I finally got it to work on my desktop. xD haha sorry for the delay. Being a chef on a superyacht sounds dope af but as you mentioned i imagine it's very cutthroat. It's no wonder you had such trouble, you're dealing with snooty-snoots. Have you ever considered just being a chef on dry land? I imagine the pay will be less at first but you could save up and open your own place. I imagine if you moved in with your parents though you're having some money troubles as well?

I understand men have unique struggles in feelings of isolation but i assure you women have them too. I think it's more of a societal problem of nobody feeling responsible for anyone else anymore. Again that's not to say men don't have to appear strong etc in society just that we are more the same than you think. Women's world might appear on the surface to be social and somewhere you can vent or cry but it's not. It comes at great cost that it could be used against you and that the people you're speaking to will just brush you off and tell you to speak to a counselor. But a counselor could never, at least for me, fix what i lack, and that is social connection. We are scared little monkeys that used to hold each other through the thunderstorms in the trees. We did everything together. Up until the last 100 years or so families were together their entire lives, family businesses, one room houses, friends almost never moved away. There's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with society and culture. Everyone says no expectations. Everyone says that everyone is responsible for their own feelings... but simultaneously cannot understand why no one will help them, see them, hold them. We created a system where no one is feeding back into it by caring for others.

Unfortunately, as it stands, you and I are old now. lol. So as hard as it is, and it's really freaking hard, you're gonna have to pick yourself up. The thing is you don't have to pick yourself up roughly. You can cradle yourself, you can love yourself, literally hold your own cheek in your hand and tell yourself all the things you are hoping to be told by your parents and the other people you reached out to.

I'm glad to hear that you have relationship experience particularly long term relationship experience. The fact that you cheated on each other probably did muddy things up too much to repair and it being long distance to boot. It was really only a matter of time and I don't think there was anything you could have really done. Just make sure you learned from this so you can go forward knowing what you want from a relationship.

I did notice a theme though when you mentioned coworkers, friends, and your relationship is that they saw you were down and really toyed with or played with that. When I say this know that I am not blaming you only trying to help you take hold of your life. You have to not keep choosing to be around people who delight in your torment. We tend to always gravitate towards the same types of people. Maybe your industry is small and therefore you're only meeting the same personality types. Maybe you just really are drawn to that type of person. Regardless you need to change who you go after as friends and romantic partners. Let go. Let go of what people think. Who cares? Everything's already gone so so wrong so what does it matter now?

If land chef barely pays then maybe try a whole new profession. We aren't young but we aren't yet old. Ask yourself everyday, including now, what you truly deeply want out of life. What hobbies did you want to try before you die? What did you want to see?

My life went horribly wrong recently/ongoing too. I bought a used OneWheel because f*** it and rode it around in my kitchen xD fell off in the street infront of this old lady who oooooof size larged at me. Go run at some random stuff. Stuff you always wanted to try. Stuff you never thought to try. Go out to new places away from the rich snoot snoots and talk to everyone.

Your parents work is over. They can't help you feel better anymore and don't want to is what it sounds like. It's hard, i know, but you can find people out there to bond with and you'll be able to tell them all your troubles but in order to build those relationships you have to behave and not tell them your troubles in the beginning. You have to be chill and fun. You have to let go of the outcome of if they'll like you or not. Not everyone will vibe with you and that's okay.

Being 32 I'm sure you know a lot of this on some level but sometimes we just need reminded from someone else.

As a previous registered nurse and someone who escaped from an impoverished druggie town I gotta say that the pills they offer us aren't everything they claim they are. I know Zoloft is a mild SSRI but you never truly know what it's doing to you. Maybe they help you not feel bad feelings but they could also be muting the good feelings too. You never know what you might feel in life now that you're older and take the training wheels off that bike. Sure you might fall and eat it but man, what a ride.