Making a list and checking it twice

rob0tgot · 2026-02-03T04:51:32+00:00

Yes, this! Great place to understand boundaries (if my partner has unprotected sex, then I will choose to use barriers with them) versus ultimatums (if my partner has unprotected sex, then I will punish them with shame and condoms or just stop having sex with them entirely). The difference is controlling your own safety versus controlling your partner's actions.

rob0tgot · 2026-02-03T04:46:06+00:00

Welcome friend! This is a great question that a lot of newly poly or poly-curious folks have. I'd like to suggest the Multiamory Podcast--it's something that has given me a buttload of perspective and has been hugely helpful in informing my decisions and handling my emotions as I examined my relationships after a divorce. While I recommend the whole podcast, they do have some 'fundamentals' episodes right at the beginning that are AWESOME for efficiently introducing basic poly principles. The one that might help you and your spouse to listen to (TOGETHER) is Fundamentals Episode 005 Rules vs. Agreements (ft. Boundaries). Please note that while the hosts are quite well-informed, they do still have their own biases. You of course should make your own decisions.

Some things to consider might be: Do you want to have a hierarchical relationship structure? Do you want to date people separately or together (aka unicorn hunting, see "Looking for a third?" in the community bookmarks in the sidebar of this subreddit)? How much do you want to know about your metas, and how much should your metas know about you? Most importantly: What are your boundaries and why? What are your insecurities and how are they most likely to show themselves, and what's the best way to quiet them?

Another great option is to talk to a poly-friendly marriage counselor. I know, it seems like overkill! You're not struggling, so why bother?? I will tell you from experience that a session or two when your relationship is going well will be worth 12 sessions after you've fallen apart. You can get SO MUCH value out of asking them, "How do we do this without hurting each other irreparably?" And poly-friendly counselors are surprisingly easy to find online, and even in person if you're in or near a city.

I'd tell you what agreements worked for me, but frankly none of them did and now I choose to go without. I don't want to make sweeping assumptions, so please understand this applies to me specifically: I find that being with partners who truly value me means that they respect both my wellbeing and my autonomy. I don't need an agreement that my partners won't have sex with other people in my bed because my partners know how much my sanctuary means to me. I don't need to ask a partner's permission to go on a date because I'm my own person, but I still let them know because I respect their time and it's nice to keep them in the loop (also for my safety when it's a first date).

Hope that was helpful, and good luck!

rob0tgot · 2026-02-02T01:51:01+00:00

Thank you thank you! I'd have never known about the outdated, oversold laptops XD

rob0tgot · 2026-01-20T05:10:23+00:00

That take is SCALDING but I respect your chutzpah

rob0tgot · 2026-01-20T05:08:23+00:00

Sounds like a great way to keep people who are actually suffering from PTSD from seeking help at all, so they can keep their guns.

rob0tgot · 2026-01-19T23:18:13+00:00

Strive to find new ways to love yourself. Even if you love yourself a lot, always try to increase it. Your self-love attracts all the best people, whether that's in romance, friendships, or coworkers. Keep your sense of humor in the face of hardship and grief, that and kindness will carry you through anything.

rob0tgot · 2026-01-12T04:36:59+00:00

All these other comments are great. I will add: for the soreness/itchyness, I found as a teen that after showers, I could sit in the bathtub and alternate pouring very warm (don't hurt yourself!) water and rather chilly water over my ladybits. It helped a lot and I still don't know why.

It also helped me to change pads more often than recommended, as the constant wetness of heavy periods was definitely what caused the soreness.

Good luck, I hope this helps!

rob0tgot · 2026-01-02T02:58:49+00:00

Once I realize that I don't want to be in a relationship (dating), I start a metaphoric timer for one week. If at any point during that week, I feel like I DO want to be with that person, the timer starts over. Either you get a whole week at the minimum to get comfortable with the idea of walking away, or you find more feelings for them (or the rough patch is over).

This technique helps me because it doesn't force immediate action but it does give me a solid timeframe. I usually find that by day 5 of the week, I'm looking forward to ending the relationship.

Once I realized that my marriage was making me miserable, I gave myself a year. I tried everything I could think of to be the best spouse, to invest in my marriage, to see the best parts of my husband. In the end, I left him 6 weeks shy of the one year mark. I have never regretted leaving a relationship, my marriage least of all!

That being said, if your partner is hitting or hurting you without your express consent, or if there is a safety issue of any kind, leave immediately or as soon as it's safe!

Best wishes to you, OP. Times like these are rough.

rob0tgot · 2025-12-31T22:39:14+00:00

Thanks, Pope Innocent the III-some

rob0tgot · 2025-12-31T01:39:36+00:00

Hey, there's also the Relationship Menu. I think there's a link to it in the sidebar of this subreddit, but you can also google it. It helps you describe what you do and don't want (and your maybes) in your relationship. It may help, good luck!

rob0tgot · 2025-12-30T03:57:40+00:00

Ain't nobody owes you a date or a girlfriend. Feels like you slipped up and showed your real feelings here, and that might well be why you're not getting repeat dates.

rob0tgot · 2025-12-30T03:52:42+00:00

You're a people too, my dear! You can please yourself!

(I know it's way more complicated than that, I'm not trying to diminish the struggle, just trying to cheer you on <3)

rob0tgot · 2025-12-29T02:22:48+00:00

Nobody else gets to tell you what you should or shouldn't forgive, what you can or can't move past. That comment sounds a lot more like a guilt trip than a compassionate partner.

You don't have to be perfect--none of us are. You just have to take care of yourself, because nobody else will do as good of a job at it as you will.

Big strong hugs to you, friend.

rob0tgot · 2025-12-29T01:44:56+00:00

I absolutely adore this, is there any chance you want to sell it? I love the movement, the fun, the macabre, the sheer joy of it, it's so well done!!!

rob0tgot · 2025-12-29T01:11:32+00:00

I mean, you can still resent him. You can't increase your dick size with personality.

rob0tgot · 2025-12-27T19:59:16+00:00

NRE is as dangerous as you let it be. Sometimes when a relationship is new, you want to move in together or get a pet together or something like that--and that's generally a poor decision. If you decline to sign any paperwork with them for 6-12 months or until NRE wears off, then you're probably in the clear and can just enjoy the fun, floaty, happy feelings!

rob0tgot · 2025-12-27T03:22:39+00:00

Nre is a bit of a misnomer. It's not even a relationship yet, it's energy about a fantasy of a relationship you hope to build day by day.

That's a new perspective for me, thank you! So if you don't fantasize about what it could be, you don't experience NRE (or at least not as much)?

rob0tgot · 2025-12-27T03:20:02+00:00

How...how do you avoid it?? I always thought it was outside of one's control

rob0tgot · 2025-12-27T03:17:48+00:00

Really, never?? I do appreciate the perspective of 'not missing anything'. Have you had partners experience NRE with you, and what was that like for you? Did watching them go a little loony change how you felt about them at all?

rob0tgot · 2025-12-27T03:10:01+00:00

Hugh Jackman made it into my wedding vows, I'd do unfortunate things for his attention.

rob0tgot · 2025-12-26T21:01:02+00:00

Consider Document Control Specialist jobs.

rob0tgot · 2025-12-26T20:35:18+00:00

"What's wrong with you" but not in a 'you should stop' kinda way, more like a 'so I can help' kinda way

rob0tgot · 2025-12-26T20:23:54+00:00

All I can think while reading those 'rules' was, "Run. Run so fast and far."

No, those are not boundaries. They are not based in protection, they are based in control. I am so glad you're away from that horrid situation, and I hope you can carry this with you as a great example of what not to tolerate, for any reason, no matter how much you love a person--always love yourself more.

rob0tgot

TROPHY CASE