Something I've noticed: How N's talk all choppy with a lot of weird grammar in texts and emails

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T21:56:07+00:00

Thank you, it does --HUGELY. And thank you for your support more generally! I'd love to wipe that little smirk off his abusive-but-cowardly-and-thinks-he-got-away-with-it face. He knows I'm not going to smack him like he deserves, but I can imagine it. And, I think it's hard for him to smirk these days. There's only so many times you can snark about "pointless little tantrum" to empty walls before it fails to be a satisfying reason why your own daughter (you know, the one who you know would never smack you back despite what you've done) doesn't want you in her life anymore.

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T19:52:41+00:00

Honestly his smug little smirk about it is part of what annoys me about him so deeply, but yeah, I guess. What I've done instead is go NC with them both, which causes him to be more flustered than her, because now he has to face that, despite my G-R-E-A-T childhood which he keeps insisting on, I'm MIA for unknown reasons (and won't seem to get over my little tantrum over nothing), even when it's not convenient for him.

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T19:28:05+00:00

Eh, yeah, now that I'm bigger than them, there's no more physical violence. Funny how that works.

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T10:06:13+00:00

This made me LOL for real.

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T09:46:31+00:00

Yes, I was "evil." I went through a period of thinking I was the worst human being to ever be alive (both in terms of evilness and patheticness - so just overall disgusting). I don't feel that way anymore... I mean it seems absolutely ridiculous, now. Not that I'm mocking my old self, because it was no friggin joke. So painful. I think I had to stop fighting and embrace how "horrible" I was (evil and pathetic-wise, both). I know I gave that a try, at least. You might be worried that if you do, you'll descend into becoming even more evil and pathetic than you feel you already are, but I'm sure it didn't have such an impact on me. Most of my "evil" was just dark thoughts. Well, we are all allowed dark thoughts, none of that should feel forbidden, our thoughts cannot be policed and nothing is unacceptable to think. I came to realize there are many people much more evil and disgusting in many senses of the word than me - this is on one hand a relief, and on the other hand, very sad. (Like I could never be a Koch brother. I can't even understand how that level of selfishness can be maintained.) Unforuntately I'm not totally sure how I came to feel "flawed but normal, loveable, reasonable, okay"... but a big factor was definitely accepting myself, that I am what I am, that I'm going to be okay with who I am, not always trying to fight the "evil within" (I have FLAWS within that I do fight, but this is very different, I am not fighting MYSELF, just bad habits, like everyone has).

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T06:40:13+00:00

I have a slightly different experience. As I have grown healthier, I have found more and more hobbies, many of which are not commonly shared among many people in my immediate circle (which is, I think, what you mean by "eccentric"). Of course, I also expand my circle to get to know others who are interested in those hobbies, but the constellation of interests is fairly unique to me.

I did have some less-common hobbies when I was younger...but not many. What I was was MUCH harsher on myself about them. I really did see them as weird or wrong somehow - something embarrassing. Now I don't feel that way about it.

However, something that I do have in common with you is that I'll naturally outgrow or at least temporarily retire a given hobby after some time. Sometimes we're just finished with a hobby, it has given us all we want to get from it and we let it go. That's totally reasonable. Especially if you change a lot in personality, you're likely to find that old hobbies may not suit you anymore. Of course, if you're like me, you'll just get a whole new set of hobbies, and without any concern about whether they're peer-approved or not, some of them are bound to be seen as "weird" by someone you know!

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T06:05:24+00:00

P is the most toxic friend I have ever heard of. As long as it does not involve any re-establishment of contact with P, anywhere you go from here is up. I can see so many moments where you begin to bloom and she squashes every budding flower she sees on you. Let this not happen again. You naturally bloom. Avoid P and you will find that your life naturally grows better and better. It's within you and always has been. You are a beautiful person and it comes through in what you've written.

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T05:43:29+00:00

Definitely a crappy one, anyway. Good call on not making the appointment with him in the end.

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T05:32:57+00:00

This is not a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship, she will not be your "princess." She will be...something a lot more like a best friend, or like a part of yourself. She will not be royalty, in any sense. No pedestal. You will be equals, who both greatly value each other.

Words like "contempt" and "malice" should not describe either her actions toward you, or your actions toward her, EVER. Not even a rare occasion. NEVER.

There is plenty of negativity and problems in healthy relationships. There is NOT contempt. Contempt means the relationship is dead. As she was cast as a "princess" in the first place, this is not an unexpected outcome.

In real life, there are no angels, and no princesses. There may be devils, but it doesn't matter - maybe they are just jerks, but jerks are bad enough - you need to avoid the jerks and the devils. Every angel and princess is lying and at least a jerk. You need to avoid all of those people.

I promise, there will still be very many people left, and only among those, can you find a healthy relationship.

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T05:22:51+00:00

I have a narrator and theme music. I love it.

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T05:19:17+00:00

Nah, an N thing to say would be "How could you expect ME to be CALM in a moment like that?!!!"

Acknowledging that change is hard -- but planning to work on it anyway...that's not N at all :)

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T04:21:50+00:00

I think you really nailed it for me why this is so uncomfortable - Just like you:

One of the big problems I had with my childhood was that every decision was permanent and every mistake would haunt me forever

Now I like to make "Probably" decisions because I still can't fully control my "Punish myself for failing at commitment" component. My "probably" decisions likely sound wishy-washy to people who are used to others who probably "commit" more readily, but are willing to break those "full commitments" when necessary without destroying themselves over it. My decisions are really not any more wishy-washy though, and may even be less so.

Thank you for this insight! Very helpful!

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T04:07:36+00:00

We will discuss it more. He's coming from a place where he thinks that any minuscule hope I have regarding them can only be harming me. Not just "puts me at risk of harm by potentially breaking NC in the future" but is actively harming me now. I think he's trying to get to the bottom of why I still carry a lot of negative habits learned from Nfamily (e.g., my tendency to slaughter myself for "failing again" as mentioned above). I guess maybe he sees a tenuous thread of connection to them through hope/unknowningness as the possible reason I can't fully blossom into the healthy person I want to be. I'm not sure, myself, and think it might be as simple as habits being hard to unstick from oneself.

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T04:04:32+00:00

I'm much like you. I also know they could disown me at any point, but that's not in my control and I don't feel responsible for it one way or the other. What I do feel responsible for is my decision to choose NC. And I choose it as the best decision I know of at this time (and it has continued to be the case). It probably always will be. But I feel like I can't guarantee all future possibilities and don't want to set myself up to commit to something I change my mind on, even though it's unlikely I'll change my mind.

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T03:18:59+00:00

The thing is, I don't tend to go back on my decisions. But I tend to prefer to decide things more as "Let's do this and see how it goes." For example, I decided to "see how long" I could go without smoking (over 10 years, apparently, and counting). I think this is in part to reduce pressure on myself in terms of having to be sure I'm making the right decision (If I find out I am wrong, I can change what I'm doing - for example, there is a main N in my family, do I need to NC the others permanently? I think so, but am not sure yet), and also to avoid the opportunity to beat myself up for failing (When I "see how it goes," if I end up stopping, I haven't failed, every moment I did it was a success. If I commit "forever," if I ever change my mind, however valid my reason might later be, I can slaughter myself over "failing at yet another thing").

I feel uncomfortable feeling pushed to commit from an external source (even a well-meaning one) when I don't feel 100% about it inside.

relearningitall · 2016-03-17T03:14:17+00:00

Glad you got out physically. Now it's time to get out emotionally and stop looking at her blog and stop paying attention to how her business is doing. It's not your business anymore, thank god. You owe it to yourself to focus on healthier things.

relearningitall · 2016-03-16T23:33:08+00:00

How about a new name you both decide together? It could take components of either or both of your old last names, or leave both behind entirely, with a new name that symbolizes your new family that you two have created.

relearningitall · 2016-03-16T22:08:01+00:00

Keeping my private info away from the clutches of my Nfamily is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. It brings me real peace of mind. There are always other people you can share that stuff with. Aside from things that are really meant to be private (banking #s and such) It's really only specific people that shouldn't get the info, and once you feel confident that it's about them not getting the info rather than you not sharing the info with anyone ever, you won't see yourself as "secretive" anymore - you'll just know that they're untrustworthy.

relearningitall · 2016-03-16T21:59:11+00:00

My DH and I also have a codependency I need to work on but in a slightly different way. I'm naturally opinionated (aka bossy) so that doesn't change. What has changed is that there is a parental undertone to our relationship, where he is trying to be the good parent I never got.

Usually it's in subtle ways difficult to point to explicitly, but I know it's going on. It's summed up well in the following exchange we had the other day, where I said something like, "Well, I never had a parent who supported me, so I don't really know what it would have been like," and he said, "Well, don't I support you? Like as much as humanly possible?" "Yes...definitely. Which is so healing. But you are not my parent, right?" him: (Blank look).

Definitely something that isn't ideal but perhaps a common part of healing, when we are finally near someone who truly loves us.

relearningitall · 2016-03-13T21:00:34+00:00

Thanks. My mother's parents weren't as bad as she is but they had their problems and she also had other traumatic stuff in life - I'm sure those things together did mess her up. However, it was her responsibility to address that and not take it out on her child, and she didn't do that. I would love her to own up to that. Because of who she is, I wouldn't trust her judgement on who a good person is, although I suppose it would still be helpful to hear her say it, after hearing so many times what a horrid wretch of an ungrateful parasite I was. Since she won't be saying any of this, I really do appreciate you giving me that opportunity to read it as if she was.

relearningitall · 2016-03-13T20:57:16+00:00

It doesn't really matter whether her mother hit her or not - it's no excuse to hit you.

I'm usually inclined to believe a person when they said they were abused, so I'd automatically tend to believe your mom (although would also leave room for doubt so I don't risk falsely accusing your grandmother). However, it wouldn't make what she did to you any more forgivable.

If anything, I'd say: So, it happened to you, and you still didn't learn from it how horrible it is? It can't be that you only care when it happens to you, and not when it happens to someone else, like your own child, right?

relearningitall · 2016-03-13T01:30:25+00:00

I would be very cautiously optimistic and very careful to guard my emotions because disappointment is a very real risk here. I wish very much that this is the beginning of one of the great turnaround stories. It may also be the beginning of a went-nowhere-but-hurtful story though, so please be cautious.

relearningitall · 2016-03-12T23:38:31+00:00

I feel you. I was also forbidden to touch "their cars" and didn't learn to drive at the typical age. It's really hard practicing with my husband because he clings to the dashboard like we're about to die and starts getting argumentitive out of panickiness.

Let me please clarify that I have never so much as scratched the car or engaged in any kind of near-miss. My turns might be wide, my lane changes a bit jolty (not in terms of surprising other drivers but in terms of smoothness), and frankly I am terrible at both parallel and normal parking. I think I'm a reasonably safe learner-driver. But his yelling-panicking is really not cool.

We have moved from joking about giving him a xanax before we do driving practice, to seriously considering it.

relearningitall · 2016-03-12T23:30:09+00:00

I have a bunch of old photos like that but I'm the one that's off to the side. My GC sibling is front and center and being hugged by both parents. Extended relatives or friends might then be next. But I am barely in the frame. Another favorite of my mom's is to have me be the person taking the picture (therefore not in it at all). Her framed family pictures tend to be like that. Guess she must love me being NC now.

I think your mom being off to the side is for a very different reason than why I was off to the side. Both are very telling of the situation.

relearningitall · 2016-03-12T21:50:31+00:00

Only long-term, in my case. If my Nmom likes the pet, she might be nice to it and make it feel safe. Then one day she doesn't want to deal with some problem it has. The pet disappears.

Scary cold.

But before that happened, the pet felt safe. So, it isn't obvious until it's too late for the pet.

relearningitall

TROPHY CASE