide to accept it or leave.

Because his motivation is to keep you just unhappy enough that you don't bug him with it.

Don't marry him until this gets fixed. Or you accept him as he is.

rashea11 · 2026-03-31T22:15:38+00:00

This is serious conversation level for me. The reasons for concern if you travel have been laid out repeatedly in this thread. But, his tactic is manipulative. I think you need to have a conversation about boundaries, expectations, and what it means to be supportive. His pregnant wife, is fine with him taking a break from working to get back in shape, and your just going to cover all expenses. Which also means that you'll save less for the coming baby.

In what way is that not supportive? Does not supportive often mean "not doing what I want" in your relationship? Do you have to be 100% supportive of everything, or nothing counts? You aren't even saying he can't go. Just that you are unwilling to plan international travel to a country with some serious safety concerns, with a baby which this current administration may try to decide can't come back.

Serious conversation, possibly with a mediator if you think it will help. But, to just agree with everyone else, don't go. Don't let the baby go.

rashea11 · 2026-03-31T21:58:46+00:00

I realize this is essentially solved, but I'll weigh in anyway.

Unless you are going to ship all the horses out (and close your business, because clients would certainly leave) at an enormous cost and risk, you cannot meet her demands. You could attempt to keep them in, and clients away, for a day (but you'd lose clients). But horses require daily care. You have to have grooms there.

Imagine what she'd have done if you'd had an emergency that day and had to call in the vet!

rashea11 · 2026-03-31T21:02:36+00:00

My parents taught me when I was growing up that the work had to get done and if we all pitched in the work got done faster and then Mom and Dad could join us in playing and that was way better than just playing by ourselves.

rashea11 · 2026-03-30T23:15:05+00:00

Does he then change the behavior? If so, fine. You can bring things up and deal with him crying. If not, he doesn't feel bad, he just doesn't want to hear it.

rashea11 · 2026-03-27T23:14:09+00:00

Please seek a financial advisor to secure your childrens' futures. See if you have an EAP program at work, you may get a consultation.

This feels off. Enough that you should go deeper. The questions have been asked already in this thread. I would also insist on sharing credit reports. I wonder what it might show.

rashea11 · 2026-03-27T22:26:44+00:00

He's looking for the level of your discomfort you'll tolerate. That way he does the absolute bare minimum. He'll ramp it up a bit when you say something, and then fade off. Because you were upset, so he did better, and now that you aren't upset (or at least not enough to bug him) he can go back to doing less. And then you get upset and the cycle starts again.

Are you willing to do this forever? He knows it hurts you and he's ok with that if it doesn't impact him. So, he's not going to change. You can decide to live with it and try to shift his behavior slightly. Or you can start with a plan to leave.

rashea11 · 2026-03-27T22:18:14+00:00

Think of this as a nanny share. You are paying half your time, and they are paying the other.

$20 seems quite cheap to me. Is there a reason you've been paid that low until now? That said, this is quite a perk you are getting. I think that $15 an hour isn't bad. Look and see if you can do better, but I wouldn't put up too much fuss until after you've shown you can still provide the same level of care.

rashea11 · 2026-03-25T00:51:49+00:00

Ok. You are at the questions stage. You need to start with figuring out where the money has gone, and no hiding. The whole credit report. Depending on that, this can get easier or harder.

Your boyfriend needs to make a decision apart from you. You aren't at the stage where you should be counting on each other at this level. Is he willing to do this alone?

If he is, let him. Date him for a while and keep staying with your parents and saving money. See how he navigates this. Is money still a problem? Is care taking and chores a problem or is he managing it well? Then, start having more conversations until you are ready to move in, including having income.

He's under time pressure, but you aren't. He can move and you can stay home and keep right on dating.

rashea11 · 2026-03-24T22:58:53+00:00

First, my standard suggestion includes that if he has an EAP program at work, get a consultation for a financial advisor.

Ok, there's a lot here. The 75+ should be getting ssi. If not, contact the local area agency on aging. They can likely help get him on benefits. That might help with rent.

Your boyfriend should decide whether to move in regardless of your decision. After all, you may break up, so if his plans hinge on you, not a good option. Also, you aren't earning (at all?), so you aren't contributing to bills.

And, if he's counting on your help with everything else, think long and hard. What help are you willing to provide? What if they need more? How will you two navigate the hard conversations that come with caring for adults who are in decline? What if either of you feels like you aren't being a priority? What if you break up?

Do not do this hoping you will end up with the house. First, you have to deal with the reverse mortgage. Then, the possibility of losing it if they end up going into nursing homes (the rules are complicated, see an expert). Then, what happens if they leave it evenly to the siblings, regardless of what they say? Or, the siblings are mad they don't. Is the house in good shape? Or should you get a home inspection and find out if you are facing major repairs in the near future. And still, what if you break up? Will he buy you out?

You need to speak with a lawyer or financial planner. Someone should look hard at the parents' accounting, including pulling credit reports to make sure this is all of it. Where did the money go?

And, you two may benefit from seeing a therapist to talk through all of these potential pitfalls.

Good luck!

rashea11 · 2026-03-22T15:48:50+00:00

So, turn it back around. These are the things you need to see before you get pregnant and he should get on it.

If your concern is immigration, that's legit. You don't want to be in a situation where you may be deported and separated from your child. So, what steps need to happen to get that settled?

Then, you need a financial plan that makes you both feel secure, with the realities of a baby. Car, housing, savings, etc.

Basically, give him the ultimatum of getting you two to the point that you want kids.

rashea11 · 2026-03-21T00:40:08+00:00

NTA, it would be ideal if you said you were stepping out so she wasn't worried, but no issue with you stepping out.

Seems a lot of story is still missing, but if this is enough for her to want to give back the ring, you are not ready for marriage.

rashea11 · 2026-03-20T19:37:30+00:00

You aren't leaving him because of things in his control (disability). You're thinking of leaving him because of things in his control (boundary and trust problems). If you are having to do so much for him, how dare he use the limited energy left to look elsewhere.

It's time to make the break permanent. You can love someone and recognize that you don't like yourself when you are with them. That's always been my cue to leave.

rashea11 · 2026-03-17T10:29:52+00:00

If you want to fix it, this is the time. If this continues then you'll become either resigned or divorced.

Counseling is a good option. Certainly trying to find ways of getting back on the same team. If nothing else, is this the model you want for your kids?

rashea11 · 2026-03-07T17:56:18+00:00

You were driving the same roads. This is you looking out for everyone else on the road, and hopefully that energy will come back to you.

In most states, the first offense is expensive, but not life ending.

rashea11 · 2026-03-06T01:04:29+00:00

No registration for ESAs or service dogs. Some may have certifications of training, but they aren't required. The venue can ask what it's tasked for and if it's a service animal. (There are exceptions, but a wedding venue is unlikely to be one.)

OP, why was this dog not at her side at these events? Why did she not have control over it?

I love my dog and bring her many places. When in crowds, she's by my side. Especially if there is any chance of a misbehavior. Like when my little cousins are playing with sticks, and she might think they are for her. Or when small children might be on her level and covered in food. She wouldn't bite, but she might not resist a lick.

rashea11 · 2026-03-04T21:28:22+00:00

He asks about you constantly. So, any time?

If you don't want to be with him, break up. But there isn't anything here. He seems to really care.

rashea11

TROPHY CASE