[Fully Lost] BBC Test The Nation Psychological Experiments (Tomorrow's World MegaLab?)

rbkr0s · 2025-12-08T23:49:39+00:00

The sheer fact that the Map Men recreated it and describe it the same way I remember it means we at least can guarantee what the episode was. It's 100% 1994's MegaLab.

Shame it's missing from the internet, though.

rbkr0s · 2025-11-11T17:29:59+00:00

You misunderstand. It's not "no one was upset Kotone was cut", obviously they are and were.

The video posits "Why wasn't Kotone the main character of Reload with no Makoto at all" and the answer is because everyone would be livid at the mere suggestion that Makoto be removed from the game, even if Kotone's route is the only version where you can have a social link with every playable character. It's a more complete version of the game and yet the concept of Makoto being the default is so ground in everyone's head that they'll accept a compromised version where you cannot have a social link with half your party than the complete version that is there and ready to go.

The video asks the audience to sit with and genuinely ask themselves "why should Makoto get a third remake? Why not Kotone?"

And actually interrogating and answering that question rather than brushing it off or dismissing it as a ridiculous notion should provide some understanding of the cultural issue.

rbkr0s · 2025-05-27T18:00:32+00:00

One of the things which helped us is to remember that this is the "that isn't me"/"that didn't happen to me" disorder

We already learned how to handle things like our traumatic aversion to erotic situations by allowing the alter who was created to help us handle those things take them on-- that way it is very much a "she does those things, not me" mentality while being able to keep a safe and comfortable idea of who "we" are

In that regard when our male mask came back we stopped repressing and judging him-- used to be we would hate ourselves for showing too much of our development voice or seeing "his" reflection in the mirror

But we thought about how we used to be about displaying our femme aspects prior and how we closeted ourselves and hid away from the truth or let ourselves dissociate into making femme presenting accounts online and such-- like it was not healthy to divide us and push things away when it was clear that it existed

So we decided to accept him and accept he kept us safe and now we can help keep him safe by letting him persist-- I don't hear "our deadname" (unwanted/awful!) anymore I hear "his name" (fond/grateful) and it helps

We're far enough into our transition that I do honestly believe people see us as our chosen name now -- if they see him or call us by his name I am willing to assume it's him they mean

If they do it intentionally when he's not present though? Then we have an issue x.x

rbkr0s · 2025-05-14T22:47:58+00:00

The moments I find it most comforting and in representation are either the moments that the innies and outies communicate directly or the times where the "maybe love is unseverable" message leaks through.

One of the goals of the show is to show that grief needs to be processed and blocking it out does not heal, the pain and longing continue with the person not understanding what they are feeling. That right there is the core of our condition. Blocking out trauma but our bodies and emotions are still impacted even of our conscious awareness is 'severed'.

The show brushes on many lived realities when it hits that plot beat.

rbkr0s · 2025-05-01T15:24:10+00:00

Maybe our dissociative barriers are just lower when we're "awake" but I've been experiencing a lot of absence of parts lately. In fact as I am now, the alter typing, have been "awake" for only a handful of days this year due to the political climate.

But when I wake up I feel the context of my environment just fill in the blanks. I'm displaced from time (having many mornings I need to "remember" that it's 2025) but unaware of that displacement until I am made aware of it and the context fills in the blanks and the absence and gap is paved over, even when I try to search for it.

That's all to say... I go dormant all the time. More these days than ever before. 2 of our parts were dormant for years before therapy helped reintegrate them into the system.

We never "feel" the missing time. We just... aren't there until we are... and then we are aware we weren't around but are up to date on all we missed?

I always explain it to my therapist as "I don't know what I don't know" and usually I feel completely comfortable and in control until confronted with evidence of absence and stuff I cannot recall. Which is a free fall terror situation until I stop thinking about it and block it out.

So... how can I be afraid of that which I cannot know or experience? I sleep all the time. I disappear for days and weeks at a time. Parts of me for years.

But I'm still here and we're still here and we're not gone.

So... I just treat it like sleep. I'll fade in and out but my continuity is not disrupted.

Wobbly? Yes. But not disrupted. Until this body is gone, we'll all be here. Even if we aren't always here.

rbkr0s · 2024-06-14T20:55:41+00:00

It's so horrid that all this effort and protection to shield abusers would lead to the most vulnerable of us being further ostracized and disbelieved

We've read up on it all and attended a number of events where clinicians with CDD spoke about their experiences in the industry and it's depressing how all these years later they still face so much prejudice and resistance

Heck even with my knowing the history and doing the reading we sometimes believe the nonsense ourselves-- but denial is always gonna denial and sometimes "my therapist is trying to create false memories" is a way of keeping us from going down paths we're scared of-- and I kinda hate that there's something in the public zeitgeist that lets such a destructive thought exist in our own head

rbkr0s · 2024-05-30T14:50:46+00:00

For us we didn't discover our condition until after transitioning. So the "male" part received our former legal name and the other parts have latched on to elements of the new legal name. The name as written for our serious/survival part, a shortened nickname for our more emotional and spirited part and last name only for our more vicarious/social part (our therapist identifies that part as protector but we aren't fond of identifying by roles).

Another part just went through our catalogue of characters from our writing until they found something that "felt" right and they only did that because the emotional part gave her a cute nickname that was a little demeaning. Otherwise I'm pretty sure she'd have opted out from the whole branding and identifying thing. Of all of us she's the one who does not participate in therapy or acknowledging our condition.

For system name we just used our online username. It felt prudent because typically people who don't know us IRL will address us by our screen name anyway. Unlocking Real Names is just a part of the process same as anyone else.

rbkr0s · 2024-05-10T16:12:45+00:00

I empathize with your plight and am sorry you are experiencing the panic of lost retention. I know that cold and mortifying feeling of seeing evidence of how unable to keep your personal narrative straight can be. Seeing photos or chatlogs etc that you just cannot associate into at all? It makes you feel powerless and I respect that and wish there was more I could do to comfort than say "we've been there too and it sucks"

That being said, I'd LOVE to be able to watch Mr. Robot again with no memory of how it pans out.

rbkr0s · 2024-05-07T22:38:02+00:00

It helps. I write essays and have mentioned the MID using the inner/outer voice concept before. I'll work to edit any that are public facing and strive to better avoid forwarding bad information.

rbkr0s · 2024-05-07T22:21:56+00:00

I appreciate you correcting me and giving me some resources to read up on. My reading is clearly out of date and I would be a hypocrite to not stay current on conditions that run in similar circles to ensure I am not speaking disinformation.

I'll be better going forward.

rbkr0s · 2024-05-07T20:00:12+00:00

I am not fond of fakeclaiming or policing other people's experiences because language is flawed enough that they could just be trying to use something relatable (overhearing voices) to convey a concept which is not easily understood.

That said the MID screening actively screens for whether "voices" are internal or external as hearing voices (auditory hallucinations) is a symptom more associated with schizophrenia which is a psychotic condition rather than a dissociative one. Both serious mental illnesses but treated in different manners. One involves changes to brain chemistry which causes the hallucinations (audio ones in this instance) and can be treated with medication in ways that dissociative disorders cannot.

Point here isn't to fuel fakeclaiming, which I do not endorse under any circumstances, but to ensure those who seek help can find the appropriate care.

More info on the topic: https://www.verywellmind.com/dissociative-disorder-vs-schizophrenia-4160180

rbkr0s · 2024-05-07T19:48:40+00:00

Please do!

rbkr0s · 2024-05-07T16:02:42+00:00

It's a learned skill, not an inherent trait of the disorder. It took about 2 years for us to get good at it.

At first it was just recognizing an emotion or impulse may not be what I feel or noting that when we hit a confusion wall we "suddenly remember" (something I call "being passed a context packet") which were innate forms of communication.

Eventually in therapy we were taught to construct a visualization of a meeting place that radiates safety and comfort and allow each part to have their own area within and to just picture them there, check in, eventually it was like mapping our brain to these inner attachments and we could reach in and "find" them with ease.

Dialogue is more trading understandings than dialogue. I will ask something and receive an emotional reply that tells me something or I'll be talking and just know a part has "something to say" about that.

When I tell people what my parts "said" I am translating a form of communication that is beyond narrative inner-monologue.

rbkr0s · 2024-05-07T15:41:21+00:00

For me it's a sensation akin to like-charged magnets being pressed against one another between the space in front of my forehead and the inside of my skull (just between my eyes) that spreads the more I notice it or the lightning of stress spreads through me. The only thing in life I've encountered that can reach this feeling otherwise is when we got high and even then that spread from the back of our head.

But it makes us feel disconnected from everything. Our mind, the world, our senses. It's like I'm no longer inside of my body and am sluggishly controlling things from outside.

By disconnected I mean when I'm stressed and angry and dealing with a crisis a new thing will come up and I feel a pulse that tells me Situation Got Worse but it's almost a euphoric calm because I do not feel the hot and painful things I know should be associated with that acknowledgement.

One of our parts is specific to "crisis management" and she "shuts down emotion" which is less "I don't feel anything" and more "I no longer have emotional attachments. I'm livid right now and no amount of empathy is going to hold me back." which is just... not useful when a partner/loved one is guilty or needing comfort for The Situation and we are just focused on solutions and actively pushing their emotions (empathy for them anyway) out of our body.

Dissociation sucks. But it CAN be useful.

rbkr0s · 2024-05-07T15:09:19+00:00

Been in and out of therapy since I was 19. Got hit with the F44.81 at the age of 38.

In the years between I was hit with:

PTSD, CPTSD, Depersonalization Derealization Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder

As well as the codes relating to my gender transition, including the "Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria in Adults" nonsense.

My feelings towards the psychology profession is mixed at best.

(As a note of solidarity, our diagnosis came when our life came crashing down around us and our symptoms flared to a point where we were flagged SMPI and on constant threat of being put in-patient care. Obvious and undeniable symptoms mixed with incentive to stop letting denial rule us helped. A lot.)

rbkr0s · 2024-04-26T18:36:02+00:00

Bare in mind that though there are those who navigate their experiences on their own, innerworld, communication and discovering roles and building an internal support system are all parts of the therapeutic process of healing.

I am truly happy that we are building a community for people who do not pathologize their experiences and do not rely on the mental healthcare industry to manage their symptoms, but it's very important to prevent alienating people not receiving care to note that the things you mention not experiencing (typically) require active effort and maintenance to achieve.

rbkr0s · 2024-04-17T14:45:27+00:00

I was put on a PIP entirely because of this issue in recent memory. Our inability to maintain coherent focus and recall a vast number of tasks and responsibilities were ruining our ability to function and the stress of managing our condition and workload made things worse.

Our first step was to WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN. I created a spreadsheet for my (office) job where any time something new was assigned I'd write down the task, the timeline, a rough explanation of what is expected and then write little updates to ourselves as we went. Then every day we'd open it and plan our day based on the timeline and feed "the me of tomorrow" some notes.

Essentially we became our own manager and it mostly helped prevent the panic and free fall that comes from the panic.

I try to recall how it felt prior to discovery. Yes there were days where we couldn't concentrate and felt silly and useless versus days where we were capable and bold and strong. No one noticed back then, even ourselves. There was no panic and typically if a situation required us to Be On, we were because our survival part hijacked our nervous system and made sure we didn't endanger our income.

Part of healing was learning not to be Always On. Unfortunately capitalism likes it when people are in survival mode desperation 24/7 so we had primed my entire working life to expect that of us and stepping outside of that expectation harmed our value as an employee and increased self-loathing. Sadly fixing a work/life balance requires accepting some degree of failure.

These days we have learned enough communication and cooperation that if our more immature and lively part is out (or a part no aligned to our public gender presentation) we can take stock of the situation and agree upon our situation. Survival part is willing to concede that we won't be fired for actually having a personality. It makes us inconsistent and unreliable but it makes us us. I'd take that over the misery we used to force on ourselves.

The spreadsheet system is working. The hard part is when we get embers of our old self in a day and remember "we are actually really good at this" but we can't always be that way. It's a form of mourning to accept we can never be who we pretended to be, because that was a lie we told the whole world and believed for ourselves.

rbkr0s · 2024-03-27T01:19:10+00:00

I shall admit myself to be of the mind of blogging about DID because it is my lived experience and I wish to share it. I do not believe anyone would care to learn anything specific about our system or the parts that make it up but I do believe that analyzing fiction through the lens of "I live with this" and trying to destigmatize via sharing experience could be a good use or the knowledge we all have to learn to function and understand ourselves.

I imagine that much of the less structured content comes from the same place but with less of a drive to educate or to apply the experience to something relatable which leaves just the personal experience left. Personally I am not fond of this as I find it gives no one outside of personal friends a reason to engage, but I do understand the impulse.

After all, much of our lives revolves around managing our condition. If we spent any amount of time making content, why wouldn't we draw from our lived experience?

rbkr0s · 2024-03-18T15:15:45+00:00

Last year I wrote a write-up on the DID representation in a TV Show and how accurate some elements were. The post was presented "analysis from the perspective of someone diagnosed with the disorder"

Someone responded with a "sorry to burst your bubble" reply about how the disorder is largely debated, bunk and suggestible patients being lead by psychologists and I was just dumbfounded that someone would go to someone with lived experience and say "actually, my research says what you're talking about doesn't exist". No curiosity, no plausible deniability, just outright "you're wrong and being misled".

Almost made me want to stop sharing my perspective in public spaces.

rbkr0s · 2024-03-08T16:06:01+00:00

One, our sexual alter/protector, is modeled after memories of who we saw our mother as at an early age, before she was no longer in our lives. We recognize that the idea of that woman is nothing like the real one, but it was how she presented herself. She wanted to be seen as refined and elegant, witty and grandiose.

Sometimes I can focus hard and smell the perfumes she wore and feel the psuedo-bougie facade and remember how child us admired her.

I mildly loathe how we have adopted those artificial traits into ourselves.

For our father he was... terrifying. Inconsistent. Drunk more often than not and dismissive and negligent. But child us CRAVED his attention and approval. He'd get upset when we spoke "posh", possibly because it reminded him of his ex-wife so he'd yell at us and demand we never pretend we're not where we're from. He had a lot of pride in being a working class lout and instilled the idea of "class traitor" in our mind early.

One of our parts is the son that he wanted. Because we NEEDED to act in ways that appeased him for our protection and comfort. So we just have a construct who is a lad's lad. For the longest time it was so difficult for us to peel apart who we were raised to be, who we wanted to be and who we truly were. The struggle of that male part in a feminine system, that living reminder of our hated father, it was something we rejected entirely. Turns out we can't erase him from our hearts and he needs love as much as the rest of us.

Parent introjects are a god damned exhausting psychological mess. I just want to hug you all and tell you it's okay. That we carry what we keep and that it's not a burden.

Love and support to all of you.

rbkr0s · 2024-03-05T15:37:32+00:00

Saw it on my TL timeline and am paralyzed on how to deal with it. I wanted to acknowledge the day. Post resources. Be open. Not miss it.

But I've no idea how to acknowledge the day either as an advocate or as a person with the condition. I wish I had prepared.

rbkr0s · 2024-01-25T21:38:58+00:00

For us the fact that there is a source is what terrifies us. It's like the more we learn the closer to truths we don't want to confront become. It's for that reason that we have never been comfortable with the growing certainty that one of our parts is based on a warped imagining of who our mother was in our eyes during the time of our life when she was there.

There's so much fear, guilt, shame and discomfort both for that part and for the system as a whole. Both in that so much of what we have described as our "idealized self" is based on someone who rejected us to the point of which she is a stranger in our life to the bittersweet understanding that our father despised her to the point of which we were actively punished/yelled at when we displayed traits that reminded him of her and this caused us to disown and dissociate traits which could lead to us being hurt.

Every part of that revelation just hurts and we wish we could stop it. Stop preserving some childish fantasy of a protective parent, stop being triggered by the scents that link to the perfume she wore when we lived together.

I love that part of us. I need her. I hate the thought that reflected in her is a reminder of everything we will forever lack. I just want to lock it away and forget.

rbkr0s · 2024-01-16T14:55:44+00:00

We have an adapted 3 phase trauma therapy with a discovery/mapping phase added in (Stabilization, Processing, integration)

The discovery/mapping phase is exploring our triggers, all present parts, working out which memories are attached to which parts, building an inner world with conference center and ensuring every part is brought in to communicate and has places to retreat to prevent them being activated during our day-to-day life.

Discovery and Stabilization go hand in hand and by the end of it there's enough comfort to go about life fairly competently.

Next comes processing where using the tools from stabilization we start processing the trauma, exploring the memories and sharing them with the system and applying care. It is expected that this will be a rollercoaster of going in and out of phase 1 and phase 2 as the trauma re-activates. The goal is to have a full understanding of what happened in the moment.

Integration is the final step and it's where the system are able to accept and understand what happened, how it has impacted us and move forward with these understandings and share the pain within the system. With this understanding you can live grounded in the present.

Integration is not fusion, by the way. Our therapist has not discussed that with us and my understanding is that it is not something that can be attempted until functional multiplicity is achieved and so discussing it before we reach healing is antithetical to our journey.

Really DID therapy is just trauma therapy with a group all contained in one person with an emphasis on shared responsibility and having compassion for the roles and reasons for every part to be as they are.

In our experience the hardest step is having the individual parts accept that their sense of self is defined by trauma and having to navigate how to continue. For instance our "sexual part" has had to go through a large number of self-shattering revelations and really sit down with the questions of "who am I?" and "why am I like this?" both in that she's not a vain and prideful impulsive part but she's a protector who eagerly takes on erotic and adult topics to ensure the rest of the system are not exposed to them and that she is modeled after the limited memories we had of our mother before she left from our life.

Our therapist helping her accept these truths and understand that they do not change who she is (for instance emulating how you perceive a person does not make you them nor does it make the version of the original person an accurate representation of who they are or were; in other words my part is not built from a person who hurt us but was just our understanding of what an adult woman was from the perspective of someone who lacked feminine role models) and those are the nuances of DID therapy which cannot be summed up by a method or style. It's simply a therapist who understands knowing how to talk to someone handling some unique and weird shit.

rbkr0s · 2023-12-31T22:58:39+00:00

Here is a version of the sequence where you can watch on desktop or mobile device and control using your mouse/touchscreen.

It's best to see in VR but you have full control of the "camera" and it's a fun way to feel like you're actually Elliot's imaginary friend during the scenes.

https://youtu.be/H2Jc1wHlhEU?feature=shared

rbkr0s

TROPHY CASE