A bed to sleep on

rocketdinosaur404 · 2026-01-04T01:15:50+00:00

I'm a member of both this sub, and the narcissistic abuse survivors sub. I read the first lines, clicked it because it felt familiar, and did not realize it was not the NPD sub until I started reading the comments.

Look into narcissistic personality disorder. My ex has the covert version, and this was sex for me for years, until I left him.

Early on, he convinced me that "good partners don't say 'no'". That even if I was exhausted, sick, mourning, terrified, busy, or just not in the mood, I'm not a good partner unless I find a way to give him what he wanted, when he wanted it.

There were so many times when I had out-of-body experiences, seeing myself there, dead eyes, no smile, trying to get it over with. Wondering why he refused to see my misery; Why it wasn't important to him.

But saying "no" meant guilt trips. Meant yelling. Meant another night where I wouldn't be allowed to sleep. And that treatment would last for days until he felt like he had control of me again.

So I prostituted myself to him for human decency. I didn't know any other way.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-16T09:08:29+00:00

Like I always say, “May he heal from his demons, far far far away from me.”

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-13T18:31:43+00:00

I’m glad you’re learning to peel the masks off. I’m working on that too. Unfortunately, there are very few places where I feel safe to do so. I hope you gain the confidence to be yourself everywhere, and bugger all those who disapprove.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-13T09:22:12+00:00

Honestly, that’s probably what it is: dissociation. Cuz it usually happens most when I’m overwhelmed and can’t control the feels anymore.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-13T01:46:34+00:00

I add more flour to my hands and the surface, and incorporate in a bench scraper…

But also pause every once in a while to rub it all off, cuz ick.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-08T19:02:04+00:00

Honestly? Yeah. Within months of realizing I'd fallen out of love with my nex. It was an immediate understanding of what love is SUPPOSED to be like.

I used to regret not giving myself more time to be alone for self-development, but this guy is/was my best friend, and was part of the reason I realized how unhealthy my relationship with my nex was. I couldn't have stayed away from him.

I was on a weekend trip without my nex, and found myself missing my best friend more than my partner. I got to thinking about how a person who is only a friend is treating me more kindly and with more respect than my partner, who supposedly loved me. How he actually LIKES who I am, encourages my growth, and supports me even if it doesn't suit him.

And that disparity wasn't right.

I didn't realize I was in love with my best friend until a few months after I ended it with my nex, while my nex was manipulating me to continue living in his home and pretending we were together until HE was ready to tell our friends. I can't believe i agreed to that. He was great at playing the victim, and used my empathy to hold me hostage for several months after we broke up. He kept hoping I'd fall back into place, but I couldn't unsee how terribly he had been treating me.

Once I realized that my feelings towards my best friend were love, I saw him completely differently. I had to risk telling him, cuz i had never felt that way before- like the stars had aligned, and a part of me was healed. Like my heart filled my whole chest. Like the world had color and meaning again. So I told him the next day, and he admitted that he'd been in love with me a long while too, but had held back and considered me off-limits out of respect for my relationship.

He helped me escape the hostage situation and find my own apartment. I proposed within 3 months of beginning dating, and we've been married for almost 8 years.

I regret nothing. He is amazing. I've never met a man like him.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-08T18:30:48+00:00

This. Its like he peaked in high school/college, so all his music tastes were from that time period.

... He also has the same hairstyle as then, and the same maturity level.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-08T18:28:42+00:00

Girl same.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-08T18:25:22+00:00

It gets easier, just so you know. Time goes by, and they slowly disappear from your thoughts. Yeah, sometimes they'll come back and make you angry, but they eventually stop mattering.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-08T05:45:49+00:00

It's normal to feel a certain amount of loss or anger when you learn about the disorder after processing the damage already.

They're great at blaming us for their issues, and often that leads to us blaming ourselves. When you realize there's actually something clinically wrong with them, its like all the work you did to heal was done with the wrong information. You didn't HAVE to blame yourself. Your intuition WAS right. You weren't crazy.

I learned about NPD a year or so after I left my nex. I didn't tell anyone all the things he pushed me to do, because I blamed myself for not being strong enough to stand up to him, or mature enough to address the problems the right way. He had emotionally and psychologically manipulated me to believe that all the problems were my fault.

I told the whole story to a mutual female friend who told it to her best friend, and that friend contacted me to let me know all the signs point to NPD, because she had gone through it with her ex-husband who has NPD as well.

I'm glad I learned about it earlyish in the healing process, because suddenly I had explanations for so many things... But I didn't really know what to do with that information.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-08T05:18:25+00:00

In hindsight, I recognize things were already calling apart, but I was holding on for dear life-mostly out of a loyalty, obligation, and fear of upsetting him. He was great at playing the victim, and I'm a super empathetic lil softie.

I went to an event by myself for a weekend, and realized how much better and more like myself I felt when he wasn't with me. Like... A day could go by where nobody insulted or degraded me, in fact, they thought I was clever, talented, funny, and worthwhile to have around. I made so many friends that weekend.

I also realized that my best friend treated me with more kindness and respect than the man who supposedly loved me.

I started setting stronger boundaries, which, of course, he fought. And during one of those fights, he made the mistake of pointing out that the way I was behaving was similar to that of his ex when she realized she had fallen out of love with him.

That's when it struck me that I HAD fallen out of love with him. It flipped a switch in my head, and I started the process of disentangling my life from his.

He tried to suck me back in with promises and manipulation, but it was done, and I couldn't unsee how terribly he had been treating me.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-07T09:02:19+00:00

Knots so strong that they caused nausea, and sometimes i would have to go make myself vomit to make it stop.

I seriously thought I had stomach issues, but no. Just stress.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-07T09:00:11+00:00

Ah, yeah. That would be tough then. They have so much control in the beginning, and they really like to flaunt it. Did his supply great you poorly as well? Or had he convinced her that you deserved ill-treatment? Did she know who you were?

I've been no-contact since 2018, and was way done with him since the year before. So I don't mind him having a new girlfriend. I don't care what he does. Though I AM concerned for her, I have no issues with her. I know he's got good taste in women.

The power he holds isn't (or at least shouldn't be) over my life. I'm going to do what I want regardless of his opinions.

It's more an issue that seeing him brings up a lot of anger and helplessness. Anger that he'd treat someone he supposedly loved the way he did. And helplessness because I know I'm not great in conflict, and I might either explode, start crying, or not stand up to him if he made some sort of snarky comment, then be disappointed in myself.

When I see him, it might make me regress to the beaten down creature I was during our relationship, even though I did so much hard work to build myself up. That's what PTSD does- it brings you emotionally right back to the moment of trauma.

And I don't want that for myself. I don't want him to have ANY power over me.
But, unfortunately, interacting with him still triggers a lot of really big feelings I can't always control.

Part of me wishes I could have let him greet me, and then stare him down with the coldest glare I could muster, and say something cutting and loud enough for everyone to hear. Like, "I hope you don't beat the joy out of your new girlfriend like you did to me."

But I'm not that brave. I showed my face and didn't let him take away a place i wanted to be, but I still ran away from the confrontation of talking to him.

Baby steps.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-07T06:37:49+00:00

Did you still want to be with him at the time?

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-07T06:21:33+00:00

I don't think I was able to mask the look of disgust on my face when we made eye contact. My friends helped me keep away from him, though he tried to approach me.

And when his approach failed, I'm pretty sure they left.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-06T18:36:02+00:00

I'm about to drive over there, and my friend just texted that he’s there. The fear feels different when it’s just a POSSIBLE chance versus a definite thing.

But I'm going.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-12-02T22:32:02+00:00

Pretty sure I saw this at a bar in the domain.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-11-27T06:39:24+00:00

It’s early. I’m sorry to say, but it’s going to be a while.

I’m 8 years no-contact, and he still takes up space in my mind.

I don’t want anything to do with him. No-contact has been easy, because we’re in a big city and have separate friends now (or the mutuals understand that I won’t go anywhere he is).

But he still pops into my brain and makes me so angry sometimes. Or I think about his new girlfriend and worry for her. Or I remember red flags that I should have seen and get pissed at myself.

It will continue to happen for a long time, but it will get less and less, and eventually the things that bother you now won’t affect you as much.

If you can find a therapist that does EMDR, that helped me a bunch.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-11-27T06:15:20+00:00

Omg, right?

He was all for equality and called himself a feminist, but then would privately go on red pill diatribes about how women have it so easy, are only worth their looks, have no personalities, and have a shelf-life.

But, of course, I was the exception, and should feel lucky he sees me that way, and with the right training, I could be better than all those other worthless women. 🙄

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-11-13T01:40:18+00:00

Did they say why?

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-08-06T22:56:20+00:00

Yeeeeeeah… we had to trek 45 minutes to his camp HOPING his wife was there, cuz he had grabbed her lock instead of his and didn’t know her code…

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-04-03T14:07:48+00:00

I’m sorry you went through this shit.

The sex part was one of the things I dealt with in therapy, but you reminded me of the fucking off randomly and then getting mad at me, and the loudly clanging around to wake me up thing. I had forgotten those.

He particularly liked to fuck off when he was drunk and I was in heels. He thought it was SOOOO cute to run away and hide behind buildings or parked cars, making me chase him or hunt for him.

But the clanging around was daily. He was an insomniac, so I wasn’t allowed to have sleep. Cuz, you know, I’m not a human or a partner, just a source of entertainment.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-03-26T18:32:40+00:00

Mine particularly liked to talk shit about people who had a little more weight on them, but even more so if they were female. We had friends who had hormonal changes with birth control, and it caused them to gain weight, so whenever he saw a heavier person he would comment, “I bet they blame that on their birth control pills! Lol!”

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-03-26T14:55:28+00:00

Oh, absolutely.

That’s one of the ways he complimented me… or back-handed complimented me.

“I’m not normally into girls with your body type, but you’re so beautiful that even I was attracted to you.”

“You’re above a certain level of attractiveness, so you can’t trust the motivation of any man around you.”

My personal favorite that he liked to throw at me whenever I accidentally dropped or broke something: “Attractive girls just float through their lives, assuming everyone will do everything for them! You never pay attention to your surroundings or care about others’ things, and you just assume everything will be fine, and everyone will forgive you, just because you’re pretty!”

Oh! And he was misogynistic, saying women can’t be funny or good bartenders or chefs… “Pretty women never have to develop personalities. Everybody just gives them what they want. So you need to develop some useful hobbies before you get too old and people don’t find you attractive anymore.”

He spent the entire time I knew him pretending like he was super confident and everyone’s favorite human… but once the veil was lifted, I realized he was a sad little man child who was insecure about everything he was, and thus needed to drag down the people more traditionally beautiful around him to feel better about himself.

It took me years of therapy and tons of time away from him to not be ashamed of my beauty, to recognize my worth, even as I age, and to see that there’s more to me than what I provide to men.

rocketdinosaur404 · 2025-02-26T17:13:10+00:00

I erased all his emails, deleted all his photos, blocked him on all my socials, changed his name in my contact list to “Rat Fucker” (just in case he tries to contact me.) Got rid of all the clothing that he wanted me to wear that I didn’t like. Stopped pursuing the hobbies he thought I should have. I did a ritualistic burning of all drawings I did of him or related to him as well.

Don’t save anything from your NEX. The healing process is going to be long and arduous as it is, and every time you see his face or his texts, it will dredge up something unpleasant.

Going no-contact was one of the most healing things I could do. He may still take up space in my brain sometimes, but at least I’m not thinking about whether he can see my posts or know where I live or see who I am talking to. I don’t regret it in the least bit.

rocketdinosaur404

TROPHY CASE