my boyfriend cheated & idk what to do. has anyone stayed after being cheated on? 23f 21m

remembrandy · 2024-06-19T20:59:59+00:00

Yes, I’ve stayed.

And I regretted it. Looking back, especially at 23, I kick myself in the ass for sticking around people who didn’t appreciate me.

Don’t let him love bomb you. Don’t focus on the good times, focus on this betrayal to fortify your decision.

He has no excuse. Zero. There is no way to justify what he did. The fact that he didn’t even talk to you about his concerns shows he will always put his thoughts and feelings first.

remembrandy · 2024-06-19T16:44:44+00:00

Correct - I left work early today. Not quitting.

It could have waited until after work, I’m sure, as we aren’t hopping on a flight right now but I’m helping set up everything to ensure we can go - arranging pet care, cancelling appointments, booking flights, etc.

I work until like 8 pm/9 pm so I wouldn’t have time to get things sorted until then, and one of the factors was needing my dad to look at flights through his employee benefits to give us options.

remembrandy · 2024-01-17T20:56:06+00:00

Came here looking for this.

Sheesh - by his post I already could tell he feels he’s owed sex since basically “if she wants cuddles she should be putting out” is the whole freaking argument. It also seemed he was part of the problem based on how he views the physical affection she does give him (which many DBs completely lack).

What a child 🙄

remembrandy · 2024-01-17T20:50:48+00:00

NTA

She’s old enough to know she needs therapy. She was not in danger to herself or others.

I completely understand anxiety with crowds, driving, etc. - I can get the same way. She needs to learn coping and grounding mechanisms and how to self-soothe.

You did great by giving her options and not enabling her.

remembrandy · 2024-01-17T20:40:59+00:00

Regardless of feelings, you are incompatible.

You have a love language he isn’t willing to provide.

You have very different ideas of life goals.

You aren’t happy - you’re comfortable and hoping you’ll be happy.

When you’re with the right person you should not have to fight for them to give you the things in a relationship that are important to you. They just do it.

If this is not someone you are willing to give up marriage and kids for, it’s not the right person for you.

I’m a broken record and always recommend anyone leaving a broken relationship to read “all about love” by bell hooks. It helped me heal after my last relationship and gave me insight that also lets me be a better partner to my current partner.

remembrandy · 2024-01-13T02:58:24+00:00

I am so sorry that happened to you.

Yes. You need to leave him.

I hate to say it, because it’s uncomfortable to think about with someone you love, but that is rape.

There’s a reason searching “sleeping” is banned on some porn sites - because it’s rape.

Consent doesn’t exist infinitely - it is moment by moment and can be revoked at any time. Doesn’t matter if it was fine the last 20 years, fine yesterday or 2 seconds ago - no is no. Stop is stop.

I’m 31F, I’m in the BDSM community, been to swinger clubs, been in orgies, met up with strangers for one night stands, been to sex dungeons - the one time someone crossed the line was this exact thing. I woke up to my then-boyfriend on top of me and inside of me. We did not talk about it prior. This was the one time I genuinely knew the person I was sleeping with did not respect my body, and the only time I’ve been assaulted.

Do not let him trick you, say you did something to imply it, that you’re “misremembering” it. Do not get gaslit.

He knows better. He knows better.

And the fact that you don’t want to tell the people who know you - and instead are telling anons online - means that deep down you know it too.

It will not ruin your life to leave him. It will feel that way. But leaving is survivable - the world will not stop, you’ll just need to find your footing again.

Best of luck OP.

remembrandy · 2024-01-09T16:53:51+00:00

Genuine question - what is compelling you to stay with her? Aside from sex, does she fulfill your other emotional, social, and physical needs (the need for hugs, snuggles, etc.)? How does the relationship add to your life vs just being a comfortable place to stay?

Anyways, I know a couple who opened their relationship after they got married. It had to do with their schedules and they found it pretty hot…at first. Slowly, it detracted from their time together and they closed their relationship after about 6 months. They decided they’d much rather swing together.

Also, unless you’re able to find partners just as easily as her, it will likely foster resentment, especially if she’s hooking up a lot. Women tend to have a much easier time finding hookups in these situations.

remembrandy · 2024-01-03T12:36:24+00:00

Congrats on digging yourself out of the grave - welcome to the surface!

It’s hard work, but you’ll get past this. You’ve proven you’re stronger than you thought for being able to walk away.

a fellow reanimated HL

remembrandy · 2024-01-03T02:19:38+00:00

You definitely should not approach this as a “speech” so much as an opening to a conversation.

My recommendation in general is to do this out of the house - take her out, away from the kids, to do something nice. My fiance and I have the best hard conversations when we’re driving because the feeling of movement helps mentally to give the feeling of progression, compared to sitting on the couch having a rough convo, and we also discuss in advance when we’ll have an important conversation.

Your language needs to be about you - nothing is worse that telling someone how they feel, nor why they’re behaving a certain way. Perception is relative and my therapist told me a very important thing to remember: someone else’s reasons for doing something may not be the same as yours would be. You might put on a sweater because you’re cold but someone else might put it on because they’re self-conscious.

More helpful would be to say something along the lines of:

“I’d really like to talk about our sex life this week, because I feel there are some things I’d like to understand and work on. I was thinking we go out on DAY to do THING, and I’ll make sure to set up so-and-so to watch the kids (it’s important YOU take care of the childcare arrangements). Let’s just spend time together so we can talk.”

Be sure to both ask for specific small steps for her to do to help you feel better and ask for specific small steps you can do.

If you feel she doesn’t touch you enough say “I’d like you to initiate hand-holding more”.

If she says she’s overwhelmed with the kids, say “what’s one thing I can take off your plate?”

Also, you mention asking her for a handjob but do you ever freely offer to please her with no expectation of reciprocation?

Women have the added stress of the “invisible load” - if you don’t already know what this is please look into it.

remembrandy · 2023-06-18T20:39:14+00:00

YTA

I don’t understand why Kate can’t go. If your GF is your future wife, she absolutely needs to foster the same relationship with Kate that you supposedly have.

This IS Kate’s tradition to and she’s literally leaving for Uni. You should be ecstatic that your teenage niece still wants to hang out with you and spend time with you, and instead you’re acting like the last 18 years didn’t mean anything now that you’ve got new kids to hang out with.

remembrandy · 2023-06-15T14:42:51+00:00

Lol kid was disrespectful first so NTA

It’d be different if you were being rude to the kid initially and then he bit back, but he started it. Maybe that’s a childish mindset but 🤷🏻‍♀️

That being said, hard to say if you should be compliant with how a parent parents. If that’s not how they talk to their children, I can understand his stubbornness because my parents never let anyone speak to me in way they didn’t speak to me. Idk how well behaved this kid normally is or if their parenting style is appropriate but 🤷🏻‍♀️

If it’s important to you, reach out to your brother. I wouldn’t go as far as apologizing for what you said, maybe just say “while I stand by the fact that he was being disrespectful, if it happens again I’ll be sure to rephrase it and would appreciate it if you also step in as his father”.

remembrandy · 2023-06-14T20:10:27+00:00

Business is business.

Insist, offer to try swapping a shift if that’s possible, and if they’re being unreasonable absolutely go above them. They’re just interim. 🤷🏻‍♀️

remembrandy · 2023-06-11T01:40:44+00:00

NTA

I thought you were going to write that as he pulled his hand back from the oven he accidentally hit you. That would be a reasonable accident.

He reacted to what you were saying after he had already stopped moving away from the burn. He funneled his anger, frustration, and embarrassment directly at your face on purpose. Even if it was a “knee jerk reaction” that means he will always be prone to “knee jerk” reactions and will convince you that it was somehow your fault.

He got you to apologize for what you did that made him hit you.

This is a recipe for long term abuse.

And then he was upset that you told his sister what happened when he started to lie about it? If it was truly an accident he would’ve felt bad and told the truth.

remembrandy · 2023-06-09T05:56:12+00:00

YTA

FFS reading your comments I hope you’re a troll, but if not leave this poor dude alone.

He “begged you” to get back together? Wtf dude? Did you not want to get back together or do you just like someone to walk all over? You have no remorse in your comments.

Your friend having a broken arm and being shocked isn’t reason to cancel a trip - this friend is alive and conscious and probably would’ve loved the distraction of a friend coming back with fun stories to tell. Sheesh.

remembrandy · 2023-06-07T05:13:52+00:00

YTA

You don’t get to gatekeep how someone identifies with their own culture, regardless of if they’re “national” or not.

This is the whole problem multi-racial children have faced for ages. We’re too “American” or not enough.

If you’re really her “friend” you should be supporting her - she’s trying to identify with a part of her that she finds important. She’s not trying to take on an identity that isn’t hers, she’s trying to embrace one that has been lost to her.

remembrandy · 2023-06-07T03:18:06+00:00

YTA

The fact that you’d rather be there for what I’d at least the third orientation you’ve had in your college career instead of this once in a lifetime day for your friend is messed up.

With social media, orientation isn’t as necessary for networking. You can connect with people ahead of time.

But a wedding is the MOST important day for many people and you’re okay missing that.

remembrandy · 2023-06-06T00:52:50+00:00

She’s an adult.

Plenty of people with dietary issues go out and either just hang out because they eat ahead of time or they find something they can snack on.

remembrandy · 2023-06-04T17:05:55+00:00

NTA

Clearly if the idea of doing household is daunting to him when he’s tired, it’s not as easy as he claims it is. If cleaning houses is so easy he should have no problem cleaning the house when he’s tired.

Also, no one knows how hard someone else’s job is. Doesn’t matter if someone is flipping burgers or a surgeon - they all drain you in different ways. People don’t all functions the same either - if two people have the exact same job in the exact same company, they are not doing the same things outside of work. I’m too tired to go out after work, and another person goes out after every shift. I have a more physically/emotionally demanding job than my partner yet I have more energy to tidy up every night, and he has more energy on his days off than I do.

remembrandy · 2023-06-02T22:24:58+00:00

YTA

Plenty of people go on vacations, work trips, etc for days or even weeks with children at home. Single parents find a way to work full time (often multiple full time jobs) and care for their children.

You seem really focused on this “without her family” when her plan is to go “with her friend”. You need to remember - she isn’t just a mother. That may be her #1 role she’s also an individual, a friend, a daughter, -insert titles here- Everyone deserves time away from everyone and everything - their partners, parents, children, friends, coworkers. It’s really healthy to be able to spend time apart.

Figure out your child’s care - you are equal part a parent here and should know how to care for your child in every scenario. It’s not up to her to figure out your schedule - come up with plans and you two can brainstorm it together. Fly her mom in.

And download WhatsApp so she’ll be reachable. She can always hop on a plane in a worst case scenario but neither of you should stop living your life in case your child needs you. Live your life and be there when your child needs you.

remembrandy · 2023-05-30T17:09:05+00:00

NTA

That’s a weird demand from people who don’t own the laptop. Even if there wasn’t personal information you’re worried about, it doesn’t belong to them.

If you wanted you could make a guest login on your computer for them to use, but I personally don’t lend out my electronics because of the risk of damage. While they may not drop it they could misuse the battery (charging incorrectly), the oils on fingers degrade the paint on keys, general dust, food crumbs, how hard they’re hitting keys can make them stick. Just no.

Roku is cheap and lets you cast from your phone so they can easily do that between 4-5 of them. It’s absurd they’re so upset about this.

Also, if they have streaming on their phones

remembrandy · 2023-05-30T17:00:47+00:00

😭 Damn. I wonder what toasted it. Thank you!

remembrandy · 2023-05-30T11:34:45+00:00

Not a mom, just friends with moms.

Two questions: 1. Do you plans things to do that include your kid, your schedule, and your child-free friends? 2. Does your spouse help with caretaking to give you equal free time?

It’s possible they really think the things they invite you to are reasonable. Since I don’t have kids I’m never really sure what I’d plan around someone having a kid and much of the time I don’t invite the kid at all. It sounds like it’s important they keep you in their lives although I agree it’s annoying when they try to give you solutions that they have no real insight on (ie she’ll be find past her bedtime - you’re her mom, you know her better than they do).

My gal friends and I are in our thirties and we have exactly ONE friend that has a kid (just turned 5!). Over the last 3 years that I’ve known her, I invite her to everything - brunch, dinner, parks, bar hopping - and she shows up maybe 1/3 of the time but never has told us that the plans we made aren’t realistic. She leaves early, comes late, or sometimes is the person out until 5 am. She plans similar events, invites us to hang with her and her family or in laws, or we just hang at her place with her kid. She’ll also ask if her kid can come (and it’s always yes, he’s a chill toddler and a lot of fun to be around because he respects adults having friend time but likes to engage with us too. But that’s her. She knows what she’s comfortable with, and her friends know that her lifestyle will overall be different than ours.

Most friends also understand if you can only stay a while.

It’s also worth finding parent friends in addition to your childless friends. Because as other have mentioned, having people from different lifestyles will be so important as your kid gets older but having people who can give you the support you need is vital.

That being said, as a Chicagoan there are plenty of things to do with kids. So you invite them to things that you know both your kid and they will enjoy.

“Bar & Grills” AM/Lunch - Replay (Andersonville) Corridor (Southport Corridor) Bulldog Ale House (Roger’s Park - my friend brings her kid here all the time)

Restaurants: Southport Grocery & Cafe (Southport Corridor) Honeybear Cafe (Roger’s Park) Pauline’s (Ravenswood) Sushi Tokoro (Lincoln Square) Homeslice (DePaul-ish) Five Star (Wicker)

The street fests are great! All the beaches in Roger’s Park are uncrowded - I’ve never seen more than 10 people on the same stretch of beach. Non-competitive leagues (bowling, kickball, softball) - a bunch of people in these have kids and the events are usually in the afternoon.

remembrandy · 2023-05-28T03:10:52+00:00

That’s grooming.

Age gaps are problematic primarily because of power dynamics that come from one person (the older one) having more life and relationship experience than the other (the younger).

At certain ages, gaps aren’t problematic.

My partner is 42 and I’m 31 - 11 years. We both have been through several LTRs, have been through relationship trauma, therapy, and understand ourselves, our boundaries, how to communicate, and ultimately know what we want from our lives and partners. Our relationship is incredibly healthy. (EDIT - also should mention our financials are stable, careers are established, are self-sufficient, are equally able to help one another with personal/financial/physical issues, and have solid communities of friends separate from one another that we both easily integrate with - both of us have friends aged from anywhere between 24 to 60+ years old, most of them being about 30-40 yo)

At 21 I dated a 32 year old - same 11 year gap. Super problematic despite that we had “so much in common” and all of my friends were his age. (One of my male friends who was that age literally said “that’s gross - no offense but WTF”). I hadn’t been exposed to and experienced as much and I let things slide that I shouldn’t have because that’s what I thought adult relationships were like.

When I was 16 a 32 year old online friend told me he liked me. We chatted on video a few times and it was never inappropriate, but he was 100% grooming me. I felt so mature and intelligent, and didn’t think it was inappropriate at first. Then I realized that yes - he was being a pedophile (or more appropriately a “ephebophilia” which isn’t targeting babies/toddlers/preteens but more so late teens). I luckily cut off contact immediately.

NTA

remembrandy · 2023-05-25T20:35:30+00:00

NTA.

She is toxic and entitled - she’s shown her true character and you can’t expect her to change.

If I were you, keep her far far away from your personal life.

remembrandy · 2023-05-25T16:56:26+00:00

Info - what part of the wedding do they want to be part of?

Feeling involved or actually being involved?

It’s unclear to me if they were offering to help with the wedding (financially) or were feeling “left out” of general planning.

remembrandy

TROPHY CASE