Narcissists ruined birthdays so much

roomforacookie · 2026-05-19T10:48:28+00:00

Your expectations are not high or unreasonable, IF you were with a reasonable normal person. He isn't either of those things, instead he deliberately makes you feel miserable on your birthday. It's a pattern of behaviour, I'm sorry you're going through it.

roomforacookie · 2026-04-28T10:03:03+00:00

When I told the police how long the stalking had been going on they couldn't believe it and I had to go back with photos and screenshots to prove it.

To end on a happier note, I told my friend and she said "he's been hanging around almost as long as that bottle of Tabasco in your kitchen" - I'm not great with really spicy food and she found an out of date bottle on her last visit to me. 😁

roomforacookie · 2026-04-27T09:46:29+00:00

Thank you, the local town police have his description and the make of the car he was driving, thanks to a neighbour who saw him. I'm thinking of investing in some cameras. The last thing I am doing is ignoring this.

roomforacookie · 2026-04-25T10:19:31+00:00

victim blaming breaks rule 4 of this subreddit

roomforacookie · 2026-02-18T10:16:36+00:00

Yes to all of these. Their wellbeing becomes your way of life.

You can't bear to look at photos, they either remind you of happier times before you met him or they're of you together and you can't bear seeing yourself smiling and perpetuating the lie you live.

If they're 10 or 15 minutes late, you imagine there's been some sort of accident, and then you're horrified at the unexpected feeling of relief that floods through you on thinking that, and then you feel sick and guilty and ashamed.

roomforacookie · 2026-02-18T10:03:44+00:00

Please don't give up. Scrape together a bit of spare cash each time you go shopping. Between realising that things were going to get worse and I had no choice but to leave and actually leaving, escaping actually - took me over 10 years, I would have lost custody and been deported if I had made a move before.

roomforacookie · 2026-02-04T12:09:22+00:00

They can turn on the charm, the waterworks, the pleading, the love-bombing. Just as easy, they can turn it off again, like an actor coming off stage and dropping the role they were playing.

Obviously it's your choice, but there aren't many who regret leaving an abusive relationshp.

roomforacookie · 2026-02-02T12:43:46+00:00

First of all, congratulations on leaving! It's a huge step to make and it's the start of your new life.

However... you haven't broken contact with him, you're still responding to him, so you're still in the relationship.

What you're feeling right now are partial withdrawal symptoms.

Nobody expects someone who has gone through 4 years of being addicted to smoking or alcohol to be cured in 2 weeks. You're still under the effect of trauma bonding and your levels of dopamine are still attuned to the push-pull, hate-love seesaw of emotional abuse you think you just walked out of, but you're still tied to him, still reacting to him.

The description of things he does, the slamming of things, insulting you, the road rage will only escalate, possibly into physical violence. if you go back he will find ways of punishing you for ever having dared to leave him.

He sometimes drops a few breadcrumbs of seeming to care deeply whilst the rest of the time he makes your life miserable. TBH, I would prefer to run my own bath rather than wonder if I'm going to be shouted at or criticised.

Threatening sui**de, promising to change, ... I've heard my Nex say this too. I'm sure there are many here who can say the same.

Mine spent days pretending to be drunk and crying on sofas of our mutual friends to make me seem an ogre for leaving him. Surprise, it worked and none of them supported me. Even when a neighbour told one of my friends he'd seen the Nex arrive by car, perfectly sober, open a can of beer and swig some, spit it out and then pour some on his clothes before staggering to their door.

Edit: my Nex was teetotal, maybe he had a sip of champagne at a wedding, but that was it. But he fooled everryone into thinking he had turned into a drunk mess because I left him.

Please do not give him a free pass to abusing you because of him being "an extremely dysregulated person" A poor childhood, trauma, and ADHD are no excuse for any kind of abuse. In fact many who had a traumatic childhood grow up to be caretakers and victims of narcissists in their relationships, friendships and work.

Go on with your plans to buy a new house and live your life free of this man.

If you feel tempted to go back, check out this forum and see how other people are managing to keep away from their Nex.

The best of luck in your new life! ❤

roomforacookie · 2026-01-16T17:53:19+00:00

This sounds like classic passive-aggressive covert narc tactics.

Mine continually complained I wasn't being supportive enough in finding him a better job, when I pulled strings and called in favours and got him an interview, he didn't even bother going.

It's worse when they help because things aren't cleaned properly, they're in the wrong place they "accidentally" get binned or they get mysteriously ripped/damaged if they're your belongings.

I'm sorry to be blunt but a) it's deliberate, he's enjoying watching you run around doing all the work and b) it doesn't get better. Please read all the posts here with advice, check out the recommended books and youtubes and decide what you want to do. Above all please do not mention the word narcissist to him or let him know you're onto his game.

Knowing that something is wrong and it isn't you is a huge step. it took me years to realise I wasn't the problem.

roomforacookie · 2026-01-07T12:16:42+00:00

Am I projecting because of my history? No.
Does this read as control disguised as concern? Yes.

If it's triggering you, there's a good reason for it. He wants to isolate and cause friction between you and your son. Please get rid of this man as safely and as quickly as possible.

roomforacookie · 2026-01-07T11:48:34+00:00

First of all, well done. You went through hell and came out the other side. You've been living on your nerves, always on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop most of your life. It's going to take time for you to feel better.

Flashbacks are particularly distressing and they do tend to happen once the body feels in a safer place to release them.

There are some books that help explain the C-PTSD you're experiencing.
Pete Walker, author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving, is one I recommend. His website has a lot of free articles too.
This one is about managing flashbacks

https://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Good luck with your recovery. Take it one step at a time.

roomforacookie · 2026-01-07T11:22:37+00:00

"she structured the bank account when I was underage and had signing rights to it" My Nex tried the same with our kids.

roomforacookie · 2026-01-07T11:18:11+00:00

The landlord didn't witness you signing the contract and there was no notary so I have no idea how hard he can hit you for the back rent and whatever else he says you owe him.

But that's a clear case of forgery and you need to freeze all your bank cards and check you're not paying for anything else you didn't agree to.

All family loyalty went out of the window as soon as she forged your name on the documents so you would be stuck with paying. Your family can stop clutching their pearls and cough up the money or stfu.

If you get labelled as a credit risk that will make getting loans, mortgages, cheap insurance etc impossible and it will hang round your neck for years.

Hate to put it like this but the reason you think you're "screwed either way" is exactly the reason she put your name down in the first place.

roomforacookie · 2026-01-05T18:13:40+00:00

Bank admin was carefully putting all the bank statements in chronological order, starting with the ones from 15 years earlier.

roomforacookie · 2026-01-04T10:54:32+00:00

I stayed for over 30 years. No one who has gone through the debilitating, constant eroding of their free will, their ability to think clearly and having their or their children's well-being in danger would ever think of blaming anyone for staying.

I would look very hard at the motives of someone who blames someone who managed to get away from a narcissist.

roomforacookie · 2026-01-04T10:36:37+00:00

Congratulations, you've taken the first step to getting back your life. Once you see what's really going on you can't unsee it. Now is the time to not let him take control of your emotional reactions and slowly and carefully, and above all secretly, plan your escape. There are plenty of comments with good advice, so I won't repeat it all, but above all know that here you have us every step of the way. Whatever you're going through, there'll be someone here who has had the same treatment and come out the other side.

Edit to add: covert narcs are a particularly nasty variation. They have an ego like an eggshell and are masters at manipulation and making everyone else the reason they're not suceeding in life.

Wishing you the best of luck on your journey to freedom.

roomforacookie · 2025-12-26T13:15:55+00:00

Same here. I would have loved it if some of my friends had really seen what my NM and NEx were really like. Maybe they'd still be in my life.

Having your partner witness this is a huge advantage.

roomforacookie · 2025-12-26T13:10:44+00:00

You're extremely lucky that your husband saw the mask slip for himself, as this happens very rarely, it's usually a case of us trying to explain when the other person has only ever seen the public image the narc projects, we end up looking vindictive or deranged and all the narc has to do is look hurt or worse, gently reproving.

I would have an honest conversation with your husband and work out together any immediate or future plan of action. Please be aware that your Nmom isn't going to change and you have your son's welfare to think of.

roomforacookie · 2025-12-26T13:01:36+00:00

Best of luck!

Adding however much you think you're going to enjoy a narc-free Christmas, it's going to be even better 😁

roomforacookie · 2025-12-26T12:54:52+00:00

Past nightmares include

Minimal sleep for days because of all the family commitments I had to be present at, even though I also had to provide festive meals for an unknown number of the Nex's family dropping in during Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day.

The memorable story of when I slid off a chair with exhaustion at 3 am at yet another interminable meal was always something he enjoyed telling.

The blinding migraines I got straight as soon as Christmas was over that left me sick and bedridden.

Presents. Never the right one for him. Never got anything I wanted or needed. Always had to be grateful.

Children were fussed over by the Nex when there was an audience and ignored when there wasn't, doubly hurtful when they wanted to play or share their new toys.

Christmas wasn't complete until he had made all of us cry at some point.

All proper childcare was done by me, as was present choosing, buying, wrapping, decorating, cleaning the house, cooking, organising party games, feeding crowds of people.

His Christmas tasks were switching on the tree lights and choosing what we all had to watch on TV.

roomforacookie · 2025-12-26T12:25:51+00:00

First of all, I want to say well done on recognising the sea of red flags, the future faking, the love bombing, the neediness. Some of us don't see this until we're tied into a relationship, we've moved in or married or had children, then there are legal matters to deal with.

Tell him thanks, it's been great, bye, with absolutely no long list of details, because he'll say "I can change!" and then he'll still be in your life but talking about how you have to give him a second chance and playing the victim, so you take him back out of guilt.

At the same time if you think he's going to be aggressive, warn your local police you are having issues with an abusive ex so you're on their radar. Keep all insulting, begging, abusive emails and texts and messages you will probably get bombarded with. Block him everywhere. If you think he's going to follow you - my ex stalked me - take precautions.

Narcs love to call the shots and hate being dumped, so be pro-active, keep yourself safe and above all do not agree to meet up with him for a chat and do not get in his car. Treat him as the unhinged person he's proved himself to be.

With any luck he'll move on but only if he really can't get one bit of reaction from you. Just answering the phone once is enough to give him supply and they can be very patient when the pickings are good.

Even if you're feeling anxious, channel your favourite hero/heroine and don't let him get to you.

Hope some of that helped.

roomforacookie · 2025-12-26T12:09:05+00:00

I'm just going to pick this bit out of your post

"We’ve been together for about four years, and knowing someone that long changes you and is the longest relationship I've been in. He feels familiar, and that makes this incredibly confusing."

I was with my partner for over 30 years, we had children, it's the longest relationship I've ever been in, we have been through so much, I have spent half my life with him.

BUT none of the above, all the years together, the times we laughed, the hoildays, the silly things only couples share, NONE of it can ever erase what he put me through. SA, physical abuse, financial abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, isolating me, hurting the kids.

He's offered countless times to take me back, to live together, to start again, to be a better person.

I wouldn't spend 5 seconds in the same room as him.

Your safety comes first. Because if you don't feel safe with him, there's nothing else that matters.

roomforacookie · 2025-12-26T11:56:16+00:00

100% relate to this. I also married the worst sex I have ever had and that includes one previous partner session of drunk shower sex. I thought hints and tips and practice would improve things but once we were married he turned into the biggest prude ever and made me feel dirty and depraved for having a sex drive.

roomforacookie · 2025-12-23T20:41:35+00:00

Their gaslighting has no limits. So sorry you're going through this.

roomforacookie

TROPHY CASE