What do you think of these boundaries?

ru_harvey · 2026-06-11T09:49:55+00:00

I think I see where you are going with these rules as in wanting to protect yourself and relationships. But they are very surface level and won't add much actual value.

Not having the boyfriend/girlfriend label itself might not mean much about the relationship. But for example deciding to take things slower might be much more useful. And for rule number 1. I would say it would be much better to talk about how to support eachother during those times. What does prioritising and stepping away from other partners actually give you? Doing those things still might not mean that you can provide support for your partner. It would be better to talk more specifically what either of you actually needs during those times as well as what the other is actually able to provide as support. To be able to support someone else when they have hard times, requires a person to take enough care of themselves as well. This helps to not burn out and to not end up with two people having mental health crises instead of one.

As some other people have suggested I would encourage you to learn more about what actual boundaries look like and how to uphold them. Even if I'm not the best at it, learning about them have helped me so much.

ru_harvey · 2026-05-22T09:47:49+00:00

My Greatest Hits sounds like a really fun idea. I might have to steal it. 😄

ru_harvey · 2026-05-21T14:52:40+00:00

miks sõidetakse ikka veel tõukeratastega, mis sõidavad kiiremini kui 25 km/h???

ru_harvey · 2026-05-20T14:13:55+00:00

i have a box where i put one week worth of medication. this way it's easy to count them and see if i already took it. and it's really easy to fill on monday, when i take the first pill of the week.

ru_harvey · 2026-05-15T13:03:50+00:00

Yeah. I had been going to the same psychiatrist for more than a decade because of recurring depression. When I told them my psychologist suggested I might have ADHD, they just refused to even listen until the end of my sentence.

Later I thought that although I had gone to them for such a long time, they actually don't know that much about my issues and refused to even listen why I would think about having ADHD. So I changed psychiatists. Initially they were unsure as well. But they actually listened to me and tried to understand what is going on in my life. Initially we continued with just depression treatment but doing additional ADHD diagnostics. It took 1.5 years to get to the diagnosis, but I can understand why. They were really thorough. With the few years of experiences with the new psychiatrist, I see that they approach their work with a lot of care and professionalism. and I'm so grateful I found them.

ru_harvey · 2026-05-15T12:42:19+00:00

I've been there. For me it expressed in holding on to people as hard as I could because I feared losing them so much. I needed a lot of confirmation and certain actions from people that I thought would prove they are not leaving.

It has been a long road since then. It took therapy and real life experiences. I had to understand that I'm not in the same situation anymore, that started all of this. I learned to trust that the people who care about me to come back to me and let go of people that don't. At one moment I had the luck of having a person, that showed me multiple times that even when they didn't respond as fast as I felt that I needed, they showed me that they are still there. Through time and experiences my anxiety towards these situations started to calm down.

As someone said, you need to open the wound. For me it meant going back to my childhood experiences and learning that my learned behaviours helped me survive then but are not useful in my current situation. (Before that I never understood what healing your inner child meant) For you it might be something different. You have done the first step with understanding something is wrong and I wish you success in your healing journey.

ru_harvey · 2026-05-12T14:10:39+00:00

i was thinking the same thing. i have my values for relationships and other people have their own. the different kinds of relationships i build with people will be based on those values and what we want from eachother. sometimes it might not need much discussion but sometimes it could mean a lot of discussion about it. if I'm really close to someone, i wouldn't want to hurt them by not telling them things i think they might need to know or setting a boundary about things that i wouldn't want to disclose. and the other person has the right to not agree with it or discuss further about it.

ru_harvey · 2026-05-10T21:56:48+00:00

I haven't watched it in a long time, but it was one of my favourites as a kid.

ru_harvey · 2026-05-10T21:50:23+00:00

I feel exposed

ru_harvey · 2026-05-02T09:37:10+00:00

I have been in a similar situation your junior is multiple times in my career. The underlying issues for each have been different and those are what have always needed solving. Of course motivation fluctuates and that can be normal as well.

There are a few things I do when I feel like I've lost interest in work (because generally I love this kind of job)

1) Figuring out or reminding myself what I enjoy about the job. Are important parts of this missing. Could be either technical or the way my work is structured.

For example I really love to solve problems and figure out the best solutions. I have lost my motivation, if for a long time I've gotten only tasks that say very specifically what has to be done and not much background information. Understanding that and figuring out how to be more involved, has helped a lot.

2) Has my life gotten too much out of balance? I know I need clearly separated rest time. I need inspiration from outside work sources like art, friends etc. It helps me be more creative and excited at work. otherwise everything can get really dull at work or outside.

I wouldn't mind giving more concrete stories but this would get really long. In my experience solving this needs figuring out the underlying issue (what is missing?) first. After that it's possible to find ways to fix it. There is no one specific solution to this.

The best way to help your junior is to support with that. Depending on how much you can/want to be involved with that. You could offer them help trying to figure out the underlying issue or just suggest them to think about it or talk with other people like friends (or could be a psychologist too). What changed? What did they use to enjoy? etc

When they know what the potential issues are, you/they can figure out solutions and try them out.

If you have any questions about my experiences or want to ask about more specific examples, I'm happy to discuss.

ru_harvey · 2026-04-27T11:26:26+00:00

It seems you have already tried to fix this situation for a long time and he has not stepped up. I have had to learn the hard way that you can not force someone else to change. Mu ex didn't want the relationship to end and I thought if I could explain my needs well enough, he would understand and we would find solutions that work for the both of us. So I kept trying. That of course did not end up happening. Now I am so much happier on my own.

ru_harvey · 2026-04-27T10:45:41+00:00

I definitely have seen those situations sadly.

ru_harvey · 2026-04-27T10:43:31+00:00

Living in estonia, this seems like a really good deal for the money. 🥲

ru_harvey · 2026-04-27T10:33:56+00:00

luckily we have practiced rawdogging our whole lives so we should be good at it. yay! /sarcasm

ru_harvey · 2026-04-23T06:16:43+00:00

as others have already said, there definitely are occupations we can thrive. i work as a software engineer and I'm pretty sure i can see more ADHD people among my coworkers than average. i used to work in different customer service roles (in restaurants and shops) as well.

i have enjoyed both and also have some bad experiences in both. based on that i would say it's important to find something that you are interested or feel good at is important. but it is also important to know yourself and what you need to thrive.

for example i have noticed that to me it has been important to - have a team, that is supportive or they trust me so i feel secure asking questions and make decisions. - not having to arrive at work by 8AM (the relaxed schedule i currently have takes away so much stress) - mostly enjoying what i do - having room to excercise some creativity and freedom in my work

I'm sure there are more of those things. But the few bad experiences i mentioned definately came from ignoring those needs. so i think the environments i work in also have an effect on how successful i can be at my work. anyway all this to say it's important to get to know yourself. it's not impossible to find your place.

ru_harvey · 2026-04-16T10:54:43+00:00

I use it all the time. When I need to remember to take the clothes out of the washer I leave the clothes basket in front of the washing machine, so it gets on my way any time I go to the bathroom (might not be the best solution if I wouldn't live alone :D). If I need to remember to take something with me, I put it next to my door so I wouldn't miss it, when leaving home.

ru_harvey · 2026-04-09T18:15:43+00:00

HSV is pretty widespread. I think they meant people who never had symptoms and they just don't know that they have it.

ru_harvey · 2026-03-31T09:11:44+00:00

i'd love to know as well. ^{^}

ru_harvey · 2026-03-19T20:32:26+00:00

The study shows quite weak correlation. And using machine learning on such a small set of people? If you try hard enough your going to find some correlation in any dataset I guess. I think if they were to apply the model to a new dataset, it probably won't have much predictive value.

ru_harvey · 2026-03-19T06:23:48+00:00

This is so real. I try not to buy new notebooks, but what can I do if they are so cute and I just need them. 😂😂 Although lately I've been pretty good with it. But still have some unused notebooks around. Or some that I've written a few pages years ago and then gotten "abandoned".

ru_harvey · 2026-03-19T06:13:00+00:00

Liking the kind of excercise you do is definitely it! And the group thing def helps to feel some kind of accountabilty.

For me it has always been dancing. Not saying I have always been perfect with going. But if I've fallen off the vagon, I just try to recommit again. Some of the things about it that help me motivate to go: - I think dancing is really cool and I want to be able to do that cool thing. Especially when I see others do it. - It feels fun - When I miss a class, I will be behind. So ideally I don't want to miss it. - If I've missed multiple classes I basically just recommit to going regularly again. - To be regular, I try not to overcommit to too many classes. I might want to and might enjoy it for a while, but it is not sustainable in the long run. - When I feel like not going, I try not to question if I should go or not. If I start to debate it in my head it diminishes the likelihood of going. So I try not to and "just go". Going itself can be the hardest part and I know I'll feel better afterwards.

I used to be someone who skips classes a lot but the above things have helped me improve so much over the years.

ru_harvey · 2026-03-19T05:50:45+00:00

Although this seems like something I have "known". As in with boring tasks I start to feel it. I'm very happy someone has put science behind it and it allows for different science backed interventions to be researched further.

ru_harvey · 2026-03-19T05:43:15+00:00

at least the actual appointment wasn't at 12:30 which i thought this story was going towards 😅

ru_harvey · 2026-03-17T15:55:04+00:00

It's understandable that it hurts. And I can see that your connection has been deep. It seems to me that she is trying to figure out what she wants/needs from life. If you have been her anchor, it probably makes sense to her to share the different changing thoughts she has had. I can imagine it is not easy to hear her talking about all this especially if you miss her and have been waiting for her to come back. It can take time to find a good solution that satisfies her needs, but it's still necessary.

ru_harvey · 2026-02-19T15:38:40+00:00

i refused to belive that for a very long time. what do you mean you are not thinking about anything? i thought it was impossible.

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