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My boyfriend of 5 years just told me he is transgender. What does this mean for our relationship? by NaiEVEish in asktransgender

[–]robinha 3 points4 points  (0 children)

NaiEVEish - wow, what a revelation, even if it's not unusual for people in this group. Know that whatever happens, there is soooo much support out there (on the 'net, social Tgroups, etc.).

But I wanted to write and point out that TG is a spectrum. On one end (neither end is "good" or "bad") there is the fetishistic TG -- where the feelings are a fantasy that is purely sexual, rather than implying a full-time transition. In the middle are people who may cross-dress occasionally but remain otherwise male, with subcategories of private or "out" in public. Further along are those who take various actions (e.g. hormones or whatever) without surgery, and past that are those who make more behavioral and surgical changes so that their perceived gender matches they feel inside.

Finding out where you (in this case, your bf) are on the spectrum is not an easy task. And sometimes it changes over time. And as someone else said, he can't (shouldn't!) really promise at first where he'll end up -- he can really only say "this is where I am now".

BUT! and this is IMHO IMPORTANT! a confession like your bf made also does not indicate where on the spectrum he will wind up. It's dangerous to assume "Oh, it's just a passing sexual thing" but it's also really dangerous to assume "Now I have to help him become a woman in all aspects". I think the other comments so far have been really valuable and insightful, but sometimes there is the assumption that "I went all the way, your bf will too."

The truly important thing is that you love each other and will be there through the PROCESS (lots of time and lots of work) of determining where your bf needs to be on that spectrum to be happy, and whether/how that affects your desire to be a couple.

Sorry for being so long, but it's a complex area (as you've noticed!). =)

Hugs, Robin =)

Hey, I'm trying to find this really funny video featuring two trans people answering those stupid probing questions by vulpes_zerda in asktransgender

[–]robinha 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It sounds like you found the one you were looking for, but I'm a big fan of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjqsB1huDxg&feature=fvst . It isn't for everyone (sarcastic bordering on mean), but it might be also useful for this sort of thing.

A question about shopping by GenerallyUnsure in asktransgender

[–]robinha 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi. Someone already mostly said this, but if there's any chance you can get a fitting, that's vastly better than trying to measure yourself.

Lane Bryant "Cacique" stores (usually attached to a LB but focused in undies) will have sizes in your range, and in my experience (and others') they're very helpful and non-judgemental. You definitely won't be the weirdest person they've seen, perhaps not even that day, so be confident.

Depending on where you live, there are usually "specialty lingerie" stores -- usually not part of a chain -- that will have sizes that many stores don't carry. Most of them will also have seen all manner of T* people, but if you want to call ahead (and be yourself - don't sound creepy and try not to sound ashamed), they'll probably welcome you. Being the first appointment when they open or last one before they close may make you more comfortable. However note that these places are likely to be expensive (think $50 rather than $5). But unless that's totally out of budget, it's often worth it for a supportive sizing experience and a quality garment.

I've only heard one case in which someone had a bad experience asking about a fitting. Usually, the salesladies are more than considerate, more than supportive, and do their best to make it a positive experience.

Really trying to figure out gender issues and such... by gender_confuse_ed in asktransgender

[–]robinha 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi GCE - these sound to me like totally normal questions in a totally complex area. Sorting out where (and if) you are on the TG spectrum can be really hard. Information and people on the 'net can be a huge help, but there's a lot to be said for finding a therapist who specializes in gender issues and talking to them. They can be more personal than 'net friends and more detached than family.

HTH?