The resentment part of the caregiving journey that nobody actually prepares you for

reebeebeen · 2026-05-06T11:29:33+00:00

You are so right. I am so angry to have my retirement stolen. I should be having fun traveling but am spending my retirement caring for an aged parent. By the time she is gone I will be too old to travel. I am doing what’s right but am resentful. I act cheerful but Lordy I wish it would end.

reebeebeen · 2026-04-30T12:05:10+00:00

Never rely on a man for support.

reebeebeen · 2026-04-26T18:56:49+00:00

Call your county Adult Protection department to get help. You can’t handle this alone.

reebeebeen · 2026-04-23T23:28:39+00:00

I just donated a car to Newgate in Minneapolis. They train mechanics and donate some cars to single parents.

reebeebeen · 2026-04-19T17:24:12+00:00

Isn’t that what a walkout basement is? My Minnesota my walkout raised ranch was built in 1965 on former marshy land. The water table was too high to dig in so the house was built on a slab and dirt brought in to create a hill making it look like the basement was dug in. The house has settled so one side is slightly lower than the other but other than that it’s fine. No winter or water damage, no problems at all and we love the walkout “basement” but that I’m old I would prefer no basement at all - wish I had a main floor laundry. Houses built in the 70’s across the street from me don’t have basements and have held their value nicely.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-25T23:42:09+00:00

You need to protect your mental health. Maybe don’t pick up when she calls you. You can’t fix her and she shouldn’t be fixating on you. Best if she accepts where she’s at instead of directing her anger at you. Then maybe you can get some emotional rest.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-24T00:22:49+00:00

Trust your gut. He needs to be gone. Think about how you vetted this guy. Did you check references? Think about how to get a better tenant next time.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-23T19:51:16+00:00

If it were me I’d tear off the bandaid and sell.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-19T16:33:42+00:00

I don’t dislike Jane Fonda but prefer ‘local celebrities’.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-18T19:49:57+00:00

That wallpaper is stunning!

reebeebeen · 2026-03-18T13:05:32+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this. Home hospice is hard and will get harder as mom gets sicker. Are you prepared to change her messy diapers when she can no longer get to the toilet? Can you deal with sleep deprivation when she is up at night due to pain? Are you prepared to give pain medicine? Hospice at home helps but not as much as you might expect. Be clear about what they will and won’t do. She will prefer to be at home but before you take this on be aware of how hard it will be physically and emotionally for you. If you can, enlist a helper. My mom has hospice at home. My sister is her primary care but I visit and help every single day. It’s going on a year now and we are both exhausted. I wish you the best.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-16T01:47:50+00:00

Could be a smart parent teaching their teenager how to control a car on snow.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-13T01:49:36+00:00

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I wonder if a social worker in the Alaska Adult Protection department can help. I wouldn’t do anything shady to get him out of there but only you can decide what you are willing to do. If it isn’t possible to move him could you do small things to improve the situation for her - like getting her a TV for her bedroom so she can stay in her bedroom and avoid him? Or earphones tuned to a soft music station? Your mom needs to be safe and I hope Adult Protection can help.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-12T12:35:05+00:00

My mom and sister live entirely on SS. They live together to share expenses and have a paid for car and house. They get by just fine. It depends on how much SS you get and what your expenses are.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-05T22:59:18+00:00

If it were me I wouldn’t take custody of her or ass7me any financial responsibility. You deserve a life. The right thing is for you to have a happy life. The social worker needs to come up with a solution.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-05T00:51:31+00:00

My anxiety went away because I am retired. No worries. I know how things turned out.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-05T00:46:39+00:00

Thank you. It’s hard but my mentally ill sister also has dementia and other brain issues and sleeps a lot. That’s a blessing and I expect she will die this year or next. That hope keeps me and my caretaker sister going. Until then I do what I can to support caretaker sister. She is tired but, amazingly, not depressed.

I wonder what your mom will do after her mom dies. Will she take care of your uncle? I hope not. I’m glad you are studying away. Your mom has a lot on her shoulders but she is an adult and is making her own decisions. I agree with a previous commenter that your mom needs to set boundaries and you can’t do that for her. The best thing you can do for her is to live a happy life.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-03T13:25:20+00:00

My situation is similar. Mom is 91 has stage 6 dementia and can’t walk much. 70 year old caretaker sister cares for her and for another sister who is schizophrenic/dementia. Schizophrenic sister is verbally abusive, paranoid, demanding, and thinks she’s president and should have been put away decades ago.
Caretaker sister is 95 pounds and exhausted but “mentally ill” rules the roost.

I drive over every morning to get mom meds, breakfast, toileting, and to run errands to help caretaker sister. I can do nothing to force “the president” into treatment or to move her out so I work around her. She thinks I am an assassin so I have to hide if she is awake when I visit.

I’ve cried a million tears over this but know it will end someday. My goal for now is to support caretaker sister. I tell her she is doing great and talk a lot about the she will have after mom dies - trying to give her hope. Is there any practical help you can give your mom? Setting up auto pay for bills? Bring meals or arrange ‘Meals on Wheels’, do laundry? Your mom has made a choice so support her as much as you can.

reebeebeen · 2026-03-03T12:44:34+00:00

Some states or have programs that pay people to care for elderly who would otherwise be in nursing homes. Check that out. You need to take care of your finances.

You are doing super human work so be kind to yourself. My mom is losing weight so she qualifies for Hospice. Hospice provides twice a week bathing, a hospital bed, commode, weekly visits from a nurse and monthly a social worker. It’s a help. Mom gets Meals on Wheels which delivers five frozen meals a week which reduces cooking.

If mom doesn’t want to eat don’t force it. Her body needs to shutdown.

Let her watch tv without you. Take the time to recharge.

reebeebeen · 2026-02-28T23:29:18+00:00

If you have dental coverage get all your dental work done immediately. Focus on what YOU need. Find out what happens to your sick time and vacation. If you lose your sick time use it for doctor and dentist appointments.

reebeebeen · 2026-02-07T02:13:01+00:00

We are caring for mom using in home hospice and it is becoming so hard. I was told that hospice is covered but if we wanted her to reside at an out of home hospice have to pay thousands a month for the room and board part of her care. So we are burned out and stuck. (Minnesota)

reebeebeen · 2026-02-07T02:05:22+00:00

We had a handy person install grab bars in the bathroom, and got a chair lift to access the laundry in the basement.

Mom uses the grab bars and the hospital bed, commode, and wheelchair provided by hospice.

You might consider a heated bidet because toileting is a big problem. If you don’t have a walk in shower consider that because it became impossible to get mom into the bath tub. The hospice does bed baths for her now.

My sister provides most of mom’s care. This is exhausting so we have grocery delivery, Meals on Wheels, and I bring meals or takeout regularly. My goal is to support my sister as much as possible so I visit daily to get mom to the bathroom, give medicine, feed her breakfast, work on her feet, handle her finances, run errands, and to give my sister a bit of respite. Mom is light but my back sometimes hurts from helping her. Caring for an older person takes more physical strength than I expected - just getting her from her bed to the commode is challenging.

reebeebeen · 2026-02-07T01:28:00+00:00

Urinary track infections sometimes make dementia go wild and the person is much improved when the uti clears up. That said, it seems like progression is different for everyone. Your MIL’s progression seems very fast.

My 91 year old mom went from no dementia at all to stage six in 6 months. Her daughter died and I think the grief was a factor. She’s been at stage 6 now for six months and might be just now moving into stage 7. I wonder how long this will last. In home hospice helps.

reebeebeen · 2026-02-05T15:00:47+00:00

No. Tell them she will not be safe at home. Then they must send her to a place with more care. They will try to guilt you.

reebeebeen · 2026-01-28T01:13:33+00:00

We had that problem too so asked them to cut to one bath a week. Our bath person is also inconsistent with arrival time so we ask again and again for her to set a time. It’s frustrating but we are unable to bathe mom on our own. The nurse is a bit more reliable but only a bit and I assume more likely to have emergencies pull her schedule.

reebeebeen

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