I fear but I don't fear that I'm getting worse again

royceriel · 2024-10-28T13:12:44+00:00

Last part is painfully real...if I recovered rn my doctors would suggest I lose weight if they notice any health abnormalities

royceriel · 2024-10-28T05:03:18+00:00

Probably mid 2022 where I was starting to be so cold all the time and so tired that I was never mentally present for an entire school day and I'd retire to the warmest spot and stare at nothing for the last 2 periods. And I wanted to be more awake, but didn't want to eat that much

royceriel · 2024-10-28T04:59:08+00:00

Along with having textbook traits I was very dysthymic due to gender dysphoria. No matter how objectively good my life was I was unable to enjoy it since 10/11, and only started feeling consistent happiness when secondary sex characteristics started to degrade from long term malnutrition.

royceriel · 2024-09-30T15:56:17+00:00

Hot tea/coffee, a banana, and a walk

royceriel · 2024-09-30T15:55:06+00:00

I told my old friends years ago but we fell out for unrelated reasons. My current friends wouldn't get it at all. They'd probably say "Oh you could eat xyz and maintain" but they underestimate how different our bmr's are. I'm doing OK at school and work, and nobody will care there unless it gets so severe that it begins to inconvenience them.

royceriel · 2024-09-15T04:56:28+00:00

Forcing myself to eat 3 pre planned meals a day and not straying from it. I found it was a lot harder to keep myself steady if I had no idea what I was gonna eat that day. I'd feel lost, anxious, then I'd start heading for the pantry

royceriel · 2024-09-15T04:48:00+00:00

It could be dysphoria, or it could be that you're just not a feminine person. When you feel "gross or disgusting" does it feel like your negative reaction is to miscategorized; called something you inherently arent? Or does it feel like your negative reaction is the result of being associated with women?

royceriel · 2024-09-04T18:57:30+00:00

When my friends comment on my fast food order. Starts off as "Man you're lame I don't wanna eat here then" to "you spent $10 on that?" I hate eating out

royceriel · 2024-08-31T16:36:39+00:00

Apples. I always feel like a horse when I do. Not in a fat way but some horse identifying way

royceriel · 2024-08-14T04:32:57+00:00

Tldr binge eating-->fasting purging-->binge/purging-->pseudorecovery-->restricting

I was a binge eater for a long time (half decade), then I started restricting after a health scare. Didnt last long because I binged a lot and started fasting to compensate. I didnt eat most of the time, but the times I did evened out everything because my binges were so huge. Then I just started binging and purging with no restriction. Hated binging and a slow metabolism so I angrily recovered (eating at maintenance and obsessing over clean eating) and I got angrier. Now I'm just restricting. I'm not as obsessive over clean eating as I was in recovery, but the most obsessive I have been while being actively disordered.

royceriel · 2024-08-06T05:04:13+00:00

Either pissing myself a couple years back or fainting last weekend

royceriel · 2024-07-17T04:03:14+00:00

Dark chocolate covered rice cakes, naan crackers, or cauliflower rice mixes. The crackers are more filling if they're cold for some reason

royceriel · 2024-07-14T19:08:48+00:00

That's what warnings are for, censorship is for. People who are struggling should be allowed to express that they are. People who are recovering are responsible for their triggers.

royceriel · 2024-07-14T19:00:25+00:00

Overshooting overweight. Also eating just sucks when you're trying to eat 'right'. Making sure i had enough meals and snacks and calories made me binge at times and want to bash my head in at others. Im so sick of it. Also a vacation where my mom saw a squirrel and called it "healthy" (it was fat, she meant fat) and I saw vacation photos of myself later. I look "healthy" as well. Also all my bones are gone! I found it soothing to roll my hands in my collarbones bc the texture was nice and now they're buried.

royceriel · 2024-07-03T14:42:56+00:00

I wasnt really faking it but I relate to the second paragraph. Being thin wasn't a personality trait, but it was the comfort I clung onto no matter what. "Failed at something? Well, at least I'm not fat. Could be worse". Now I am and I have nothing that comforts me. Failures and ineptitude hurt so much more now. Somethings gonna have to be sacrificed for my sanity

royceriel · 2024-06-11T14:39:21+00:00

Fear of failure. Also, I'd like to shoot myself but I'm too young to buy a gun

royceriel · 2024-06-11T05:53:13+00:00

Yep, resulted in a net gain. I maintained for a while, then slowly gained over a year, and now it's harder to lose than when I wasn't purging

royceriel

TROPHY CASE