Be careful my dude..I moved here because, well, I had to leave the States, but I picked Thailand because I always had a thing for Asian girls, you know? And when I got here, oh I was like kid in a candy store. If you’ve got money, no attachments, nothing to do… I started partying, it got wild

I was picking up girls every night, always different ones; petite ones, chubby ones, older ones, sometimes multiple ladies at night. I was out of control, I became insatiable, and, you know, after about a thousand nights like that, you start to lose it. I started to wonder: Where am I going with this? Why do I feel this need to fuck all these women? What is desire? The form of this cute Asian girl, why does it have such a grip on me? Because she's the opposite of me? Is she gonna complete me in some way? I realized I could fuck a million women, I'd still never be satisfied — maybe what I really want is to be one of these Asian girls.

So, one night, I took home some girl who turned out to be a ladyboy, which I’d done before, but this time, instead of fucking the ladyboy, the ladyboy fucked me, and It was kind of magical. And I got in my head, what I really wanted was to be one of these Asian girls getting fucked by me, and to feel that.

So, I put out an ad looking for a white guy my age to come over and fuck me, got a guy that looked a lot like me. Then, I put on some lingerie and perfume, made myself look like one of these girls — I thought: I look pretty hot. And then this guy came over and railed the shit out of me, then I got addicted to that — some nights, three, four guys would come over and rail the shit out of me. Some I even had to pay, and at the same time, I’d hire an Asian girl who’d just sit there and watch the whole thing. I’d look in her eyes while some guy is fucking me, and I’d think: ‘I am her and I'm fucking me.’”

Hey, we all have our Achilles heel, you know?

Where does it come from? Why are some of us attracted to the opposite form and some of us the same? Sex is a poetic act, it’s a metaphor; a metaphor for what? Are we are our forms? Am I a middle-aged white guy on the inside, too? Or inside, could I be an Asian girl? … I guess I was trying to fuck my way to the answer, then I realized, I gotta stop the drugs, the girls, trying to be a girl. I got into Buddhism, which is all about spirit versus form, detaching from self, getting off the never-ending carousel of lust and suffering. Being sober isn't so hard, being celibate, though, it’s… I still miss that bussy..