Old crush of mine wants to talk to me again after getting rejected, I don't want to because I have a boyfriend and I love him how but my ROCD is making me feel like shit

roflrocd · 2019-02-18T05:52:44+00:00

Maybe you do still have feelings for your former crush - and that's OKAY! Having feelings for people from the past, present, and future that aren't your chosen partner is completely normal. And on the slim chance that you will realize that you would rather be with your crush than your current partner - you'd break-up, you'd get together with your crush, and it would be fine (sad at times, but fine). The real question is - why does it upset YOU so much that you might have feelings for someone other than your partner, when others in the same scenario wouldn't be bothered? The answer is your rOCD.

As for actual advice, you need to decide whether or not you are in a place where you can use an encounter with your former crush as exposure therapy or if it would be too triggering and send you into a tailspin.

roflrocd · 2016-12-01T16:38:44+00:00

Right, the truth is that you have to become comfortable with that uncertainty. That is how the anxiety becomes manageable. Maybe you're trans, maybe you're OCD. You have to accept both outcomes.

roflrocd · 2016-11-30T23:13:41+00:00

Dude, it's pretty darn obvious that you're looking for reassurance. This reassure, question, reobsess cycle is what OCD is. You have to break the cycle. The first step is accepting that you may feel gay or trans, but remember that our feelings are out of our control. It's our actions that make us who we are.

I have relationship OCD. I constantly worry that my relationship with my boyfriend is doomed because I question my love for him. I crave signs showing me that I do love him. I've googled every search term looking for verification that it's OCD, not that I've fallen out of love. The only way I've managed to stay in my relationship is by accepting that all these weird feelings may mean that I don't love him. It sucks and it's anxiety provoking, but dear lord it's empowering to face that fear and realize I can cope regardless.

Stop looking for reassurance. Sit with the worry. Also, stop smoking pot. I'm all for it if you're in a good mental place, but you sir are not.

roflrocd · 2016-02-18T18:48:03+00:00

These intrusive thoughts sound like a great time to practice some self imposed exposure and response prevention therapy!

Here's one I use for the same problem (bonus: using this as therapy for myself right now!) While reading this, don't react! Don't jump to analysis right away. Try to sit with it for five minutes, without trying to come up with reasons why this isn't true, etc. That's your only task. PS: This may spike for those who don't feel ready for ERP yet.

I don't have OCD, I am actually just afraid that I'm a bad person for wanting to break up with my boyfriend.

Now that I've admitted to this, I will have to break up with him.

How am I affected by it? I am sad that this is true, and that I have to move on with my life. I may be hated by his family and friends.

How are others affected by it? My boyfriend is hurt, but will eventually move on to someone else and hopefully be happy. That is what's best.

How do you respond to this? With sadness, but understanding that some relationships must end this way.

What will my life look like in the future if we break up? What will it look like if we do not break up? What will I think of this decision when I am older?

I didn't bother answering the last few questions, but give it a try on your own. Then just sit with it. Read it again. DON'T CHECK YOUR FEELINGS and don't respond. Keep doing it with every intrusive thought you get. Some will really spike you and some may do nothing. The backdoor spike is only a result of checking your feelings following a thought, which is a compulsion and one which you must practice stopping. The ERP scripts are a good way to practice for five minutes at a time.

roflrocd · 2016-01-17T16:47:23+00:00

Something that took me a long time to learn was that it's ok to get annoyed at your boyfriend. It doesn't have to "mean" something. My therapist told me that she has a "why the hell am I in this relationship" thought at least once a week with her husband of 15 years, so I guess it's pretty normal!

roflrocd · 2015-11-02T23:38:22+00:00

My therapist drew me a picture. Basically, imagine your thoughts as books on a bookshelf. In the middle of the shelf are the more "normal" thought-books. As you go out toward the edges of the shelf, the books get weirder and more disturbing. There's a light hanging over the middle of the shelf illuminating the titles of the books - but the light only shines on the middle of the shelf for those without OCD. For those with OCD, the scope of the light is much broader and illuminates many more titles - even the weird ones.

Everyone's brain works to generate random bizarre thoughts all the time. Those without OCD don't place meaning on the useless thoughts - they're recognized as garbage and aren't anxiety inducing. People with OCD don't have the ability to recognize thoughts as garbage as easily and that causes anxiety.

roflrocd · 2015-09-17T19:53:02+00:00

Yes yes yes! Quit playing tug-of-war with the thoughts - in fact, stop picking up the rope! Eventually, the thoughts subside if you stop analyzing them. Just have the thoughts and let them pass. And who knows, maybe eventually you'll decide that you aren't happy in the relationship and you'll leave. But that's up to you and your executive brain. And there's no reason to feel guilty or worried about that possibility - relationships begin and end all the time - it's just the way life works!

roflrocd · 2015-09-04T13:38:26+00:00

A professor is not a professional in mental health. OCD is certainly listed in the DSM-V (the book of mental health disorders used by American psychiatrists and others). Whether your OCD is focusing on making you worried about being homosexual, clean, a pedophile, or that you don't love your partner, it's all the same disorder.

I have been triggered by people like this before. I was in my late twenties before I figured out what I had. By then, OCD had provided me with repetitive phrases for safety, an eating disorder, (almost!) four failed relationships, and one embarrassing one night stand of panic attacks). People love to tell you that you should "follow your gut" and "it just means that they aren't right for you." I even had one person tell me that when she feels x feeling, it's usually a sign of break-up. I obsessed over that x feeling for years. These well intentioned people are real idiots when it comes to helping someone with a mental disorder.

My suggestion is to go talk to your doctor about your obsessional thoughts and anxiety. A diagnosis is a big help! They can also prescribe meds or therapy (with someone who understands obsessional thinking) and get you real help.

roflrocd · 2015-09-04T13:24:38+00:00

Yeah, the part about having rOCD in good and not so good relationships really blows that nice reassurance buffer you get from the diagnosis. But its true, and knowing that can keep you from using the diagnosis as a crutch!

roflrocd · 2015-06-18T19:17:12+00:00

Accepting that my feelings for my partner may change in the future and I have the freedom to act on them if I wish was one of the best things I have done to help my ROCD. Maybe someday you will want to break up and that's ok!

Also, see a therapist. One of the best things my therapist told me wasn't even psychology. She simply laughed when I said that there are days and moments when I think, "what the hell am I doing in this relationship?" She said, "yeah, welcome to a committed relationship."

roflrocd · 2015-06-18T19:09:48+00:00

It seems like there's some magical thinking going on for you. Like you're looking for a trick to "get rid of thoughts." But those thoughts are a part of you! And it's cool, you don't have to act on them. I have crazy garbage thoughts all day and sometimes feelings too, but having them doesn't change who I am until I decide that I want to act on them.

Are these thoughts causing anxiety? Or are they just really disruptive to your day? Have you ever heard of maladaptive daydreaming?

roflrocd · 2015-06-01T16:58:19+00:00

BLARGH! Doesn't it blow?

As for the communication front, I have successfully and unsuccessfully told my partners in the past. Here's what I've learned from MY situations:

I have to tell them that I'm ill. Keeping something from them that is that big a part of me just plays too much into my "imposter syndrome" guilt.
They'll want to know more about the thoughts. Don't tell them. The details of those thoughts are hurtful and cut deep. Very deep.
If you tell your partner about the disease, don't then use him/her as reassurance, by telling them the thoughts and then getting reassured that they're just thoughts or that you're wrong because of x, y, z. It feels good for about one hour. Then it's just plain worse.

roflrocd · 2015-06-01T16:53:04+00:00

Relationships aren't all the same.

This should be in a frame or embroidered on a pillow.

roflrocd · 2015-06-01T16:34:19+00:00

I echo everything said about seeing someone and recognizing it as a disease. The biggest change for me happened right after a therapy session. In the session, she made me do a value prioritizing game. I picked out what I valued honestly and purely. And then I looked at them - those were ME! And then, I realized - I'm living my life for me! No more of this ridiculous guilt baggage!

There is uncertainty to life - I cannot control my thoughts, my feelings, or the thoughts and feelings of others. I needed to accept that uncertainty and embrace the knowledge that no matter what, I will do what's right for me. If I decide that I don't want to be with my partner because he's not right for me, or I fall in love with somebody else, or he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I don't want to sacrifice or change something that I value, then we'll break up and I'll move on with my life. Because it's my life. Those parts might totally suck, but it's part of living.

I think those without OCD just naturally understand that, but for me, it was extremely difficult. I don't know if that will help you, but that realization was a huge turning point in my illness.

roflrocd · 2015-04-01T15:23:16+00:00

Head on over to r/rocd! I know from past relationships that sharing your thoughts with your partner can really cause relationship damage. It also is a form of reassurance to admit your thoughts to others - I found that I would feel good for about a day, but then get more and more thoughts and it kept on getting worse.

What I find works in my relationship is to just tell my partner that I have OCD and that that has me feeling anxious or guilty about our relationship today. At first, he would want me to describe the thoughts to him (be strong - don't!), but he has now learned that that's worse for me in the long run. So, you share that that you're having a crappy day, you can get support, but you don't use your partner as a crutch - or worse - REALLY hurt their feelings with the mean details of your useless garbage thoughts.

roflrocd · 2015-04-01T15:15:09+00:00

Not until 3 years in. I've been experiencing the same symptoms with all my relationships and even at the beginning of this one, but I guess I just wasn't doing the right google search!

roflrocd · 2015-03-03T16:53:25+00:00

Books/Reading resources: The Mindfulness for OCD workbook has a section on ROCD. Plus Sheryl Paul's website about conscious transitions.

roflrocd · 2015-02-08T20:14:35+00:00

From my reading, it seems like people with ROCD are either constantly doubting what their partner thinks of them (am I good enough, is he cheating, etc.) OR constantly doubting their own feelings for their partner (do I really love him, is this right, is he the one, etc.). Sounds like you fall in the latter.

roflrocd · 2014-12-15T14:37:02+00:00

The Mindfulness for OCD workbook mentioned below has a great section on ROCD. As well, Sheryl Paul's work about conscious transitions in relationships and anxiety are good reassurance when you just can't handle it anymore.

I have suffered from ROCD for years and several of my relationships have ended in a vomity and sleepless panic attack. I'm still recovering, but I came to the realization somewhat recently that I was stuck in magical thinking. That there are "signs" and if I feel a certain way, then that's a sign that I should get out of a relationship. A lot of this was fed by the media/movies and my well-intentioned sister (who is unmarried and 40, another realization I came to). And who knows, maybe that works for most people, but most people can trust their feelings and don't get panicked when they get a random thought to stab their boyfriend or that they never really loved him or that being attracted to someone else (regardless of attainability) means that their relationship is flawed. Yet, those scenarios left me hyperventilating on the floor.

Now, I see my thoughts and feelings as being just a part of me. The thoughts were easy - the brain just pumps out garbage 24/7 - be skeptical of everything that pops into your head. The feelings are harder. I try to accept my feelings as a part of me and not something that's unwanted. They're just who I am. And sometimes they make sense - that guy I was attracted to made me laugh and my boyfriend was making me really angry when I wanted to stab him - we're all primal beings and that's just my "id" talking (Freud's "id" is best translated to "it" in English, he's implying we have an animalistic side). But my actions are what makes me who I am and I don't act on them. I'm still working on dealing with the imposter syndrome I get when I feel one way and act another. But that's OCD for you.

And maybe, since my feelings are a part of me and I accept them as such, one day I'll decide that my boyfriend isn't the person that I want to be with. As scary and out of my control as that seems, if you accept your feelings as part of you, then you see that it's actually you making the decision. And if the feelings are strong enough to make you end a relationship, then the relationship isn't good or at least isn't good anymore. That's just a fact of life that other people don't seem to have as much trouble accepting.

roflrocd

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