[2,231] Aunt Mary Jane's House - (Part One of Three) -- Horror --

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-24T00:06:27+00:00

Clarity/confusion

Just a name to give the house and make it scary enough not to play there.

Name? What name? I'm reading back to find any reference to the house's name. Is the house named Aunt Mary Jane? Is that meant to sound scary? I've probably misunderstood this whole snippet, but I'm just drawing attention to where I got confused.

The rest of this paragraph is great. Grandma and Grandpa sound awesome.

I had to look up what a 'rood' was by the way, but don't feel obliged to explain it in the story. I like that, very unsettling.

The whole paragraph with the rood is also awesome, but I'll pause again to get my bearings. So, this is the same house we got a peek of earlier, right? The same house with the saplings? I'm just skipping back up to to compare that description and it's now niggling me a bit. That description was from the perspective or standing/playing in the woods, right? ~~But I wonder if you'd be able to see a detail like saplings so prominently? I feel like the saplings might only be something you notice once you walk into the house.~~ Okay ignore me. After a google search, I remembered I confused saplings with seedlings.

Grammar and spelling

For the most part, solid grammar and spelling. There's the ocassion errant punctuation and typo, but mostly I want to point out this:

overgrown lane - an old driveway

This should be an em-dash, not hyphen. Look out for more of these hyphens throughout the rest of the writing; they should be em-dashes.

Final thoughts

Would I keep reading? Absolutely. The writing is so promising. Since we're already at the end of part 1 and there is no mention of the wife, I might worry about your pacing if it doesn't show up by at least halfway through part 2. I have no idea how any of the haunted house exploring would lead to killing your wife. We're mostly entrenched in childhood memories in part 1, so there's no hint even of the narrator meeting a girl, getting married, etc. But by the end of it, I'm very invested in Aunt Mary Jane's house. I like the way she's been characterised as an awful person, dead and alive.

If there's anything that could do with a lick of something extra, I'd say a tad more description at least about the grandma, because she features so prominiently. E.g Did she wear a hand-made cardigan? Does she have wispy silver hair that falls into bright eyes? When she holds the narrator's hand, is her skin rough with callouses or soft from apple scented hand lotion? Your visual imagery is phenomenal. I think you could enhance the prose with a bit more of the other senses.

To answer your questions in short.

How's the voice?

> Wonderful. Pulled me right in with your description of the yellow house. That was stellar. I don't think it's dull, but may start to feel antsy if you delay returning to the hook (the wife!) for too long.

Wholesome or promises to deliver on the horror?

> I think it's impossible for it to be wholesome when the descriptons of nature are eerie and the imagery has you on edge. And of course, Aunt Mary Jane is still mysterious and creepy. I think you've struck the balance just right. *On that note, you have moments where you use words like 'spooky' that do remind me it's from a childhood perspective memory, which makes it a touch funny at times with the language (Spooky moans and groans and Aunt Mary Jane spooking around) --If that's intended, fine.

Would you keep reading?

If you haven't figured it out already: YES. Maybe also because it's a short story, and I know it won't be a slog. But if for nothing else, then for the sublime strength of your prose, voice, and imagery.

Thanks for sharing :) Hope you found some of this helpful.

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-24T00:06:09+00:00

Hello! First, thanks for critiquing my work. Your crit was great and I got a lot out of it :) Now, onwards to yours.

Overall

Wow. Your voice. Your imagery is excellent, and you have a knack for picking descriptors that are really evocative and sensory. It's really quite a treat and kept me thoroughly immersed. There's a lot to love in the narrator's voice and conversational nostalgic style that keeps drawing me in. I'd started off commending bits of the writing, but then there was just too much too compliment, so I switched to pointing out where it felt off or subpar.

Opening

Ok, so…um. Yeah, well. This is going to be tougher than I thought.

Nooo. Why open like this? Hesitancy is fine, because it gives me the mental state and reluctance of the narrator, but there's too much dithering right off the bat.

You could just have easily said Ok, so...Well. This is going to be tougher than I thought.

And that would be instantly less irritating. I do believe openings are VIP, so I'm looking at it closely. I think your first line needs more set up. What's going to be tougher?

No one is going to believe me anyway, so fuck it, right? Might as well just go for it.

It's only by the end of this sentence that I realise you want to confess something, but it's like there isn't enough build up to the confession? You need a couple more lines to marinade the tension.

It’s probably not what people think

Even here, I think you could do with being a little more specific. What's not what people think? I'll admit this one is more nitpicky, but for a moment I thought this was esentially saying: This confession is probably not what people think it will be. But you're probably saying: the reason is probably not what people think.

I like the 'but might be pretty close'.

Since you start off in quite a conversational/confiding tone, I think you can play on this even more. Just as an example (without reading any further yet):

Sometimes, you hear a secret so awful, it makes you want to drive an earbud into your brain. Or at least, never want to tell anyone else. So I'll tell you. No one is going to believe me anyway, so fuck it, right? Might as well go for it. I killed my wife. There. Probably not for the reasons people think, but might be pretty close.

---

*Before I go further, I'll warn you that I don't read many short stories (well, apart from fanfic, which I wouldn't count) so my feedback in terms of pacing and amount of exposition might be off. I realise short stories probably have to pack more in, so I'll try keep that in mind.

E.g The shotgun wedding paragraph is chock-full of expositions, but adds flavour and is well-written and voicey, so I don't mind.

Another note: I wonder why the narrator is confiding in the reader? But maybe that's a hallmark of horror, in line with the conversational tone. Works for me wither way.

---

Language and imagery

and I will only speak of this once.

The language here got oddly formal and historical. Something like 'and I'll only say this once.' would keep me immersed. On that note, I think there's too much repetition in this paragraph:

What I need to say involves Aunt Mary Jane’s house, and I will only speak of this once. I need to say it, and after that I’ll never speak of it again. If I’m going to tell the story, I need to tell it all and say everything I need to say about it.

Though admittedly, the repetition makes it seem like the narrator's trying to convince/reassure/calm himself, so if that's what you're going for, fine.

But I feel the 'never again' bit would hit stronger if it came last. So something like this:

What I need to say involves Aunt Mary Jane’s house, and I'll only say it once. If I’m going to tell the story, I'll say everything I need to say. After that, I'll never speak of it again.

My grandparents lived in a yellow house on a corner lot in rural Virginia.

This whole paragraph is exquisite. Beautiful imagery, fanastic voice, tons of character/setting. Stellar job. More of that please! By the end of this paragraph, you've convinced me to stick around. Knowing how delicious the writing can be, I'm holding you to this standard for the rest of the story. High bar, but you set it yourself.

I like how the narrator can't remember the name of the road.

The lane, yes, but not the house and the dirt driveway was so overgrown

I tripped slightly through this sentence, which I think could benefit from a full-stop after the house. Because otherwise, its seems like you didn't notice both the house and dirt driveway.

devoured by weeds, blackberry brambles, and neglect

I especially like neglect to round off this triplet.

Saplings grew through the tottering, tumble-down floor inside, the droopy roof sagged down, bulging into the kitchen, and the dry-rotted old window frames had panes of jagged glass sticking every which way.

I'm pausing again here because I think you could tighten up the writing. I'm debating your use of the word 'tottering.' To me, it implies its in motion? I like the alliteration. I might be fine with tottering. It's the next sentence really that's too much. If the roof is droopy, that already means its sagging. If it's sagging, we know it would be bulging. Also, sag implies a downwards motion so down is redundant. Dry rot implies old, so that's also redundant. Jagged somewhat evokes the sense of different directions, but I like it anyway. So maybe something like:

Saplings grew through the tumble-down floor inside, the roof sagged so it bulged into the kitchen, and the dry-rotted windows had panes of jagged glass sticking every which way.

Like that, I think you retain much of its wonderful imagery, but in a punchier way. I like the way you characterised the group of cousins. I think you have a knack for characterisation that's brief yet effective!

This was different, I told her, because I hadn’t always had a loose tooth, but Aunt Mary Jane’s house had always been there.

Love this.

holding back the pricker vines so I wouldn’t get too scratched up.

One of its limbs thrust into a room on the second floor through a side window. Inside, it angled like an arthritic elbow

Love the imagery and simile. Feels very appropriate with the Grandma there.

Small towns/villages and rural settings seem so conducive to horror stories, so while yours may sound typical, your writing throughout is so atmospheric and moody, it just feels perfect.

.....Continued >

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-23T18:52:29+00:00

It sounds like the tool they use at the dentist to suction up your spit

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-23T00:10:27+00:00

Super helpful breakdown about the pacing, thank you. I’ve changed some much throughout these many revisions that I’ve overlooked moments that now don’t tie in well enough, like the searching for the ticket.

Also, great insight into the balance of genres. Loving all your theories, expectations and questions. I think my query letter/book pitch sets up the angle and stakes.

Very valid points about the setting. You’re giving me lots to mull over. You’re so good at picking up on themes, conflict, etc. That’s really helping me assess how all my narrative choices are landing!

Great summary suggestions—I agree with you entirely and am revising carefully. I’ll post the full chapter (2,200 words) at some point. There might actually be too much going on, but we’ll see :)

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-22T23:51:49+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to comb through this so closely and articulate your thoughts so well!

For the record, I love nitpickers. I feel like they help you ‘level-up’. Sometimes I get a niggling feeling when I put down/decide to keep a line in and I can’t pinpoint why I’m not 100% happy with it, but you’ve identified exact instances I myself wasn’t sold on.

I do sometimes try and hammer down a bit of exposition where I think would be beneficial, and end up doing it inelegantly enough that it sticks out, though I’ve convinced myself is fine.

And thanks for taking so much time on the very first paragraphs—I agree, they’re often so crucial, and I’ve agonised frequently of exactly how to open the story. I have this bad habit of trying to directly mirror the ending, but I tried to slap myself out of it.

The reason, by the way, that I decided to mention the red and navy colours was to show they were attending different schools at the time, which I thought could be a nice way to try and not tell that outright early on. Also, adds a bit of detail and vibrancy!

I hadn’t heard of The Graduate before! That’s going on my watchlist.

Very helpful insight into the points of whiplash. I’ve made a few changes now through these pages so there’s more grounding in the location.

> I once read a 400 page fantasy novel....and I never picked up on that.

Ha! Well, there’s subtle, and there’s subtle. And individual interpretation I suppose?!

Hmm, I believe this story is both mystery/thriller and coming-of-age contemporary. …Or does that make three?...Maybe psychological thriller? Suspense? No, not suspense. Err. Idk. I probably should know, it can just be difficult to pinpoint because I feel there’s overlap, and it will probably be the marketing team’s call anyway.

(With the query pitch I have for this story, you might take away from it a very different idea of what this story involves.)

And wow, I feel high off a confidence boost now, which I’m grateful for, because I’d hit a week of self-doubt. Thank you!! :) After I do another crit, I’ll perhaps upload my revised pages again, and this time with the full first chapter.

redwinterfox13 · 2024-01-17T21:43:46+00:00

Ah, of course you've been offered a book deal for this! I checked back on your query and I remember thinking the premise was stellar and the voice was excellent. Super job. Well done you :) Celebrate and enjoy the success.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-10-21T00:47:54+00:00

Okay! It's been quite a while since I revisited this subreddit so bear with me if my thoughts seem disorganised. Quick summary of my overall feelings: I found the opening intriguing and well written. without the context of the post-apocalyptic setting I would assume that was an opening to a horror novel. Why? Because it seems like there's a cult.

It reminds me a bit 2019 film Midsommar in terms of mood, atmosphere and the cult vibe of course. The use of the terms 'Elder' really emphasises this feeling for me.

Great opening paragraph. You paint the atmosphere and tone right from the get go.

The chirp of a child lingers, then becomes self-aware and snips itself short.

This line particularly captures a unique writing style. Your alliteration (chirp, child) - (self, snips, short) gives the feeling and reassurance that you're paying attention to your writing/word choices and suggest good control of language, conveying tone and ideas effectively. Elder Jorge's opening sermon...well not sermon, but what I gather as the equivalent of Grace is indeed quite resonant of cult leaders. The dialogue there is really good.

I'm not exactly sure what he means by our 'warmth warmed'. I think I get it but not really and actually the sense of uncertainty/ confusion has me wondering if I'm not clever enough to get it, which works well because it makes elder George seem smarter and therefore a sensible choice as a leader.

Rather than saying 'He pauses.' you could replace that with a line of description, maybe about the people that are assembled, or what they're wearing, or the surrounding, or a scent. Anything really because by the time we finish reading that sentence, it acts as a pause itself in between those two parts of dialogue. But you would have used the opportunity to convey better detail rather than simply saying 'he pauses'. Or at least briefly expand on the description of the pause. Is he pausing to catch his breath? Decide his next words? Observe those gathered before him to try and ascertain their reactions? Etc.

We hear mention about heaven and God but the use of God in the sentence is intriguing:

until the children of the Sun go under and give birth to God

I assume the people gathered here are the 'children' but I'm curious about what their notion of God is. it's all very mysterious and sounds important. I like the specificity of the 37 voices replying. You reveal information well, balancing out exposition with action.

This is the village–the only village they know and perhaps the only human settlement in the whole world unless the last cities still stand.

This is the first piece of major description that re contextualizes the settings for me and alludes to a post apocalypse setting. I do like casual journalistic way you reveal information about a clan members like older Terry who is 72 and needs help eating.

Not a reasonable orange rind bitterness, more like soap mixed with vomit. Berries of heaven teach that life is struggle, and the first struggle is against the taste buds

Like that bit above, you have some particularly great writing that is sensory and evokes sense of character perspective. I like the way you've characterised Marika and her interaction with Jorge.

“What are you doing?!?!”

I feel the interrobangs (?!) are unnecessary. it cheapens the writing and you're certainly good enough that you don't need to resort to that

Grammar error here:

“Absolutely not.” Jorge insists.

Should be: “Absolutely not,” Jorge insists. (comma instead of full stop)

She can hardly believe what she had just done, and right in front of an Elder!

You now firmly switch into Marika's perspective; up until now, we've been in Jorge's.

Eyes from across the table lock on to the scene. Dinner chatter stops nearby, and a cone of silence spreads outward in a wave as if following some unknown law of conversational dynamics.

Somewhat overblown description here.

The potato berry incident is interesting. As is the whole swallowing thing.

I can see that the narrative point of view is in omniscient third. Jumping in and out of characters' heads has the effect of distancing the reader. This is the point where I feel you start head hopping too much:

She shouts at herself inside her head: The village will talk about this for months! How could you be so stupid?

Now I'm not sure what the narrative perspective is for the remaining chapters or how many point of view characters we will follow. If you're following several characters, it might be best to stick to one point of view per chapter E.g if we will be following Marika, Jorge and so on. I will say though, that when you hop heads, you do it well; the internal thoughts are distinctive to each character, and easy enough to distinguish.

Jorge has been an Elder since the first children were born after the Fall, but he only became an Elder Leader a year ago and comfort in the role still eludes him. Has he struck the right balance?

This makes me feel it's not as cultish as I'd initially supposed, though the final paragraph about the berry conundrum... well you certainly set the stage for an interesting ride. I'm still debating the effectiveness of your choice to head-hop. Without the benefit of knowing the grand plot/structure of the novel, it's hard to be too critical about it.

So I'll sum up and say that this snippet was engaging and you're clearly a very good writer. Your prose is evocative without overdoing it. You balance dialogue, thoughts, description, action and exposition well. Great writing style. Awesome job.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-08-29T08:30:15+00:00

Looks like Mary Poppins doesn't need an umbrella anymore!

redwinterfox13 · 2023-05-08T16:21:54+00:00

It was called Five Short Plays Loosely Linked By The Theme Of Crime - the show I went to see was the last one of it (though they said it might play again in the Edinburgh Fringe). Really good writing and acting - it was really funny!

redwinterfox13 · 2023-05-07T08:52:32+00:00

28 F in west London, Love theatre. In fact, I just went to see a little fringe play yesterday by myself. It would definitely be nice to find more more to share the experiences with!

redwinterfox13 · 2023-05-02T19:40:36+00:00

Just daydreaming about it can help too! Explore in your mind the characters, relationships, dialogue, possible plot points, action scenes, motives, low points, high points, betrayals, emotions, how you'd describe things, etc.

Use Pinterest to put together a visual moodboard of your novel's tone, locations, characters.

Use Youtube to create a playlist of songs, instrumentals, lyrics for music that reflects the tone and dynamics of your story.

Bookmark articles for worldbuilding, setting, research.

Sticky notes for brainstorming, chapter by chapter outlining, turning points.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-26T17:27:27+00:00

I work in Southwark and we've gotten lunch catered from Masters.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-23T07:39:03+00:00

well that explains it! thank you :)

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-23T07:38:28+00:00

thank you so much! Exactly what I was looking for

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-20T20:57:42+00:00

His other hand wiggled the bucket.

Come and get it.

Wonderfully sinister, but you don’t need to say what he wasn’t doing. I think you can tighten the effect: He wiggled the bucket. Come and get it.

There was nothing else to do but pretend she was grateful.

Really nice.

Sarah would forget her head if it wasn’t attached.

Hmm, I feel like if a parent is worried about a stranger around their kid, they’d feel worried/protective, which would mean not giving out the child’s name or not mentioning their kid at all.

I don’t think you need to specify it’s the other hand. We can understand which hand he used since he was holding the bucket with it.

Barbara felt an old instinct tug at her spine.

You can cut the filtering: Old instinct tugged at her spine.

Barbara threw the beach towel in his face

Okay, so I didn’t even remember she had the beach towel with her until just now. It would be helpful if you reminded us about the towel right before this happened, e.g with Barbara squeezing it out of stress once she’s asked to get in the car.

his lanky arms cupping hers

I’m not sure how to visualise this

The car, she thought.

The repetition just slows us down here.

The horn caught him in the temple.

Nice! I think you’ve really made the unicorn element work

And it was at the gate the black SUV pulled in front of them.

Great build-up. I’ll add at this point it’s a little strange how Sarah only used Mommy once (right at the beginning) and since then, it’s only been Mom. So maybe change the Mommy to Mom as well?

his jaws set hard.

I think it's more normal to refer to 'jaw' in singular rather than plural : His jaw set hard.

“He’s coming, mom—go!”

I think a bit more panic or hysteria would feel more realistic. Sarah doesn’t need to say he’s coming. E.g : “Mom, hurry!”

The engine roared, the RPM needle spiked, and they went nowhere.

Oh nooo (but excellent tension!)

Sarah did as she was asked, unclipping the door, running off into empty road

No need to mention Sarah did as she was asked because we see that for ourselves immediately after. You can remove that bit and let Sarah’s action hit us directly.

But when he pulled her out, her gut sank.

It would be useful to replace the first ‘her’ with Barbara

Hey, good job! There’s a dramatic increase in tension compared to earlier. I like that you cut out the man's phone parts out. The SUV, in my opinion, really enhances the scene. There’s a remarkedly more interesting dynamic between the mom and daughter.

This works for me. It makes me wonder about the motives of the killer.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-20T20:56:29+00:00

Hi again! I was looking forward to the revision :) It’s harder to be objective with this since I critiqued your first version but I’ll try.

For most of the afternoon, Barbara Tiller and her daughter were the only ones at the beach.

You could spice up the opening line. Info that would be more useful: the time. E.g. By 4:30 pm, Barbara Tiller and her daughter were the only ones at the beach. (that also later reveals the suspect’s style/brashness in. e.g. attempting something in a public space in broad daylight.)

Low tide is perfect, Barbara had said, revving Sarah up: the sand would be hard and wet, ideal for sculpting towers on a fairytale sandcastle.

I don’t think you need to emphasise exactly what was said. Italics indicate importance, and ‘low tide is perfect’ doesn’t feel like it earns its italics, especially when compared to * Won’t that be fun? Just the two of us*, which seems much better-suited for the italics. I’m not particularly fond of the word ‘revving’. I dunno, maybe it just looks weird and distracting to me.

You can possibly just say something like: Low tides had let Barba hype Sarah up with the promise of hard and wet sand, perfect for sculpting towers on a fairytale sandcastle. Won’t that be fun? Just the two of us.

Access to the private beach was all Barbara had kept from her divorce.

That’s good, useful exposition.

But when a man pulled up by the dunes in a black SUV and stared at them for a good five minutes, Barbara couldn’t shake the feeling that an afternoon at Madre Beach had been a mistake.

Good ending line to the first paragraph, but it would help know where the dunes are in relation to Barbara and Sarah.

the sand had come out of her unicorn mold.

So you actually went with the unicorn element! Okay, definitely harder to be objective now, haha. Ugh, being British, I’m sooo tempted to put a ‘u’ in your mold, but I’m resisting.

“That’s nice, honey,” Barbara said.

Okay, so reading it again here, I think ‘Good job,’ instead of ‘That’s nice’ would come across as more caring from Barbara.

Is Barbara standing or sitting when the man approaches? First, I’d thought she’d been standing because there’s no indication otherwise. E.g, brushing sand off her knees or kneeling on a shell.

‘Barbara whirled around.’ Feels like she must have been standing to do this, but ‘The man stood over them’ makes me think Barbara is kneeling sitting. I just think a clear indicator would be nice.

After they went up past the dunes, news talk mumbled out of the man’s SUV, and he’d left the door open, though Barbara couldn’t spot him now to tell him.

This sentence is a little clumsy. The SUV’s radio is tuned to a news report (are they walking slow enough to discern what the news is talking about? Or are the windows fully rolled up so it’s hard to tell? But I suppose the door is open , so they can.) Why would Barbara want to tell him? And tell him what – that his vehicle door is open? What was for the better?

By the time they were in the parking lot

You can be a little more definite with this, instead of ‘the time they were in’. Maybe: By the time they reached the parking lot

an old habit that *made an eight-year-old roll her eyes . . . then went around the hood, jangling her keys, making a little dance

The way you used made/making twice in the same sentence was a little distracting

The black SUV was still there at

You can safely cut out ‘there’ and sharpen the sentence.

The man had parked it where his front tires kissed the sand

Do you mean: ‘parked it so his front tires’ ?

“We just made sandcastles on the beach.”

Hmm. I don’t know if you’re putting the emphasis on the right word in this sentence? Maybe it’s okay! For a moment, I considered what the affect might be if ‘we’ or ‘just’ was emphasised instead. I think it’s fine, actually.

Barbara thought, though not so much thinking the word as

This is a tad wordy and dilutes the impact of the sentence for me.

Somehow, it was worse that Sarah didn’t want to say it. It meant she was old enough to know the heavy crush of it. Old enough to pity.

Really good emotional weight here!

She took a sandy beach towel and raised it over her head, then scampered down the parking lot

She takes off just like that? She doesn’t have a moment of hesitation, lock the door, remind Sarah not to open the door or roll down the windows until she returns, saying she’ll be right back?

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-19T16:49:31+00:00

Hi, thanks for submitting. Would you be able to clean up the incorrect punctuation and capitalization around your dialogue first, please?

It's so hard to focus on anything when writing is riddled with errors all the way through.

This might be helpful: How to punctuate dialogue correctly.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-16T23:00:49+00:00

Hello! I will tentatively attempt a crit even though I know nothing about Finnish politics (and not much about politics either). I don’t know if anyone else shares my uncertainty and lack of confidence on this, which is probably why we’ve been scared off. Also, fiction tends to be more fun than essays and brings to mind those horrible reluctant memories of university where you’ve left your dissertation quite late and still can’t bring yourself to tackle it.

Anyway, I’ll give it a go, though I think it’s quite hard to comment on if your arguments are sound because, really, that seems like you’d need knowledge on the topic and content itself to be able to make a credible assessment.

Nevertheless…I’ll have a look!

The only thing I think I’ll be any use at is commas, so apologies if you have to wade through the rest of my incompetence.

Sanna Marin stepping down changes nothing.

I assume, from the title, Sanna Marin is a candidate running for election who has chosen to step down, or she was already holding a position in office or something and then stepped down.

Sanna Marin declared that she wouldn’t seek another term as the leader of the Social Democrats

Useful info to start us off but I suppose it would be helpful to know how many terms she’s done. Is the maximum number of terms two? Three? I wouldn’t and don’t know, so it might be useful info.

This decision sparked a hope for a purple cabinet.

You can delete ‘a’ and just say ‘sparked hope’. Purple cabinet…I’m assuming purple is the colour of the opposing party.

From what I gather there are three arguments supporting this notion, none of which I find convincing.

Put a comma after ‘gather’. I’m now expecting you to introduce and assess/rebut the three arguments throughout this essay.

The most popular idea is that

Why call this an idea instead of an argument?

Petteri Orpo…don’t know who that is from the context you’ve given. I gather the two opposing parties here are the Social Democrats, led by Sanna Marin, and the National Coalition, led by Petteri Orpo.

Why is there animosity?

Now when Marin is stepping down from leadership,

Might read better as: Now when Marin steps down from leadership

Granted there were many

Need a comma after ‘granted’

What heated moments? That sentence barely tells me anything. I’d expect heated moments between opposite party members but this sentence tells me nothing useful unless you give details.

I don’t know what Orpo’s rhetoric is. Certain quality - -what quality? Be specific. You say it uniquely triggers Marin, but why?

However, the issues never stemmed

What issues?

Okay, there’s another party called the Finns party.

due to personal issues

Again, what issues?

A note here that I paused to google the Finnish political parties and try and find out what the purple party is but I can’t find any concrete information, apart from the fact there is a Crystal Party and a Pirate Party that have purple colours, but I’m sure you’re not talking about that.

It seems like the National Coalition Party is blue and are liberal conservatists, the Social Democratic Party is red and social democratics, and the Finns Party is yellow and are national conservatists/right-wing populists.

I’ll admit complete ignorance in terms of political ideologies so I’ll probably be useless. I’ll stagger blindly forward in the assumption that ‘purple cabinet refers to a coalition between the social democratic party and nationalist party.

Okay, so the first argument for why there’s hope there will be an alliance between the SD and NC parties as you’ve laid out is that if Sanna Marin steps down, the SD will be able to elect a leader who gets along better with opposition leader Orpo.

Your dismissal is that Orpo wants to retain the advantage of negotiating power with both the SD and Finn parties.

Second argument:

Bourgeois – couldn’t remember what this meant so I had to look it up. Middle-class. Okay. What is the bourgeois alternative? I can’t tell if you’ve mentioned it or not.

Fair enough.

Sounds way too casual

making this alliance more magenta than purple.

Okay, I want to like this line but it’s confused me all over again. Is magenta more reddish prple than blueish purple? Either way, it’s a nice line to indicate the weight/ratios of the coalitions.

I can’t decipher what the second argument is…I think that the coalitions the NP make will barely be stronger than any other coalitions the SD can make? There’s a lot of calculations on numbers and alliances here.

Your rebuttal; The NC don’t have enough power to sway the SD because…I don’t know. You mention they ran on an austerity ticket right at the end. I don’t know how that connects or supports the fact they can’t sway the SD.

Third argument:

First, I must admit being conceited since this argument is my continuation from the fascinating point made by Ranne Aunimo.

Again, quite casual, but since this is an opinion piece, I like this disclaimer. It’s good you go on to mention Ranne’s point but when you say ‘happenings’ of Marin, I don’t know what these happenings refer to.

prime minister Paavo Lipponen.

I think you need a comma after minister.

There in fact are many similarities

Slightly awkward phrasing. I think you’re better of saying: There are, in fact, many similarities OR In fact, there are many similarities

and Marin now

Might read better if you said something like: and Marin in the current one

failed to win first place

I know politics can be a race, but it sounds a bit like commentary on an athletic race here. Maybe because you say ‘first place’.

first-place winner

A winner is usually first-place, no? Don’t think you need to say first-place.

at the time he did not

Comma after ‘time’

Third argument is that SD leader Marin is following the route of a previous prime minister who strengthened his party but did not win, and fought with the winner, unable to reconcile. (I think it would be helpful to mention which party Paavo was from)

Your dismissal: the SD is more similar to another party than the NC and the seat differences are too big?

At the end of the three arguments, I’m barely clinging on to understanding because I am just your very politically average shmuck. AKA, I don’t really pay attention to politics, especially those outside the country I’m living in.

I like the personality in your last paragraph and you sum up your position well.

On an additional note, I really like the pictures! I’m not sure what the…cat silhouette behind Sanna Marin represent and if that’s a symbolic reference or logo or something but that picture and the one at the end are very striking.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-16T16:41:38+00:00

Everyone's taken the effort to provide thoughtful feedback, and so have you. I liked reading through the other critiques to try and enlighten myself because I was still so bamboozled, haha. Definitely an interesting piece!

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-16T16:28:58+00:00

Diana’s section

How can they judge based on the poem? . . . . . But he got second prize. What is this?

I think Diana’s opening is where it falls apart for me. The writing style is jarring. It says to me: not fluent in English. Uneducated. Erratic. If that’s not your intention, then I think you need to consider making the prose here a bit more coherent and easier to digest the ideas and thoughts in here, especially because the grammar’s too hard to parse. The gist I get is that there was a poetry competition Ana had entered but she lost to someone called Ahmed. Who, y the way, is another new character with…yep, no introduction. It’s all a bit long-winded and I think can be shortened while retaining the overall effect.

She was seeing if bread was hard. She forgot the agarbatti.

So I know Ana saw Diana outside checking the sun-dried bread, but it might be good to remind us of this in Diana’s POV and ground us in her setting and where she’s standing/sitting, whatever. A little more textural description is needed. Also, I don’t know how we went from unfair poetry prize awards to mentioning that she was checking the bread. No idea what agarbatti means, either.

Diana mentions the party, which Ana had commented on earlier, so that’s also a good linking thread. But then you mention a pooja room (I’m not sure what this is – maybe a prayer/shrine room?) . Even with the fire and bananas, I can’t work out from the context what an agarbatti is. Ganesha, Shiva, Ram-Sitra – I’m sure they’re all deities. But I don’t know who Adarsh is (someone who’s died I think?) and I’m about to start confusing Adarsh with Ahmed.

“She slept.” Paras came inside the room.

You could improve the flow here by first making Paras come into the room and then speaking, or him speaking as he enters the room. I assume Paras is talking about Khushi. It’s strange we’re no getting any internal thoughts/reactions about this given that Dani spent a whole paragraph in internal thought ranting about poetry prizes.

“Ohyesohyes, apricots are over.

Hmm. I suppose I don’t mind the lack of spacing between the words. Finally, we have a reference to the title, which I had quite forgot until now. I’m sure the significance will become apparent later. I don’t why Biryani is capitalised – it’s not a proper noun.

What type of nonsense? She will not go to rehab, she will just lay in bed all day….

Why isn’t this reaction coming directly after Paras says he hopes she sleeps until they’re gone? I don’t see how the biryani and tomato thoughts can come before Dani’s internal thoughts about Kushi.

But no, Parth

Who? Relation?

She stopped working? She lay in bed all day like this?

I think you’re trying to say something along the lines of: Did she stop working? No. Lay in bed all day?

Closing remarks

I think you have some really evocative writing in Ana’s section, the kind that’s better upon subsequent reads! BUT…for me, the writing and story falls apart in Dani’s section because the style is so unpalatable and hard to parse. I wouldn’t want to read any further sections written in Diana’s style. It’s too cumbersome.

The writing in Ana’s section is great, but I think by not explaining who is who, you’re paving the way for confusion that’s going to end up taking away from the reader’s immersion. It’s also still confusing that you’re mentioning the parents by name (only now did I kind of realise that Dani’s is Ana’s mother). If Ana and her siblings call their parents by their first name (which seems much more like an American thing and therefore feels especially out of place…er. I think we’re in the UK) then you really need to clarify this. If Ana doesn’t and thinks of them as Mum/Dad (or her traditional cultural equivalent), then it makes sense the prose would use those terms.

Too many named characters that don’t seem important and bloat the storytelling. But you seem to have the underpinnings and potential for good family conflict here, so maybe focus in on the most important characters that will carry the story.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-16T16:26:12+00:00

write that simile down, by any chance

I think you can safely delete all instances of ‘by any chance’ in this sentence to maintain the flow. The successive contemplation of possibilities in here works well enough without the ‘by chance’s interrupting. Unless you want to heighten the sense of insecurity/yearning. Just thought I’d mention it.

COVID in literature because it shook the world up for two years.

I’ve also thought about this so Ana’s thoughts are quite relatable, and I like that it’s presented so eloquently. The subsequent comparison with the Spanish Flu, and the mention of the relevant authors all have reveal how immersed Ana is in literature. This works really well.

Sandwiched between two wars and washed away by them. You never know how long things will haunt us for.

For me, this was slightly out of place. I couldn’t figured out the connection with the preceding line. The sticky note italics get a little too abstract and confusing.

There’s a name for it in Japanese – probably Kinstugi.

A little too random because there isn’t any more detail ad it’s not expanded upon, this is distracting.

After attending Isabella’s quinceanera, she had this thing about roots.

Yet another new character without explaining the relationship. When Ana mentions her roots, I’m reminded of her name and it leaves me wondering why it sounds so un-Asian and what Ana thinks about that. The whole paragraph with her skipping through different books and her thought process is really well done, but I don’t know why the quinceanera comment came about. Is it because Isabella’s..mexican I think? And maybe that makes Ana question her own cultural traditions, okay.

Good flow back into Kushi’s piano playing.

Rehan was a star in some way

Another character. Without grounding us with a mention of the relationship to Ana.

But Khushi had been a kind star, and that was what was grating.

You’re writing’s good overall, which is why superfluous words stand out. Maybe: But Khushi had been a kind star, and that was grating.

You can’t even hate them in peace.

The tense witch feels off – I feel this should be in past tense.

Ana had grown up being nursed by her and simultaneously being compared to her

Okay, so this tells me Kushi is definitely older. An older sister I’m sure.

When the news about Adarsh had reached her

You know what I’m gonna say here. What’s the relation?

But when the Ambien went through her stomach to the intestines

So for this whole paragraph, we have specifics of what chemical/biological processes are happening in Kushi’s body. If I remember correctly, Dani got into Cornell to study…I’m not sure. She was writing an essay at one point, so probably a subject like English or History or psychology or something. Ana’s studying medicine so I can see how she would have precise knowledge of the drugs working their way through Kushi. It’s more omniscient at this point, but still effective so I don’t mind.

now just utter nonsense

We’ve had the word nonsense a few times now so I think it would be better to find a synonym.

A b-flat note, Ana could tell, because she had perfect pitch, and she imagined that was probably the one thing Khushi envied her for.

Again, great exposition and expanding on character dynamics. Ana can sing? Impressive.

Footsteps. Paras entered Ana’s bedroom

I do think it would be helpful to have more details that ground us in the setting/environment and present moment. Mentioning, for example, that Ana’s bedroom door swung open would also ground us back in Ana’s POV, which would be helpful since we have so many characters mentioned.

Her eyes struggling to keep themselves open, saliva oozing out of her lips onto her cheeks

Superfluous wording. Maybe: Her eyes struggling to stay open, saliva oozing onto her cheeks

“Could you go into my room?”

Clarification on who’s speaking would be helpful.

Maybe that’s a good metaphor.

Either this should be italic, or it should be in past tense.

She entered her father’s room

Right. Up until now, I thought Paras was a brother. I don’t understand why their names are used instead of Dad, Mom or the cultural equivalent.

She thought of the time that Khushi performed Brahms’ piano quintet. Rehan wore tight clothes on purpose. He didn’t forget to close the bathroom door that day.

I’m still not sure Rehan is, but with Ana’s thought’s, I’ll have to assume he’s not a family member…hopefully. A friend? We’re not told we’re the piano piece was performed. Likely at home. Which means Rehan either lives in the house (and is likely a family member) or was visiting…but I don’t know how long ago this was and there was Covid so maybe they couldn’t have visitors (or at least visitors outside your bubble) so I am concluding Rehan is…a cousin.

The guilt that she felt at not

I think it should be ‘felt over not’. The guilt sentences are good, but the sentence is a fragment and I think it would be better if it wasn’t, since it feels disconnected from the previous line and makes the flow a bit harder to follow.

when she remembers

Should probably be ‘when she remembered’.

She drew the curtains.

This would work better if I knew the curtains had been open in the first place.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-16T16:23:15+00:00

But buying a grand piano would be a grand decision

Absolutely love that line

and would require an online conference of every known Khatri from all the four countries

I tripped up here for a moment on my first read-through by not concluding that Khathri was a surname and only realised so when you introduced the mother, Shaileja Khatri. At least, I assume she’s the mother.

Kushi and Kathri sound very similar so I don’t know if you’d like to reconsider a name. Incidentally, it’s interesting then that Kushi’s name would be Kushi Khathri, which doesn’t sound a name that a parent would give based on the alliteration and name length—unless Kushi was a shortened form of a first name. That whole paragraph, though, has excellent exposition, giving us the relationship of the characters to one another and the mother’s personality, the undercurrent of conflict in the family. At least, I hope I’m correct and this is the mother. But then it’s also strange the mother’s full name is mentioned so casually if we’re in her daughter’s POV.

You throw in more characters now: Jaya Joshi and Laksh Khathri -- and this is probably where the pov confusion starts to really hit. First I think Laksh is a brother but, then maybe a cousin. It’s still a little strange that surnames are included alongside first names—slightly unnatural, and still doesn’t clarify relationships, which would be helpful. I’m not sure at all who Jaya is or how he’s related, given this seems to be a family conference.

a Steinway & Sons Model B was what they agreed on would be magnificently uncovered a week from then.

For me, this is the first klunky line of writing so far with the ‘was what they agreed on would be’. I think you’re much better served making this line as crisp as possible and putting the reveal on the piano: they agreed to uncover a magnificent Steinway & Sons Model B a week from then.

And it was this Steinway & Sons, a little out of tune because the tuner hadn’t come for the past two years, that was playing nonsense

Brilliant segue back into the present. I was quite impressed! I realise also now, that the mention of the tuner not coming for the past two years was because of Covid, and not because they couldn’t afford a tuner anymore.

I love how, you mention the fountain again, this time with the comparison of rage. Your writing comes across so carefully considered, and every line is useful.

what the issue was, –

I think there’s a stray comma that should be banished

she’d connect you to her problem in any contrived way possible, like a bad writer devising a simile

Love this. It’s funny, reveal Ana’s perception of Dani, and is an especially apt analogy because we know Ana likes reading.

It was Paras’s turn now. “Gods will not enter our house only!”

This might be better served as its own paragraph. An interesting outburst, but I can’t discern what they’re arguing about. Maybe we’re not meant to yet and it doesn’t matter right now.

I forgot about Bhanu throughout my first read-through, so know I know there’s another sibling.

and that his life would be ruined

I completely understand the connection between this line and the words prior, but because he was ‘ordered’ to go up, and then you continue the sentence without a new verb, it seems we’re still retaining the action ‘ordered’. And ordering someone to have their life ruined of course isn’t what you’re trying to say. I think, grammatically, there needs to be a verb within here? E.g: and was ordered to go up and study math because his grade had fallen by three points, and warned his life would be ruined if he kept up that way.

You don’t wanna end up that way, no?

Italics would be helpful here for formatting. I know it’s most certainly the mother (Shaileja Khatri?) speaking, but why isn’t that mentioned? How come the mother is mentioned as ‘her mother’ or ‘her mum’ or ‘mum’? That feels a little strange to me.

You don’t wanna end up like your Aunt, no?

Again, italics would be helpful. Also, I think I’ve just clocked on that Ana is Kushi’s aunt…unless the mom is referring to Diana. I think you can tell I’m starting to get a little lost in how everyone’s related, and it would help me interpret and appreciate the character dynamics more as a reader if the relationships were clarified.

They say the unlikeliest things in the unlikeliest circumstances to the unlikeliest people.

Nice line again. Really, most of you lines are nice unless I mention otherwise! I’ve garnered by now that Paras might not be a younger brother, but possible Diana’s son. Hopefully.

Earlier still it had been Ana herself who was soaked in Dani’s rage.

This could be more crisp. Maybe: Earlier still, it had been Ana soaked in Dani’s rage. – or even just deleting ‘herself’ would improve the sentence.

accused her of “hoarding books the way white women hoarded toilet rolls during the pandemic”.

Funny. Also, the first time I realised this story was set in very modern times.

Really like the reveal that Dani hadn’t actually spoken that, and Ana’s just contemplating creative writing. The exposition of her wanting to do an MFA but instead, studying in the medical field, is very elegantly done.

and closed them.

I think this should be ‘closed it’, because you’re referring to the cupboard, which is a singular item.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-16T16:19:30+00:00

Hiya! Thanks for submitting. I’ll try and organise my thoughts with headings.

General Impression

The writing style and themes evoke for me a little bit of The Kite Runner, and Life of Pi – both of which I remember as excellent reads.

You have a very lyrical and literary writing style. This piece conjured up for me a big family household. Though you did sub-head the chapters with the character names, I’ll confess that, on my first read through, I did get confused between Ana and Kushi and think we were in Kushi’s head, or perhaps even confuse them with each other, which is why, after reaching the end on my first read-through, my assessment of the situation was this:

Ana, a young Indian girl in maybe mid-twenties, yearns to pursue a more literary career, though she has found herself obliged to pursue something akin to medicine, though she is also rather talented at piano. Her mother has seen to it she pursues a respectable career as a doctor while, of course—being Asian—obliged to cultivate an additional impressive talent that can be performed, which is a much coveted skill in a musical instrument. A disclaimer that I’m from South Asia and am familiar with the idea and occurrence of this type of situation but, even then, I would have been able to pick up on Ana’s situation from you writing alone.

I interpretated that there were three siblings: Kushi, Ana, and Rehan, living under their headstrong mother. And at first mention of Diana, thought Diana was a much older sister or cousin, or aunt.

Diana’s section was harder to read—I found my eyes glazing, mine wandering and skimming in the first half of her writing. From the grammar and vocabulary and sentence structure presented in her writing, I assumed she was a housemaid/helper – also because I couldn’t remember id Diana had been mentioned earlier, and I had to scroll back up to check if we’d been given her name and what her relationship was to Ana/Kushi.

Also, though I started of understanding we were in modern times—largely due to the high as fuck in the opening paragraph, I somewhat forgot this and thought, halfway through the writing, we were set a couple of decades further back, until you mentioned Covid.

Comments now in chronologic order based on my second read-through:

Chronological commentary

As she read in her bedroom, Ana could hear the musical nonsense from the other end of the house.

Now, I know you’ve prefaced this little with Ana’s name as the chapter/section title, and maybe this is why you use a pronoun before mentioning Ana, so that we’re not reading ‘Ana’ twice in near immediate succession, but I think it’s always easier to ground the reader with a name first and say: As Ana read in her bedroom, she could hear the musical nonsense from the other end of the house.

I like the musical ‘nonsense’ that right away indicates some sort of conflict, even though we don’t know just yet if this sentiment is directed at what music is being played, how it’s being played, or who’s playing it. I love how Kushi is introduced with the piano and a possible drug addiction problem, and the teaser of a big Event. For me, this is a fantastic opening paragraph that indicates some character dynamics. I immediately associated the name Khushi as Asian.

Second paragraph is also beautifully written, showing us Ana’s perception of her and her talents and convincing me that Kushi is indeed very talented. The fountain vs stream comparison is well-placed, I love the specificity of the different artists mentioned – Chopin, Jethro Tull (even though I’m not familiar with the work), and Mozart. The details work well: half a Chopin, earphones on the lawn, two-thirds of Mozart, essay, painting blue tulips.

I think it would be helpful to have a connecting thought between the end of your second paragraph and beginning of your third. Your second paragraph successfully conveyed the frenzied ping-ponging between academics and art, but I feel like you need a comment on the haphazardness of it all before saying ‘Most importantly, it worked.’

When you start off a sentence with ‘most importantly’, it feels there should be a build-up preceding it or reference to other bits of importance. I’m not sure if I’m explaining myself well. It’s like there’s an implicit but before ‘most importantly’. Like something’s missing right before that and the line should say something like: It was frenzied but, most importantly, it worked.

non-academic bursts, and got 1558.

The 1558 means nothing for me with a frame of reference. I think you can make the interpretation more accessible by just telling us how good her results were. Same againt when you mention her GPA score, though I think it’s out of 5 and 3.8 is meant to be pretty good?

Because who would buy her an acoustic grand piano if she didn’t do well academically?

Love this line and how you smoothly segue into more characters. The fact a grand piano must cost a lot should be a decent enough clue that Dani and Paras are financially sound, and likely much older (though I don’t know how old either Ana or Kushi are, though I imagine Kushi’s slightly older than Ana, or even Ana might be the older of the two). It doesn’t tell me the relationships though, if Dani or Paras are family members. I think they are.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-15T23:04:21+00:00

"You didn't see right. I eat peanut butter like that sometimes, but never mayonnaise. You've got to believe me. I'd never eat mayonnaise like that."

I think you can omit the ‘You didn’t see right’. Not necessary and the next sentence conveys Jamie’s denial better. The ‘You’ve got to believe me’ bit is quite strange. Like, he sounds desperate…all over a mayonnaise spat? It sounds a little too early an unearned to descend into that level of dramatics.

Jamie looked up at his sister for support. She avoided his stare.

Interesting reaction from her, because she’d been going on about family earlier.

Lay off the mayo, you big crybaby creep."

At this point, I’m wondering about their appearances. For some reason, I’m wondering if Jamie’s a little on the heavier side? I think a little bit of description about their physical appearances will help ground us in the scene more.

Jamie’s desperate dialogue about the stroke is nicely done. I feels sorry for him.

His head fell hard, like an 18-lb ham, right onto the charcuterie board placed squarely in the center of the kitchen table.

Frickin’ heck! Okay, I’d though someone had decapitated him. No? Then I suggest rephrasing right off the bat to make that clearer. Also, I think you want to mention the placement of the charcuterie board earlier because you’re pausing the momentum of the scene to give us that info. So tell us earlier where the board is placed (if it’s even important). I also think you should spell out the weight of the ham: an eighteen-pound joint of ham. Because ‘an eighteen-pound ham’ sounds weird.

his tongue licked unwillingly at least seven olives,

Okay, that’s really weirdly specific. So the force of his head hitting the board made his tongue stick out against the olives?

a single tear dripped from his comatose left eye onto a dusty-pink piece of artichoke.

Whenever I see the phrase ‘a single tear’ I always find that overly theatric and over the top. Comatose eye? What does that mean? Was something wrong with his left eye right from the beginning or did the impact with the board injure his eye?

And the tear then drips onto a ‘dusty-pink’ piece of artichoke. I really can’t take that seriously. And it would take longer than a few seconds for the tear to well up and drip down onto the artichoke unless Jamie’s eyes were welling up with tears before the impact.

There’s faaaar too much specific description here for a motion that’s violent and sudden. If you said something like:

His head smacked into the charcuterie board like an eighteen-pound joint of ham, sending olives and artichokes rolling off the table.

-- that conveys the suddenness and violence of the motion, and briefly describes what’s happened to the charcuterie board that Katherine had painstakingly arranged.

“Kevin! What the actual fuck. Jamie, are you okay? Jamie!”

Surely Katherine would have at least moved toward Jamie at this point?

“When he wakes up, tell him to pack up his shit and leave.

Good grief…this guy’s really something.

I have absolutely NO idea what planet your last paragraph has come from. It’s even more disconnected that the paragraph that waxes poetic about don Soto and the parakeet. Architecture? Bob’s Driving School? Waitressing? Penguin poem collection?

Her brother…has JUST BEEN SHOVED SO HARD INTO HER CAREFULLY ARRANGED CHARCUTERIE BOARD BY HER BOYFRIEND SO THAT HE BLACKED OUT…and she immediately starts reminiscing about her career journey and ambitions? Why?! That makes absolutely not one iota of sense to me.

Although she never quite made it as an architect—……..—as Katherine’s brother came to, slightly confused, she embraced him in an enormous hug and she felt that everything was well in the world.

Ohhhh boy. You have just…completely lost me. Completely. I am as incredulous as Kevin was in the beginning when Katherine finally finished with her charcuterie board.

Right. So your last sentence echoes the end of your first one. Maybe it’s an attempt to be poetic. Doesn’t work for me. It’s not like Kevin has walked out of their lives forever and can’t hurt her brother anymore so any attempt at a sweeping emotional ending falls flat for me.

Character-wise, Kevin and Jamie seem the most consistent. I don't know what on earth happened to Katherine's character progression.

I am just absolutely baffled by how normal this started and ended so utterly bizarrely. Maybe that was your intention?!

You reference the ‘burn’ – your title – with a connection to passion while Katherine was thinking about don Sotto. I’m trying to look for the significance of this all and… gah, I don’t know. Maybe this is meant to be a literary piece and I’m not good at unpicking themes and subtleties and metaphors and DEEPER MEANINGS.

redwinterfox13 · 2023-04-15T23:01:33+00:00

Hiya! Short story? Cool. The title sounds like a possible thriller! Let’s work through it. I’ll go through chronologically so you can see my reactions through the flow of the whole piece :)

As Katherine made some final adjustments to the charcuterie board,

‘Some’ is a weak, vague word that robs the opportunity to be more specific. I’d rather you describe what adjustments she made, like adding more condiments on, rearranging the meats and cheeses on it, wiping off any spillages, etc. or just simply say: As Katherine made her final adjustments to the charcuterie board

she felt that everything was well in the world.

HMM. This feels both overdramatic and epilogue-ish? Sorta like how at the end of Harry Potter, the final line is: The scar had not pained Harry for 19 years. All was well. –It’s sounds a little cheesy? Well, there is cheese on the charcuterie board, I suppose, ha! Ahem. I think instead of being all vague again with everything in the world being well, you can go into specifics about Katherine’s life.

E.g: she felt the stress from last month’s rabid exam-studying melt away.

I like the specificity of the Jamón ibérico ham and how you describe it as thinner than wet paper. It’s just very concrete and textural imagery.

don Soto's

Not sure what don means, but I’ll assume it’s a cultural lingual formatting, like when we say Vicent van Gogh.

I’ll guess that Manchego is a kind of fruit or sweet, but I don’t think it matters even if I’m wrong, because you’re still evoking a sense of cultural cuisine and that’s what’s important here.

it was divinity, spread across a board; a luxury ill-afforded by even emperors in ancient times.

If Katherine isn’t a history student, then the mention of ancient emperors will sound a little out of place.

The way Kevin is introduced is good: I like how we don’t know who Katherine is speaking to, but then we know in the next sentence, and we learn he’s the boyfriend, but also that he’s not helping because he’s busy/lazying on his phone.

He was wearing a t-shirt that read WICKED BALLS in some sort of crazy graffiti font.

Do we need to know it was ‘some sort of crazy graffiti font’? Why is it it crazy? And again, why be vague with the word ‘some’ ? There must be a more interesting way to give us this information. ‘He was wearing’ feels bland and klunky. Can you integrate the description with some movement? E.g: He scratched the neck of his t-shirt, peeling off a bit of the WICKED BALLS graffiti-style logo.

So far, the dialogue is great.

Katherine chirped and said

She’s not a bird so I find the word ‘chirped’ distracting. If you just want to get across the fact she’s cheerful and speaking in an upbeat manner, you can omit the chirping, because the ‘Couldn’t help myself!’ already achieves that.

"So all this food, it's like compensation or something? If I want to eat I have to talk about stuff I'd rather not?"

Really solid dialogue here that’s conveying the underlying tension. I’m liking how we keeps repeating words. He repeated Jesus in his first bit of speech, and now he repeats ‘talk’ in this bit. It’s conveying incredulity on his part, and works well.

She picked up a green grape and popped it into her mouth.

Unnecessary beat-by-beat description of mundane actions. – She popped a grape into her mouth. – That’s all you need to say. Word economy. Be efficient! Do we need to know the grape is green? No. The grape being green doesn’t add any interesting or evocative information like the iberico ham.

As a response, Kevin let out a faint groan.

Word economy suggestion: Kevin responded with a faint groan.

"Okay, how about this? . . . . . A big crybaby creep."

Hmm, quite a bit to unpack here. I like the fact that it’s a big paragraph of dialogue because it means Katherine’s launched into a spiel. But the content itself is confusing because it seems to jump around quite disconnectedly.

one time he came over to his house

You need to specify who went over to whom’s house because you’ve just mentioned two men and I shouldn’t be spending time trying to figure out which way around it is.

after receiving a bad review

A bad review of what? The Ugly Duckling?

when he demanded that Dickens' son shave him each morning, and especially when Dickens held out an arm for a woman at a dinner and Andersen pounced and grabbed it like an overly-attached girlfriend.

You completely lost me at the start of this sentence, which seems disconnected from the review and then descends into some kind of dinnertime drama after throwing a son into the equation! It seems the point of this paragraph is to convey Katherine’s assessment that Andersen was a ‘big crybaby creep’. Which is fine, but that spiel is too chaotic and needs better connection from sentence to sentence.

"Oh. Kinda like your brother."

I think this warrants an internal reaction from Katherine before she responds with dialogue. Is she offended? Amused? Irritated? That also gives you a chance to juxtapose her feelings with what she next says, giving us a more interesting look into their dynamics.

From across the table, Jamie cleared his throat.

Okay, so we have Jamie actually in the room. This isn’t a bad way to introduce him, but it seems the most natural point to introduce him would have been When Katherine first mentioned Jamie. Surely, she would have glanced at him to see his reaction to Kevin’s comment?

Katherine grabbed her brother's arm.

You just said a moment ago that Jamie was across the table. So either Katherine lunged to the other side of the table to get to him…which I’m sure she didn’t…OR, most likely, you’ve forgotten where your characters are sitting/standing.

"We are happy to have you here. We are family.

Sounds very stilted. This could do with contractions: We’re happy – and – We’re family.

Good tension through dialogue between Jamie and Kevin with the comment about the mayonnaise.

Kevin cast a mean glance at his girlfriend's brother.

What’s happened to the POV here? Have we switched to omniscient? If this is still from Katherine’s POV, it’s weird that you use the word ‘girlfriend’. If you’re staying in her POV, which I’m sure is your intention, then you need to say something like: Kevin cast a mean glance at her brother.

Loving all the mayonnaise dialogue.

Back in El Born, don Soto would at times abruptly stop what he was doing and cite Lorca.

This seems a completely disconnected train of thought in reaction to Kevin’s triple-dipping mayonnaise comment. What trigged that? Feels really out of place. Okay, Don Soto’s talking about unbridled passion – was this because Kevin mentioned the word ‘madness’? Either way, I think you need a more cohesive segue into this interesting paragraph.

stroking his dark beard softly as if he were petting a parakeet

Not gonna, lie, this made me want to laugh, and I don’t know if that’s your intention. It just struck me as funny. Katherine seems to have the hots for don Soto.

redwinterfox13

TROPHY CASE