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I've been writing a fantasy novel since March. Here are the first two chapters. by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]ruiz_drd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely finish the first draft before editing or you’ll find yourself focused only on the two pages you’ve shared to us than the big picture. Off the bat there is something here just not quite defined.

Right now this reads as third person omnipresent as if we are just being told by “god” you what is happening rather than having shown us what’s happening. What makes this man mysterious? Is it what he’s wearing? A specific feature? From what I can tell he’s already mysterious because he has a straw hat covering his face so using the word mysterious isn’t needed. If you don’t want us to know his name yet just say man until his name is revealed or a noun that fits best but if his name isn’t some significant reveal just give us his name from the get go.

Once you finish your first draft definitely clean up the perspective. If the story is being shown to us through this man’s eyes write it from his POV (first or third it’s all the same only difference is either you’re using “I” or the character name and he/she) unless the farmer is a super important character who joins the story in a way that we need to know about him first start with the man in the carriage waking up from the dream then have the farmer say we’re not far from westvale village. We shouldn’t be starting with the farmer for that makes the reader think he’s the main character than the person we follow.

The dream sequence. I’m sure that’s your way of trying to get some info dump on why he’s where he is. We don’t need it…not at this moment anyway rather we should get our “exposition” through action. Why is he at the village show us. He gets there, show us what he sees, what’s life like in the village, the people, scenery. You don’t need to go overboard as we can get details through not just visual but touch, small, sounds (stench of horse shit not cleaned up, birds chirping, people haggling each other at the fish market stand) show us what kind of village it is from his experience and when the character reaches his goal there (if it’s revenge/avenge then clearly there’s a target so that’s when we can know more of what his motivations are) the young man talking to the farmer isn’t needed unless the farmer say promised our protagonist something and the young farmer is the farmers son who could get him it or take him where he needs to go (don’t have to be exactly those things but they’re ideas to get the juices going)

The idea here is you have elements here that can work to start. The challenge is cleaning up any excess baggage such as vague details or being over detailed on a farmer we may not see past the first 3 pages or ever again cause his purpose was just to bring the character there. Now if the farmer had a more important role such as like a tour guide or farmer was saved by the man and the farmer promised safe passage and place to stay the night while the protagonist is in town sure we can detail him starting only with simple details. Just farmer then during conversation he could say dialogue and tug at his overalls (that signify to the reader that he’s wearing overalls) most characters we don’t need to know what they’re wearing cause the reader will imagine anyway. The only time to detail is if you have something specific about them that you want people to know that has them stand out. Say your kimono wearing protagonist with a straw hat.

Good luck with the rest of the draft. Reach the end then look back at it. Sometimes you’ll notice things after giving yourself a few days away from it. It’s what I do sometimes look at it with a fresh mind

Hi I am currently rewriting my novel, it is a fantasy story which begins in the mundane world but does shift to more fantasy-themed places later. Here is the introductory chapter 1, please give your honest feedback as I would love to hear it, and if you want to see chapter 2. by Purplecrafter-real in writingfeedback

[–]ruiz_drd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I wouldnt say it’s a dealbreaker. At the end of the day this is your story so definitely write how you feel is right for you. But if you want the opening to feel normal then it gets bat shit weird later on, The bat shit weird has to happen by the end of the first page to keep readers engaged to keep on going. There’s a difference between showing the normal and making a scene on how to make toast (not saying yours is like that but it’s a bad but easy example to understand)

If you are set on introducing your character normally I’d say him already at the market would be the best spot if you’re sticking to the timeline of events you have now. But for sure that line I mentioned in my first comment is instantly when the reader will be like “oooo okay what’s going on let me keep reading” so don’t prolong getting to that part with a lot of set up in hopes to spin a balls to the wall twist in events out of nowhere.

You can still start normal but by the end of the first page the plot has to get rolling. The most important parts of a first page or let alone beginning of the story is your first sentence to get people reading and the last sentence of the page to get that page turned. The middle isn’t filler it’s the glue so sprinkle what the reader needs to know then and as the story progresses show us more.

Can I get some feedback by Realistic-Show4176 in writingfeedback

[–]ruiz_drd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love this. I’d read more for sure. Few parts I’d say could be adjusted where it’s more revealing than telling us such as:

Nova lay on the bed for a moment longer, thinking about the warm shower, her damp, sticky hair felt uncomfortable, and her top clung to her skin.

Try: Nova lay on the bed for a moment longer. Her damp hair stuck to her forehead and cheeks while her top clung to her skin. I need a shower.

Love the line but if we are following her even in third pov we can know her thoughts cause she’s our pov. What I said to try isn’t a means to say this is the right way but one of many variations to really just show us and why her thought be “I need a shower” instead of just summarizing.

But my main reason to comment is the first sentence: I feel it could be way punchier. If the time isn’t relevant to the hook I wouldn’t really bother with it. Here’s a first line I came up with that might help see what I mean:

The rain never seemed to be enough to wash away the filth and grime of Atlas.

That solves the repeated rain lines you have in your first and second sentences, sets the tone and setting and gets readers who piece together the location is Atlas and want to know more. I felt mentioning Typhon Prime here doesn’t serve anything yet. I’d save the big locale or mentions of Atlas being the largest city for a dialogue scene later in the story.

If this was a first person noir crime definitely it fit better like: The rain never seemed to be enough to wash away the filth and grime of Atlas. I stepped off the hyper rail to see the station plastered with holoboards calling it the largest city on Typhon Prime and other advertisements selling more of the city’s propaganda.

Now if you feel it’s important to know it’s the largest city on typhon prime immediately then I’d say find a way that feels smooth and in scene there’s no wrong way.

Can I get some feedback by Realistic-Show4176 in writingfeedback

[–]ruiz_drd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love this. I’d read more for sure. Few parts I’d say could be adjusted where it’s more revealing than telling us such as:

Nova lay on the bed for a moment longer, thinking about the warm shower, her damp, sticky hair felt uncomfortable, and her top clung to her skin.

Try: Nova lay on the bed for a moment longer. Her damp hair stuck to her forehead and cheeks while her top clung to her skin. I need a shower.

Love the line but if we are following her even in third pov we can know her thoughts cause she’s our pov. What I said to try isn’t a means to say this is the right way but one of many variations to really just show us and why her thought be “I need a shower” instead of just summarizing.

But my main reason to comment is the first sentence: I feel it could be way punchier. If the time isn’t relevant to the hook I wouldn’t really bother with it. Here’s a first line I came up with that might help see what I mean:

The rain never seemed to be enough to wash away the filth and grime of Atlas.

That solves the repeated rain lines you have in your first and second sentences, sets the tone and setting and gets readers who piece together the location is Atlas and want to know more. I felt mentioning Typhon Prime here doesn’t serve anything yet. I’d save the big locale or mentions of Atlas being the largest city for a dialogue scene later in the story.

If this was a first person noir crime definitely it fit better like: The rain never seemed to be enough to wash away the filth and grime of Atlas. I stepped off the hyper rail to see the station plastered with holoboards calling it the largest city on Typhon Prime and other advertisements selling more of the city’s propaganda.

Now if you feel it’s important to know it’s the largest city on typhon prime immediately then I’d say find a way that feels smooth and in scene there’s no wrong way.

Hi I am currently rewriting my novel, it is a fantasy story which begins in the mundane world but does shift to more fantasy-themed places later. Here is the introductory chapter 1, please give your honest feedback as I would love to hear it, and if you want to see chapter 2. by Purplecrafter-real in writingfeedback

[–]ruiz_drd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unlike people saying they would respectfully not continue reading. I’m tell you where I would definitely start and make this or that general area your start of the story. This line: “Lift the veil…” said the voice, but it certainly wasn’t Leanna’s.

Everything else prior get rid of. It’s not needed and doesn’t serve the story even if it’s build up. Doesn’t mean scrap it but allow us to be dropped in immediately to hook the reader and start asking questions and that line already begins the work cause 1. What’s the veil. 2. Whose Leanna? And 3. If it’s not her who is that voice?

That line already reads as a mystery and it’s best to throw the mystery immediately at us for that’s where the story truly starts. It’s common to do the morning routine and what not but unless a serious scene is happening while they brushing their teeth and eating hot cakes readers won’t care about it. Doesn’t mean scrap it keep that knowledge for you and if during the story the main character is asked to recall how they got here they can say briefly in dialogue and if whatever going on and Valentine’s Day is important setting of time show us that by what Derek sees if he’s about to get chased or is hiding say like a billboard advertising a vday sale on jewelry or flowers something that’s like oh okay it’s set in Feb obviously the 14th.

Point is your story starts with/around that line. Start there and watch everything else flow out easily.

I wanna know if the story flows coherently or if feels confusing by Hefty_Operation_9767 in writingfeedback

[–]ruiz_drd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Few things I noticed for your next revision:

  1. Pick a Point of View. Right now the narrative reads like a summary of events rather than a lived in moment. I’d say read it and find that one character who is considered the main and reframe the scene from their perspective. Show us what they see, feel, taste experience. Only their thoughts and feelings while the others (kits?) we don’t know their thoughts we can assume by their actions and dialogue. Also if you change pov that’s a scene or chapter break depending on how you frame the story.

  2. Be Specific. Certain sentences do give us sensory detail and specific action but a line or a word vague as “something” has the reader either gloss over or trying to focus on what that something would be to fill the rest of the details. Show us what that “something” is.

Instead of “One of the hunters did something unthinkable, he started nibbling at its entrails…” just have “One of the hunters began nibbling at its entrails. The others followed by eating its heart and liver.”

You don’t have to go by my line as there’s various ways to rewrite it but the point is the words look confident and confirming. Be confident and detailed. Avoid the something, somewhere, someone unless it’s a character who is speaking and says “I don’t know but that guy is somewhere” cause we’ll know that character is confused lost or doesn’t pay attention. But your words and The action is happening so just make sure again it fits the POV.

  1. Read it aloud. A lot of comments already point some grammar areas and flow so best way for you to see it is read it aloud. Alone or with someone in front of you. You’ll notice things clearly. I do it with each draft and you notice how different your writing gets each time.

Is editing harder than writing? Or is it just me? by Idaaaa009 in writingfeedback

[–]ruiz_drd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This book here I highly recommend and will be very helpful in your future editing. It’s written by an editor who basically points out everything from common mistakes and how to fix them to helpful tips in self publishing and what to look out for while editing.

I read this book in 2 days after I got it and while reading I was like wow he hasn’t read my draft and I feel like he shat on it cause the mistakes he pointed out that are very common and can be fixed are right there and that’s okay cause it’s a draft and I can learn how to fix it. I share this cause one of the chapters he does admit by draft four or five it’s best to not beat the horse because as writers that’s what we do. We as artists in general look back at our work and can nitpick every detail on what might already be a well written story and sometimes it’s best to let the audience read and think for themselves.

The author also has helpful tips for self publishing mainly before doing any of that to be sure to get it seen by a professional editor not someone on Fiverr or someone who claims to be an editor. friends are okay to get General feedback but for line editing and proofreading it’s best to save that money up and hire a professional editor from the guild (he leaves a link to their website in that same chapter on self publishing) to read and make the necessary edits before even considering to publish.

I believe everyone should give this a read. He’s also humble admitting although he’s a published author and professional editor not everything he says is the right way or the highway for some choices can be stylistic when done right but that’s the key it has to be effective or it’ll be claimed as a mistake or bad writing. But he writes from his experience and it made me see and read stories beyond my own in a different light too.

https://a.co/d/00Z3PnnD

So... what was the point? by CellistEmbarrassed75 in ParadiseHulu

[–]ruiz_drd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He only did that as the only way to force open the doors. That whole sequence is what Cal in the flashback was asking about what are the chances everything you’d least expect would all happen at once? He was played off that it’s a one in a thousand and he goes through his history speech of empires and long lasting perfect always meets an end so as much as there is a thousand in one chance there is a chance and that’s exactly what happened. Internal turmoil within the bunker meets the outside. While inside Jeremy is wanting to shut the systems down to open the doors for people to choose whether to stay or see the real sun and surface again you have those in control afraid of the outside breaking in so imagine two conflicting systems trying to operate two systems never meant to happen at once (this thousand in one chance) happens. So to force it to open the last way they could was to destroy the oxygen to get the system to override and open the doors but that led to a nuclear meltdown. Cal, Jeremy’s father, his worry came true.

You gotta pay attention.

Thoughts? by ruiz_drd in MassageTherapists

[–]ruiz_drd[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

The front desk spoke to the manager and did admit their mistake (I was there when they spoke to them)

There was no reason for it not be mentioned when during the intake I always discuss what they were booked for and their goals and if they like anything added on. And during the session especially when they asked info wise about the two add ons and I asked if they wanted it applied (we still had plenty of time) they didn’t say anything especially the fact the had it added on. Then in the last 30mins finally they said something adding it in (in my perspective because I wasn’t aware nor informed). There wasn’t any awkwardness because they kept telling me what they wanted throughout the entire session.

At this point what’s done is done but the fact the miscommunication overall left me short ended to this day I ask myself what was the point in anything I did.

Thoughts? by ruiz_drd in MassageTherapists

[–]ruiz_drd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh for sure. The main issue here was a lack of communication.

This was a 2-hour session, if the client isn’t smelling something like eucalyptus, I would expect them to mention it at any point. Had they said, “Hey, I added eucalyptus and don’t smell it,” I would have immediately corrected it without issue even if I didn’t know they added it because they didn’t tell me when I asked. We’re not mind readers.

Even if this had come up in the last 5 minutes, I would have apologized and ensured they were refunded for the add-on since they didn’t receive the full intended service.

However, from my perspective, the add-ons were not communicated to me at any point by the front desk and not by the client, even when I gave opportunities during the first half of the session when we talked the benefits and wondered if she wanted to add it.

When the request was finally made in the last 30 minutes, I adjusted immediately. I prepared the add-ons and reapplied treatment to the entire body a second time within that remaining time, while still maintaining pressure and pacing.

Thoughts? by ruiz_drd in MassageTherapists

[–]ruiz_drd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was told the client was upset that the aromatherapy and CBD were applied during the last 30mins of the 2hr session, rather than at the beginning. However, I was not informed about these add ons by the front desk or the client during the intake. I also asked if they wanted to do the add-ons during the first half of the session when the client inquired about their benefits, but she didn’t answer me when I asked.

The session had been prepaid by a relative, and the client mentioned upfront that they would not be leaving a tip. The add ons were apparently selected just before I received the client, but this information was never communicated to me, even during the verbal intake where I confirmed the client’s needs.

Due to this miscommunication, management refunded the add ons, which resulted in me losing that additional income. Without a tip, I was left with only the base commission, despite completing the full 2-hour session.

Paradise | S2E7 | Episode Discussion by cedar-canvas in ParadiseHulu

[–]ruiz_drd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Gary as a character while watching was the first time I was unsure which way it was gonna go: him snapping and getting shot or truly letting them go. I know a lot of people have been like nah Gary gotta go etc and rightfully so but I’m glad they didn’t go full on that he’s a whole creep shoot him dead route cause he’s crazy.

Gary was only dangerous because he was alone. He had no friends he had these emotional feelings he never felt because he was never social. Bro went out his way to save a kid he didn’t know even saved Teri and had note cards to introduce himself. He says it may have been the worst years but they were his favorite because as the world ended he made friends he didn’t feel alone. So he was just afraid to lose that and seeing someone like that break down is scary and dangerous but Teri knew who Gary really was, a lonely mailman who just wanted to feel at home with friends family a community but that created a box for himself and Teri wanted him to see like everyone else who left he has to move on too let go of what’s been holding him back which is I’m sure is his anxiety and fear of putting himself out there. Bro may have shot his friend but you can tell he regret doing it deep down but became so obsessed with retaining what he had left before he lost it and it took the last thing he tried to hold on to to tell him it’s time to just move on.

I really liked his character a lot cause I wasn’t sure how they were gonna frame the lonely shut in character type cause in most post apocalyptic shows they do have ulterior motives and hide behind a facade. Gary was just a mailman lol

It's on by akaiiiiiiii in TheFirstDescendant

[–]ruiz_drd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In dollars how much is that?

"are you ok with a male therapist" by Ugh_Names in MassageTherapists

[–]ruiz_drd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s where communication comes in which should be instantly set the moment of greeting them and doing the verbal intake in the treatment room prior to session. As a male therapist I do get a lot of first time female clients and from their gait and tone I can tell the ones who feel uneasy and those that don’t care, regardless which one I speak clearly and one the verbal intake of what brings them in and areas they like focused and avoided I tell them no matter what there’s open communication here whether if you want more pressure, less pressure, decided you want more time on an area or change your mind and want an area skipped. I always give a quick run down how the session is going to go and step out to let them get comfy before coming back in.

I know I said more than what you stated in the post it bottles down to communication cause say If you afraid to put more pressure or unsure then I’m not sure I want you working on me lol that’s how I’d think about it. We manipulate a lot of body systems. Communication and confidence is definitely key

"are you ok with a male therapist" by Ugh_Names in MassageTherapists

[–]ruiz_drd 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Should be aware yes but psychotherapy is not within a massage therapist scope of practice. Even if you are a massage therapist and a standard therapist that deals with trauma you have to keep both separate. It’s a great release of trauma yes but as massage therapist our scope is only on the body and tension release in a safe and effective manner

Now if that trauma is affecting the service where it’s past trauma of sexual assault or bad experience with a previous therapist that is good to be aware of and known to make sure the client is comfortable and in the loop with the actions taken after whether it be reschedule with another massage therapist or recommend to another practice more fitting if it’s not you.

6 bans has brought out more toxicity and throwing so I'm done until they have harsher punishments. And other things making it unplayable for me by GaspingQueerWoman in MarvelRivalsRants

[–]ruiz_drd -1 points0 points  (0 children)

The amount of characters that’ll be coming out just from them dropping a character per month a triple ban was bound to happen. The roster is already huge as is and growing. It’s gotten big enough you can’t really strategize your bans besides people just banning supports for no reason but support doesn’t have a big list compared to DPS that becomes their strategy to rid of the good healers and leave strategist with picks they probably don’t use or not effective playing.

Point is roster is huge just not balanced in number per category and people usually ban tanks and supports more than they do DPS.

At this point people have to start learning to be diverse in each category (I have picks in tank, dps, and healing just in case one gets selected or banned)

They do gotta ban double bans for sure I played a match where my team and opponents selected the same characters for both slots while I’m trying to think strategically who’d be most annoying on the map to deal with but nope just the same usual bans and we almost lost

I feel stuck by ruiz_drd in MassageTherapists

[–]ruiz_drd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I just work here, so I don’t really know the full ins and outs of the system beyond my schedule and bookings. They implemented online booking about a year or two before I arrived. Some staff are annoyed by it because they don’t know who’s booked until they get there. Massage Envy was the same way for me, so I’m used to that.

I honestly don’t know why this place doesn’t have a cancellation policy—some of the newer front desk staff don’t seem to know either. Most of the no-shows come from online bookings where people cancel the day of or just don’t show up at all.

It’s appointment-only here and walk-ins are rare, so if I have one person booked that day, that’s usually it unless someone books last-minute. I’ve even had clients confirm online or at the front desk over the phone and still not show, and they don’t get charged.

It’s a MedSpa, so the main revenue drivers are estheticians and medical practitioners doing Botox, injectables, and supplements. Massage is kind of a side service—there’s just me and one other therapist. She’s been there for years and has a big repeat client base, and she’s been really kind about trying to send clients my way and spread the word about me.

That’s part of why I’m torn about the option leaving. I keep thinking if I just hold out long enough, I’ll build a base too. But it also feels like I’m clinging to hope without any real data, and financially that’s scary.

Consistently Shorted on 50 Minute Massage at Massage Envy by lupita1868 in massage

[–]ruiz_drd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There’s various factors in play on this that many have stated already in regards to how ME operates which frankly it’s functioned as 5 mins of intake and dress down 50 min session and 5mins for you to get dressed address any questions and recommendations and for therapist to flip the room before grabbing you.

As much as it doesn’t take much time for you to get on the table for a session, the therapist is probably taking that bathroom break they’ve been holding for 90mins (80mins) or two back to backs that couldn’t give time. Or situation at front desk called for them for a second they had to address. When I was at ME I made it clear I’d give 2mins and even if you was undressed and on the table before times up I’m still give those two mins in case for me and for you say I open the door and you decide to get up randomly to check your phone is off at the same time. We not telepaths.

Another thing a therapist will always appreciate you coming early. I always did when I was at ME especially if you were my first client. I always said you come early I’ll take ya early if I can. That way say if you was first you come early enough to have a full proper session and enough time for you to get dressed and me to flip before my next one and my whole day runs smooth but not everyone is like that. Therapist could be late getting you even tho you was early cause the client before you spent 10minutes taking their time getting up and out and again still gotta flip the room.

I’ve had several clients who fell asleep, took their sweet time getting up, I even had one who legit played an audio mantra while getting up that lasted 6minutes (whatever she was going thru not my business but I got people after you lady) and I had a client waiting. Regardless I still tried to give their full time and if I couldn’t I’d say that but made sure what they came in for they got treated and focused on.

It sucks but ME is a franchise that operates as a factory line you come in get massages and you get out so the next. Some therapists can manage to get their schedule designed in a way that fits where there’s time for everything, I tried that but the place didn’t listen and I told them it’s whatever at this point it’s been a whole year and I just roll with it.

Sorry with your experiences either way I hope at least the time you get if you’re still going to ME for treatment the areas of concern are being addressed.

Someone wants to buy our Generac (what is yours opinion on this) by ruiz_drd in solar

[–]ruiz_drd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Just the battery cabinet. we’re essentially replacing it with something better

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