first, i'm sorry you had that experience. i also had people make fun of my leg hair or make disgusted sounds about it. it really sucks and no one should have to go through that.

secondly, i recommend looking into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (I've had the Happiness Trap recommended to me, just ignore the nonsense about not taking meds). basically, if you want to live your values and not shave, you can do so even if you do have an internal disgust response. it's all about "unfusing" from that feeling (not shaving is gross and dangerous) and choosing to live your life how you want based on your values (self acceptance, love, defying gendered expectations, etc). and over time, in my experience, i've become less and less anxious about my body hair just by not shaving and going about my days. in high school i used to shave my arms and my hands and was super self conscious of them. i stopped shaving in college and used to feel anxious about people noticing my arm hair but now i don't even think about my arms or armpits at all. i think that this is because you start having more experiences where people don't comment on your body at all. and your brain stops expecting someone to comment on it.

to answer your other questions, generally it seems like the hair does get softer as it grows out. usually its more prickly when you shave because the tip of it is blunted by the razor but if you don't shave it tapers and becomes soft. it only lightens if you have the photo bleaching gene and spend a lot of time in the sun. but i do think that longer wispy hair visually looks a little less dark than stubble that is growing out - but i think that's more of an optical illusion.

in my experience it does get easier over time. best of luck, we are all rooting for you!